Wife is not a good sham

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s taking care of a baby all day OP. Slow your roll. You can clean when you get home. She’s not actually your housekeeper.

Yup. Or your private chef or assistant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked your wife if she likes being a SAHM? Is it what she expected? In her opinion, what works well and not well? How does she structure her days?

I think you need to get her to open up on all of this as a starting point.

OP here. Honestly, no. I probably should. We did talk about it a couple of months ago but not since then. We didn’t make a final decision about her going back to work until 4 months and she said she would rather stay home.

[Anonymous]

A nanny and house keeper? She can go back to work and keep them, or stay at home and fire them.

What absurdity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question for the OP: Do your infant and toddler sleep through the night? Or if they do, how early do they wake up? Who gets up when they wake up, either in the middle night or in the morning? Is your wife breast-feeding? Don’t underestimate the need for sleep and the impact it can have and you’re chronically not getting it.

All this—also—how old is said infant? And might your wife be suffering from PPD?

Tool.

OP here. My wife doesn’t have PPD or anything of the sort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is she a SAHM? Does she think it is something she SHOULD do vs something she wants to do? I was a SAHM and it made my PPD worse. I wasn't as bad as your wife but I struggled hard to do things. I went back to work PT and it made a huge difference.

OP here. She decided staying home would be easier. She’s in healthcare and had a longer commute and worked with sick patients all day. She felt the stress of all that would be too much with 2 kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question for the OP: Do your infant and toddler sleep through the night? Or if they do, how early do they wake up? Who gets up when they wake up, either in the middle night or in the morning? Is your wife breast-feeding? Don’t underestimate the need for sleep and the impact it can have and you’re chronically not getting it.

OP here. Both sleep through the night.

6 month old sleep - 7pm - 7am. Naps 9-10, 12-2, and 4-4:30.

2.5 year old - 8pm - 7am, naps 12-2.

They both rarely ever wake up. My 2.5 year old will wake up maybe once a week but that’s usually to potty and that’s it. We both get up depending on the week.

Our 6 month old is sleep trained and doesn’t need to tended to during the night. If he wakes up, it’s usually to reposition and he goes back to sleep.

We all get up together as a family. I get up earlier to work out + get ready for work. I make everyone breakfast and we all eat together. Then I start work at 8am. At night, I’m done working by 5/6pm and I cook, spend time with the kids, and help put them to bed. We tackle this together. Then I will clean up for the day while my wife showers or relaxes.

My wife isn’t breastfeeding. She stopped at 4 months.

Your wife is not your housekeeper. Your kids are cared for, right? If you have a specific issue about the work load division at home you can discuss it with her, but you’re going to sound like an absolute *ss to ask her to do more housework.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've put off making this post for while because I feel like I already know the responses I will get but just need to make it. I need some guidance to understand and keep my sanity. Help me navigate this.

My wife and I have two children, an infant and a toddler. She is a great mom who adores our kids. My wife worked PT with our older child but transitioned to a stay-at-home mom when our second came. I was fully on board because I felt it would take a lot of stress off her plate and make life easier.

So far, that hasn't been the case. She doesn't seem like she does much. The house is a disaster every night, I do 90% of the cooking, and I try to help out as much as I can on the weekends. Our oldest is in PT daycare and we have a PT nanny that helps with both kids. We have semi-weekly housekeeper but my wife has been insisting we need her every week to help manage the house. I thought my wife would be more involved, not less. I'm growing tired of it. I feel she should be more active in parenting and maintaining our house. I want to approach the subject but I don't want to cause hurt her feelings or make her think I feel she's a bad wife/mother.

I think you have zero idea of how much work it is to care for an infant and toddler. Why don't you stay at home for a few days and see how it is? You have no idea on how little time you have between dropping off kid at pre-school and then picking them up. You don't know if you baby is going to sleep or be fussy.

If you can afford the cleaning person to come more often please help your wife out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were in your position I’d be pretty annoyed too, OP. If she has a nanny and daycare, she should be able to keep on top of the house easily. Women who work with kids do this just fine. Maybe suggest she go back to a part time job?

Are you speaking for ALL women? This can't be so..I'm sure there is a lot of things that fall through the crack.

[Anonymous]

Right now almost all of her effort is going to the kids, so I fail to see how she’s not being active with the kids or whatever. 6 months and 2.5 is pretty close in age, so less than a year from now you’re going to have two toddlers and that’s a whole nother level of hot mess. What’s the hours for the PT day care and the PT nanny? If the 2.5 year old is just in something like a 2-3 days a week, 4 hours per day church preschool, that doesn’t give her a lot of hours, especially with a baby at home also. Idk it just sounds to me like typical life at home with 2 little ones and your expectations are unrealistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happens after you get home?

OP here. I work from home most days of the week. I go into the office 1-2 days a week, some weeks.

I get home or come upstairs and start making dinner. If I’m not done working by 5, my wife will usually order dinner or make something quick. We eat, hang out as a family, and we start the bedtime routine. We bathe both kids, and I take infant and put him to bed. Then we hang out a little more with my oldest and I put him to bed ( sometimes he wants mom to do it). Then I will clean up from the day and my wife will usually shower during this time. We will watch tv together and then bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But is she a good pillowcase

OP here. I don’t even know that this means..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s taking care of a baby all day OP. Slow your roll. You can clean when you get home. She’s not actually your housekeeper.

OP here. I never said she was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've put off making this post for while because I feel like I already know the responses I will get but just need to make it. I need some guidance to understand and keep my sanity. Help me navigate this.

My wife and I have two children, an infant and a toddler. She is a great mom who adores our kids. My wife worked PT with our older child but transitioned to a stay-at-home mom when our second came. I was fully on board because I felt it would take a lot of stress off her plate and make life easier.

So far, that hasn't been the case. She doesn't seem like she does much. The house is a disaster every night, I do 90% of the cooking, and I try to help out as much as I can on the weekends. Our oldest is in PT daycare and we have a PT nanny that helps with both kids. We have semi-weekly housekeeper but my wife has been insisting we need her every week to help manage the house. I thought my wife would be more involved, not less. I'm growing tired of it. I feel she should be more active in parenting and maintaining our house. I want to approach the subject but I don't want to cause hurt her feelings or make her think I feel she's a bad wife/mother.

I think you have zero idea of how much work it is to care for an infant and toddler. Why don't you stay at home for a few days and see how it is? You have no idea on how little time you have between dropping off kid at pre-school and then picking them up. You don't know if you baby is going to sleep or be fussy.

If you can afford the cleaning person to come more often please help your wife out.

OP here. I’ve cared for them regularly on my own during the weekends and during the week when my wife had to go out of town for a family issue.

Our nanny or I do daycare drop off/pickup of my oldest son. Our daycare is walking distance from our house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But is she a good pillowcase

OP here. I don’t even know that this means..

Your title is "Wife is not a good sham". Sham = pillowcase.

[Anonymous]

Just curious, on a daily basis, how much time does your wife get away from both kids? Like where she’s actually alone?