If I wait to tell my parents about my DD's possible diagnosis until after formal diagnosis will it blow up in my face

[Anonymous]

My preschooler might be diagnosed with ASD in a few months. Multiple psychologists/therapists have recently told us she might get this diagnosis. If she does have it, it is fortunately not causing a lot of issues right now. I am worried about what this means for DD's future, but I also feel hopeful that she will be just fine and this will be a good step towards getting her the right supports (perhaps ones that her father and/or I never had access to).

My mother has a background working with young children. She is also a very anxious person. When I have wondered out loud to her if DD might be on the spectrum she was very skeptical. I suspect if DD is diagnosed it will come as a shock to her. She will definitely freak out and ask a million questions that I will not be able to answer and then she will demand I make sure to ask those questions, many of which will not be helpful to ask and would waste time with the psychologist doing the assessment. From my perspective, I'd rather wait for the assessment report and then give my mother the news.

But if my mother finds out this assessment had been scheduled for months and why we requested it she probably will be hurt we did not tell her ahead of time. I am not a good liar. My guess is that is still better than her freaking out now and then freaking me out more because I can't answer her questions. But if anyone has been through something similar (telling a family member about a diagnosis after it is confirmed and after knowing for months it might be coming) I'd appreciate any perspectives you can share.

[Anonymous]

I predict the diagnosis itself will take up the majority of oxygen in the room. Sure, she might comment on her late notice, but the problem is big enough to take up the focus.

[Anonymous]

Only you and your family can answer this.

[Anonymous]

"Mom, we didn't tell you because there was nothing to tell. I've mentioned before we had suspicions, and now we know and will work with her care team to have a plan to best support DD."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, we didn't tell you because there was nothing to tell. I've mentioned before we had suspicions, and now we know and will work with her care team to have a plan to best support DD."

This.

[Anonymous]

You can't build your life around around your mother's personality disorder. Do what's right for your kid.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't matter because your mother will deny reality and project her own imagination onto the kid anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't build your life around around your mother's personality disorder. Do what's right for your kid.

This is the correct answer. Even though you've probably already built your life around it for decades. But you can at least not build your child's life around it.

[Anonymous]

Focus on your child, not what your mother might or might not do. For all you know, she may question the actual diagnosis. It doesn’t matter.

[Anonymous]

Managing your mother’s response is the last thing you should be concerned about. The fact that you’re so worried about how your mother might respond is a massive red flag. It isn’t about her.

Also, “a background working with young children”? Is she a psychologist? An occupational therapist? A social worker? What is this “background”?

I had a similar experience with my mother around my son’s ADHD diagnosis, except I already knew my mother was a full blown narcissist at the time, so I was prepared for her to respond poorly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't build your life around around your mother's personality disorder. Do what's right for your kid.

This is the correct answer. Even though you've probably already built your life around it for decades. But you can at least not build your child's life around it.

OP here - I'm curious, what do you mean by this? I don't doubt that my relationship with my mother is unhealthy in many ways. I'd love to hear an outsider's perspective. I don't know what it is like to have a different type of mother.

[Anonymous]

My mom was very anxious too and relentless in her demand for answers. I regret the countless occasions when I put my own comfort aside to accommodate her. I don't regret the times when I did what's best for me and shared important news only after I was ready--wish I'd done it more and claimed my agency. She was not happy about finding out after the fact, but as a pp said the news itself would take the oxygen out of the room. Her anxiety is hers to manage; you should not take on that burden.

Listen to your gut and only share what and when you're ready.

[Anonymous]

your mother needs to know her role in your and child's life. be loving and supporting and stay in your lane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Managing your mother’s response is the last thing you should be concerned about. The fact that you’re so worried about how your mother might respond is a massive red flag. It isn’t about her.

Also, “a background working with young children”? Is she a psychologist? An occupational therapist? A social worker? What is this “background”?

I had a similar experience with my mother around my son’s ADHD diagnosis, except I already knew my mother was a full blown narcissist at the time, so I was prepared for her to respond poorly.

OP here. I am worried about a lot of things. I would say about 80% of my headspace right now is wrapping my head around the possible diagnosis and what this might mean for DD. 10% is trying to manage work responsibilities. 5% is home responsibilities. 5% is me making the conscious decision to not mention what the psychologists have told us to my mother and wondering how that will play out in a few months.

[Anonymous]

I have a child with ASD who was diagnosed at age 2. We have only told very select people. My parents, in-laws and some of our siblings are not part of the list in the know.
You don’t have to immediately announce to everyone, especially if they’re not going to be supportive and end up creating more anxiety.