advice for a new step-mom

[Anonymous]

DH's 7-yo daughter is coming to stay with us for the summer. We've spent time together, but only got a week max. We get along fine, but DH is the long-distance dad, who often overindulges his DD because they don't spend that much time together, e.g., no set bedtime, sweets, not having to pick up after herself, etc. it's usually vacation when she comes, so he says it will be different when she is here for the summer. I don't want to overstep & micromanage, but we will all be in the same house & DH & I have an infant son, so I have some stake in establishing household rules. Mostly though, I want us to have a fun summer & for me to have an opportunity to bond a bit more with her.

Thoughts, suggestions, do's, don't's?

[Anonymous]

U and hubby need to get on the same page.
Talk about long term goals, setting up rules that all gne kids will have to folo.
Let DH handle discipline.

[Anonymous]

DH doesn't do abstract conversations like that well. He will think its stupid.

[Anonymous]

Read "Stepmonster" now before she arrives. It will help calibrate your expectations and keep you sane. It's your house, so you should discipline her too (with agreed boundaries with DH) but focus on your baby and your relationship with DH.

[Anonymous]

When she comes, you present it as "house rules." So in this house, when we finish eating we take our dishes to the sink. In this house, we do not put shoes on furniture. In this house, we do not scream at people when we are upset - we go calm down and then come talk nicely. Etc.

When she comes on her first day, I suggest you let her know when the next meal is, and offer to take her food shopping for foods she likes. Also, ask her to make a list of her goals for the summer. It will give you an idea of her expectations and you can see which of them you can make happen.

[Anonymous]

As others have said, come to an agreement with your husband about house rules. Also, he needs to be the disciplinarian whenever around. So you don't get into the whole "you are not my mom!" argument.

Make her feel really welcome when she arrives. Maybe decorate the room she will stay in with a welcome sign and streamers or something. Maybe even have a little welcome gift or welcome cupcakes the first day she is there.

I love the idea of finding out what foods she likes. I might be afraid to take her food shopping for fear she would try to buy all her favorite junk and you'd be in a position of having to say "no."

If you want to do a bonding activity like see a movie with her or going to the American doll place or a baseball game or something, let you husband present the idea in private so if she isn't ready she can decline and you won't have to have an uncomfortable outing.

[Anonymous]

How is your relationship with her mother? If it is good then you or DH could alwys call her to ask about things so her routine and expectations will be consistent- bedtime routine/time, foods, rules, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As others have said, come to an agreement with your husband about house rules. Also, he needs to be the disciplinarian whenever around. So you don't get into the whole "you are not my mom!" argument.

Make her feel really welcome when she arrives. Maybe decorate the room she will stay in with a welcome sign and streamers or something. Maybe even have a little welcome gift or welcome cupcakes the first day she is there.

I love the idea of finding out what foods she likes. I might be afraid to take her food shopping for fear she would try to buy all her favorite junk and you'd be in a position of having to say "no."

If you want to do a bonding activity like see a movie with her or going to the American doll place or a baseball game or something, let you husband present the idea in private so if she isn't ready she can decline and you won't have to have an uncomfortable outing.

This should not be an issue. It's OP's house. Grownups in a house make the house rules. OP should not be afraid to say no to the child asking for unreasonable things. She is 7 and knows damn well that only asking for junk food is completely unacceptable and she shouldn't have the expectation of getting that each time she comes to this house. If she wants chocolate milk, or a specific type of cookies that's all well and good. But she needs to be included in picking out the fruits and veggies she'll eat as well.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, everyone. I like the "house rules" approach. The trick will be making sure DH will back me up. As mentioned, I am not optimistic that DH will discuss this in the abstract before she arrives. (Judge away, I'm just acknowledging how he is & the unlikelihood if that happening.). She usually comes with a stash of candy in her suitcase & DH doesn't make sure she eats veggies, so I'm not sure there is any expectation at home or during visits re: nutrition. That will be a hard one to enforce, especially since it doesn't directly affect me (unlike not picking up after herself). Any suggestions on bonding activities? My expectations are fairly minimal....I'm not her parent & don't need for her to adore me, but I'd like to make an effort to spend quality time with her. So far, it's been coloring & playing UNO.

[Anonymous]

Definitely pick your battles, because some aren't your's to fight. If she doesn't clean her plate, that's up to DH to worry about. If you're doing the cooking, though, it's up to you what kinds of foods are on that plate. On the other hand, the "house rules" concepts of cleaning up after yourself, helping with simple chores ("Larla, can you set the table please while I finish tossing the salad") are completely reasonable expectations of anyone in a household.

Are you the DC area? If so, there are a million things to do in this area! Check out the Our Kids website and newsletter. Museums, festivals, zoo, farms/fruit-picking, billy goat trail, high tea at the Ritz, ice skating, etc, etc, etc

Stepmother here.

[Anonymous]

I might be a bit off base here, but she is visiting you, not living in your house. If it were me (and I'm the single parent with sole custody whose kids go on occasional "visits" to the other parent home and also the aunt whose nieces and nephews used to spend most of the summer with), I would approach it as trying to be sure she is a good houseguest, not that she is living there. So, while you aren't going to serve her junk food, taking her food likes and dislikes into account when preparing meals seems appropriate. Guests have a space (her room) that they must keep reasonably clean (no food, dirty dishes, etc.), and she should be expected to put things away in the rest of the house. Since it is an extended visit, you might want to think about giving her a drawer or shelf in the main area of your house to put her things in. You can't make someone sleep, but there can be a bedtime where kids go into their beds to either lay until they fall asleep or maybe quietly read books. Putting dishes in the dishwasher after meals should be expected, but it is nice to occasionally offer to take care of it for her. These are the sorts of things I try to impress on my kids before they go for visits.

More than the discipline, I would be thinking about what you are planning on doing to keep her occupied. If she doesn't already have friends, her free time is something you're going to have to think about. It's great to have a lazy, unplanned summer, but not if you don't have anyone to play with.

As to activities to bond, there are logs of fun day trips - the zoo, museums, the pool, etc. My youngest who is almost seven really likes crafts, especially if they involve jewelry making and we can do those sorts of things together. She also likes scrapbooking. You might want to think about making her a small photo album of her summer time together with your family that she can take home with her. I did that with each of my nieces and nephews each year and every couple of years, we pull them all out to look at them together now that they are older. They are more prized possessions than any thing I ever bought them.

[Anonymous]

Let DH handle disciplining and any rules. You can jointly implement them, but let him lead on this. You can give him a script and plan the rules, but just make him be the "face".

Agree on finding out her routines at mom's house. Kids love predictability and routine. This will help her enjoy her trip.

Establish some fun traditions of your own over the summer.

Come up with a summer bucket list to work through together.

Spend some time with her one on one without infant. Be sure dad does too.

Have her help plan meals - ensure you are making some things that she likes.

Bake cookies together. Make pancakes shaped with her initials.

Make sure she has the opportunity to video chat or call mom. She will miss her and be homesick.

When you feel overwhelmed, take a breather. Get a local teen to babysit. Recognize she's a 7 year old kid.

Good luck! It will probably be alternately fun and frustrating. I wouldn't try to shut down your DH's approach of doing it vacation style - as long as she isn't hosting raves at the house, its probably a pretty fun summer for a little girl who doesn't get to see her dad all that much.

- A stepmom whose DH has full custody.

[Anonymous]

Thanks again. These are helpful suggestions. She will be in summer camp during the day, so we'll mostly hang out in the evenings & on weekends. DH already has some fun things planned for the 2 of them (e.g., circus, Great Adventure), but I want to make sure she & I have time to do stuff, too. Maybe it will be little things like pancakes and arts & crafts. She doesn't read a lot, so I had thought about taking her to the library to pick out some books for us to read together. She loves helping out with her little brother, so I'm sure she'll want to go for walks and push the stroller, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP, as a step child on both sides since i was five, your on the right track just by seeking advice and obviously having compassion for your step-daughter. When you are a step kid their is a vast difference between being scolded or even positively, "parented" by someone who is not your mom or dad. When your parents yell at you you inherently know they still love you. With step parents not so. Its hard, be sensative. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Do not try to be her best friend and under no circumstances try to act like her mother. Right or wrong. In her 7-yr old mind, you are the reason her parents are no longer together. I had a step mother who rivaled cinderella's and snow white's SM. all children have a huge capacity for reveiving and giving love. If you encourage ot sje will come to love her
Iittle brother. She is a little girl whose world has been torn apart and she meeds to know that she is as important to her father, and you, as the step brother. Good luck to all of you and I hope you have a wonderful summer.