If you were from a family with a golden child and scapegoat, how did they turn out as adults?

[Anonymous]

I’m one of five and while wasn’t a clear scapegoat there was a golden child and he deserved. He was the youngest and he was born with a severe physical disability but his ability to overcome it amazed us all. He has been very successful yet very humble. When my mother died I told him that he was her favorite and he laughed but had tears in his eyes. All five of us have done well and I think it’s in part due to being inspired by that little kid….teen…..adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am realizing I have always been my mother and brother’s scapegoat. I didn't recognize this dynamic as a child and told myself they had much more in common. As an adult, it's heightened as my brother who was groomed to be highly successful hasn't lived up to my family’s expectations and has ramped up his cruelty, and a lot of times, it feels like my mom goes along with it to make him feel better. Ironically, I ended up doing better academically and financially as an adult and have some nice kids but it still feels like no matter what I'm still the difficult or crazy one.

Is it possible that you are indeed a difficult person and your brother actually got along better with your mother? Its not about who is more successful but about how you make other person feel. No?

Either way, honestly and openly discuss it with them, hear their perspective and then move on. Life is too short to be spent on psychoanalysis of past. If it still bothers you, do seek a good therapist and have boundaries with your mom and brother.

[Anonymous]

Scapegoat: internalized the dynamic. Low self esteem. People pleasing

Golden child - survivor’s guilt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am realizing I have always been my mother and brother’s scapegoat. I didn't recognize this dynamic as a child and told myself they had much more in common. As an adult, it's heightened as my brother who was groomed to be highly successful hasn't lived up to my family’s expectations and has ramped up his cruelty, and a lot of times, it feels like my mom goes along with it to make him feel better. Ironically, I ended up doing better academically and financially as an adult and have some nice kids but it still feels like no matter what I'm still the difficult or crazy one.

I completely relate. Brilliant GC is now unemployed due to difficult behavior in workplace. Relationships go up in flames. Still the favorite and very enmeshed with Mommy. I can do no right, but am happily married, enjoying motherhood and love my job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am realizing I have always been my mother and brother’s scapegoat. I didn't recognize this dynamic as a child and told myself they had much more in common. As an adult, it's heightened as my brother who was groomed to be highly successful hasn't lived up to my family’s expectations and has ramped up his cruelty, and a lot of times, it feels like my mom goes along with it to make him feel better. Ironically, I ended up doing better academically and financially as an adult and have some nice kids but it still feels like no matter what I'm still the difficult or crazy one.

Is it possible that you are indeed a difficult person and your brother actually got along better with your mother? Its not about who is more successful but about how you make other person feel. No?

Either way, honestly and openly discuss it with them, hear their perspective and then move on. Life is too short to be spent on psychoanalysis of past. If it still bothers you, do seek a good therapist and have boundaries with your mom and brother.

I doubt families with this dynamic would be tolerant of an open and honest discussion. They’d just tell the scapegoat they are being difficult. Setting boundaries is likely the only option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the scapegoat in my family.

The golden child gets everyone to pay her bills for her, has a sob story that dominates every family dinner, and only keeps in touch with people who give her what she wants.

I don’t contribute and I say no when asked, but I was the scapegoat before I did this because I’m not as dramatic so it’s easier to blame me for things.

I stopped attending and now they blame the problems that they are having that I don’t know about on me and tell me about it when I visit later without the Drama Golden Child.

I just ignore it as much as I can and live my life. I have less, but I have enough.

I'm the scapegoat and also the most successful b/c golden child had evertyhing handed to them. Not golden child in the classic sense, but golden child being perennially a damsel in distress and everyone else stepping in to keep them afloat

[Anonymous]

It's wasn't the family with the expectations, but rather the community and schools.
I did better at the beginning, then she took over mostly because she got her work permit way before I did and never had kids. Now that we are in our mid to late 40s, it's mostly even.
She makes more money at work, and has Master's. I have two kids, but my NW just overtook hers because of investments.
I can afford to retire now. She can't. She is the older one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am realizing I have always been my mother and brother’s scapegoat. I didn't recognize this dynamic as a child and told myself they had much more in common. As an adult, it's heightened as my brother who was groomed to be highly successful hasn't lived up to my family’s expectations and has ramped up his cruelty, and a lot of times, it feels like my mom goes along with it to make him feel better. Ironically, I ended up doing better academically and financially as an adult and have some nice kids but it still feels like no matter what I'm still the difficult or crazy one.

This is my experience as the scapegoat. My parents are long gone, but my sisters continue to scapegoat me. The eldest, who was the golden child, is professionally seccessful but can't have healthy relationships. I have a 20 year long happy marriage, but no professional success. I have recently reached a point where I'd rather have no relationship with them than to be treated poorly by them. I can no longer allow myself to be yelled at and shamed by them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the golden child. I have an ok relationship with my sister, now, but her relationship with our parents is strained. I try not to play middleman or messenger but it happens sometimes.

I wouldn't say she is the scapegoat exactly, because it goes both ways: they each believe the worst of each other. It's not baseless - there was some classic favoritism, and she told some big lies in her teens - but none of them can forgive and forget, or communicate.

You are scapegoating your sibling right now. Why bring up what she did as a teen? Your parents were the adults. There is no way a child is responsible for family dynamics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am realizing I have always been my mother and brother’s scapegoat. I didn't recognize this dynamic as a child and told myself they had much more in common. As an adult, it's heightened as my brother who was groomed to be highly successful hasn't lived up to my family’s expectations and has ramped up his cruelty, and a lot of times, it feels like my mom goes along with it to make him feel better. Ironically, I ended up doing better academically and financially as an adult and have some nice kids but it still feels like no matter what I'm still the difficult or crazy one.

Is it possible that you are indeed a difficult person and your brother actually got along better with your mother? Its not about who is more successful but about how you make other person feel. No?

Either way, honestly and openly discuss it with them, hear their perspective and then move on. Life is too short to be spent on psychoanalysis of past. If it still bothers you, do seek a good therapist and have boundaries with your mom and brother.

Written by a textbook golden child/ narc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother is the golden child. He was able to do very well in school, became a lawyer, is GC, has a mansion, has a rich wife who used to model, has two cute kids, always says the right thing, etc. Both my parents always take his side.

I'm the scapegoat. My mother never bragged about me. When she did talk about me, she'd lie and say what she wished I was. My father just never talks about me. Any time my brother has had one side of a story and I've had another, they've always believed him. It's easy to make me the scapegoat - I'm unimpressive in every sense of the word, at best. I'll never own a home, live in such a rundown apartment that I never have anyone over but am stuck with rent control so can't move, have a dead-end job but can't do anything else, etc.

My brother and I mostly get along, but the way he talks to me or about me in front of his children really bothers me. He is teaching them to see me ignorant, dangerous, unknowledgeable, etc. Our relationship is unbalanced because he can afford to do a lot more than I can.

PP, you don't HAVE to live in the prison of your family dysfunction. You CAN make other choices.

[Anonymous]

I'm the scapegoat. I have the best marriage of all of my siblings, and am the most professionally and financially successful. I still struggle with an eating disorder and some depression. I have had a lot of therapy.

The Golden Child was gay in college but is now married to a woman who appears to be a gold digger. My parents are subsidizing his lifestyle and will openly admit that "she will leave him if she doesn't get the things she wants." His kids appear to dislike him. Honestly I feel sorry for him. I recently heard the term 'emotionally illiterate.' He doesn't seem to have the skills to be a good partner, to know who he is and to articulate and follow his own dreams and desires, or to be a good father.

I like to think that I am breaking the cycle of abuse and dysfunction with my own family. He appears to be passing it along for his kids to deal with. I wish them luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does it mean to be the scapegoat?

The scapegoat is the family member the rest of the family blames for everything that goes wrong. There can be a narcissistic parent involved who projects their perceived best traits on to the golden child and their perceived worst traits on to the scapegoat. One child gets the parent's best attention, the other child all the parent's worst attention. For decades.

OP, there are videos on YouTube about being scapegoated, and what happens to the family scapegoat in adulthood. Often, this family member goes gray rock and then eventually no contact with their families who are unable to see them as anything different. But now they're almost 50, not 15, and they're done being treated badly. The scapegoat is usually the most emotional strong member of the family. That's why they can carry the weight of all of this, and come out the other side even stronger. They are often more successful than the golden child, too.

This is true in my family. Brother the GC; I'm the scapegoat. We get along very well and both recognize the dynamics of our family. We also have an older sister who is still vying to be seen and valued by my parents. She plays by a their rules and basically enables them. I've spoken at length with her about how she will never be valued by them the way she needs. There is simply not enough love in their hearts. We're all adults with our own families. I go home for no more than 8 days a year 2x 4 days, never more. My sister moves in with my parents for the summers and goes back for all major holidays. My brother lives in the same town, so he sees them often. My mom always sends me on a guilt trip about my infrequent visits but I practice grey rock. There are VERY good reasons I won't go back. When I spend more than the allotted 8 days, they begin to treat me like crap - even in front of my kids, which is a major boundary for me.

Success- wise for the adult children - we're all moderately successful in different ways. We all went through some emotional trauma because of these dynamics but came out reasonable people who get along well enough. I like my siblings, but probably wouldn't be friends with them if I wasn't related. It helps that my brother recognizes his golden child privilege. He's not apologetic or anything and still says I 'have a chip on my shoulder about my mom'.. I totally do, because I was treated like crap forever and the chip helps me keep my boundaries and keep my kids safe from all that.

[Anonymous]

OP why are you continuing contact? You should go NC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP why are you continuing contact? You should go NC.

OP here. I have a good relationship with my father and like spending time him and want to help-he’s having age-related issues. It would be hard to go NC w my mother and still have a relationship with my mother. I could easily go NC with my brother since I pretty much already have. I’ve reached a point where I won’t attend family events where everyone is together since my mom and brother treat me differently when they’re together.

I’m made He takes advantage my parents to no end regardless of their age and health and has zero empathy for anyone. My mother just makes excuses why she need to help him financially or his basically raise kids. She feels bad that he’s stuck in a loveless marriage etc. the excuses are endless