Andover or Exter or St. Pauls

[Anonymous]

OP here. I think the bitter PP has a point. And, I dont deny schools like SFS are amazing. They are great. Liek I said, we would never leave it unless we found something pretty darn extraordinary.

Im beginning to sense that the consensus is that while people seem to agree that Andover and Exeter are, in all likelihood, better and stronger academically than what we have here with better resources and faculty, there is this creeping anxiety that are teenagers wil transform into alcoholic, drug-addicted, sex junkies upon entering the stories eighteenth century halls of Phillips Academy. I get the fears but they seem overblown. Also, I like the point made by the devil's advocate, that maybe (and I say this with modesty) we are not necessarily the best judges of our own children with respect to their faults. I will be the first one to admit that there is no better cheerleader for my daughter's strong points than me. As for her weaknesses and flaws, there is also no bigger apologist than me. Perhaps, a professional (like the Andover faculty) may be better than us at catching warning signs.

[Anonymous]

Prep's author actually attended Groton School in Groton, MA. She was originally from the mid-West before going off to Groton.

[Anonymous]

Years after her stint at Groton she spent a year at St Albans as writer in residence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think the bitter PP has a point. And, I dont deny schools like SFS are amazing. They are great. Liek I said, we would never leave it unless we found something pretty darn extraordinary.

Im beginning to sense that the consensus is that while people seem to agree that Andover and Exeter are, in all likelihood, better and stronger academically than what we have here with better resources and faculty, there is this creeping anxiety that are teenagers wil transform into alcoholic, drug-addicted, sex junkies upon entering the stories eighteenth century halls of Phillips Academy. I get the fears but they seem overblown. Also, I like the point made by the devil's advocate, that maybe (and I say this with modesty) we are not necessarily the best judges of our own children with respect to their faults. I will be the first one to admit that there is no better cheerleader for my daughter's strong points than me. As for her weaknesses and flaws, there is also no bigger apologist than me. Perhaps, a professional (like the Andover faculty) may be better than us at catching warning signs.

Interesting viewpoint. You're saying you trust the judgment of a "professional" dorm minder who has never met your daughter more than you trust your own judgment, having known her for 14-15 years? Funny, but you somehow don't really sound like a parent - you sound more like someone posing as one.

[Anonymous]

In addition to the drinking, drugs, and sex, there can be, and often is, serious hazing and harassment. Groton's Board only a few years ago pleaded guilty of failing to report to Massachusetts authorities allegations of male-on-male sexual-related hazing. St. Paul's also had a very large scandal a few years ago, including charges of sex abuse of students by teachers.

Hazing was a part of the historic culture of many of these schools, going back to their founding. For example, Endicott Peabody (Groton's famous founder) believed in "corrective deprivation," to counteract what he saw as Gilded Age WASP parents overindulging their privileged children, which he believed led to a "lack of fibre." Boys were forced to take cold showers, lived in spartan quarters, and hazing by the older boys was expected as part of the "correction" process. Groton's model was very influential, and the foundation upon which many of the elite New England boarding schools "blossomed." Some of them have had a hard time shaking it.

[Anonymous]

I am pretty pro-boarding school but this strikes me as Pollyannaish:

>>Perhaps, a professional (like the Andover faculty) may be better than us at catching warning signs. <<

Perhaps, if you are unusually unobservant or rarely around, or have 20 other children.

[Anonymous]

I graduated from Groton 35 years ago. Another brother graduated 10 years later. We never experienced the sexual escapades you describe nor heard about such activities while we were there. The spartan life is true. In those days, students were housed in cubicles, wore coats and ties daily--a white shirt for sit down dinners. All meals were required and sit down with faculty and their families. Each day began with Chapel services (Episcopal) and ended in the evening shaking the Headmaster and wife's hand before turning in.

St Alban's is the closest but distant "copy cat" in the D.C. area.

[Anonymous]

OP here. With due respect, I dont think its that Pollyannish to admit the mere possibility that parents are sometimes blinded by love for their children and go into denial, missing warning signs that others are catching. Im not saying that Im one of them, or this is always the case, but only suggesting the mere possibility that maybe someone who has had a few decades more experience working and living with teenagers may have some insights that I do not. I was not, by any means, saying that these house counselors would be better parents or know my children better--only that they may have some valuable input in guiding these kids through some pretty tough and complex years. There are other professionals--like tutors, therapists, physicians, counselors, academic advisors, pastors--that we would undoubtedly also rely on if our daughter stayed at SFS, so I am a little amiss as to why my suggestion that house counselors at boarding schools may also have some value is such a controversial point. I think some may mhave mistaken my comment to possibly mean that Andover house counselors would be better parents to my children than me and my husband. Of course not. But, on the other hand, I thought their experience and objectivity could be valuable as well.

[Anonymous]

This has been an interesting thread to read. I went to Exeter and loved it. My younger brother and sister also went to boarding schools (not Exeter) and similarly loved it. Here are some thoughts for OP and others who are thinking about Exeter/Andover/St Pauls:

- They are def. geared towards very high performing, academically brilliant kids. For a lot of kids, their first class at Exeter was the first time they weren't the smartest one in the room, and that was an amazing gift. The academic curriculum and opportunities that come with the facilities, teachers, and smart/driven student body are substantial.
- There is more room to be dorky at boarding school. It is a little like college that way - there are enough of you that everyone finds a niche. This is a great thing for smart kids who find themselves social outcasts at their home school
- The drugs and alcohol thing: Having run in that crowd myself a bit while at school, I can vouch for the fact that it is a pretty small minority of the students who do it. Most kids walk the straight and narrow - that's how they got into a top school in the first place. They are ultra strict and the consequences for drug abuse so severe (1 strike and you're out) that it scares most kids away. That being said, the minority that decides to party does party (pot & alcohol, mostly, at Exeter anyway, at least when I was there).
- I also think being at boarding school makes it harder to do drugs, not easier. This might be controversial to say, given all the parents on this forum who seem to think they'll know RIGHT AWAY if their kid is on anything, but let's admit that there are more opportunities for kids who live in their parents house, in a major city, drive their own cars, and often spend nights at friends, to pick up a little something than there are for boarding school kids who have to check into a dorm every night at 8pm, have no car, and live at least an hour from a major city.
- Thinking ahead to my own children's education, one thing I worry about with keeping them here is the driving. At boarding school, no one drives. Everyone walks. Everyone checks into their dorm. Drunk driving just isn't on the radar screen as a worry. That isn't true here, where kids go to parties on Saturday nights that they drive to. If they aren't driving drunk, someone else is. And that scares the crap out of me.
- Yes, it is hard to let your kid go. But that seems like a dumb reason not to give your kid an amazing opportunity. - More importantly, I think, is that boarding school isn't right for everyone. You need to have an independent, strong child who can handle a fast-paced environment earlier than most. (I agree with the posters who said that college was breezy after boarding school). It is a high pressure and stressful environment that some kids thrive in and leaves some feeling lost and overwhelmed. Know which kind of kid you have.
- On college admissions: its a double edged sword. I went to my Ivy with nearly 30 classmates. More than 1/3 of my class went to the Ivys. (And no, we weren't all legacies). But that means that 2/3 of the class didn't. How many of those kids would have been Yale-bound had they stayed at home and been the star kid from Iowa? Of course, the equation is different when you're talking SFS or NCS - they have the same quota system for those schools as for the boarding schools. So I don't think it is a negative there.

Anyway, just some additional thoughts. Choosing between SFS, Andover and Exeter, it is hard to go wrong.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think the PP made some excellent points. To me, you sound like a thoughtful and loving parent who's trying to do right by her child. Good for you. If I have anything to add, it would be to let you daughter own this process -- let her take the lead in deciding if this is the right thing for her once you have satisfied yourself as a parent that it meets your standards. I'm sure you will make the right choice. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I have had the priveledge of watching closely my cousins family in Europe. At the age of 16 she got accepted to a good program in another town and left home. This was not a boarding school so she lived on her own. Yes, her family helped her find a room to rent and she lived on her very own.
To drive you have to be 18, but public transport is so good, that she got by and went to places on her own.

The earlier post about college kids not able to wake up on their own to attend classes made me laugh.

Are American kids really so coddled?

Different cultures do it differently

[Anonymous]

My siblings all went to Exeter. Two felt pushed to go there, and in a sense pushed out of our home. They came from a much less savvy background, and were big nerds. As a result, they experienced considerable alienation, and in one case mental illness. I do not claim at all that Exeter "did this" to them, but my concern is that things that begin to reveal themselves in the late adolescent years may not be picked up on as fast at a boarding school. I teach college, and many, many of my students are dealing with newly discovered psychological problems/stresses. I am feeling active parenting needs to last longer than many of us have assumed, and that going to boarding school may take them out of our purview early.
Having said that, I am floored by the quality of education at Exeter and Andover. Kids have more time to do all the work because they don't commute. My other brother who went there said he didn't remember working that hard ... and did great. If your child is not top, academically, it can be more stressful.

[Anonymous]

I went to Andover. One thing I have to say that was nice is that if you are a huge geek/nerd (like me) you did not have to feel like a social outcast like some other places. I liked studying, loved reading books, huge history buff. These things were not cool at Whitman and your peers at Whitman definitely made you feel that way. At Andover, which has problems to be sure, you felt normal and, actually, kind of cool for being good at school. The school's superstars were not the richest kids or who had the most politically connected family or the best dressed, they were the ones who dominated in the classroom. Suddenly, I was no longer a social outcast for neing nerdy. Im not sure if this is necessarily the most positive thing about Andover, or somthing that will appeal to everyone, but it was for me. I gained self-confidence, self-worth and a place that embraced my academic side.

[Anonymous]

OP, my sister went to traditional English boarding school. I honestly believe that it messeed her up. She felt detached from the rest of the family and became culturally diferent from us. I am not referring to the England thing, since my family is British. She just never fit in again.

[Anonymous]

OP here. For those who went to prep school, I was wondering what you guys thought of the response I head from the AD regarding misbehavior at boarding schools. They claim that in contrast with public schools, students are much more regulated than kids who live at home. They are forced to check-in by a certain time each evening; do not have cars and cannot drive all over an urban city; are not permitted to leave campus except with permission; after 8 pm have to be in their dorms or the library or another academic facility; and are required to check in with faculty every evening. They have to also submit to frequent and regular room inspections and get permission to have anyone of the opposite sex enter their room. They are not allowed to sleep in any room other than their own. Also, in contrast with kids at home who usually know when their parents will be home and not, or working or not, house counselors are always on duty every night and every weekend. The dorms are also patrolled by school security officers as well.

In contrast, high school kids in public school can drive all over the place; leave campus and home at will throughout the day and weekend; and roam freely until an agreed on time with parents. Also, the AD pointed out that in contrast with DC, Andover, Exeter and St Paul are all locate din extremely isolated rural areas and students are not exposed to the plethora of temptations available in a city. Furthermore, she said that finding narcotics or people willing to sell alcohol to minors in these small rural villages (i.e., Andover, Mass., Exeter, NH and Concord, NH) are not as easy as some may imagine and, certainly, harder than Washington DC.

Thoughts?