Oh my word. This. Don’t share the diagnosis. Share the therapies she needs for the behaviors we are seeing. My anxious mom is constantly finding a new book with a new explanation for my son’s troubles. |
I appreciate your intent, but I think you are projecting your own experiences onto my family. Not the part about my anxiety, which I've already acknowledged multiple times on this thread. You all are really reading a lot into the fact I posted on DCUM about this. Trust me, I don't trust these boards with my real problems. |
I worked with a CBT therapist for a few sessions when we were navigating my child’s diagnosis. It gave me a safe space to work through what to share/ how to share/ with whom. I was able to build a pretty flexible framework that works for me. That helps me manage my stress/ anxiety.
For my mom, who is anxious, I came up with some stock phrases I use to avoid getting too triggered (e.g. the uncertainty is difficult, so we’re focusing on what helps in specific settings/ yes it’s hard when we can’t do what we’ve always done/ I have to focus on meeting my kids’ needs right now, adults can take care of themselves/ different can still be fun/ sometimes we all need a break). And that helps me notice when I’ve had to use my phrases a lot, I can actively disengage from the topic. I was also navigating some uncertainty with actual diagnoses so having a space to process that so it didn’t get exacerbated by others’ worries helped me. It turns out my concerns about diagnosis were accurate, but that didn’t change therapeutic interventions along the way. For the appointment, the waitlists can be over a year, so I would just say “ We got a spot sooner than you expected and things have been busy. Now what are we planning for Thanksgiving that everyone will enjoy?” My parents work best when we gave them specific ways to help. Ultimately a driver of their anxiety is feeling helpless in the face of my challenges. My dad used to coach my brother’s sports teams. So for my less coordinated child, he focused on playing catch and kicking a ball (DH and I are terrible at sports). My mom is a great cook, so she made more biscuits than I can count with my kids. It helped with motor skills etc, and also maintained a family tradition and connection. I would share some of the books I was reading like Ross Greene. And it was heart-warming how hard they work to follow my lead with handling challenging moments. This isn’t to say there haven’t been hard moments. My now 13yo DS is famous for having told his grandmother that “it’s ok we all get too mad sometimes” after his grandmother had a meltdown. He was 3, she was 73. We all held our breath, but she laughed and then she cried and then it was ok. Their efforts continue to help since my nephew also has ended up having some more intense special needs. My brother and SIL have been able to share more with my parents because they’ve seen their efforts. Good luck! Connection to grandparents is beautiful when you can make it work. |
Thank you for this. I really appreciate your insights. |
The fact that you are even thinking about your mom’s reaction to this is symptomatic. It is not healthy and not normal. She has conditioned you to be taking care of her feelings even when your only priority should be your DD and her best interest. She wants you to continue being her child (yet also, in this caretaking role, parentified) and not a fully independent adult with a child of your own as the appropriate object of your caretaking. |
I mean, yes. But these things are also the result of learned responses and trauma caused by parents whose own anxiety prevents them from being fully present as supports for their kids. (I am also an anxious child of an anxious parent, but my mother absolutely rejects the idea that she is anxious and her parenting behavior towards me reflected it.) |
Wow, this is just really over the top and dramatic. Sorry. |
OP here. I did wait to tell my parents, but finally told them after we got the report. I didn't feel I could keep it from them since they do help care for her from time to time and experience some of her rigidity and inflexibility. Thankfully, when we told them we had already had several weeks to process the diagnosis (and of course start getting services in place, lest anyone assume I was just sitting at home stressing about how my mother would react lol).
My mother's reaction was in line with what I thought it might be, but it still took me a little off guard. At first, she insisted she had suspected it or something, then later fessed up she felt bad that she didn't see it before. She also initially started going on about our parenting and the fact that DD doesn't have a sibling. She was basically just processing things out loud. My dad seemed really sad (in his stoic way). Which I get, though I hope he comes to see that it is not as dire as he probably thinks. We shared the report with them to help them get questions answered, though I wonder if that was the right choice since it is quite technical. But I think my dad really needed it. My mother did criticize the report because she lacked the context we have of working with the psychologist. I think if I had told them while I was still processing it, I would have really struggled with my mother's reaction. She hasn't said anything yet about us not telling her earlier, and I don't think she will. I think she knows we haven't been telling her everything right away, and maybe that makes her anxious, but oh well, she has a therapist to talk to about that. |