Other Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Here?

[Anonymous]

Do any other daughters of narcissistic mothers have mothers who blatantly favor your brothers over you?

My mother shows zero interest in me or my life. She probably couldn't even tell you where I work or what I do for a living but she knows every minute detail about my under-achieving younger brother and will talk about him at length if given the chance. She has never given any indication that she is proud of me or even so much as acknowledged my achievements in spite the fact that on-paper, I'm clearly the more successful child. The favoritism is so obvious and in-your-face that other people have pointed it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents did a number on me. The damage has limited my horizons for relationships and even career. I wish I could know who I would have been if I grew up in a healthy environment.

Despite that, I have chosen to forgive and my life is greatly improved because of it. Staying angry at someone who is troubled is like holding a hot coal and expecting them to feel the pain. They won't, it only hurts you.

NP. I can relate so much to the first part. I wonder who I would have been. I had so much potential but 've been hampered in so many areas of my life (relationship, work). I can't relate to the second paragraph, though. I haven't reached forgiveness. Not sure I will.

A lot of people misunderstand forgiveness.

It just means acceptance of what you cannot change and learning to go on anyway.

That's not forgiveness, that's healing or, perhaps, resignation. It's moving on because you have no other choice. It's accepting that people won't change, that you can't change the past, but that you can choose how you live your life. Forgiveness isn't what you describe.

The forgiveness is forgiving your misunderstandings that led you to experience this and understanding that the other person is flawed and still human.

There is something wrong with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do any other daughters of narcissistic mothers have mothers who blatantly favor your brothers over you?

My mother shows zero interest in me or my life. She probably couldn't even tell you where I work or what I do for a living but she knows every minute detail about my under-achieving younger brother and will talk about him at length if given the chance. She has never given any indication that she is proud of me or even so much as acknowledged my achievements in spite the fact that on-paper, I'm clearly the more successful child. The favoritism is so obvious and in-your-face that other people have pointed it out.

Yes. My mom told me she wanted sons. She favored my brothers and abused me. She treated my dh as her own son. I felt loke I was an outsider.

[Anonymous]

My mother opted to become a school teacher because she thought she was an expert in childhood. She went around quoting Jackie Kennedy about failing in life if you fail with your children. She got into fights with other mothers throughout my childhood because she just, wouldn’t, stop offering unsolicited advice about people’s kids.

As a kid, I doubted myself all the time, I put my feelings second (came from hardcore Catholic martyr upbringing), and always worried about embarrassing myself and not being liked because that was her focus. Worse of all, it took me a few decades to finally understand that putting yourself first sometimes and going with your own intuition is, well, perfectly ok to do. And putting my wants and needs first above what she wanted and needed was ok, even if it made her uncomfortable. I gave up good early career moves after college because she wanted me home (my moving away and paying bills without her help and blessing made her comfortable) under her thumb. When I finished grad school and moved away she couldn’t behave and accept it. It’s bothered her so much that I did not want to stay in town and find a more reasonable option that made her feel better. To this day she still makes it sound like that was I’ve of my biggest mistakes. Never got over it.

And don’t get me started on how this impacted relationships with men. Yup, attracted lots of jerks because I felt “lucky” they gave me attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do any other daughters of narcissistic mothers have mothers who blatantly favor your brothers over you?

My mother shows zero interest in me or my life. She probably couldn't even tell you where I work or what I do for a living but she knows every minute detail about my under-achieving younger brother and will talk about him at length if given the chance. She has never given any indication that she is proud of me or even so much as acknowledged my achievements in spite the fact that on-paper, I'm clearly the more successful child. The favoritism is so obvious and in-your-face that other people have pointed it out.

I always got the sense mine wanted boys. She’d feel sorry for boys and want to take them under her wing as a teacher and blame the world snd their evil moms for their troubles. I never heard her speak favorably about female students— only the ones who looked like her— same hair and eye color. Telling, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do any other daughters of narcissistic mothers have mothers who blatantly favor your brothers over you?

My mother shows zero interest in me or my life. She probably couldn't even tell you where I work or what I do for a living but she knows every minute detail about my under-achieving younger brother and will talk about him at length if given the chance. She has never given any indication that she is proud of me or even so much as acknowledged my achievements in spite the fact that on-paper, I'm clearly the more successful child. The favoritism is so obvious and in-your-face that other people have pointed it out.

I always got the sense mine wanted boys. She’d feel sorry for boys and want to take them under her wing as a teacher and blame the world snd their evil moms for their troubles. I never heard her speak favorably about female students— only the ones who looked like her— same hair and eye color. Telling, no?

Oh wow. I’ve never thought about it before, but the only granddaughter my mom likes is the one with red hair and blue eyes like her. 🤔

My brother treats my mom horribly. But in her eyes he can do no wrong.

On a lighter note, this bit seems apt for this thread:

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CnL_oLmJFHO/?igshid=N2ViNmM2MDRjNw==

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do any other daughters of narcissistic mothers have mothers who blatantly favor your brothers over you?

My mother shows zero interest in me or my life. She probably couldn't even tell you where I work or what I do for a living but she knows every minute detail about my under-achieving younger brother and will talk about him at length if given the chance. She has never given any indication that she is proud of me or even so much as acknowledged my achievements in spite the fact that on-paper, I'm clearly the more successful child. The favoritism is so obvious and in-your-face that other people have pointed it out.

My mom told me she had me only because she was trying to birth a boy, and that I was not what she had wanted. I’m sure if I had a brother, I would have received similar treatment.

My DH’s mom prefers girls and his sister is very self centered and repellant, whereas my DH is humble and likable. There’s a silver lining in not being the spoiled or favored one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When she looks at you before your wedding day and asks if your dress is still going to fit.

When you are 13 and get your first period, you go straight to her and she tells you, "figure it out". When you talk back (as teenagers do) she says, "if I knew you'd be like this, I would've had an abortion!". Things like that.

My mother’s first words when I told her my boyfriend had proposed were, “Well, I like him okay, but I don’t think he likes me very much.”
For those trying to understand, it is about having to, from a young age, take care of the wants and needs of your parent and not being allowed to have any wants and needs of your own. My mother would scream at us when she didn’t get her way, and holidays usually ended in a narcissistic rage about how one of us had “ruined” her day. It’s very hard for those who had decent childhoods to get how soul-crushing it is.

This resonates. I was a bit homely as a teen and my mom wouldn’t give me the money or help to look more pulled together. I didn’t have a ton of friends and boys were not interested in me. In a moment of stupid vulnerability I expressed to my mom that I wished I had a homecoming date. My mom volunteered that maybe I was a lesbian and that’s why boys didn’t like me, and if I wore lipstick I wouldn’t look as plain and then I wouldn’t be a lesbian. But also she wouldn’t buy it for me or let me wear makeup.

When I was engaged and called my mom to tell her and share our plans for a small but lovely wedding (to a man, bc still not a lesbian), my mom went silent for a full 30 seconds. Then she said “oh.” And went silent again. Finally she said, “well, this isn’t the wedding I wanted. I feel disappointed.” That was literally her first response to the news!

She’s been married twice herself and already had two weddings.

Some of these stories seem a bit fanciful. If you knew your mom was a narcissist why would you call up with your happy news? I don't know. But some people do also like to spin yarns.

Seriously? I was 22 when I got engaged—I didn’t understand that my mother was a narcissist until I was in my mid 30s and raising children of my own. That’s when I realized how f’d up my own childhood had been, and also how much work I needed to do to get beyond it and be a better parent for my kids. I’m offended that you think anyone would make this up. Why are you here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are some of the things narcissistic mothers say and do?

when you’re a 9 year old piano player learning the Happy Farmer she pushes you off the piano bench and plays a Chopin’s Polonaise.

Thank you for this one example. I read so many posts from women who hate their mothers, but never any examples of what it is exactly, their mothers did to them. I would implore everybody to be very cautious of therapists. To be honest, the two most self-centered, insecure women I have known in my adult life felt rudderless as empty nesters and became therapists. They charge and arm and a leg, but I simply cannot imagine ever getting becoming a healthier person just by sitting down with the likes of them. My DD tried therapy a few times for her anxiety in high school and could not believe how strange the therapists she tried all were. I know this is so unsympathetic, but barring physical and sexual abuse, and real neglect, should having a mother who is basically just not that nice really ruin your life?

While ultimately as an adult you can't blame your parents for ruining your life the impact that "not that nice" parents have can be huge. When you have parents who put you down, disregard your emotional needs, make you feel as though you're an impediment to them living the life they want, etc. it can have a big impact on your sense of self-worth. I think it's sometimes hard for people with good parents to understand this. Also what constitutes "real neglect?" Does turning a blind eye to the fact that your 13 year old daughter is having sex and drinking meet the criteria? I left out a pregnancy test and came home smelling of alcohol and my mother never said anything. What about leaving your 15 year old daughter alone for weeks on end while you stay with your girlfriend? I had way too much freedom and not enough supervision as a kid because after my parents divorced they wanted to pretend they didn't have a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are some of the things narcissistic mothers say and do?

when you’re a 9 year old piano player learning the Happy Farmer she pushes you off the piano bench and plays a Chopin’s Polonaise.

Thank you for this one example. I read so many posts from women who hate their mothers, but never any examples of what it is exactly, their mothers did to them. I would implore everybody to be very cautious of therapists. To be honest, the two most self-centered, insecure women I have known in my adult life felt rudderless as empty nesters and became therapists. They charge and arm and a leg, but I simply cannot imagine ever getting becoming a healthier person just by sitting down with the likes of them. My DD tried therapy a few times for her anxiety in high school and could not believe how strange the therapists she tried all were. I know this is so unsympathetic, but barring physical and sexual abuse, and real neglect, should having a mother who is basically just not that nice really ruin your life?

I agree with you about therapists. Generally speaking, I’ve noticed you get what you pay for—the good therapists cost a lot.

About narcissism—you don’t seem to have a good understanding about this term—you should probably do some research to see why they have such a negative impact on their children. That said, I agree that too many people have a victim mentality and this does not serve them.

[Anonymous]

How are the holidays for those with narcissistic mothers? Mine drives me nuts about presents for the grandkids so she can make a big splash and tries to guilt trip me about living in another state because I was supposed to plan my life path around her needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are the holidays for those with narcissistic mothers? Mine drives me nuts about presents for the grandkids so she can make a big splash and tries to guilt trip me about living in another state because I was supposed to plan my life path around her needs.

My mom doesn’t “do” presents. Hasn’t given a gift to another human being in decades. My dad has to do it all, and he just gives the grandkids cash. The adults don’t get anything.

She does like to complain about the holidays though, regardless of whether we travel halfway across the country to see them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do any other daughters of narcissistic mothers have mothers who blatantly favor your brothers over you?

My mother shows zero interest in me or my life. She probably couldn't even tell you where I work or what I do for a living but she knows every minute detail about my under-achieving younger brother and will talk about him at length if given the chance. She has never given any indication that she is proud of me or even so much as acknowledged my achievements in spite the fact that on-paper, I'm clearly the more successful child. The favoritism is so obvious and in-your-face that other people have pointed it out.

Yes. My mom told me she wanted sons. She favored my brothers and abused me. She treated my dh as her own son. I felt loke I was an outsider.

When my older son was born we attended a family party. My mom took my son and positioned herself front and center in the photo and stood in front of me, practically blocking me out from the photo. Even my husband noticed what she did. From then on he got her number. It was obvious that she was parading herself around as grandma. She had little to nothing to say to me. She wanted to validation from her friends that she was now in their club.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do any other daughters of narcissistic mothers have mothers who blatantly favor your brothers over you?

My mother shows zero interest in me or my life. She probably couldn't even tell you where I work or what I do for a living but she knows every minute detail about my under-achieving younger brother and will talk about him at length if given the chance. She has never given any indication that she is proud of me or even so much as acknowledged my achievements in spite the fact that on-paper, I'm clearly the more successful child. The favoritism is so obvious and in-your-face that other people have pointed it out.

Yes. My mom told me she wanted sons. She favored my brothers and abused me. She treated my dh as her own son. I felt loke I was an outsider.

When my older son was born we attended a family party. My mom took my son and positioned herself front and center in the photo and stood in front of me, practically blocking me out from the photo. Even my husband noticed what she did. From then on he got her number. It was obvious that she was parading herself around as grandma. She had little to nothing to say to me. She wanted to validation from her friends that she was now in their club.

Do we have the same mom? I posted once, if anyone remembers, about having a baby and when the baby was five days old, my mom invited several family members (including toddlers who were always sick) over to my house without telling me until they were almost there. When they arrived, she grabbed my baby to introduce him as if he were hers. This was after my pediatrician said to avoid crowds because babies require a spinal tap if they spike a fever under two weeks old. I cried and was so hormonal. She wrote me a scathing email (which I also posted) where she told me I was too inflexible and need to be able to go with the flow now that I was a parent, and roll with the punches and gracious accept guests on a whim.

I don't know if my mom is a narcissist but she definitely has 0 boundaries with me. She has also done nice things for me, gotten me nice stuff, been on my side in certain situations, which I think she feels has afforded her the right to cross normal boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do any other daughters of narcissistic mothers have mothers who blatantly favor your brothers over you?

My mother shows zero interest in me or my life. She probably couldn't even tell you where I work or what I do for a living but she knows every minute detail about my under-achieving younger brother and will talk about him at length if given the chance. She has never given any indication that she is proud of me or even so much as acknowledged my achievements in spite the fact that on-paper, I'm clearly the more successful child. The favoritism is so obvious and in-your-face that other people have pointed it out.

Yes. My mom told me she wanted sons. She favored my brothers and abused me. She treated my dh as her own son. I felt loke I was an outsider.

When my older son was born we attended a family party. My mom took my son and positioned herself front and center in the photo and stood in front of me, practically blocking me out from the photo. Even my husband noticed what she did. From then on he got her number. It was obvious that she was parading herself around as grandma. She had little to nothing to say to me. She wanted to validation from her friends that she was now in their club.

Do we have the same mom? I posted once, if anyone remembers, about having a baby and when the baby was five days old, my mom invited several family members (including toddlers who were always sick) over to my house without telling me until they were almost there. When they arrived, she grabbed my baby to introduce him as if he were hers. This was after my pediatrician said to avoid crowds because babies require a spinal tap if they spike a fever under two weeks old. I cried and was so hormonal. She wrote me a scathing email (which I also posted) where she told me I was too inflexible and need to be able to go with the flow now that I was a parent, and roll with the punches and gracious accept guests on a whim.

I don't know if my mom is a narcissist but she definitely has 0 boundaries with me. She has also done nice things for me, gotten me nice stuff, been on my side in certain situations, which I think she feels has afforded her the right to cross normal boundaries.

PP here. Oh, I can relate. My mom bristles at the idea of boundaries— we are family! I am your mother! When I force those boundaries, though, she’ll say, “we’ve been good to you,” meaning, she (and my dad) should have the freedom to do snd say whatever they want and I have no business being offered minded or outright shutting them down.

Over the years I’ve come to realize that they were extremely dysfunctional. I do think it’s s case if narcissism covering for insecurity and the gnawing sense that they never really achieved what they wanted in life because their own parents were also stifling snd more worried about enforcing what they wanted rather than allowing their children to grow into full adults. That’s why I often believe in sone ways my mother emotionally froze somewhere in her teen years.

So what do you do when this is your own mother and you know she’s not going to change? I’ve tried distancing myself and her response to that has been that she wants to see her grandchildren (and I’m supposed to facilitate that because we don’t want to be one of those families with estrangement). I’m waiting for the day she decides she’s not seeing them enough and tries play the grandparents rights card.

My guess is my kids will not want to spend much time with her once they’re old enough to make that decision (and like a good narcissist she’ll blame me for it.)