If I wait to tell my parents about my DD's possible diagnosis until after formal diagnosis will it blow up in my face

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to tell her at all. Or you could tell her and she might not accept it and will annoy you by telling you it’s just your parenting. This is common. Older people are often completely unsupportive about these diagnoses and/or in denial.

Oh my word. This. Don’t share the diagnosis. Share the therapies she needs for the behaviors we are seeing. My anxious mom is constantly finding a new book with a new explanation for my son’s troubles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your mother has a background working with youbg kids, she probably already suspects your DD is autistic.

I have no background but have 3 kids. You can usually tell when a kid’s behavior is abnormal. Often those kids get diagnosed with autism or ADHD. Some parents are very open about the process and diagnosis. Others seem to not want to disclose and it is more MYOB.

Eh it's possible she has changed her mind since she last said she didn't think DD was on the spectrum. But her background is working with younger children with moderate and severe developmental delays. On the surface DD seems pretty on track developmentally. I don't think my mother has much if any experience with diagnosed ASD level 1, though I imagine she probably worked with kids who would today be or were later diagnosed. Frankly it is possible my brother and/or I might be on the spectrum, but it would never have been diagnosed when we were kids.

I think mostly it will be a shock to her and she won't understand what it means in the context of her experience. And she will demand that I be the person who helps her understand and also will try to direct how I interact with providers. Obviously I won't just do what she says, but it can be stressful to figure out how to respond. I appreciate the advice on this thread.

you actually aren’t obligated to tell her at all, even after the diagnosis. it sounds like telling her will not have any benefit for you or dd. if you don’t tell her, you can focus on managing your own anxiety (im sure you have some as any parent would in this circumstance) and supporting dd. if you do tell her, your focus shifts from yourself and your daughter to managing your mothers anxiety (seems like this has been a long term pattern for you). it won’t be helpful for you or dd or your mom, and likely your mom will resist/deny the diagnosis anyways. you can share strategies that are helpful for your daughter as they are appropriate without sharing the diagnosis. just say her pediatrician / her teacher / etc recommended why try xyz strategy and let your mom write it off as new generation advice.

you can tell your mom some day when you feel emotionally / mentally prepared to help her manage her anxiety around it, or you can wait until dd is old enough to decide whether to share that info herself, or you can never tell her. if it becomes more obvious down the line, you can tell her then. yes she will have a lot of anxiety about it and she will be upset you didn’t tell her sooner, but that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong or anything hurtful to your mom. it is not your obligation to tell her things nor is it your obligation to anticipate and manage her anxiety for her.

i say this all with love and compassion, as someone with anxious family members who often needs this reminder! if you’ve been dealing with her anxiety as if it’s your problem for your whole life, it’s incredibly freeing to realize that you actually don’t have to take that role on (and never should have!)

I appreciate your intent, but I think you are projecting your own experiences onto my family. Not the part about my anxiety, which I've already acknowledged multiple times on this thread. You all are really reading a lot into the fact I posted on DCUM about this. Trust me, I don't trust these boards with my real problems.

[Anonymous]

I worked with a CBT therapist for a few sessions when we were navigating my child’s diagnosis. It gave me a safe space to work through what to share/ how to share/ with whom. I was able to build a pretty flexible framework that works for me. That helps me manage my stress/ anxiety.

For my mom, who is anxious, I came up with some stock phrases I use to avoid getting too triggered (e.g. the uncertainty is difficult, so we’re focusing on what helps in specific settings/ yes it’s hard when we can’t do what we’ve always done/ I have to focus on meeting my kids’ needs right now, adults can take care of themselves/ different can still be fun/ sometimes we all need a break). And that helps me notice when I’ve had to use my phrases a lot, I can actively disengage from the topic.

I was also navigating some uncertainty with actual diagnoses so having a space to process that so it didn’t get exacerbated by others’ worries helped me. It turns out my concerns about diagnosis were accurate, but that didn’t change therapeutic interventions along the way.

For the appointment, the waitlists can be over a year, so I would just say “ We got a spot sooner than you expected and things have been busy. Now what are we planning for Thanksgiving that everyone will enjoy?”

My parents work best when we gave them specific ways to help. Ultimately a driver of their anxiety is feeling helpless in the face of my challenges. My dad used to coach my brother’s sports teams. So for my less coordinated child, he focused on playing catch and kicking a ball (DH and I are terrible at sports). My mom is a great cook, so she made more biscuits than I can count with my kids. It helped with motor skills etc, and also maintained a family tradition and connection.

I would share some of the books I was reading like Ross Greene. And it was heart-warming how hard they work to follow my lead with handling challenging moments.

This isn’t to say there haven’t been hard moments. My now 13yo DS is famous for having told his grandmother that “it’s ok we all get too mad sometimes” after his grandmother had a meltdown. He was 3, she was 73. We all held our breath, but she laughed and then she cried and then it was ok.

Their efforts continue to help since my nephew also has ended up having some more intense special needs. My brother and SIL have been able to share more with my parents because they’ve seen their efforts.

Good luck! Connection to grandparents is beautiful when you can make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I worked with a CBT therapist for a few sessions when we were navigating my child’s diagnosis. It gave me a safe space to work through what to share/ how to share/ with whom. I was able to build a pretty flexible framework that works for me. That helps me manage my stress/ anxiety.

For my mom, who is anxious, I came up with some stock phrases I use to avoid getting too triggered (e.g. the uncertainty is difficult, so we’re focusing on what helps in specific settings/ yes it’s hard when we can’t do what we’ve always done/ I have to focus on meeting my kids’ needs right now, adults can take care of themselves/ different can still be fun/ sometimes we all need a break). And that helps me notice when I’ve had to use my phrases a lot, I can actively disengage from the topic.

I was also navigating some uncertainty with actual diagnoses so having a space to process that so it didn’t get exacerbated by others’ worries helped me. It turns out my concerns about diagnosis were accurate, but that didn’t change therapeutic interventions along the way.

For the appointment, the waitlists can be over a year, so I would just say “ We got a spot sooner than you expected and things have been busy. Now what are we planning for Thanksgiving that everyone will enjoy?”

My parents work best when we gave them specific ways to help. Ultimately a driver of their anxiety is feeling helpless in the face of my challenges. My dad used to coach my brother’s sports teams. So for my less coordinated child, he focused on playing catch and kicking a ball (DH and I are terrible at sports). My mom is a great cook, so she made more biscuits than I can count with my kids. It helped with motor skills etc, and also maintained a family tradition and connection.

I would share some of the books I was reading like Ross Greene. And it was heart-warming how hard they work to follow my lead with handling challenging moments.

This isn’t to say there haven’t been hard moments. My now 13yo DS is famous for having told his grandmother that “it’s ok we all get too mad sometimes” after his grandmother had a meltdown. He was 3, she was 73. We all held our breath, but she laughed and then she cried and then it was ok.

Their efforts continue to help since my nephew also has ended up having some more intense special needs. My brother and SIL have been able to share more with my parents because they’ve seen their efforts.

Good luck! Connection to grandparents is beautiful when you can make it work.

Thank you for this. I really appreciate your insights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't build your life around around your mother's personality disorder. Do what's right for your kid.

This is the correct answer. Even though you've probably already built your life around it for decades. But you can at least not build your child's life around it.

OP here - I'm curious, what do you mean by this? I don't doubt that my relationship with my mother is unhealthy in many ways. I'd love to hear an outsider's perspective. I don't know what it is like to have a different type of mother.

The fact that you are even thinking about your mom’s reaction to this is symptomatic. It is not healthy and not normal. She has conditioned you to be taking care of her feelings even when your only priority should be your DD and her best interest. She wants you to continue being her child (yet also, in this caretaking role, parentified) and not a fully independent adult with a child of your own as the appropriate object of your caretaking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My preschooler might be diagnosed with ASD in a few months. Multiple psychologists/therapists have recently told us she might get this diagnosis. If she does have it, it is fortunately not causing a lot of issues right now. I am worried about what this means for DD's future, but I also feel hopeful that she will be just fine and this will be a good step towards getting her the right supports (perhaps ones that her father and/or I never had access to).

My mother has a background working with young children. She is also a very anxious person. When I have wondered out loud to her if DD might be on the spectrum she was very skeptical. I suspect if DD is diagnosed it will come as a shock to her. She will definitely freak out and ask a million questions that I will not be able to answer and then she will demand I make sure to ask those questions, many of which will not be helpful to ask and would waste time with the psychologist doing the assessment. From my perspective, I'd rather wait for the assessment report and then give my mother the news.

But if my mother finds out this assessment had been scheduled for months and why we requested it she probably will be hurt we did not tell her ahead of time. I am not a good liar. My guess is that is still better than her freaking out now and then freaking me out more because I can't answer her questions. But if anyone has been through something similar (telling a family member about a diagnosis after it is confirmed and after knowing for months it might be coming) I'd appreciate any perspectives you can share.

Are you sure that your mother is the "very anxious" one? You've written paragraphs freaking out over what you imagine her response will be. Or maybe all 3 ladies in this story have the same anxiety disorder.

I've already stated that yes, like my mother I also have diagnosed anxiety. These things are often genetic.

I mean, yes. But these things are also the result of learned responses and trauma caused by parents whose own anxiety prevents them from being fully present as supports for their kids.

(I am also an anxious child of an anxious parent, but my mother absolutely rejects the idea that she is anxious and her parenting behavior towards me reflected it.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't build your life around around your mother's personality disorder. Do what's right for your kid.

This is the correct answer. Even though you've probably already built your life around it for decades. But you can at least not build your child's life around it.

OP here - I'm curious, what do you mean by this? I don't doubt that my relationship with my mother is unhealthy in many ways. I'd love to hear an outsider's perspective. I don't know what it is like to have a different type of mother.

The fact that you are even thinking about your mom’s reaction to this is symptomatic. It is not healthy and not normal. She has conditioned you to be taking care of her feelings even when your only priority should be your DD and her best interest. She wants you to continue being her child (yet also, in this caretaking role, parentified) and not a fully independent adult with a child of your own as the appropriate object of your caretaking.

Wow, this is just really over the top and dramatic. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I did wait to tell my parents, but finally told them after we got the report. I didn't feel I could keep it from them since they do help care for her from time to time and experience some of her rigidity and inflexibility. Thankfully, when we told them we had already had several weeks to process the diagnosis (and of course start getting services in place, lest anyone assume I was just sitting at home stressing about how my mother would react lol).

My mother's reaction was in line with what I thought it might be, but it still took me a little off guard. At first, she insisted she had suspected it or something, then later fessed up she felt bad that she didn't see it before. She also initially started going on about our parenting and the fact that DD doesn't have a sibling. She was basically just processing things out loud. My dad seemed really sad (in his stoic way). Which I get, though I hope he comes to see that it is not as dire as he probably thinks.

We shared the report with them to help them get questions answered, though I wonder if that was the right choice since it is quite technical. But I think my dad really needed it. My mother did criticize the report because she lacked the context we have of working with the psychologist.

I think if I had told them while I was still processing it, I would have really struggled with my mother's reaction. She hasn't said anything yet about us not telling her earlier, and I don't think she will. I think she knows we haven't been telling her everything right away, and maybe that makes her anxious, but oh well, she has a therapist to talk to about that.