Not Attracted to Obese Spouse

[Anonymous]

I love my DH immensely. We've been through a lot together, have children, and i would never leave him. He has become obese, though, and I have absolutely NO physical attraction to him anymore. Even without the attraction, I would still have sex regularly, but he isn't into it. He won't see a doctor, he hoards junk food when I'm not around, and he denies any depression. He brushes off my concerns about his physical well being, as I genuinely worry he will keel over in this 40s from a heart attack. I try to do family activities that involve exercise and he won't go. He does most of the cooking. It isn't unhealthy, but he eats four or five servings worth. It has been at least three years since he even made a good effort at losing the weight.

At some point, do I need to point blank say that I'm not attracted to him or would that just make a bad situation worse? The thought of his stomach hanging out from under his shirts because they are too short REALLY turns me off, the skin creases gross me out, and I feel guilty for feeling that way on top of everything else, like I'm way too superficial.

[Anonymous]

I can tell you what I've learned from my DH who is like this (are we married to the same man?). You are going to have to buy him new clothes. Sucks I know but he's not going to. Ever. He's not going to exercise. Ever. He probably has Low T.

[Anonymous]

DH here: this calls for brutal honesty. You do him no favors by sugar-coating this. Don't feel bad about these feelings, you are only human and it is natural. Be loving, as you seem to be, but direct and precise. He may well not understand how far things have gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH here: this calls for brutal honesty. You do him no favors by sugar-coating this. Don't feel bad about these feelings, you are only human and it is natural. Be loving, as you seem to be, but direct and precise. He may well not understand how far things have gone.

This is a huge factor. Most people (myself included) truly have no idea how out of shape they are until they start to get back into shape.

Pray for a health scare that doesn't kill him. That's often what gets middle aged guys to change, since their libido is no longer enough to motivate them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here: this calls for brutal honesty. You do him no favors by sugar-coating this. Don't feel bad about these feelings, you are only human and it is natural. Be loving, as you seem to be, but direct and precise. He may well not understand how far things have gone.

This is a huge factor. Most people (myself included) truly have no idea how out of shape they are until they start to get back into shape.

Pray for a health scare that doesn't kill him. That's often what gets middle aged guys to change, since their libido is no longer enough to motivate them.

And it is not that hard to start turning the ship around. 30 minute walks in the evenings most nights; 1 session of weightlifting per week. The weights are the most important part, even a little time in the weight room can pay big dividends in how you feel and keeping your motivation up.

[Anonymous]

OP like...

[Anonymous]

OP, my husband has gained a substantial amount of weight in the past several years. His BMI is 33.4. He's 40. He's not tall and carries all the weight in his midsection.

Truthfully, I have never stopped being attracted to him, but he feels so unattractive as a result of being so fat that he often doesn't want to have sex with me. He freaks out if I see him naked in any context OTHER than having sex and has been reluctant to go to the pool with DD this summer.

He hasn't seen a doctor since he gained these last 15 pounds so no medical professional has told him that he needs to lose the weight. He doesn't actually need to be told he needs to lose the weight. He knows.

He's actually lost 7 pounds in a month simply by changing the way he eats. He quit drinking anything other than water and black coffee. He stopped eating bread, pasta and rice. He eats one plate of food per meal - a medium-sized plate, because I donated our large dinner plates in an attempt to get him to eat less.

But he won't exercise. Previously, when he gained a lot of weight, he'd suck it up and go to the gym a bunch and get a bit buff in his upper body, which did a lot to change the way his chest looked. Now, he's getting smaller, but he still looks flabby. I haven't said anything about it because I know it'll just make him feel worse and he is doing SOMETHING.

OP, I think you should insist that he see a doctor. Everyone needs to get a check up from time to time, and he is no exception. A doctor will likely see what you see and suggest things. You can then helpfully support him in his endeavor by exercising with him, taking over the cooking and not buying junk food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH here: this calls for brutal honesty. You do him no favors by sugar-coating this. Don't feel bad about these feelings, you are only human and it is natural. Be loving, as you seem to be, but direct and precise. He may well not understand how far things have gone.

This is solid advice. And THANK GOD we are married to men and not women. Men can take the brutal truth without going crazy and freaking out.

My DH got exactly like yours, except I could not have pity sex with him. It was gross. I told him it was gross. I told him that unless he started taking care of himself then I was not going to have sex with him and would be miserably sexually frustrated.

My DH went from 285lbs and is now at 220 lbs. He is not only thin, but he is FIT. His arms are now jacked and he is at the gym 4 days a week, plus runs. He eats strictly Paleo that I fully support by laboring in the kitchen and over meal plans. We are going away this weekend to another family's beach home. I asked for the meal plan in advance. Tonight is spaghetti, I have packed him "zucchini noodles" so he does not have to eat pasta. So, yes, I was harsh, but I back his changes up by being supportive. We both work full time and it takes A TON of support when two people are exercising 5 days a week. I support all of his athletic endeavors.

I tell him ALL the time how hot and sexy he is and our sex life is at about 3 times a week (vs a horrible 3xs a month).

Unlike your DH, mine still had a sex drive, so he was very motivated to make me want to have sex with him.

His confidence now is through the roof, there were so many other benefits other than the obvious, he's just happier. He loves the changes and he loves the attention he gets (not just from me) women have noticed. Everyone gets a nice boost when people other than their spouse think they are hot.

Good luck, my DH turned his heath and appearance around, yours can too, but you need to give it to him straight and brutal, men don't "do" smoke signals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP like...

OP here. I love all of the great serious advice, but this is also kind of awesome. I literally tell myself "don't make a face...don't make a face" sometimes because I really don't want to be that person. By way of context, he is probably over 325 now, and he started our marriage as a muscular 200. It definitely will be a big commitment.

[Anonymous]

So, I'm kinda wondering how the women here would react to a man complaining that his wife was fat and he wasn't attracted to her.

Would we get the same "be honest and deny your spouse sex until they lose weight"?

Or would we get, "how dare you fat-shame her, you must love her even though she is now a beached manatee"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, I'm kinda wondering how the women here would react to a man complaining that his wife was fat and he wasn't attracted to her.

Would we get the same "be honest and deny your spouse sex until they lose weight"?

Or would we get, "how dare you fat-shame her, you must love her even though she is now a beached manatee"?

OP here. I wondered the same thing and very nearly tried to make a gender-neutral post for this reason. I think part of the difference must be that women bear children, go through menopause, etc., which gives us more reasons to have fluctuations in weight. Even then, though, I can't seriously think that my DH would be totally cool with me going from the petite woman he married to a 250-pound person, but maybe he actually would, which is why I feel awful that I'm not attracted to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, I'm kinda wondering how the women here would react to a man complaining that his wife was fat and he wasn't attracted to her.

Would we get the same "be honest and deny your spouse sex until they lose weight"?

Or would we get, "how dare you fat-shame her, you must love her even though she is now a beached manatee"?

I agree, honestly. I think that a man posing a similar question would be given a lot of reasons why his wife got so far and if it was suggested that he tell her to lose weight, he'd be instructed to do it as gently as possible.

I think the issue is in the way that you tell the person. I'm the PP above whose husband is losing weight but refuses to exercise. I tell him that I think he's attractive, that I love him, that I like X or Y non-appearance-related quality. I also tell him how proud I am of the steps that he's taking to take care of his health. I have never once framed it as a matter of attraction, even when my level of attraction was lower because of his weight.

In defense of the OP, she also is concerned about his health so it's not all about appearance.

[Anonymous]

The appearance of health is a factor in sexual attraction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I'm kinda wondering how the women here would react to a man complaining that his wife was fat and he wasn't attracted to her.

Would we get the same "be honest and deny your spouse sex until they lose weight"?

Or would we get, "how dare you fat-shame her, you must love her even though she is now a beached manatee"?

I agree, honestly. I think that a man posing a similar question would be given a lot of reasons why his wife got so far and if it was suggested that he tell her to lose weight, he'd be instructed to do it as gently as possible.

I think the issue is in the way that you tell the person. I'm the PP above whose husband is losing weight but refuses to exercise. I tell him that I think he's attractive, that I love him, that I like X or Y non-appearance-related quality. I also tell him how proud I am of the steps that he's taking to take care of his health. I have never once framed it as a matter of attraction, even when my level of attraction was lower because of his weight.

In defense of the OP, she also is concerned about his health so it's not all about appearance.

OP again. I think my issue is that I've tried the gentle approach many times because, as a woman, that is how I would want to be approached. I've tried focusing on his health, which is an obvious priority. I've tried championing the small things he has done but he has always gone back to his old ways. I've tried gentle but tough love about portion sizes (for example, be careful there, you'll ruin your supper eating that whole bag of cheetos before dinner). I've tried building up his ego. I've tried asking about emotional issues. I haven't made a peep about attraction or how I feel. I guess a better way of putting it is, would doing that actually get at his male ego and make him do something? Or is it really the old, he'll change only when he's ready to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is solid advice. And THANK GOD we are married to men and not women. Men can take the brutal truth without going crazy and freaking out.

My DH got exactly like yours, except I could not have pity sex with him. It was gross. I told him it was gross. I told him that unless he started taking care of himself then I was not going to have sex with him and would be miserably sexually frustrated.

My DH went from 285lbs and is now at 220 lbs. He is not only thin, but he is FIT. His arms are now jacked and he is at the gym 4 days a week, plus runs. He eats strictly Paleo that I fully support by laboring in the kitchen and over meal plans. We are going away this weekend to another family's beach home. I asked for the meal plan in advance. Tonight is spaghetti, I have packed him "zucchini noodles" so he does not have to eat pasta. So, yes, I was harsh, but I back his changes up by being supportive. We both work full time and it takes A TON of support when two people are exercising 5 days a week. I support all of his athletic endeavors.

I tell him ALL the time how hot and sexy he is and our sex life is at about 3 times a week (vs a horrible 3xs a month).

Unlike your DH, mine still had a sex drive, so he was very motivated to make me want to have sex with him.

His confidence now is through the roof, there were so many other benefits other than the obvious, he's just happier. He loves the changes and he loves the attention he gets (not just from me) women have noticed. Everyone gets a nice boost when people other than their spouse think they are hot.

Good luck, my DH turned his heath and appearance around, yours can too, but you need to give it to him straight and brutal, men don't "do" smoke signals.

You sound like someone who has her priorities just right. I wish I knew you in real life!!