Other Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do any other daughters of narcissistic mothers have mothers who blatantly favor your brothers over you?

My mother shows zero interest in me or my life. She probably couldn't even tell you where I work or what I do for a living but she knows every minute detail about my under-achieving younger brother and will talk about him at length if given the chance. She has never given any indication that she is proud of me or even so much as acknowledged my achievements in spite the fact that on-paper, I'm clearly the more successful child. The favoritism is so obvious and in-your-face that other people have pointed it out.

Yes. My mom told me she wanted sons. She favored my brothers and abused me. She treated my dh as her own son. I felt loke I was an outsider.

When my older son was born we attended a family party. My mom took my son and positioned herself front and center in the photo and stood in front of me, practically blocking me out from the photo. Even my husband noticed what she did. From then on he got her number. It was obvious that she was parading herself around as grandma. She had little to nothing to say to me. She wanted to validation from her friends that she was now in their club.

Do we have the same mom? I posted once, if anyone remembers, about having a baby and when the baby was five days old, my mom invited several family members (including toddlers who were always sick) over to my house without telling me until they were almost there. When they arrived, she grabbed my baby to introduce him as if he were hers. This was after my pediatrician said to avoid crowds because babies require a spinal tap if they spike a fever under two weeks old. I cried and was so hormonal. She wrote me a scathing email (which I also posted) where she told me I was too inflexible and need to be able to go with the flow now that I was a parent, and roll with the punches and gracious accept guests on a whim.

I don't know if my mom is a narcissist but she definitely has 0 boundaries with me. She has also done nice things for me, gotten me nice stuff, been on my side in certain situations, which I think she feels has afforded her the right to cross normal boundaries.

So she's human. Got it. We would never label someone a narcissist for stuff like this. We'd just call out the event and say mom was ignoring my wishes.

The labels are what are crazy these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do any other daughters of narcissistic mothers have mothers who blatantly favor your brothers over you?

My mother shows zero interest in me or my life. She probably couldn't even tell you where I work or what I do for a living but she knows every minute detail about my under-achieving younger brother and will talk about him at length if given the chance. She has never given any indication that she is proud of me or even so much as acknowledged my achievements in spite the fact that on-paper, I'm clearly the more successful child. The favoritism is so obvious and in-your-face that other people have pointed it out.

Yes. My mom told me she wanted sons. She favored my brothers and abused me. She treated my dh as her own son. I felt loke I was an outsider.

When my older son was born we attended a family party. My mom took my son and positioned herself front and center in the photo and stood in front of me, practically blocking me out from the photo. Even my husband noticed what she did. From then on he got her number. It was obvious that she was parading herself around as grandma. She had little to nothing to say to me. She wanted to validation from her friends that she was now in their club.

Do we have the same mom? I posted once, if anyone remembers, about having a baby and when the baby was five days old, my mom invited several family members (including toddlers who were always sick) over to my house without telling me until they were almost there. When they arrived, she grabbed my baby to introduce him as if he were hers. This was after my pediatrician said to avoid crowds because babies require a spinal tap if they spike a fever under two weeks old. I cried and was so hormonal. She wrote me a scathing email (which I also posted) where she told me I was too inflexible and need to be able to go with the flow now that I was a parent, and roll with the punches and gracious accept guests on a whim.

I don't know if my mom is a narcissist but she definitely has 0 boundaries with me. She has also done nice things for me, gotten me nice stuff, been on my side in certain situations, which I think she feels has afforded her the right to cross normal boundaries.

So she's human. Got it. We would never label someone a narcissist for stuff like this. We'd just call out the event and say mom was ignoring my wishes.

The labels are what are crazy these days.

+1. I’ve started to roll my eyes at all the relatives being labelled narcissists/bpd etc. Sometimes people are just aholes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do any other daughters of narcissistic mothers have mothers who blatantly favor your brothers over you?

My mother shows zero interest in me or my life. She probably couldn't even tell you where I work or what I do for a living but she knows every minute detail about my under-achieving younger brother and will talk about him at length if given the chance. She has never given any indication that she is proud of me or even so much as acknowledged my achievements in spite the fact that on-paper, I'm clearly the more successful child. The favoritism is so obvious and in-your-face that other people have pointed it out.

Yes. My mom told me she wanted sons. She favored my brothers and abused me. She treated my dh as her own son. I felt loke I was an outsider.

When my older son was born we attended a family party. My mom took my son and positioned herself front and center in the photo and stood in front of me, practically blocking me out from the photo. Even my husband noticed what she did. From then on he got her number. It was obvious that she was parading herself around as grandma. She had little to nothing to say to me. She wanted to validation from her friends that she was now in their club.

Do we have the same mom? I posted once, if anyone remembers, about having a baby and when the baby was five days old, my mom invited several family members (including toddlers who were always sick) over to my house without telling me until they were almost there. When they arrived, she grabbed my baby to introduce him as if he were hers. This was after my pediatrician said to avoid crowds because babies require a spinal tap if they spike a fever under two weeks old. I cried and was so hormonal. She wrote me a scathing email (which I also posted) where she told me I was too inflexible and need to be able to go with the flow now that I was a parent, and roll with the punches and gracious accept guests on a whim.

I don't know if my mom is a narcissist but she definitely has 0 boundaries with me. She has also done nice things for me, gotten me nice stuff, been on my side in certain situations, which I think she feels has afforded her the right to cross normal boundaries.

So she's human. Got it. We would never label someone a narcissist for stuff like this. We'd just call out the event and say mom was ignoring my wishes.

The labels are what are crazy these days.

There is something very wrong with a mother/grandmother who would pull a stunt like that on a post partum family member and her brand newborn baby. It is not normal. There is also something wrong with you, pp, who enters a thread for daughters of narcissistic mothers and criticizes women who are trying to find support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do any other daughters of narcissistic mothers have mothers who blatantly favor your brothers over you?

My mother shows zero interest in me or my life. She probably couldn't even tell you where I work or what I do for a living but she knows every minute detail about my under-achieving younger brother and will talk about him at length if given the chance. She has never given any indication that she is proud of me or even so much as acknowledged my achievements in spite the fact that on-paper, I'm clearly the more successful child. The favoritism is so obvious and in-your-face that other people have pointed it out.

Yes. My mom told me she wanted sons. She favored my brothers and abused me. She treated my dh as her own son. I felt loke I was an outsider.

When my older son was born we attended a family party. My mom took my son and positioned herself front and center in the photo and stood in front of me, practically blocking me out from the photo. Even my husband noticed what she did. From then on he got her number. It was obvious that she was parading herself around as grandma. She had little to nothing to say to me. She wanted to validation from her friends that she was now in their club.

Do we have the same mom? I posted once, if anyone remembers, about having a baby and when the baby was five days old, my mom invited several family members (including toddlers who were always sick) over to my house without telling me until they were almost there. When they arrived, she grabbed my baby to introduce him as if he were hers. This was after my pediatrician said to avoid crowds because babies require a spinal tap if they spike a fever under two weeks old. I cried and was so hormonal. She wrote me a scathing email (which I also posted) where she told me I was too inflexible and need to be able to go with the flow now that I was a parent, and roll with the punches and gracious accept guests on a whim.

I don't know if my mom is a narcissist but she definitely has 0 boundaries with me. She has also done nice things for me, gotten me nice stuff, been on my side in certain situations, which I think she feels has afforded her the right to cross normal boundaries.

So she's human. Got it. We would never label someone a narcissist for stuff like this. We'd just call out the event and say mom was ignoring my wishes.

The labels are what are crazy these days.

I guess you didn’t read the part that says “I don’t know if she’s a narcissist” and didn’t label her. Was just relating to the previous poster whose mother grabbed her baby from her to show family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents did a number on me. The damage has limited my horizons for relationships and even career. I wish I could know who I would have been if I grew up in a healthy environment.

Despite that, I have chosen to forgive and my life is greatly improved because of it. Staying angry at someone who is troubled is like holding a hot coal and expecting them to feel the pain. They won't, it only hurts you.

DP - thank you for posting this. I completely agree.

Best wishes OP for your healing

[Anonymous]

“A memorial service for your grandmother? This is much ado about nothing. My parents never had a memorial service.”

She sure screamed at me that day. I was evil for organizing a memorial service for my dad’s mother…

“I have cancer.”

She said that to keep me from visiting my grandmother on her deathbed. Thank goodness I knew she was full of it.

I’m not sure if my mom has borderline personality disorder as my therapist said or narcissism.

She’s on medication now and still does the golden child bs but she doesn’t rage as much.

She did scream at me, and I dissociate and exit quickly. I try never to be alone with her.

I’ve also told her she will never see my children again if she ever speaks to my children the way she speaks to me. She never did and she totally knew what I meant.

She was vicious with my dad and the stress probably killed him slowly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do any other daughters of narcissistic mothers have mothers who blatantly favor your brothers over you?

My mother shows zero interest in me or my life. She probably couldn't even tell you where I work or what I do for a living but she knows every minute detail about my under-achieving younger brother and will talk about him at length if given the chance. She has never given any indication that she is proud of me or even so much as acknowledged my achievements in spite the fact that on-paper, I'm clearly the more successful child. The favoritism is so obvious and in-your-face that other people have pointed it out.

Yes. My mom told me she wanted sons. She favored my brothers and abused me. She treated my dh as her own son. I felt loke I was an outsider.

When my older son was born we attended a family party. My mom took my son and positioned herself front and center in the photo and stood in front of me, practically blocking me out from the photo. Even my husband noticed what she did. From then on he got her number. It was obvious that she was parading herself around as grandma. She had little to nothing to say to me. She wanted to validation from her friends that she was now in their club.

Do we have the same mom? I posted once, if anyone remembers, about having a baby and when the baby was five days old, my mom invited several family members (including toddlers who were always sick) over to my house without telling me until they were almost there. When they arrived, she grabbed my baby to introduce him as if he were hers. This was after my pediatrician said to avoid crowds because babies require a spinal tap if they spike a fever under two weeks old. I cried and was so hormonal. She wrote me a scathing email (which I also posted) where she told me I was too inflexible and need to be able to go with the flow now that I was a parent, and roll with the punches and gracious accept guests on a whim.

I don't know if my mom is a narcissist but she definitely has 0 boundaries with me. She has also done nice things for me, gotten me nice stuff, been on my side in certain situations, which I think she feels has afforded her the right to cross normal boundaries.

So she's human. Got it. We would never label someone a narcissist for stuff like this. We'd just call out the event and say mom was ignoring my wishes.

The labels are what are crazy these days.

+1. I’ve started to roll my eyes at all the relatives being labelled narcissists/bpd etc. Sometimes people are just aholes.

Most of the people we would label aholes in olden times are exhibiting a pattern of behaviors that are, in fact, recognizable and classifiable by psychology as either a full blown personality disorder or exhibiting strong traits of disordered personality and resulting lack of interpersonal intelligence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When she looks at you before your wedding day and asks if your dress is still going to fit.

When you are 13 and get your first period, you go straight to her and she tells you, "figure it out". When you talk back (as teenagers do) she says, "if I knew you'd be like this, I would've had an abortion!". Things like that.

My mother’s first words when I told her my boyfriend had proposed were, “Well, I like him okay, but I don’t think he likes me very much.”
For those trying to understand, it is about having to, from a young age, take care of the wants and needs of your parent and not being allowed to have any wants and needs of your own. My mother would scream at us when she didn’t get her way, and holidays usually ended in a narcissistic rage about how one of us had “ruined” her day. It’s very hard for those who had decent childhoods to get how soul-crushing it is.

Chills reading this because this was my mother. Your quote captures their thought processes perfectly. Everything is about them. To this day holidays give me anxiety because every holiday in my childhood was “ruined.” Vivid memories of her scraping an entire Christmas dinner into the garbage disposal one year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When she looks at you before your wedding day and asks if your dress is still going to fit.

When you are 13 and get your first period, you go straight to her and she tells you, "figure it out". When you talk back (as teenagers do) she says, "if I knew you'd be like this, I would've had an abortion!". Things like that.

When your daughter is 15 months and won’t sit still to watch the entire recording of grandma’s 1973 classical musical performance, so grandma dumps baby on the ground and throws a rattle on the ground and storms out of the room in a rage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just posting in support, OP. What has helped me is that, as we have become adults, my much younger sister and I have started talking about it. Hearing her experience was the same as mine (I was out of the house for much of her childhood) makes me realize that I'm not the crazy one - I really did go through the gaslighting and the manipulation.

Relationships have been hard, and I did not choose men well (until I totally lucked upon my DH later in life. I definitely wouldn't have married him when I was less mature, however.

I've stopped seeking emotional support from my mother, and as a result we have a polite relationship now. But we aren't close at all. She has little idea of what is going on in my life, and no interest in learning about it.

I also found that seeking and cultivating relationships with other women is important. My closest female friendships fill a gap that my mother never did.

How was your sister with relationships? I ask bc me and my sibling grew up as you describe. However, my older sister chose horrible men and did not grow up at all. I am the opposite. I get why she is the way she is, but am also angry and resentful that I had to deal with the same stuff but ultimately made better choices while she still continues to blame my mom while also using her for help.

I’m a new poster but I’ve never heard a better description of my own family dynamics.

After a rocky start and a four year relationship with a narcissist I took some time out of relationships and found someone who is very good to me and complements me.

My sister on the other hand chose the most selfish, cheap guy who never lifts a finger even to feed himself or their children. Meanwhile she basically asked my mother to raise her children from birth and yet constantly treats her terribly and complains about her. And my mom complains bitterly as well.

They are toxic mirror images of each other and I feel trapped in these toxic relationships. I have weekly therapy and it helps a lot. It makes the situation feel tolerable even as it still feels terrible.

I have to take responsibility for my own life and happiness. I have no solutions (other than therapy which has greatly helped me). But I wish strength and self admiration to all of you with similar struggles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do any other daughters of narcissistic mothers have mothers who blatantly favor your brothers over you?

My mother shows zero interest in me or my life. She probably couldn't even tell you where I work or what I do for a living but she knows every minute detail about my under-achieving younger brother and will talk about him at length if given the chance. She has never given any indication that she is proud of me or even so much as acknowledged my achievements in spite the fact that on-paper, I'm clearly the more successful child. The favoritism is so obvious and in-your-face that other people have pointed it out.

Yes. My mom told me she wanted sons. She favored my brothers and abused me. She treated my dh as her own son. I felt loke I was an outsider.

When my older son was born we attended a family party. My mom took my son and positioned herself front and center in the photo and stood in front of me, practically blocking me out from the photo. Even my husband noticed what she did. From then on he got her number. It was obvious that she was parading herself around as grandma. She had little to nothing to say to me. She wanted to validation from her friends that she was now in their club.

Do we have the same mom? I posted once, if anyone remembers, about having a baby and when the baby was five days old, my mom invited several family members (including toddlers who were always sick) over to my house without telling me until they were almost there. When they arrived, she grabbed my baby to introduce him as if he were hers. This was after my pediatrician said to avoid crowds because babies require a spinal tap if they spike a fever under two weeks old. I cried and was so hormonal. She wrote me a scathing email (which I also posted) where she told me I was too inflexible and need to be able to go with the flow now that I was a parent, and roll with the punches and gracious accept guests on a whim.

I don't know if my mom is a narcissist but she definitely has 0 boundaries with me. She has also done nice things for me, gotten me nice stuff, been on my side in certain situations, which I think she feels has afforded her the right to cross normal boundaries.

So she's human. Got it. We would never label someone a narcissist for stuff like this. We'd just call out the event and say mom was ignoring my wishes.

The labels are what are crazy these days.

+1. I’ve started to roll my eyes at all the relatives being labelled narcissists/bpd etc. Sometimes people are just aholes.

Most of the people we would label aholes in olden times are exhibiting a pattern of behaviors that are, in fact, recognizable and classifiable by psychology as either a full blown personality disorder or exhibiting strong traits of disordered personality and resulting lack of interpersonal intelligence.

+1

[Anonymous]

For those of you who lack compassion or comprehension of this issues because you’ve never experienced this kind of behavior from a parent, I hope you will thank God for your good fortune. For those of you who express disdain for people who post here because you went through similar things but still don't see feel compassion for your younger self: I see you and I wish you well.

May you someday come to terms with that pain you felt as a little person. May you begin to heal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do any other daughters of narcissistic mothers have mothers who blatantly favor your brothers over you?

My mother shows zero interest in me or my life. She probably couldn't even tell you where I work or what I do for a living but she knows every minute detail about my under-achieving younger brother and will talk about him at length if given the chance. She has never given any indication that she is proud of me or even so much as acknowledged my achievements in spite the fact that on-paper, I'm clearly the more successful child. The favoritism is so obvious and in-your-face that other people have pointed it out.

Yes. My mom told me she wanted sons. She favored my brothers and abused me. She treated my dh as her own son. I felt loke I was an outsider.

When my older son was born we attended a family party. My mom took my son and positioned herself front and center in the photo and stood in front of me, practically blocking me out from the photo. Even my husband noticed what she did. From then on he got her number. It was obvious that she was parading herself around as grandma. She had little to nothing to say to me. She wanted to validation from her friends that she was now in their club.

Do we have the same mom? I posted once, if anyone remembers, about having a baby and when the baby was five days old, my mom invited several family members (including toddlers who were always sick) over to my house without telling me until they were almost there. When they arrived, she grabbed my baby to introduce him as if he were hers. This was after my pediatrician said to avoid crowds because babies require a spinal tap if they spike a fever under two weeks old. I cried and was so hormonal. She wrote me a scathing email (which I also posted) where she told me I was too inflexible and need to be able to go with the flow now that I was a parent, and roll with the punches and gracious accept guests on a whim.

I don't know if my mom is a narcissist but she definitely has 0 boundaries with me. She has also done nice things for me, gotten me nice stuff, been on my side in certain situations, which I think she feels has afforded her the right to cross normal boundaries.

So she's human. Got it. We would never label someone a narcissist for stuff like this. We'd just call out the event and say mom was ignoring my wishes.

The labels are what are crazy these days.

This is totally selfish and abnormal behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When she looks at you before your wedding day and asks if your dress is still going to fit.

When you are 13 and get your first period, you go straight to her and she tells you, "figure it out". When you talk back (as teenagers do) she says, "if I knew you'd be like this, I would've had an abortion!". Things like that.

My mother’s first words when I told her my boyfriend had proposed were, “Well, I like him okay, but I don’t think he likes me very much.”
For those trying to understand, it is about having to, from a young age, take care of the wants and needs of your parent and not being allowed to have any wants and needs of your own. My mother would scream at us when she didn’t get her way, and holidays usually ended in a narcissistic rage about how one of us had “ruined” her day. It’s very hard for those who had decent childhoods to get how soul-crushing it is.

This resonates. I was a bit homely as a teen and my mom wouldn’t give me the money or help to look more pulled together. I didn’t have a ton of friends and boys were not interested in me. In a moment of stupid vulnerability I expressed to my mom that I wished I had a homecoming date. My mom volunteered that maybe I was a lesbian and that’s why boys didn’t like me, and if I wore lipstick I wouldn’t look as plain and then I wouldn’t be a lesbian. But also she wouldn’t buy it for me or let me wear makeup.

When I was engaged and called my mom to tell her and share our plans for a small but lovely wedding (to a man, bc still not a lesbian), my mom went silent for a full 30 seconds. Then she said “oh.” And went silent again. Finally she said, “well, this isn’t the wedding I wanted. I feel disappointed.” That was literally her first response to the news!

She’s been married twice herself and already had two weddings.

This reminds me of when I called my mom to tell her I was engaged, and she basically said “oh” and then launched into her monologue, as she always does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do any other daughters of narcissistic mothers have mothers who blatantly favor your brothers over you?

My mother shows zero interest in me or my life. She probably couldn't even tell you where I work or what I do for a living but she knows every minute detail about my under-achieving younger brother and will talk about him at length if given the chance. She has never given any indication that she is proud of me or even so much as acknowledged my achievements in spite the fact that on-paper, I'm clearly the more successful child. The favoritism is so obvious and in-your-face that other people have pointed it out.

Yes! My brother was coddled and enabled in ways I never was: I paid for school myself, he had university paid for, my mom covered his insurance/bills long into his twenties, I was on my own, he was able to live at home until he bought a condo, I was expected to support myself at age 18.

And of course the time she paired up with my abusive ex-boyfriend and said I was lying about his abuse.