If I wait to tell my parents about my DD's possible diagnosis until after formal diagnosis will it blow up in my face

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think by far the best advice was early on:

"What do you mean? I did tell you, we talked about it several times remember?"

"You didn't tell me you made an appointment"

"I know you didn't think it was necessary but I thought I was clear that I was worried about it anyway, besides, what does it matter?"

Just stop telling yourself "I'm hiding this appointment" and start telling yourself "I've told her lots of times I think this might be a problem, well, I'll let her know what the Dr says"

This. She doesn't need the micro-details and logistics. She wants them, but she doesn't need them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't build your life around around your mother's personality disorder. Do what's right for your kid.

This is the correct answer. Even though you've probably already built your life around it for decades. But you can at least not build your child's life around it.

+1. I will try to say this gently, but you need to step back and try to take an objective look at what you're describing here. Your major anxiety over your child receiving a diagnosis that will have to be taken into account in every school and social interaction for maybe, ever, is that your mom is going to be mad she didn't get a sneak preview.

You and your child do not exist solely to fulfill your mother's emotional needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't build your life around around your mother's personality disorder. Do what's right for your kid.

This is the correct answer. Even though you've probably already built your life around it for decades. But you can at least not build your child's life around it.

+1. I will try to say this gently, but you need to step back and try to take an objective look at what you're describing here. Your major anxiety over your child receiving a diagnosis that will have to be taken into account in every school and social interaction for maybe, ever, is that your mom is going to be mad she didn't get a sneak preview.

You and your child do not exist solely to fulfill your mother's emotional needs.

I'm not sure why you think this is the thing that is most worrying me about the potential diagnosis, but I assure you it is not.

Btw "I will say this gently" and "I say this kindly" and "Honestly" are all passive aggressive ways of saying you don't think very highly of the person you are addressing.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous
I will try to say this gently, but you need to step back and try to take an objective look at what you're describing here. Your major anxiety over your child receiving a diagnosis that will have to be taken into account in every school and social interaction for maybe, ever, is that your mom is going to be mad she didn't get a sneak preview.



I disagree.

OP came here to ask for some advice about her mother's reaction to a potential diagnosis. She didn't say that it was the her primary concern. It's pretty clear from her level-headed responses that she is understandably most concerned for her daughter but came to this page to seek advice on how she might manage her mother's potential reaction. Let's offer some grace and compassion and not leap to unfair conclusions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aah, this takes me back.

In our case, I always suspected my son of being on the spectrum, but he had more pressing needs and he initially received a formal diagnosis of ADHD, so he could have medication for his severe type of inattention. That was a years-long process, because my husband was against meds for so long. I kept telling my family and friends that DS also had traits of high-functioning autism. No formal ASD diagnosis was necessary in school, since he had all the therapies and accommodations he needed without it.

He finally did get an ASD diagnosis at 17, in view of getting residential accommodations in college (private room and bath). The day I told my mother he'd received that diagnosis, SHE FREAKED OUT.

The moral of this story is that people are a little dumb. If they're going to freak out, that's what they'll do, no matter how you prepare the terrain beforehand. My mother had about 15 years to think about it, because her daughter (me), a geneticist and research scientist, told her about the ASD symptoms she was seeing and mitigating with therapies, social skills groups, etc. And yet she still blew a gasket when the diagnosis was official. As if her grandson had changed, and was suddenly a different person! Pffft.

So, please don't agonize over different scenarios. She'll freak out no matter what, and it will be HER fault, not yours. Given this truth, if I were you, I'd tell her later rather than sooner. And when she asks why you didn't tell her before, you'll say: "I knew you'd freak out."

I respectfully disagree with this. I find the worse thing you can say to someone like this mother is something critical. Telling her she would freak out will make her freak out worse. "I'm not freaking out!" Which exacerbates the situation.

OP needs to be the calm, in-control parent here. Allow the mom to freak out. But OP remains calm. Mom, this is where we are now. We are doing our best to move forward and support Larla.

PP you replied to. Well, this where I'm at: I'm 43 and have dealt with a hyper-anxious, critical mother all my life. My point is that there is nothing I can do to make her behave appropriately when she's stressed out. And there is nothing I can do to make her less stressed out in certain situations. So I just calmly say what I want to say now. I don't actually care what her reaction is these days, because I recognize that I am not at fault, and she's the one doing this to herself. I'm done walking on eggshells. And it works in the sense that I feel much better about myself. For the longest time, I didn't realize that the concept of "mother of minor kids taking on all the emotional burdens and making every effort to placate everyone" is very damaging in the long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, we didn't tell you because there was nothing to tell. I've mentioned before we had suspicions, and now we know and will work with her care team to have a plan to best support DD."

This.

And if she continues to react, just calmly keep repeating "we plan to work with her care team to best support DD."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't build your life around around your mother's personality disorder. Do what's right for your kid.

This is the correct answer. Even though you've probably already built your life around it for decades. But you can at least not build your child's life around it.

+1. I will try to say this gently, but you need to step back and try to take an objective look at what you're describing here. Your major anxiety over your child receiving a diagnosis that will have to be taken into account in every school and social interaction for maybe, ever, is that your mom is going to be mad she didn't get a sneak preview.

You and your child do not exist solely to fulfill your mother's emotional needs.

I'm not sure why you think this is the thing that is most worrying me about the potential diagnosis, but I assure you it is not.

Btw "I will say this gently" and "I say this kindly" and "Honestly" are all passive aggressive ways of saying you don't think very highly of the person you are addressing.

DP, I disagree OP , people say that often so what they say does not come off as hostile or unkind. They want you to know that the raw truth they are delivering is not meant as mean or ugly, just honest.

I used those phrases sometimes and it’s not to people I look down on. Those are the people who get the straight truth, no chaser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My preschooler might be diagnosed with ASD in a few months. Multiple psychologists/therapists have recently told us she might get this diagnosis. If she does have it, it is fortunately not causing a lot of issues right now. I am worried about what this means for DD's future, but I also feel hopeful that she will be just fine and this will be a good step towards getting her the right supports (perhaps ones that her father and/or I never had access to).

My mother has a background working with young children. She is also a very anxious person. When I have wondered out loud to her if DD might be on the spectrum she was very skeptical. I suspect if DD is diagnosed it will come as a shock to her. She will definitely freak out and ask a million questions that I will not be able to answer and then she will demand I make sure to ask those questions, many of which will not be helpful to ask and would waste time with the psychologist doing the assessment. From my perspective, I'd rather wait for the assessment report and then give my mother the news.

But if my mother finds out this assessment had been scheduled for months and why we requested it she probably will be hurt we did not tell her ahead of time. I am not a good liar. My guess is that is still better than her freaking out now and then freaking me out more because I can't answer her questions. But if anyone has been through something similar (telling a family member about a diagnosis after it is confirmed and after knowing for months it might be coming) I'd appreciate any perspectives you can share.

Are you sure that your mother is the "very anxious" one? You've written paragraphs freaking out over what you imagine her response will be. Or maybe all 3 ladies in this story have the same anxiety disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't build your life around around your mother's personality disorder. Do what's right for your kid.

This is the correct answer. Even though you've probably already built your life around it for decades. But you can at least not build your child's life around it.

OP here - I'm curious, what do you mean by this? I don't doubt that my relationship with my mother is unhealthy in many ways. I'd love to hear an outsider's perspective. I don't know what it is like to have a different type of mother.

PP here, and I meant it empathetically. Both my parents have serious mental health issues and there are aspects of my life that were structured around those issues for decades, and to an extent still are. I would also worry about how they would respond to news like this, and how best to tell them, and brace myself for their responses, because I am conditioned to always think first of their emotional needs before even the health and well being of my child (or me). I have to work to set aside that impulse do that I can focus on my kid or myself.

I know people whose parents don't have these kind of issues, and they would not worry about how the news would impact their parents. They'd share it when it felt right and seek support, and their parents are mature people who would offer live and support instead of making it all about them.

I aspire to be like those parents.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't be so afraid of your Mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't build your life around around your mother's personality disorder. Do what's right for your kid.

This is the correct answer. Even though you've probably already built your life around it for decades. But you can at least not build your child's life around it.

OP here - I'm curious, what do you mean by this? I don't doubt that my relationship with my mother is unhealthy in many ways. I'd love to hear an outsider's perspective. I don't know what it is like to have a different type of mother.

PP here, and I meant it empathetically. Both my parents have serious mental health issues and there are aspects of my life that were structured around those issues for decades, and to an extent still are. I would also worry about how they would respond to news like this, and how best to tell them, and brace myself for their responses, because I am conditioned to always think first of their emotional needs before even the health and well being of my child (or me). I have to work to set aside that impulse do that I can focus on my kid or myself.

I know people whose parents don't have these kind of issues, and they would not worry about how the news would impact their parents. They'd share it when it felt right and seek support, and their parents are mature people who would offer live and support instead of making it all about them.

I aspire to be like those parents.

OP here. I appreciate your concern. I actually have spent most of my energy since the consultation (a couple of weeks ago) that triggered the search for the assessment worrying and thinking about the health and well-being of my child. I didn't post about that here because this is the wrong forum for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My preschooler might be diagnosed with ASD in a few months. Multiple psychologists/therapists have recently told us she might get this diagnosis. If she does have it, it is fortunately not causing a lot of issues right now. I am worried about what this means for DD's future, but I also feel hopeful that she will be just fine and this will be a good step towards getting her the right supports (perhaps ones that her father and/or I never had access to).

My mother has a background working with young children. She is also a very anxious person. When I have wondered out loud to her if DD might be on the spectrum she was very skeptical. I suspect if DD is diagnosed it will come as a shock to her. She will definitely freak out and ask a million questions that I will not be able to answer and then she will demand I make sure to ask those questions, many of which will not be helpful to ask and would waste time with the psychologist doing the assessment. From my perspective, I'd rather wait for the assessment report and then give my mother the news.

But if my mother finds out this assessment had been scheduled for months and why we requested it she probably will be hurt we did not tell her ahead of time. I am not a good liar. My guess is that is still better than her freaking out now and then freaking me out more because I can't answer her questions. But if anyone has been through something similar (telling a family member about a diagnosis after it is confirmed and after knowing for months it might be coming) I'd appreciate any perspectives you can share.

Are you sure that your mother is the "very anxious" one? You've written paragraphs freaking out over what you imagine her response will be. Or maybe all 3 ladies in this story have the same anxiety disorder.

I've already stated that yes, like my mother I also have diagnosed anxiety. These things are often genetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't build your life around around your mother's personality disorder. Do what's right for your kid.

This is the correct answer. Even though you've probably already built your life around it for decades. But you can at least not build your child's life around it.

+1. I will try to say this gently, but you need to step back and try to take an objective look at what you're describing here. Your major anxiety over your child receiving a diagnosis that will have to be taken into account in every school and social interaction for maybe, ever, is that your mom is going to be mad she didn't get a sneak preview.

You and your child do not exist solely to fulfill your mother's emotional needs.

I'm not sure why you think this is the thing that is most worrying me about the potential diagnosis, but I assure you it is not.

Btw "I will say this gently" and "I say this kindly" and "Honestly" are all passive aggressive ways of saying you don't think very highly of the person you are addressing.

DP, I disagree OP , people say that often so what they say does not come off as hostile or unkind. They want you to know that the raw truth they are delivering is not meant as mean or ugly, just honest.

I used those phrases sometimes and it’s not to people I look down on. Those are the people who get the straight truth, no chaser.

It comes across as, "I am about to say something critical and I expect you to take it the wrong way". If you want to say something "gently" then just say it gently and have the respect to assume your friends will understand that. Nobody I know IRL talks like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't build your life around around your mother's personality disorder. Do what's right for your kid.

This is the correct answer. Even though you've probably already built your life around it for decades. But you can at least not build your child's life around it.

+1. I will try to say this gently, but you need to step back and try to take an objective look at what you're describing here. Your major anxiety over your child receiving a diagnosis that will have to be taken into account in every school and social interaction for maybe, ever, is that your mom is going to be mad she didn't get a sneak preview.

You and your child do not exist solely to fulfill your mother's emotional needs.

I'm not sure why you think this is the thing that is most worrying me about the potential diagnosis, but I assure you it is not.

Btw "I will say this gently" and "I say this kindly" and "Honestly" are all passive aggressive ways of saying you don't think very highly of the person you are addressing.

DP, I disagree OP , people say that often so what they say does not come off as hostile or unkind. They want you to know that the raw truth they are delivering is not meant as mean or ugly, just honest.

I used those phrases sometimes and it’s not to people I look down on. Those are the people who get the straight truth, no chaser.

It comes across as, "I am about to say something critical and I expect you to take it the wrong way". If you want to say something "gently" then just say it gently and have the respect to assume your friends will understand that. Nobody I know IRL talks like this.

In real life you use tone of voice, inflection, facial expression and body language to convey something gently. That’s much harder to do in writing on a message board where you’re speaking anonymously and a stranger has to guess your intentions. That’s why sincere posters use phrases like that on DCUM, where there are lots of unnecessarily insulting snarky posters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't build your life around around your mother's personality disorder. Do what's right for your kid.

This is the correct answer. Even though you've probably already built your life around it for decades. But you can at least not build your child's life around it.

+1. I will try to say this gently, but you need to step back and try to take an objective look at what you're describing here. Your major anxiety over your child receiving a diagnosis that will have to be taken into account in every school and social interaction for maybe, ever, is that your mom is going to be mad she didn't get a sneak preview.

You and your child do not exist solely to fulfill your mother's emotional needs.

I'm not sure why you think this is the thing that is most worrying me about the potential diagnosis, but I assure you it is not.

Btw "I will say this gently" and "I say this kindly" and "Honestly" are all passive aggressive ways of saying you don't think very highly of the person you are addressing.

DP, I disagree OP , people say that often so what they say does not come off as hostile or unkind. They want you to know that the raw truth they are delivering is not meant as mean or ugly, just honest.

I used those phrases sometimes and it’s not to people I look down on. Those are the people who get the straight truth, no chaser.

It comes across as, "I am about to say something critical and I expect you to take it the wrong way". If you want to say something "gently" the just say it gently and have the respect to assume your friends will understand that. Nobody I know IRL talks like this.

In real life you use tone of voice, inflection, facial expression and body language to convey something gently. That’s much harder to do in writing on a message board where you’re speaking anonymously and a stranger has to guess your intentions. That’s why sincere posters use phrases like that on DCUM, where there are lots of unnecessarily insulting snarky posters.

Actually I find the people who use these phrases, like the PP above, are often the ones making ridiculous and unkind assumptions and pretending that the preface makes it ok.