Other Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents did a number on me. The damage has limited my horizons for relationships and even career. I wish I could know who I would have been if I grew up in a healthy environment.

Despite that, I have chosen to forgive and my life is greatly improved because of it. Staying angry at someone who is troubled is like holding a hot coal and expecting them to feel the pain. They won't, it only hurts you.

NP. I can relate so much to the first part. I wonder who I would have been. I had so much potential but 've been hampered in so many areas of my life (relationship, work). I can't relate to the second paragraph, though. I haven't reached forgiveness. Not sure I will.

[Anonymous]

Just posting in support, OP. What has helped me is that, as we have become adults, my much younger sister and I have started talking about it. Hearing her experience was the same as mine (I was out of the house for much of her childhood) makes me realize that I'm not the crazy one - I really did go through the gaslighting and the manipulation.

Relationships have been hard, and I did not choose men well (until I totally lucked upon my DH later in life. I definitely wouldn't have married him when I was less mature, however.

I've stopped seeking emotional support from my mother, and as a result we have a polite relationship now. But we aren't close at all. She has little idea of what is going on in my life, and no interest in learning about it.

I also found that seeking and cultivating relationships with other women is important. My closest female friendships fill a gap that my mother never did.

[Anonymous]

I had a narc sister and an enabling mother and it permanently affected my life, trajectory, choice of workplaces, career and relationships.

[Anonymous]

You’re not alone OP. I always struggle this time of year. Few people know about my mother, so there’s so much more pretense - I create a facade that looks like function and happy holiday traditions, but it’s all empty underneath because there’s no true connection with most people in my life. Just a few people that I trust. I’ve been to therapy 4 times in my life, thought I was “fixed,” but it always comes back to haunt me. Those feelings of not being good enough, being judged, not fitting in . . .

[Anonymous]

I get it, OP. The guilt and feelings of unworthiness and other wounds never go away. Big hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just posting in support, OP. What has helped me is that, as we have become adults, my much younger sister and I have started talking about it. Hearing her experience was the same as mine (I was out of the house for much of her childhood) makes me realize that I'm not the crazy one - I really did go through the gaslighting and the manipulation.

Relationships have been hard, and I did not choose men well (until I totally lucked upon my DH later in life. I definitely wouldn't have married him when I was less mature, however.

I've stopped seeking emotional support from my mother, and as a result we have a polite relationship now. But we aren't close at all. She has little idea of what is going on in my life, and no interest in learning about it.

I also found that seeking and cultivating relationships with other women is important. My closest female friendships fill a gap that my mother never did.

How was your sister with relationships? I ask bc me and my sibling grew up as you describe. However, my older sister chose horrible men and did not grow up at all. I am the opposite. I get why she is the way she is, but am also angry and resentful that I had to deal with the same stuff but ultimately made better choices while she still continues to blame my mom while also using her for help.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone, I love you. I cried reading some of these replies.

Today has just been one of those days.

[Anonymous]

Another one here with you, OP. I’m 44 and didn’t completely realize something was wrong with the way I had been raised until I had my own daughter. Literally on the day she was born I realized that none of the things my mother was perfectly comfortable doing and saying to me would ever be possible for me to do to my daughter. It was a shocking but also liberating thought. But having a child still doesn’t fix the part of me that was never loved when I myself was a child.

Like others, every time I think I’ve healed, the wound is reopened when I least expect it. And I mourn the opportunities I squandered or lost because of the abuse that shaped my childhood. It’s terribly lonely until you stumble into a thread like this or a conversation in real life that takes a turn toward understanding. An acquaintance turned into a friend when I said two sentences about my mom that would sound politely neutral to most and she said, “I don’t know how to say this, but it sounds like she might have a personality disorder.” OP, my hope for you is that you can feel similarly seen and understood in real life. And in the meantime, there are so many kind strangers here whose random comments have kept me going through dark, confusing times.

Your childhood was not your fault, OP, and you are worthy and deserving. I am sorry for the opportunities and time that were taken from you.

[Anonymous]

OP Spend some time creating the person you want to be. I call it doing therapy for someone else via proxy when you talk a lot about other people's behavior in therapy sessions. You end up analyzing them rather than yourself and this is why much of the time isn't really worthwhile. It's fine to say that something from the past affects your decisions now but stay focused on the present and the future with your therapy and work and learn how to allow feelings from the past come into your thoughts without triggering you. And forgive them for being human and your own behavior for being human as well. But as always work on making tomorrow better.

[Anonymous]

OP just wanted to say I get it and I'm sorry. I grew up with narcissistic parents as well. My father died a few years back and I was able to forgive him post-mortem-he was mentally ill (untreated bipolar disorder with minimal insight into all of the pain he caused) and just a sad individual in general. He died in alone and in poverty (this was a man with a master's degree who grew up upper middle class). When he died and I no longer felt obligated to continue a relationship with him I was finally able to forgive.

My mother is not mentally ill and has always functioned very well on a surface level. But she is very self centered, critical, miserly and not supportive. I am a disappointment to her even though I'm educated, have a solid middle class profession, a kind husband and a good middle class life. I don't have kids. My sister and her husband are more professionally and financially successful and they have children so I'm the "loser" in the family. My sister acknowledges my mother's narcissism but it doesn't cut as deeply for her because she was the favorite. Plus my mother is objectively a good grandparent.

I feel like garbage every time I see my mother in spite of years of therapy. I limit my time with her as cutting her off would cause a rift with my sister and my nieces. But being around her is painful. I have tried so many strategies (being direct with her, ignoring, etc) and nothing changes. She is not going to change. I know she loves me in her screwed up way but I am not someone she can brag about like she can my sister. Plus her needs and desires have always come first. While my sister and I always had a our physical needs met we were unsupervised and emotionally neglected-my mom (and my father) were checked out.

I do my best to work on my mental health on a daily basis but I struggle with depression and anxiety. It's a lifelong problem and honestly even if my parents were great I probably am someone who still would have issues. I'm 50 and the feelings of emptiness and worthlessness have never gone away. I have long time friends but I have trouble feeling really connected and comfortable with them-I'm always afraid that something I say or do will cause them to cut me off. But I continue to try and I hope someday I will get to a better place emotionally/mentally.

Anyway, I apologize for going on for so long OP. Please know that you are not alone and that I'm thinking of you today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just posting in support, OP. What has helped me is that, as we have become adults, my much younger sister and I have started talking about it. Hearing her experience was the same as mine (I was out of the house for much of her childhood) makes me realize that I'm not the crazy one - I really did go through the gaslighting and the manipulation.

Relationships have been hard, and I did not choose men well (until I totally lucked upon my DH later in life. I definitely wouldn't have married him when I was less mature, however.

I've stopped seeking emotional support from my mother, and as a result we have a polite relationship now. But we aren't close at all. She has little idea of what is going on in my life, and no interest in learning about it.

I also found that seeking and cultivating relationships with other women is important. My closest female friendships fill a gap that my mother never did.

How was your sister with relationships? I ask bc me and my sibling grew up as you describe. However, my older sister chose horrible men and did not grow up at all. I am the opposite. I get why she is the way she is, but am also angry and resentful that I had to deal with the same stuff but ultimately made better choices while she still continues to blame my mom while also using her for help.

I’m the pp you quoted and the bolded statement is my sister, too. Her romantic relationships were much better than mine, and she’s stable in life overall. But she also rants about how awful her dynamic is with our mom, but won’t extract herself from it like I did. (She keeps going back for baby and dog sitting). But I do get tired of listening to her sob about how badly mom treats her every time, and why won’t she change and blah blah blah. I’m like, she is who she is: Either create distance, or keep putting yourself in her crosshairs and accept that she will always be the way she has always been.

[Anonymous]

What are some of the things narcissistic mothers say and do?

[Anonymous]

Present! I have had to spend my entire adult life relearning how to live life (yes, I deserve respect and yes, my feelings and preferences matter) and unlearning all of the terrible things my mother convinced me were “wrong” with me.

Being treated as competition rather than a treasured child by your OWN MOTHER really does a number.

[Anonymous]

I can also relate and just started reading this book by Jay Reid. https://www.amazon.com/Growing-Up-Scapegoat-Narcissistic-Parents/dp/B0C2WQNNJC/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=I1MYXFM9GGI2&keywords=growing+up+as+the+scapegoat+jay+reid&qid=1701997606&sprefix=jay+reid%2Caps%2C80&sr=8-1

He also has a YouTube presence and posts videos that address the experience of being raised as the target or a narcissist. I’ve only watched a couple but I found them relevant. The comments on the videos from other people who also experienced this types of abuse felt validating for me as it showed me other people verbalizing how I felt growing up with an unmedicated but formally diagnosed bipolar narcissist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are some of the things narcissistic mothers say and do?

when you’re a 9 year old piano player learning the Happy Farmer she pushes you off the piano bench and plays a Chopin’s Polonaise.