How to deal with habitual complainers

[Anonymous]

I have to say that you never really know what's going on in a person's life. You may think there aren't any "real" problems in these complainers' lives, but you wouldn't know that with any honest confidence because there are so many issues one just can't talk about without severe social censure. Health talk has to be limited, domestic abuse is verboten, scary mental illness of spouse is exhausting but can't be discussed, financial clouds make listeners uncomfortable, etc. These Debbie Downers know that if they tell you what's really wrong, you'll fire off a perfunctory "get help" (as if were ever really so simple!) and avoid them ever afterward.

So small issues being complained about may not be the problem at all, but one is expected to have SOMETHING to say for oneself when out in public. How can people who have to survive in semi-constant crisis situations make *pleasant* small talk? A certain negativity is very hard to avoid.

I don't like the hospice recommendation at all, because although volunteering is a worthy thing in itself, the suggestion that you have reviewed the situation and hereby decree that the complainer should just shut up is insensitive when you can't possibly be in a position to know all the relevant facts.

[Anonymous]

Yes, some people have real problems. It doesn't make it less weary for acquaintances, friends, and family to hear a string of petty complaints.

I agree that it's probably difficult to get out of the mindset if you feel you "have to survive in semi-constant crisis situations." However, I disgree that it can't be done, especially since it sounds like the person complaining needs that mental relief the most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to say that you never really know what's going on in a person's life. You may think there aren't any "real" problems in these complainers' lives, but you wouldn't know that with any honest confidence because there are so many issues one just can't talk about without severe social censure. Health talk has to be limited, domestic abuse is verboten, scary mental illness of spouse is exhausting but can't be discussed, financial clouds make listeners uncomfortable, etc. These Debbie Downers know that if they tell you what's really wrong, you'll fire off a perfunctory "get help" (as if were ever really so simple!) and avoid them ever afterward.

So small issues being complained about may not be the problem at all, but one is expected to have SOMETHING to say for oneself when out in public. How can people who have to survive in semi-constant crisis situations make *pleasant* small talk? A certain negativity is very hard to avoid.

I don't like the hospice recommendation at all, because although volunteering is a worthy thing in itself, the suggestion that you have reviewed the situation and hereby decree that the complainer should just shut up is insensitive when you can't possibly be in a position to know all the relevant facts.

Are you seriously saying that people living in semi-constant crisis situations should be exempt from the societal expectation that while at work, a person should be able to make small talk or not talk at all? Helloooo, professionalism?

[Anonymous]

I listen to one or two grouses and then I say "I'm sorry, but I need to talk to you about work." or "I'm sorry, but I have to get back to work." I'll be polite and let someone get one or two complaints in, but that's about it. If they have more than that, they'll have to find someone else to complain to and "share the wealth," so to speak.

[Anonymous]

Try stating what you observe, without judgment: "Wow, that's the third complaint you've shared this morning." Or, "You seem to be complaining about [x] a lot this week." Or, "Yes, I remember when you complained about [y] yesterday, too."

It's possible that hearing it reflected back at her may trigger her to stop. If not, I think it's appropriate to tell her clearly that you're not going to listen to complaining any more. Something like, "I find it hard to listen when you complain. From now on, when I hear you do it, I'm going to ask you to stop." Then do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to say that you never really know what's going on in a person's life. You may think there aren't any "real" problems in these complainers' lives, but you wouldn't know that with any honest confidence because there are so many issues one just can't talk about without severe social censure. Health talk has to be limited, domestic abuse is verboten, scary mental illness of spouse is exhausting but can't be discussed, financial clouds make listeners uncomfortable, etc. These Debbie Downers know that if they tell you what's really wrong, you'll fire off a perfunctory "get help" (as if were ever really so simple!) and avoid them ever afterward.

So small issues being complained about may not be the problem at all, but one is expected to have SOMETHING to say for oneself when out in public. How can people who have to survive in semi-constant crisis situations make *pleasant* small talk? A certain negativity is very hard to avoid.

I don't like the hospice recommendation at all, because although volunteering is a worthy thing in itself, the suggestion that you have reviewed the situation and hereby decree that the complainer should just shut up is insensitive when you can't possibly be in a position to know all the relevant facts.

Are you seriously saying that people living in semi-constant crisis situations should be exempt from the societal expectation that while at work, a person should be able to make small talk or not talk at all? Helloooo, professionalism?

Well, my personal solution is to say as little as possible when I'm not fit for small talk, but I do find you ladies somewhat lacking in the empathy department.

[Anonymous]

I really do not like to listen to people (okay, it's all women) complain at work. They know the solutions to their problems, but they don't have the balls to take the necessary actions. So they live life in constant turmoil. I don't have much empathy for people who are so weak they'd rather complain about their freeloading children, etc. when I can't offer a solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really do not like to listen to people (okay, it's all women) complain at work. They know the solutions to their problems, but they don't have the balls to take the necessary actions. So they live life in constant turmoil. I don't have much empathy for people who are so weak they'd rather complain about their freeloading children, etc. when I can't offer a solution.

Sometimes people are forced to tolerate situations beyond their control or without good alternatives. I think it wouldn't kill you to excuse minor social transgressions committed by unhappy (and possible very unhappy-- 'cause you never really know) people.

Don't lose productivity at work, but don't gang up on or pointedly exclude someone who may already be miserable in a show of smug "competence" or "professionalism" that covers a total lack of compassion.

Be grateful your own children aren't ill or freeloading, your spouse hasn't smashed anything lately, and your mortgage has been paid... leaving you free to sparkle around the water cooler to your heart's content. You can afford to be nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I think some people are just that not original. They can't think of how to have a conversation unless it's a complaint.

I worry that I am like this. The things I often talk about with friends are what's going on in my life. While I am always happy to share good news, it's the more challenging events or decisions that are drawn out and more interesting, I guess. Also sometimes I hope that other people will find something negative that happened to me (think, I tripped in the snow and fell on my face or I dated this really weird guy or something) amusing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Distance. I used to be like that too. I find it disorienting to be around that type of personality.

If I can't escape, I work to steer the conversation to something positive. If the movie sucked, what kind of movies do you like. That kind of thing. Obviously, it's not always smooth and sometimes it seems heavy handed.

that's what I do too. Some people i care about a lot, but all they do is complain and act like their (great) life sucks, so I distance myself, sometimes for months at a time. I just can't handle it. I want to help them, to make them happy, but they never listen because they LIKE to complain!

[Anonymous]

I think I would rather have a complainer (not constantly) than a seemingly happy, positive co-worker who pretends everything is good but is silently slipping off the deep end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really do not like to listen to people (okay, it's all women) complain at work. They know the solutions to their problems, but they don't have the balls to take the necessary actions. So they live life in constant turmoil. I don't have much empathy for people who are so weak they'd rather complain about their freeloading children, etc. when I can't offer a solution.

Sometimes people are forced to tolerate situations beyond their control or without good alternatives. I think it wouldn't kill you to excuse minor social transgressions committed by unhappy (and possible very unhappy-- 'cause you never really know) people.

Don't lose productivity at work, but don't gang up on or pointedly exclude someone who may already be miserable in a show of smug "competence" or "professionalism" that covers a total lack of compassion.

Be grateful your own children aren't ill or freeloading, your spouse hasn't smashed anything lately, and your mortgage has been paid... leaving you free to sparkle around the water cooler to your heart's content. You can afford to be nice.

No, sorry, I don't have patience for it.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend like this and a mutual friend made an observation that was very true, at least in regard to this complaining friend. Complainer friend really did complain about everything and was woe-is-me. She'd had a reasonably difficult childhood, was the oldest child (so took care of the younger ones), dad was an absent alcoholic and mom mentally checked out. She did well in school and kept the family together and I think she just never got that validation, no adult told her "wow, 'Jane', you did so well in that spelling bee, I am proud of you." Now she needs constant validation that what she's going through in life is tough and that she's strong.

The problem was, no amount of validation at this point is going to help. Support and sympathy spurred more complaints from her, conversation redirection was unsuccessful. It was such a chore to be with her. Also, she actually was not supportive of other people going through crap. I had a true emergency and tragedy in my life and she barely acknowledged it and had a "get over it" attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I would rather have a complainer (not constantly) than a seemingly happy, positive co-worker who pretends everything is good but is silently slipping off the deep end.

Why? I don't care if my coworkers are slipping off the deep end.

[Anonymous]

I was so sick of hearing a colleague complain that I just kinda lit in to him one day. We worked in a Network Operations Center monitoring networks and devices so we didn't have cubes, we had workstations, several in one room. Everyone always heard everything he said. He came in to work one day and I said something along the lines of "Good Morning." His response was "What's so fuckin' good about it?!" After listening to him for months, I basically told him to shut the fuck up and if he didn't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all because, honestly, the shitstorm he rained on everyone was getting pretty old.

Like 5 people looked at me and smiled. He definitely mellowed out after that.