If I wait to tell my parents about my DD's possible diagnosis until after formal diagnosis will it blow up in my face

[Anonymous]

OP, you’re not the expert here, so don’t even entertain the notion that you have to be able to answer your mother’s questions. If your dd receives a diagnosis, ask the specialist for resources. They can share books and websites that are legitimate sources of information. When you tell your parents, come prepared with a book to hand off. Make sure you have resources that explain how ASD presents differently in girls than boys. That might help your mom understand why she didn’t expect a diagnosis and your dd got one anyway. Shut down any expectation that getting a diagnosis a day, week, month or even year ago means that you have all the answers. Even with the ASD label, your dd is a unique individual. Her ASD won’t look like someone else’s ASD.

[Anonymous]

If your mother has a background working with youbg kids, she probably already suspects your DD is autistic.

I have no background but have 3 kids. You can usually tell when a kid’s behavior is abnormal. Often those kids get diagnosed with autism or ADHD. Some parents are very open about the process and diagnosis. Others seem to not want to disclose and it is more MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your mother has a background working with youbg kids, she probably already suspects your DD is autistic.

I have no background but have 3 kids. You can usually tell when a kid’s behavior is abnormal. Often those kids get diagnosed with autism or ADHD. Some parents are very open about the process and diagnosis. Others seem to not want to disclose and it is more MYOB.

Eh it's possible she has changed her mind since she last said she didn't think DD was on the spectrum. But her background is working with younger children with moderate and severe developmental delays. On the surface DD seems pretty on track developmentally. I don't think my mother has much if any experience with diagnosed ASD level 1, though I imagine she probably worked with kids who would today be or were later diagnosed. Frankly it is possible my brother and/or I might be on the spectrum, but it would never have been diagnosed when we were kids.

I think mostly it will be a shock to her and she won't understand what it means in the context of her experience. And she will demand that I be the person who helps her understand and also will try to direct how I interact with providers. Obviously I won't just do what she says, but it can be stressful to figure out how to respond. I appreciate the advice on this thread.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s okay to wait. I recently did this for my DS. Completely different illness. He’s slso a bit older, so my reasons were different. More or less, I wanted to protect him and his privacy. I have no regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s okay to wait. I recently did this for my DS. Completely different illness. He’s slso a bit older, so my reasons were different. More or less, I wanted to protect him and his privacy. I have no regrets.

OP here - thank you for this perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She will definitely freak out and ask a million questions that I will not be able to answer and then she will demand I make sure to ask those questions, many of which will not be helpful to ask and would waste time with the psychologist doing the assessment. From my perspective, I'd rather wait for the assessment report and then give my mother the news.

So do this. So what if she asks a million questions you can't answer. She can't require you to answer them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She will definitely freak out and ask a million questions that I will not be able to answer and then she will demand I make sure to ask those questions, many of which will not be helpful to ask and would waste time with the psychologist doing the assessment. From my perspective, I'd rather wait for the assessment report and then give my mother the news.

Your mother is the last of your problems. I would just tell her if and when you get a diagnosis. If she has a million questions, tell her you don’t know and that is the end.

So do this. So what if she asks a million questions you can't answer. She can't require you to answer them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My preschooler might be diagnosed with ASD in a few months. Multiple psychologists/therapists have recently told us she might get this diagnosis. If she does have it, it is fortunately not causing a lot of issues right now. I am worried about what this means for DD's future, but I also feel hopeful that she will be just fine and this will be a good step towards getting her the right supports (perhaps ones that her father and/or I never had access to).

My mother has a background working with young children. She is also a very anxious person. When I have wondered out loud to her if DD might be on the spectrum she was very skeptical. I suspect if DD is diagnosed it will come as a shock to her. She will definitely freak out and ask a million questions that I will not be able to answer and then she will demand I make sure to ask those questions, many of which will not be helpful to ask and would waste time with the psychologist doing the assessment. From my perspective, I'd rather wait for the assessment report and then give my mother the news.

But if my mother finds out this assessment had been scheduled for months and why we requested it she probably will be hurt we did not tell her ahead of time. I am not a good liar. My guess is that is still better than her freaking out now and then freaking me out more because I can't answer her questions. But if anyone has been through something similar (telling a family member about a diagnosis after it is confirmed and after knowing for months it might be coming) I'd appreciate any perspectives you can share.

Probably. But if it were me. I would wait until I had a final diagnosis. The last thing you need is someone else, no matter how caring, second guess the doctors of your choice. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

My MIL doesn't know anything about our SN kid's specific diagnoses. She makes everything about her and has a big mouth so she is in the dark. Works for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s okay to wait. I recently did this for my DS. Completely different illness. He’s slso a bit older, so my reasons were different. More or less, I wanted to protect him and his privacy. I have no regrets.

Same here. My DD recently had a health scare and I told no one until after we’d seen the specialist and gotten a diagnosis. Even then, since it turned out to be completely benign, I didn’t bring it up right away but only discussed it in the normal course of conversation (which is why my mother is the only person who knows, unless DH has mentioned to his parents).

[Anonymous]

Don't worry about telling your mom until you get the diagnosis. Even then, you do not need to tell her or anyone else.

I have been through this, and my MIL has a teaching background and is very into things similar to how you describe your mom. We did not tell her until afterwards. She didn't really believe it but didn't make a huge issue of it either way. It isn't really her business, so we do what we need to do, and she deals with it.

You can tell whoever you feel comfortable and not tell others. You don't owe it to anyone. You can say you are getting services for X or Y issue if you don't want to tell her the diagnosis, even if you found the services through the diagnosis (i.e. "She is having some gross motor delays, and we're doing OT to help with it," not "We're doing OT because she has autism.").

[Anonymous]

Right now is the exact moment you need to stop worrying about your mom, honestly. You need to focus on what your daughter needs and what you need. Tell your mom when it’s most convenient FOR YOU. She has you twisted all into pretzels over when to tell her something that may or may not happen. No. Just no. Tell her whenever you want to and then let her deal with her feelings about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Right now is the exact moment you need to stop worrying about your mom, honestly. You need to focus on what your daughter needs and what you need. Tell your mom when it’s most convenient FOR YOU. She has you twisted all into pretzels over when to tell her something that may or may not happen. No. Just no. Tell her whenever you want to and then let her deal with her feelings about it.

::Sigh::

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't worry about telling your mom until you get the diagnosis. Even then, you do not need to tell her or anyone else.

I have been through this, and my MIL has a teaching background and is very into things similar to how you describe your mom. We did not tell her until afterwards. She didn't really believe it but didn't make a huge issue of it either way. It isn't really her business, so we do what we need to do, and she deals with it.

You can tell whoever you feel comfortable and not tell others. You don't owe it to anyone. You can say you are getting services for X or Y issue if you don't want to tell her the diagnosis, even if you found the services through the diagnosis (i.e. "She is having some gross motor delays, and we're doing OT to help with it," not "We're doing OT because she has autism.").

Thank you for sharing this. I appreciate it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your mother has a background working with youbg kids, she probably already suspects your DD is autistic.

I have no background but have 3 kids. You can usually tell when a kid’s behavior is abnormal. Often those kids get diagnosed with autism or ADHD. Some parents are very open about the process and diagnosis. Others seem to not want to disclose and it is more MYOB.

Eh it's possible she has changed her mind since she last said she didn't think DD was on the spectrum. But her background is working with younger children with moderate and severe developmental delays. On the surface DD seems pretty on track developmentally. I don't think my mother has much if any experience with diagnosed ASD level 1, though I imagine she probably worked with kids who would today be or were later diagnosed. Frankly it is possible my brother and/or I might be on the spectrum, but it would never have been diagnosed when we were kids.

I think mostly it will be a shock to her and she won't understand what it means in the context of her experience. And she will demand that I be the person who helps her understand and also will try to direct how I interact with providers. Obviously I won't just do what she says, but it can be stressful to figure out how to respond. I appreciate the advice on this thread.

you actually aren’t obligated to tell her at all, even after the diagnosis. it sounds like telling her will not have any benefit for you or dd. if you don’t tell her, you can focus on managing your own anxiety (im sure you have some as any parent would in this circumstance) and supporting dd. if you do tell her, your focus shifts from yourself and your daughter to managing your mothers anxiety (seems like this has been a long term pattern for you). it won’t be helpful for you or dd or your mom, and likely your mom will resist/deny the diagnosis anyways. you can share strategies that are helpful for your daughter as they are appropriate without sharing the diagnosis. just say her pediatrician / her teacher / etc recommended why try xyz strategy and let your mom write it off as new generation advice.

you can tell your mom some day when you feel emotionally / mentally prepared to help her manage her anxiety around it, or you can wait until dd is old enough to decide whether to share that info herself, or you can never tell her. if it becomes more obvious down the line, you can tell her then. yes she will have a lot of anxiety about it and she will be upset you didn’t tell her sooner, but that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong or anything hurtful to your mom. it is not your obligation to tell her things nor is it your obligation to anticipate and manage her anxiety for her.

i say this all with love and compassion, as someone with anxious family members who often needs this reminder! if you’ve been dealing with her anxiety as if it’s your problem for your whole life, it’s incredibly freeing to realize that you actually don’t have to take that role on (and never should have!)