How do you feel when friend buys McMansion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I find people's LACK of interest in wealth disheartening. Life works in 3 parts:

1. Educate yourself.
2. Work hard and become as wealthy as possible. Of course some balance is needed.
3. If you did 1 and 2 well, part 3 of your life is the most satisfying. Donate your time, wisdom, and wealth to others. This is a good time to become a teacher or volunteer. Spend time with grandkids. If you failed in 1 and 2, then you will just sit at home and rely on family members or the government to give your life meaning.

Too many people try to live phase 3 of their lives too early. They live it up early and run out of gas and are unhappy when they are older.

You sound materialistic and unimaginative and sad. It's totally possible to be not just happy, but accomplished and content without being "as wealthy as possible."

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You sound materialistic and unimaginative and sad. It's totally possible to be not just happy, but accomplished and content without being "as wealthy as possible."

+1

I am setting a high bar. The greater the wealth, the easier it is for you to be "happy", "accomplished", and "content". Wealth is a key component along with having great family relationships and being healthy.

[Anonymous]

This has got to be the same OP as the rambling one about "are you jealous of other people showing off their wealth on facebook" or whatever that was

[Anonymous]

I'd be happy for them, kind of jealous, want to be invited over a lot, and continue our friendship exactly as before. I'd figure they were either good with saving and managing their money or else more willing to take financial risk than I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has got to be the same OP as the rambling one about "are you jealous of other people showing off their wealth on facebook" or whatever that was

BINGO!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


You sound materialistic and unimaginative and sad. It's totally possible to be not just happy, but accomplished and content without being "as wealthy as possible."

+1


I am setting a high bar. The greater the wealth, the easier it is for you to be "happy", "accomplished", and "content". Wealth is a key component along with having great family relationships and being healthy.

I would like to see some real research on this. Many studies on happiness suggest there is not such a great correlation.

[Anonymous]

I think the OP has way too much time on his/her hands. WHO THE FUCK CARES? What kind of person are you?

[Anonymous]

if you don't care, why read the message and post. there are thousands of threads here. i don't read the ones i don't care about.

this is the very first google hit about wealth and happiness: http://www.forbes.com/sites/susanadams/2013/05/10/money-does-buy-happiness-says-new-study/

[Anonymous]

Here was another hit that argues the opposite. I agree with this one too, but I think the wealth component is more important than this article suggests:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/05/15/redefining-success-americ_n_3279718.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
PP, if it works for you and makes you happy, fine then. What struck me, though, was that you define life success as wealth, with wealth as something of a proxy for professional achievement. I disagree on both counts, or at least find something deeply lacking on both counts. I wouldn't consider someone a life success unless they had a healthy ego, had loving, secure relationships with family and friends, were an asset to their community, performed all of their responsibilities well--both professional and personal-- and had found a place in life that brought out the best of their character and talents. Your definition of life success seemed relatively flat to me.

PP here. I thought maybe it was obvious, but I was more or less talking about professional success, or success at one's vocation, or the overall ability to provide for one's family in support of a desired life style. After all, we don't end up with the money to buy million dollar homes through any other means other than some manner of labor, investment, or commerce. I do agree that balance is important, such as healthy relationships with oneself, family, friends, and community. But I do not see these as being exclusive or not compatible with financial success. If I lose some friends by being successful, I don't see that this represents a failure in any context. We don't all cling onto our childhood friends simply because that's where we started from. We don't even remain the same person (holding on to our own ego) as the process of maturity changes who we are, what we value, and how we behave. My comments in this thread were focused on financial success as and its effects on friends because that's what the thread is about. No where did I say that financial success is the only measure of life success.

Anonymous wrote:Likewise, the only definition of professional success you note is determined by money. You basically excluded, by definition, all of the contributions and achievements people make that are not reflected in their pay. There doesn't seem to be room for people who provide social services, educate others, make discoveries in basic science, or simply put food on the table reliably for their family when that meager act takes a Herculean effort under their particular circumstances.

I truly believe that wealth is in general an excellent proxy for professional achievement. This is because we live in a society that largely rewards people based on the value of their professional contribution. Someone who makes more valuable contribution gets rewarded with more money. Of course you can site anecdotes of poor artists who are only recognized for the value of their work after they die, to which I would point out that such anecdotes are just that, anecdotes, and the world isn't fair and balanced to everyone. To address the specific examples you gave: the value of a service provided is related to the supply and demand. Social services and educators are in great demand but they are also of great supply. This is the same observation that while water is critical to human life, there isn't much value in a cup of water because there is so much of it readily available. As for someone who struggles to put food on the table due to their circumstances. Surely such a person is deserving of our respect for being self sufficient but I don't see why this qualifies as being successful at life unless he is doing better than others in the same circumstances - but then aren't we still using wealth as a proxy for achievement even in this case?

Anonymous wrote:The knowledge you say you seek in running your comparisons with others is about how to further fulfill your own narrow definitions of success (read: wealth). It's not about gaining any kind of greater wisdom about something larger than yourself or your own interests. What's especially disheartening is that you deliberately only associate with people who are like or more successful than you according to wealth, so you deprive yourself of opportunities to actually become truly wise.

Sorry, your premise that I have a narrow definition of success is wrong. Wealth is a proxy for success, and it's one of the few objective parameters that we can compare on an Internet forum to gauge the degree of success. But being a proxy for success doesn't mean it is the success itself - that's what proxy means. My wisdom and interests are probably only interesting to me as an individual. Telling the world that I have a love for basket weaving probably makes for boring conversation except for others that also enjoy basket weaving. As I learn from different people based on their success, I see that people become successful for different reasons. If anything it has broadened by horizons by exposing me to many more possibilities.

Anonymous wrote:
Sorry, PP, to sound so critical. I can tell there is much about you to admire. Don't sell life so short. It's far richer than you've described. (And maybe I have you all wrong. After all, a few paragraphs on a web post hardly capture us in all of our complexity, do they?) Cheers.

Well geez, I wasn't trying to describe my entire view of the world, life, and my own self worth in one anonymous internet post, even if it was a long-ish post. I don't think it's constructive to be a quick judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Good grief, who on earth spends that much time thinking about this crap. If someone has a nice new house, or a lot of money, I spend one second thinking, "good for them, man I wish I had a nice house too," and then instantly jump to, "I hope they'll invite me to enjoy the pool/patio etc. etc."

Successful people do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Good grief, who on earth spends that much time thinking about this crap. If someone has a nice new house, or a lot of money, I spend one second thinking, "good for them, man I wish I had a nice house too," and then instantly jump to, "I hope they'll invite me to enjoy the pool/patio etc. etc."

Successful people do.

Hmm... I don't think so. I don't think successful people in any sense of the word actually fixate on their friends' houses.

Successful people are focused on accomplishing their goals, whether it is making money or raising their children or writing their novel or whatever. Unsuccessful people fixate on stuff they don't have that may not even be part of their original goals, then they create DCUM threads about it, then they spend oodles of time writing insanely long posts no one wants to read about how important wealth is a la 17:28.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Hmm... I don't think so. I don't think successful people in any sense of the word actually fixate on their friends' houses.

Successful people are focused on accomplishing their goals, whether it is making money or raising their children or writing their novel or whatever. Unsuccessful people fixate on stuff they don't have that may not even be part of their original goals, then they create DCUM threads about it, then they spend oodles of time writing insanely long posts no one wants to read about how important wealth is a la 17:28.

Lol, original goals? You telling me your goals don't change? And after you accomplish one goal you don't set new goals?

And if no one reads that long post whick you find disagreeable, how did you know what it is about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:McMansions don't cost $2million.

They do in Arlington.

not really, people have moved on to McLean and other places near the orange and future silver line

http://www.redfin.com/VA/Arlington/5870-1st-St-N-22203/home/11241234

http://www.redfin.com/VA/Arlington/831-N-Woodrow-St-22203/home/11246771

http://www.redfin.com/VA/Arlington/2636-N-Sycamore-St-22207/home/11225363

http://www.redfin.com/VA/Arlington/3566-Military-Rd-22207/home/11229322

http://www.redfin.com/VA/Arlington/6201-36th-St-N-22213/home/11226427

Those are not McMansions. They are ordinary, if expensive homes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've gone through step-ups in life. I would say my wife and I went through our 30's having accomplished a LOT MORE than what the average successful NoVA professional have. We started out in a small apartment in Fredericksburg, and now live in a $2.5M home in McLean. We've moved on average every 2-3 years, and aside from our home own a few other properties, including our prior homes that we've held on to but now rent out.

We've lost a lot of people that we previously socialized with along the way. Some slowly fades while others stop much quicker. I would say that the same five stages of grief applies to jealousy:

1. Denial and Isolation - The person is overcome with emotional shock and disbelief that this is true, that someone they used to consider as financial equals are now revealed to be much more successful.
2. Anger - The person feels that this situation must be due to some injustice. The successful person must have cheated. How could the world be this unfair when similar people get dissimilar results.
3. Bargaining - Then the person believes "I can fix this!" What if I had invested when real estate was cheap. What if I went in when the stock market was low. What if I was able to take advantage of the precious metals volatility. The person may even jump on the internet to do some research, googling the phrase "how to be successful in life" or begin reading some motivational books.
4. Depression - As the reality of the situation settles in, the person realizes that there isn't some easy answer. The difference can only be equalized through hard work over time or access to scarce resources. The person has a sense of hopelessness that the past X years has been a waste while others were accelerating their careers and investments.
5. Acceptance - The person now simply accepts that their friend has done much better and moves on with their life. As with grief, not everyone reaches this stage of accepting their new reality. And even those that do reach this stage will have different end results. Some accept the situation and distance themselves from it, others embrace it as if nothing has happened.

For my particular case, I have mentally noted when I've met new people that had preconceived notions of their success and then were shattered when I learned more about them. I do go through the above stages, but very quickly, perhaps within a matter of seconds. Goes something like this:

1. What? you own 150 acres that just got an offer of 50 million from a developer? Is this guy pulling my leg? He doesn't appear that successful - he's wearing what looks like a Men's Warehouse suit! This disbelief evaporates when I ask some follow-up questions to confirm that this guy isn't just making up some grand story.
2. I think to my self "this guy must of got this in an inheritance" or something like that. Dumb luck, that must be it. This lasts less than 10 seconds as I remind myself not to be stupid. I then ask "that's amazing, how did you have such foresight?"
3. Bargaining - I bypass this. If there are any momentary thoughts of "if only I could have done that!", it's followed by a similarly silly thought of "if only I could time travel" to remind myself to stay rational.
4. Depression - This is the most difficult to get over, especially if the other person's success is due to hard work. I'd like to consider that I work pretty hard myself, but here is this guy who has worked even harder. How could I have been so lazy?!?! I'm a failure! Then I quickly remind myself that I am actually doing fairly well. This feeling comes back every now and again, but I quickly dismiss it.
5. Acceptance - I know this is the stage I want to get to and get to quickly, hopefully within the same span of conversation and within a minute of learning the initial shocking news. Once I get to this stage, I try to get as much information as possible so that I can learn from this person's success. Learning from people like these has been very helpful to my own success.

+1000 We are going through this now!