Has Anyone Else Decided To Have Just One Child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IMO, only children tend to be more self absorbed later in life. I have multiple close friends who I love, but who we all describe as "such only children" and the meaning is instantly understood. The only time I've seen only children avoid this is when there is a specific source of hardship in childhood so that they learn it isn't all about them (eg, a parent has an illness).
Having said this, I don't love the idea of having a second child, but the above keeps me motivated to do so.

Your opinion is stupid. It's cute that you ascribe your own personal experiences to the general public. Like you, apparently, I have multiple only child close friends, and none of them are self-absorbed. The most self-absorbed people I know have siblings, in some cases, more than one. I guess -- by your logic that one person's anecdotal evidence = truth -- that means that those of us with siblings (including me) are way more self-absorbed than only children.

Hands-down, the most self-absorbed adults I know were younger siblings (although I know many youngest children who are not that way). I don't know the sibling status of everyone, but the onlies I know as adults tend to be anything but self-absorbed--they have close friendship networks and are supportive and caring friends, are self-reliant and responsible, and don't think the world revolves around them.

I suspect the PP has a lot of confirmation bias going on. Only children are basically like other children. Period.

I think oldest tend to be the most conceited and self absorbed. The are used to being in charge and having the family rotate around them.

[Anonymous]

The worst thing about being an only child (I am one) is awareness of the stereotype. I can't remember when I became aware of it - probably teen years. I was already insecure about everything that a teenage girl typically is, but then I found myself wondering if being an only child made me "bratty, spoiled, etc." I mentioned it to my grandma and I still remember her response. She told me that I'm not really that unique and that there are actually lots of only children. Grandma had 4 daughters and a son. She said that a psychologist would label her boy was an only child. Based on grandma's theory, a family with one boy and one girl was a family with 2 only children. All of this was to reassure me that the stereotype was crap.

I know that this story is not exactly on point with OP's question or issue, I was just reminded of it while reading this thread and I wanted to share.

[Anonymous]

This is quite interesting. I am an only child, and didn't like it growing up (I was very lonely). But as an adult I really dislike being an only child. My parents live on the Wes tCoast and I only see them once a year. My in-laws live in the midwest and we only see them once a year (but are not close with them). I feel very alone in life. We have no family in the area and have no one to spend holidays with. Being an only child with no family around is super lonely.

We have a child who is only 6 months old but I am already planning to get pregnant with #2 soon. I would feel so sad for her if she grew up to be an only child since we have no family in the area and I did not like being an only child.

Most of my friends have only 1 child by choice. My own parents are quite disapproving of us having more than 1! They don't understand why anyone would want more than 1. They don't understand how lonely I was as a child and lonely I still am.

Personally I never considered myself to be in a "real family" growing up because I was an only child--part of that was that we really didn't have any family traditions and I felt so isolated from my large, extended family (grandparents, cousins, etc.) who lived thousands of miles away. I would have had a much different experience if I had grown up near extended family.

[Anonymous]

We have one and it's pretty clear that we're done. (I'm too old to have another one biologically and we've never talked about wanting another one via adoption, etc.) I never get these kinds of remarks from anyone. Granted, both my and DH's mothers are dead, so maybe we would have heard something from them, but I doubt it.

I just can't imagine people close to me making shitty comments like that. I'm sorry, OP. Rock on with your singleton!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is quite interesting. I am an only child, and didn't like it growing up (I was very lonely). But as an adult I really dislike being an only child. My parents live on the Wes tCoast and I only see them once a year. My in-laws live in the midwest and we only see them once a year (but are not close with them). I feel very alone in life. We have no family in the area and have no one to spend holidays with. Being an only child with no family around is super lonely.

We have a child who is only 6 months old but I am already planning to get pregnant with #2 soon. I would feel so sad for her if she grew up to be an only child since we have no family in the area and I did not like being an only child.

Most of my friends have only 1 child by choice. My own parents are quite disapproving of us having more than 1! They don't understand why anyone would want more than 1. They don't understand how lonely I was as a child and lonely I still am.

Personally I never considered myself to be in a "real family" growing up because I was an only child--part of that was that we really didn't have any family traditions and I felt so isolated from my large, extended family (grandparents, cousins, etc.) who lived thousands of miles away. I would have had a much different experience if I had grown up near extended family.

That's so sad. If I might ask: do you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert?

I have one and can't have anymore. My biggest fear is that my son will be lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is quite interesting. I am an only child, and didn't like it growing up (I was very lonely). But as an adult I really dislike being an only child. My parents live on the Wes tCoast and I only see them once a year. My in-laws live in the midwest and we only see them once a year (but are not close with them). I feel very alone in life. We have no family in the area and have no one to spend holidays with. Being an only child with no family around is super lonely.

We have a child who is only 6 months old but I am already planning to get pregnant with #2 soon. I would feel so sad for her if she grew up to be an only child since we have no family in the area and I did not like being an only child.

Most of my friends have only 1 child by choice. My own parents are quite disapproving of us having more than 1! They don't understand why anyone would want more than 1. They don't understand how lonely I was as a child and lonely I still am.

Personally I never considered myself to be in a "real family" growing up because I was an only child--part of that was that we really didn't have any family traditions and I felt so isolated from my large, extended family (grandparents, cousins, etc.) who lived thousands of miles away. I would have had a much different experience if I had grown up near extended family.

That's so sad. If I might ask: do you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert?

I have one and can't have anymore. My biggest fear is that my son will be lonely.

I'm the PP who wrote this. I was lonely as an only child mainly because a) we had no family nearby, all of them lived thousands of miles away so we never spent any holidays with family. My parents didn't want to celebrate the holidays traditionally because "it was just the 3 of us" so for Thanksgiving we would go out for dinner, no homemade Thanksgiving dinner and this always bothered me, even as a child; b) we had basically no family traditions and I was upset by this even as a child; c) my parents wouldn't let me have a pet, which would have helped so much with the loneliness, and d) I was never allowed to bring friends on vacations, so I grew to dislike traveling with my parents because we only did boring things for a child like art museums.

I was lonely as a child but am much, much lonlier as an adult--in an extistential sense of being all alone in the world. This is exacerbated by the fact that my parents chose to move to California for their retirement, even though it meant we would only see them once a year. My husband and I have no one to spend holidays with, no one to help out with big things like moving, etc.

I always felt self conscious as a child about our small family. It made me feel different in a negative way, and I still feel this way as an adult.

I envy people who have large, extended families who get together once a year for a family reunion on the beach. I have 17 first cousins and tons of aunts/uncles but none of them are interested in a relationship, and they all live thousands of miles away.

As a result, I am now preoccupied with the idea of a large family and making sure my child does not feel the same way I felt. I plan to give her a sibling, perhaps have 2 more kids, and emphasize family traditions even though we really won't be seeing extended family very often.

I consider myself an introvert and am a very lonely person. I think people can tell this about me even if they don't know me very well.

[Anonymous]

Being an only child is fine as long as your parents don't get divorced--that's especially hard for an only & it feels like you no longer have a family (until you build one of your own).

[Anonymous]

I am an only child and was born in a country and a generation (former USSR in 1970s) where being an only child was the norm, rather than the exception. As a result, a lot of my Russian friends are also onlys and I haven't noticed them being any more selfish than anyone with multiple siblings.

We chose to have two children, but only because I thought it would be fun, not out of some fear of deprivation - I feel particularly deprived as a child - unlike the poster above, being an only bothered me not at all. I am, however, a complete and utter extravert so that may have made a difference. OP, your child may feel lonely or he/she may not - it really depends on the child's personality rather than anything else. Plenty of people have siblings and do not get along with them whatsoever (see family forum for multiple examples). So rock on with your only-child-having self and ignore the comments people make in RL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an only child and was born in a country and a generation (former USSR in 1970s) where being an only child was the norm, rather than the exception. As a result, a lot of my Russian friends are also onlys and I haven't noticed them being any more selfish than anyone with multiple siblings.

We chose to have two children, but only because I thought it would be fun, not out of some fear of deprivation - I feel particularly deprived as a child - unlike the poster above, being an only bothered me not at all. I am, however, a complete and utter extravert so that may have made a difference. OP, your child may feel lonely or he/she may not - it really depends on the child's personality rather than anything else. Plenty of people have siblings and do not get along with them whatsoever (see family forum for multiple examples). So rock on with your only-child-having self and ignore the comments people make in RL.

This was supposed to be "do not feel particularly deprived"

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,
Polar opposite of you (mom of 4) just chiming in here to say that I'm sorry that people are in your business and/or are judgmental. I feel some solidarity with you in that I get all kinds of bizarre, nosy comments, too. "Are you done with 4?" or, "Were they all planned?" etc. from random strangers. Good to know people would be up in my business no matter what my family planning choices had been! I'm happy for you that you have the family you want. Cheers!

[Anonymous]

Another only-with-an-only here, PP, and we also get some of those nosy comments. I try to take the gracious route, since they're usually couched in something like "oh, DD is a great kid -- you should have more!" The intentions behind the inquiries are usually good.

Like others, our family enjoys financial stability, great health, sustained one-on-one time between each parent and DD, opportunities to travel easily, smaller spaces (mid-size home, non-van car, etc.) and lots of fun. DD is extremely social (more than either of her parents, actually), empathetic, and decent at sharing.

[Anonymous]

I have found that often the person asking the question isn't prepared for the answer. Seems like people ask, expecting a certain answer, and when they don't get it they don't know what to say.

One example: Before I had kids, people would ask me "do you have kids?" When I said no, it seemed as though the conversation stopped. The person asking expected me, a 30-something married woman, to say yes and join in a discussion about kids. The asker was often caught off guard by my simple answer of "no we don't." (of course, there are different levels of acquaintanceship...sometimes I'd get "when are you going to have a child?" etc etc). There was often an awkward pause, which I had to scramble to fill. Often I'd just maintain eye contact letting them fumble for what to say next because I really think that if you ask a question you should be prepared for the common answers (like "yes" or "no.").

Now, we have a 2yo son who will probably be an only child. We would like to have another, but don't want to go through the fertility treatments and procedures again so if it doesn't happen naturally that is ok. We are very happy with our one. So I've found that when people ask if/when we're having another, again they don't know what to say when I say "probably not." Oh well, they can deal with feeling weird about me having just one child. I'm fine with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'm the PP who wrote this. I was lonely as an only child mainly because a) we had no family nearby, all of them lived thousands of miles away so we never spent any holidays with family. My parents didn't want to celebrate the holidays traditionally because "it was just the 3 of us" so for Thanksgiving we would go out for dinner, no homemade Thanksgiving dinner and this always bothered me, even as a child; b) we had basically no family traditions and I was upset by this even as a child; c) my parents wouldn't let me have a pet, which would have helped so much with the loneliness, and d) I was never allowed to bring friends on vacations, so I grew to dislike traveling with my parents because we only did boring things for a child like art museums.

I was lonely as a child but am much, much lonlier as an adult--in an extistential sense of being all alone in the world. This is exacerbated by the fact that my parents chose to move to California for their retirement, even though it meant we would only see them once a year. My husband and I have no one to spend holidays with, no one to help out with big things like moving, etc.

I always felt self conscious as a child about our small family. It made me feel different in a negative way, and I still feel this way as an adult.

I envy people who have large, extended families who get together once a year for a family reunion on the beach. I have 17 first cousins and tons of aunts/uncles but none of them are interested in a relationship, and they all live thousands of miles away.

As a result, I am now preoccupied with the idea of a large family and making sure my child does not feel the same way I felt. I plan to give her a sibling, perhaps have 2 more kids, and emphasize family traditions even though we really won't be seeing extended family very often.

I consider myself an introvert and am a very lonely person. I think people can tell this about me even if they don't know me very well.

This is what stood out to me as wrong -- sounds like your parents really made decisions that kept you isolated. I'm sorry, PP. I have an only child entirely by choice, but establishing and maintaining family traditions (such as holiday stuff) is something that DH and I make a big point of doing. We also make efforts to spend vacations with extended family so that our kid sees all the cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. (even though I personally could do with a little less of that).

[Anonymous]

Most people judge you if you have only 1, and they judge you if you have more than 2. Hell, there are plenty of DINKs who will judge you for having kids at all (and daring to take them anywhere in public an DINK might possibly be, but that's another thread).

Seriously, the only cure is to just stop giving a shit about what other people think about your personal and family decisions!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is quite interesting. I am an only child, and didn't like it growing up (I was very lonely). But as an adult I really dislike being an only child. My parents live on the Wes tCoast and I only see them once a year. My in-laws live in the midwest and we only see them once a year (but are not close with them). I feel very alone in life. We have no family in the area and have no one to spend holidays with. Being an only child with no family around is super lonely.

We have a child who is only 6 months old but I am already planning to get pregnant with #2 soon. I would feel so sad for her if she grew up to be an only child since we have no family in the area and I did not like being an only child.

Most of my friends have only 1 child by choice. My own parents are quite disapproving of us having more than 1! They don't understand why anyone would want more than 1. They don't understand how lonely I was as a child and lonely I still am.

Personally I never considered myself to be in a "real family" growing up because I was an only child--part of that was that we really didn't have any family traditions and I felt so isolated from my large, extended family (grandparents, cousins, etc.) who lived thousands of miles away. I would have had a much different experience if I had grown up near extended family.

That's so sad. If I might ask: do you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert?

I have one and can't have anymore. My biggest fear is that my son will be lonely.

I'm the PP who wrote this. I was lonely as an only child mainly because a) we had no family nearby, all of them lived thousands of miles away so we never spent any holidays with family. My parents didn't want to celebrate the holidays traditionally because "it was just the 3 of us" so for Thanksgiving we would go out for dinner, no homemade Thanksgiving dinner and this always bothered me, even as a child; b) we had basically no family traditions and I was upset by this even as a child; c) my parents wouldn't let me have a pet, which would have helped so much with the loneliness, and d) I was never allowed to bring friends on vacations, so I grew to dislike traveling with my parents because we only did boring things for a child like art museums.

I was lonely as a child but am much, much lonlier as an adult--in an extistential sense of being all alone in the world. This is exacerbated by the fact that my parents chose to move to California for their retirement, even though it meant we would only see them once a year. My husband and I have no one to spend holidays with, no one to help out with big things like moving, etc.

I always felt self conscious as a child about our small family. It made me feel different in a negative way, and I still feel this way as an adult.

I envy people who have large, extended families who get together once a year for a family reunion on the beach. I have 17 first cousins and tons of aunts/uncles but none of them are interested in a relationship, and they all live thousands of miles away.

As a result, I am now preoccupied with the idea of a large family and making sure my child does not feel the same way I felt. I plan to give her a sibling, perhaps have 2 more kids, and emphasize family traditions even though we really won't be seeing extended family very often.

I consider myself an introvert and am a very lonely person. I think people can tell this about me even if they don't know me very well.

That is the exception, not the norm. Almost everyone I know who has a large family doesn't see 75% of their relatives. Nor do they care to, TBH. The larger the group, the larger the conflict. And most people these days are so busy, they really only want to focus their energy on their immediate families -- so the grandparent/parent/child. I really think you're romanticizing large families and creating a "lack" in your own life where there isn't one.

I think if you're feeling so lonely (and it sounds like you're a sensitive person in general), you should examine other aspects of your life. Honestly, perhaps your sense of feeling so alone is of your own doing -- you feel that you've been deprived of something that may or may not have happened (strong familial bond), even if you had a larger family.

I hope you feel better soon. You might consider finding a therapist or counselor and examining why you feel your life is lacking.