Have I been emotionally abusive to my little sister all these years?

[Anonymous]

My little sister is 4 years younger than me and she has cut me off from her life because she says that when she looks back on our life, she is disgusted by how I treated her and she deeply resents and hates me for it. I am really hurt and cannot believe I have done anything that would cause her to hate me so much. In an effort to get outside perspective I'd like to provide some examples of our dynamic growing up.

I was 4 years older than my sister. I was a preemie with clueless parents who didn't realize that I had food allergies or something, and I kept having diarrhea after eating certain foods. As a result I was sickly, very thin and very weak. I was bullied at school, all of my parents friends made a fuss about how sickly and weak I looked. I had awful self esteem and had social anxiety since I was very little. My little sister, however, was so different. She was a healthy beautiful baby and the apple of everyone's eye. Strangers would stop and tell us how cute she was. I was jealoous. I also got annoyed because my mother had this habit of dressing us in the same cute outfits. I did NOT want to look like my sister, I wanted my own clothes and shoes and it irritated me that she got each of what I got.

So, I was not very nice. She would want to hang out with me and my friends all the time. 80% of the time, we all played together and we truly had the best time.The rest of the time, I'd tell her to go find her own friends and leave me and my friends alone so we can do our own thing. I did not share my barbie dolls with her and did not go out of my way to help make her doll house pretty.When we played "Disney Princess," I'd play the princess and she'd be the prince or the villain.

When we got older, we all still hung out together from elementary school to high school. At one point she went through a "goody goody" phase and would go tell our mother about me so sometimes me and my friends would call her "grandma" and tattle tale. During this period, when we went to grocery stores, I'd point to diapers and tease her about if she wanted some because she was a baby. I'm not proud of doing that but it was mostly stupid stuff like that. I also was mean to her sometimes about sharing. I'd split up cartoons by saying she should only watch x cartoon series and I can watch y cartoon series. For some reason, I did not like sharing.

She has recently told me that she hates me and that I have always mistreated her. I feel awful that she feels that way and regret anything I have done to have caused her harm. At my core I still feel like our dynamic was normal sibling rivalry. I did not hate her andloved playing with her. I'm surprised she harbors so much resentment.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like normal sibling shit to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like normal sibling shit to me.

+1

[Anonymous]

I bet you said a lot more hurtful things than you realize, a lot more often than you realize.

It's good that you feel badly. I think we have no way of knowing what really happened. But my advice would be to give her the space she needs, and at some point this summer write her a letter (not an email) saying something like "Dear Stacey, I thought what happened between us was normal sibling rivalry, and feel awful that you view it differently. I am so sorry that I hurt you so deeply when we were kids. I really want to have a good relationship with you as adults. Please let me know what I can do to going forward. Love, Lacey"

[Anonymous]

It's hard to say whether she's dramatic or you're obtuse. But I like PP's suggestion.

[Anonymous]

I think sometimes younger siblings can be really unforgiving of mistakes and immaturity. They are used to everyone being more experienced and knowledgeable and sometimes they become intolerant of their siblings/parents acting like flawed humans. Most get over that, but it can take some time of intense friction. I dealt with something similar with my youngest sibling. We were children too, not just him, and we did stupid, self-centered, idiotic, hurtful crap.

I also think those of us who are older can be self-centered without meaning to be. The younger ones are always aware of us, and we are sometimes unaware of them. But they probably are inconsiderate and unaware of someone else, there's probably someone else, another sibling, a parent, a friend who they take for granted. I think it's part of growing up to become more aware of yourself as just one of many people and to really realize that people aren't just side characters in your show.

Anyway, I think the thing to do is to emphasize that you are sorry for anything hurtful, acknowledge your mistakes, but emphasize that it was never your intention to be hurtful and cruel to her. That it was more about you dealing with your own insecurities, and that unfortunately you took it out on her. And that you are sorry, and you are always there to talk to her about it to help build a better bond in the future.

Give her space. It may take her time, but be firm in your perspective. Don't take all the blame on yourself.

I think it's important to

[Anonymous]

Kids are often mean to each other growing up. Then we grow up and get over it. My sister was pretty mean; now she's a good friend. One of my best. She's the one that would come 1000 miles for me after a C section, stuff like that.

Normal people get over it, unless it's truly abuse. It doesn't sound like the case here.

[Anonymous]

Either you are not fully understanding your own actions and glossing over something more, or she's overly dramatic about what sounds like normal sibling squabbles.

Personally I would let it go. If she's so caught up in her world than nothing you say will change her mind. And on the flip side, if you did more than you are letting on, then you are in denial and clearly can't bridge the gap to her. I think you have to let the ball be in her court.

[Anonymous]

I'm a youngest sibling (or 4). Yes, there is normal, reasonable sibling shit. But most siblings grow up to be peers and outgrow the old habits. Sometimes it continues, and the older siblings don't realize it.

They can continue to be patronizing. Critical. Dismissive. Hurtful & belittling, and just all around jerks. I get along effortlessly with the oldest in our family. The ones in the middle have been tougher to redraw new lines as equals. One is fine - we get along for the most part. The other I am estranged from and want nothing to do with. Truthfully, I'm not sure they're entirely aware of how awful they have (and have continued to) treat me. But that doesn't make it better - the constant cluelessness is exhausting to deal with, while still very hurtful.

Old roles should die when we grow up - but sometimes they just don't.

[Anonymous]

Your sister is absolutely not cutting you out of her life because of some stupid shit you said about a Barbie when you guys were kids. You need to reevaluate how you treat her now. As an adult. You need to think about what it is in your dynamic that you have carried over from childhood. I'm sure that there were many things you said and did when you were children together that hurt her very deeply, but I am 100% confident that the real issue in her mind is a parts of your childhood dynamic that have carried over. The fact that she can come to you and tell you that she's incredibly hurt by your behavior and your immediate response is to try to invalidate her experience speaks volumes. It doesn't matter what your intentions were. It matters how she responded and how she felt. If you cared about her, you would be upset that she was hurt, even if it was unintentional on your part.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're not by any chance this poster (who has posted about their younger sister many, many times before): http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/552911.page

If so: Jeebus Christ it's been very obvious why your sister wants nothing to do with you, and it's clearly about stuff as adults, not the childhood squabbles

If not: Ignore the above, but listen to the other posters. It's quite likely you are glossing over (or perhaps unaware) of old habits from childhood, continued as adults, just maybe in different ways.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Without going as far back as Barbie time, how have you RECENTLY treated your sister? Are you overbearing, dismissive, condescending, critical, know-it-all? Even without meaning to?

I think a normal person would graciously forget childhood slights, but if your relationship has not matured in the past few years, then she does have a point.

[Anonymous]

I have an older sister, with whom I had a very difficult relationship growing up. She could act like my friend one minute, then turn around and be a horrible bitch to me.

In our twenties, it was more of the same. If I didn't go to visit her, she'd call me with some huge guilt trip about how I was neglecting her. If I did go to visit, she'd be nice for the first day or two and then something would set her off and she'd be mean again.

I got tired of the roller coaster, of never knowing what to expect, walking on eggshells all the time. I eventually cut her out, stopped talking to her for several years. Never really explained why, just stopped returning her calls.

We're near 40 now, and just starting to talk again. She's evened out as she matured, and I've grown more comfortable and confident in myself. She's still not my favorite person to hang out with, but I can put up with her at family events. It's progress.

My point is, you may be more hurtful NOW than you realize. This isn't about barbies. It's about you treating her the way you would treat any adult friend, not your kid sister. Until you can do that, she won't be able to change the dynamic either, and may just want out. Give her space until you both grow up a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet you said a lot more hurtful things than you realize, a lot more often than you realize.

It's good that you feel badly. I think we have no way of knowing what really happened. But my advice would be to give her the space she needs, and at some point this summer write her a letter (not an email) saying something like "Dear Stacey, I thought what happened between us was normal sibling rivalry, and feel awful that you view it differently. I am so sorry that I hurt you so deeply when we were kids. I really want to have a good relationship with you as adults. Please let me know what I can do to going forward. Love, Lacey"

I was thinking exactly the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids are often mean to each other growing up. Then we grow up and get over it. My sister was pretty mean; now she's a good friend. One of my best. She's the one that would come 1000 miles for me after a C section, stuff like that.

Normal people get over it, unless it's truly abuse. It doesn't sound like the case here.

We have a kid whose basically an only child because her DB is special and sweet - so no teasing, no rivalry - and it's been really hard to socialize DD.
We both regret not having more kids now just so there could be a sibling for her to have to negotiate with.
Let little sis grow up and realize a few things in life.