How to deal with habitual complainers

[Anonymous]

MY mom is a complainer and it drives me crazy, bc while she has some health and money issues, she also has a really nice life with good kids, great husband and nice friends.

I started telling her that every time she talks to me, she has to say one positive thing. If she starts with a complaint, I wont continue the conversation. It worked for a while. I also told her that no one wants to hear someone complain all the time and her kids arent going to talk to her as much if she doesnt stop. She is definitely getting better.

DD is 4 and starting to be a complainer. I REALLY want to nip this isn the bud early. We started talking about finding solutions instead of complaining, i.e. dont say "I am thirsty", say "can I have a drink please?" Slowly, she is getting it, but I am going to do my damndest to make sure she is not a complainer.

[Anonymous]

The mom of one of my DD's good friends is a complainer. For a long time I tried to solve all the problems she vented about, but to no avail. Then I tried ignoring her complaints, but she just kvetched on. Finally, out of sheer frustration I hit on a solution: when she starts to complain, I look her in the eye and say in a friendly tone, "Well, what should we do about that?" She has stopped complaining to me . . . though I bet she complains about me to others.

[Anonymous]

I used to be like this cause, I've seen a lot of criticisms around me, and what i did was to avoid any troubles with my comrades and co-employees, is to keep my mouth shut and be silent about it, unless someone pinpointing on me with the same opinion as i was to him.

[Anonymous]

DCUM would get so much less traffic.

[Anonymous]

I would rather not take myself too seriously, but tell funny stories about my misadventures; than complain ABOUT others like so many do!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The above advice about the hospice can't be beat. I think these people don't realize how much negativity they're spewing and how it affects people. It can affect friendships. I made a friend at work I thought was just going through a rough time at that point. She is wonderful in a lot of ways but she is such a complainer and I had to distance myself. Complained about service, how hot her coffee was or wasn't, and big things. She spent 6 years TTC and now she's pregnant. She complains very frequently about every little thing.

One of my colleagues was like this poster's complainer. One of my friends at work finally said "I don't ever want to hear you complain about your miracle baby again". And she hasn't

I get frustration with complainers, but if this complainer is a new mom, that kind of response can help contribute to PPD. Way to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a complainer and have been labeled as such since Jr. High so its lifelong. It's very difficult for habitual complainers to recognized they are in fact complaining and to see its effect on others.

I was only able to really get how annoying it can be when I dated someone who was actually more of a complainer than me. It was that experience that helped me stop and think about how much I complained, under what circumstances, when/why, etc and I have since scaled it way back. Before when people told me I complained too much, I truly couldn't see it or understand what they meant. I still complain but I am able to catch myself much more often.

You didn't feel comraderie with the complainer you dated?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH says I'm a chronic complainer. I'm not depressed. I complain out of insecurity, and because I'm a perfectionist. Lots of little things bother me that don't even register on my DH. Our "solution" is that I spread my complaining around. One result is that DH and I talk much less. Interesting.

Have you tried therapy to deal with the perfectionism, and have you tried to address the causes of your insecurity directly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was so sick of hearing a colleague complain that I just kinda lit in to him one day. We worked in a Network Operations Center monitoring networks and devices so we didn't have cubes, we had workstations, several in one room. Everyone always heard everything he said. He came in to work one day and I said something along the lines of "Good Morning." His response was "What's so fuckin' good about it?!" After listening to him for months, I basically told him to shut the fuck up and if he didn't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all because, honestly, the shitstorm he rained on everyone was getting pretty old.

Like 5 people looked at me and smiled. He definitely mellowed out after that.

Granted the "what's so fuckin' good about it" sounds like an odd comment, but I can't think of any universe in which your response isn't a very mean thing to say. The fact that you had tacit approval from colleagues to marginalize this other, unpopular colleague, hardly makes it right.

Bullied children are often marginalized because something they're doing really does bother the children around them. It has always seemed to me to grow out of some kind of instinct to cull the herd, and children with poor social skills are targeted. If you listen to a tween explain why he/she tried to exclude or insult a classmate, the justifications sound a lot like this thread. There's usually something annoying about the victim, and the bully will point to that and say, "See! Why do we have to include/ put up with that?" The answer for them, of course, is that people have their quirks, and some are better at social interaction than others, but you have to remember that people's feelings need to be treated with basic respect simply because they're people. Saying that he disrespected you first because he annoyed you is really weak.

I expect his "mellowing" afterward meant he was hurt. Compare that with the "injury" he inflicted on you.

So instead of bullying the annoying child, what should the other children do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to be like this cause, I've seen a lot of criticisms around me, and what i did was to avoid any troubles with my comrades and co-employees, is to keep my mouth shut and be silent about it, unless someone pinpointing on me with the same opinion as i was to him.

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