Wife is not a good sham

[Anonymous]

She sounds lazy, and she’s not going to go back once the kids are in school. Because she’s lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, let me get this right:

Toddler is in day care 3 days a week, all day?
You have a nanny half days 5 days a week?
Groceries are delivered?
Cleaning person once every two weeks?

For a SAHM this sounds like a dream. She doesn’t like being a SAHM so she should go back to work so get a full time nanny and cleaning person weekly.

OP here. Yes. We lucked out with a great nanny who also handles kid laundry weekly and helps with clean up.

My wife isn’t some lazy, uninvolved parent. She is involved, but I feel like she could do more based on the level of help we have.

She is lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious, on a daily basis, how much time does your wife get away from both kids? Like where she’s actually alone?

OP here. A decent amount. On the days my son is in daycare, she has 8am - 2pm without our infant. Nanny is there until 12:30pm and he sleeps until 2pm. On the days both kids are there, the nanny is there 8am - 4pm. My wife is involved on these days and usually has one kid at a time for half of the day, but gets breaks if she needs one or when they both nap.

On the weekends, I try to give her a break and I let her sleep in and do what she wants for an afternoon.

What does she accomplish in all her free time? Anything? My husband would probably have zero respect for me if I did this.

OP here. On the days our son is in daycare, she runs errands, does online grocery shopping, makes appointments, mela preps, cooks infants foods from scratch, makes toddler lunches for daycare, etc. Some days she will nap or just relax.

On the days both kids are home, she will take our infant part of the day while nanny takes oldest outside or to an activity. Then my wife will switch with nanny and take my son to an activity or a fun outing. She likes it so that she has one-on-one time with both kids.

Sounds fine overall but also no reason she can't step it up. She has plenty of support and isn't generating any income. You should come home to a clean house and shouldn't have to do well more than half of the cooking. You help with bathings kids and putting them down, then you both get downtime. I'd be annoyed too, OP.

[Anonymous]

So she's a SAHM for 1 kid 3 afternoons a week and 2 kids 2 afternoons a week with outsourced help for most household tasks? Something is off. Is she depressed? Does she miss work? With the amount of child care you already have maybe she needs to go back at least part time.

[Anonymous]

There's something off about this thread. OP this is a mega-granular level of detail about your kids' schedule, the nanny and cleaners' schedules, the kids' routines/naps according to their ages, etc. If this is all true, you either know more about your kids than any Dad I've ever met (yes sexist I know, and also usually true), or you're involved with these kids to a level where mom isn't really involved at all. And from your posts, she seems involved. This just doesn't add up.

Also you describe the routines with military-like detail but you don't know if your wife is still on board with being a SAHM and haven't asked?

Idk. Whole thing seems off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious, on a daily basis, how much time does your wife get away from both kids? Like where she’s actually alone?

OP here. A decent amount. On the days my son is in daycare, she has 8am - 2pm without our infant. Nanny is there until 12:30pm and he sleeps until 2pm. On the days both kids are there, the nanny is there 8am - 4pm. My wife is involved on these days and usually has one kid at a time for half of the day, but gets breaks if she needs one or when they both nap.

On the weekends, I try to give her a break and I let her sleep in and do what she wants for an afternoon.

What does she accomplish in all her free time? Anything? My husband would probably have zero respect for me if I did this.

OP here. On the days our son is in daycare, she runs errands, does online grocery shopping, makes appointments, mela preps, cooks infants foods from scratch, makes toddler lunches for daycare, etc. Some days she will nap or just relax.

On the days both kids are home, she will take our infant part of the day while nanny takes oldest outside or to an activity. Then my wife will switch with nanny and take my son to an activity or a fun outing. She likes it so that she has one-on-one time with both kids.

I take back my lazy comment. This post does not match your other posts. So I think you're trolling. If not, do the clean up and stop whining.

OP here. She doesn’t just sit around all day, but the things she does do takes max of 2 hours each day. She should still be able to make dinner multiple nights a week and clean up more. I have friends who have a SAHM and they all manage to care for their kids, cook, and clean without help or daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious, on a daily basis, how much time does your wife get away from both kids? Like where she’s actually alone?

OP here. A decent amount. On the days my son is in daycare, she has 8am - 2pm without our infant. Nanny is there until 12:30pm and he sleeps until 2pm. On the days both kids are there, the nanny is there 8am - 4pm. My wife is involved on these days and usually has one kid at a time for half of the day, but gets breaks if she needs one or when they both nap.

On the weekends, I try to give her a break and I let her sleep in and do what she wants for an afternoon.

What does she accomplish in all her free time? Anything? My husband would probably have zero respect for me if I did this.

OP here. On the days our son is in daycare, she runs errands, does online grocery shopping, makes appointments, mela preps, cooks infants foods from scratch, makes toddler lunches for daycare, etc. Some days she will nap or just relax.

On the days both kids are home, she will take our infant part of the day while nanny takes oldest outside or to an activity. Then my wife will switch with nanny and take my son to an activity or a fun outing. She likes it so that she has one-on-one time with both kids.

I take back my lazy comment. This post does not match your other posts. So I think you're trolling. If not, do the clean up and stop whining.

OP here. She doesn’t just sit around all day, but the things she does do takes max of 2 hours each day. She should still be able to make dinner multiple nights a week and clean up more. I have friends who have a SAHM and they all manage to care for their kids, cook, and clean without help or daycare.

You're kinda starting to sound like a controlling ahole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's something off about this thread. OP this is a mega-granular level of detail about your kids' schedule, the nanny and cleaners' schedules, the kids' routines/naps according to their ages, etc. If this is all true, you either know more about your kids than any Dad I've ever met (yes sexist I know, and also usually true), or you're involved with these kids to a level where mom isn't really involved at all. And from your posts, she seems involved. This just doesn't add up.

Also you describe the routines with military-like detail but you don't know if your wife is still on board with being a SAHM and haven't asked?

Idk. Whole thing seems off.

OP here. I’m an involved father. What’s so wrong with that? I work from home most days of the week and care for my kids on the weekends. It’s my job as a parent to know their routine and day to day activities. We track both of our kids days on apps to make things easier for us between me, my wife, and my nanny.

My wife has also had to go out of town multiple times recently and I managed both kids at the same time.

My dad was an involved dad and so am I.

Kids and work are tiring. I admit that I’m not super emotional and haven’t checked in with my wife about how things are going. I feel like she will tell me if/when she no longer wants to be a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

What does she do 5 days a week from 8 to 12:30 when the nanny is there? I can see working out daily for part of that, but what else is she doing if she doesn’t do housework and groceries and meal prep?

That seems like a heck of a lot of leisure time per week for a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Do you account for every hour of your work to your spouse? Do you think she might think all your emails and meetings really could be done in two hours? If she said that to you, would you be especially impressed?

Because…that’s exactly what you sound like right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, let me get this right:

Toddler is in day care 3 days a week, all day?
You have a nanny half days 5 days a week?
Groceries are delivered?
Cleaning person once every two weeks?

For a SAHM this sounds like a dream. She doesn’t like being a SAHM so she should go back to work so get a full time nanny and cleaning person weekly.

OP here. Yes. We lucked out with a great nanny who also handles kid laundry weekly and helps with clean up.

My wife isn’t some lazy, uninvolved parent. She is involved, but I feel like she could do more based on the level of help we have.

She is lazy.

OP here. I don’t feel she is lazy. One of the reasons I fell in love with her was her work ethic and ambition. She has advanced degrees and worked really hard to achieve the level she has in her career. She put in work with long hours and school to make it happen.

She is a great mom. Do I wish she did more? Yes. Am I jealous that other people I know have wives who do much more? Yes. She isn’t totally involved or lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's something off about this thread. OP this is a mega-granular level of detail about your kids' schedule, the nanny and cleaners' schedules, the kids' routines/naps according to their ages, etc. If this is all true, you either know more about your kids than any Dad I've ever met (yes sexist I know, and also usually true), or you're involved with these kids to a level where mom isn't really involved at all. And from your posts, she seems involved. This just doesn't add up.

Also you describe the routines with military-like detail but you don't know if your wife is still on board with being a SAHM and haven't asked?

Idk. Whole thing seems off.

OP here. I’m an involved father. What’s so wrong with that? I work from home most days of the week and care for my kids on the weekends. It’s my job as a parent to know their routine and day to day activities. We track both of our kids days on apps to make things easier for us between me, my wife, and my nanny.

My wife has also had to go out of town multiple times recently and I managed both kids at the same time.

My dad was an involved dad and so am I.

Kids and work are tiring. I admit that I’m not super emotional and haven’t checked in with my wife about how things are going. I feel like she will tell me if/when she no longer wants to be a SAHM.

Your wife is lazy and you're letting her do not much of anything. But you already know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious, on a daily basis, how much time does your wife get away from both kids? Like where she’s actually alone?

OP here. A decent amount. On the days my son is in daycare, she has 8am - 2pm without our infant. Nanny is there until 12:30pm and he sleeps until 2pm. On the days both kids are there, the nanny is there 8am - 4pm. My wife is involved on these days and usually has one kid at a time for half of the day, but gets breaks if she needs one or when they both nap.

On the weekends, I try to give her a break and I let her sleep in and do what she wants for an afternoon.

What does she accomplish in all her free time? Anything? My husband would probably have zero respect for me if I did this.

OP here. On the days our son is in daycare, she runs errands, does online grocery shopping, makes appointments, mela preps, cooks infants foods from scratch, makes toddler lunches for daycare, etc. Some days she will nap or just relax.

On the days both kids are home, she will take our infant part of the day while nanny takes oldest outside or to an activity. Then my wife will switch with nanny and take my son to an activity or a fun outing. She likes it so that she has one-on-one time with both kids.

I take back my lazy comment. This post does not match your other posts. So I think you're trolling. If not, do the clean up and stop whining.

OP here. She doesn’t just sit around all day, but the things she does do takes max of 2 hours each day. She should still be able to make dinner multiple nights a week and clean up more. I have friends who have a SAHM and they all manage to care for their kids, cook, and clean without help or daycare.

Your wife is an individual. She is not your friend's wives. I would be a disaster as a SAHM. Thank goodness for my job.

I think if you discuss this with your wife you have to focus on how this impacts you rather than what you perceive she has time for. If you don't want to do all the cooking, say you can't do it and ask her to take 3 days a week. The house being messy is a little more delicate but if you can find a way to talk about how it stresses you out when you come home and you don't have time to clean it - could there be a way to incorporate clean up time into playing with the toddler?

[Anonymous]

By your schedule, you spend 2 of 24 hours per day with your six month old.

You literally know nothing about how much work the baby is because you only spend 2 hours a day awake at the same time.

I don’t see why you think you’re more an expert than your wife on her day.

[Anonymous]

She's probably depressed because she's trapped at home and making no use of her mind and skills.