advice for a new step-mom

[Anonymous]

OP I'm the "hope that's not a dig at mom" poster. It sounds like you're aware that your DSD has arrived at her current behavioral standards via both her mom and dad. Good awareness on your part, but a shame for the girl....in my experience poorly behaved kids are not happy kids. Above posters have suggested therapists that specialize in blended families. This is excellent advice. I grew up in a blended family and the best thing I can offer is that this is a loooong process you're about to embark on. I sympathize that you're the mom of an infant; you're at the start of your own parenting journey and deserve all the joy that comes with it. But recognize that when you choose to marry into a family with kids that you unfortunately become a part of this complex process of healing the originally fractured family (don't get me wrong, some family situations need to break up or change, but kids still see it as fractured). A few other thoughts:

- You are not DSD's primary disciplinarian. Don't get pressured into this role by DH, either directly or indirectly if he allows bad behavior. If she eats with her hands at the table and he does nothing, you and he are having a talk later. This will be painful. It may become a bigger issue in your marriage that you anticipate.

- Vocalize the importance of DSD's role with her dad. "Hey Larla! Baby Aiden and I are going for a walk so you and your dad get some dad/daughter time. Have fun!", then go. My stepmom said these words out loud frequently and it meant the world, despite the fact that we never got along.

- Don't allow previously established family dynamics to rob you and DH of your joy with your new baby. This is time you won't get back and you both deserve every bit of this new happiness. It will be tough for Larla but baby Aiden has an important place in the family too.

- Don't ever, ever trash DSD's bio mom, even in the slightest. I remember my stepmom's efforts at establishing Dad/daughter time, but I also remember her mocking my mom for making my sister and me beans and rice for lunch one day, as she thought it was "low class". It put the first of many nails in the coffin of our relationship.

Good luck, it's a marathon, not a sprint, as they say. Fwiw, the whole crew (all the parents and their partners) attended each milestone (graduations, childbirth) my sister and I had, so we came through it fine. Best to you guys.

[Anonymous]

As another PP said, professional help is needed and immediately both individual and, hopefully, group with all of you, including her mother. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

As another PP said, professional help is needed and immediately both individual and, hopefully, group with all of you, including her mother. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I will definitely read the other thread & Stepmonster. I have a stepdad myself so I get that it's a different relationship. It took me a very long time to consider him family. I get that this is a big transition, but she adores her dad & they have frequent visits, so it's not the case that she's with a dad she hardly knows. Dad asks if she wants to call or Skype mom, but she's doesn't care to. This makes me think that she's not acting out, but that she has been raised by wolves (no manners, character, morals). And, yes, tha is a dig on both of her parents. Her behavior is out of control. Smacking, finger licking, eating for with her hands, yelling, bullying friends, lying about all kinds of stuff every day, playing with her little brother like he's a doll, lifting him up in the air & carrying him carelessly, etc. I repeat myself all the time. Have you washed you hands after using the bathroom? Please chew with your mouth closed & use utensils. When you don't tell me the truth it's hard to trust you. If you're going to hold your brother, you have to sit down and hold him on your lap. Etc. etc. I try to have fun it this is exasperating. Love her? Have compassion? I'm tryin to make sure she doesn't drop my son on his head & I don't wring her neck. I praise when she does a good job & implements something (good job sharing, thank you for picking up your plate). I try to play games & color & do fun things, but I honestly can't stand her. Harsh, but true. And I seriously wonder, who is this man I married? He has so e rough edges, but I never imagined that he would allow his daughter to act in such a manner. He literally said nothing as she ate chicken breast with her hands tonight. This feels impossible.

Some of this behavior is normal 7 yr old behavior.

If she has no regular interaction wi infants or toddlers - yes, you have to supervise her and teach her how to interact and there will still be times she is too rough.

Lying - depends on situation if its really lying or just kids exaggerating. It happens. My DDs friends all do it.

Adjust your expectations. She is herself a little kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this will sound corny, but have you tried loving her?

You cannot love her like her mom can, but you know-- her mom cannot love her like you can, because she is not a step mom. You have a love that you can give her as a step mom, and she has love that she can give you as a step daughter that your real daughter will never be able to give you.

Ack! Pushed the send button too soon! Was trying to say -- try to take advantage of the special relationship you two have.

Exactly. I'm not a step mom but a step daughter. I adore my step mom and I can talk to her about anything since she is not my mom or my dad but she is still a parent and a mom. Get on her level. Treat her like an adult but give her a break - within reason.

[Anonymous]

Short term advice: please try to let go of everything except keeping your marriage intact and your infant safe. Nothing else about your stepdaughter really matters right now. You have a guest in your home who has bad manners and eats like a barbarian. Accept it for now and focus on the absolute must haves: you must have a safe environment hit your infant. She must not treat him like a doll. He is breakable.

Focus on that and only that with her. You can't re-parent her this summer. Try to let her bad manners be like background noise. Let DH handle her as much as possible, or not. Focus on your boy and on strengthening your bond with DH.

I know know know this is hard...I'm a teacher and refraining from constantly redirecting and correcting my DSD takes huge effort. But DH and I have a son together who needs our marriage intact, and I am not her mom. The better I am as a patent to our son, the more DH realizes what he could and should have been doing with DSD. But I can 't come in and try to reparent his kid the way I would have parented her.

[Anonymous]

Smacking, finger licking, eating for with her hands, yelling, bullying friends, lying about all kinds of stuff every day, playing with her little brother like he's a doll, lifting him up in the air & carrying him carelessly, etc. I

The only one of these that is your concern is the part relating to your child. Her manners sound terrible but if her parents are not going to teach her then your admonishment a will not help.

[Anonymous]

to the PP who suggested treating her like an adult, she is a 7-yr old out of control brat who needs someone to teach her discipline.

[Anonymous]

I pray every day that my kids will never be in the situation your step daughter is in. I know it's hard for you too OP, not minimizing that but kids needed to be treated with love always, even when they are behaving badly.

[Anonymous]

She is 7, OP. Seven. The fact that you can say you can't stand a 7 year old says more about you than it does about her and, trust me, it says nothing good about you.

Get some family therapy and try to be less disappointed that she isn't yet the perfect child you expected her to be.

Eating chicken with your hands isn't the worst thing in the world. It doesn't even rate. Step up, mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Short term advice: please try to let go of everything except keeping your marriage intact and your infant safe. Nothing else about your stepdaughter really matters right now. You have a guest in your home who has bad manners and eats like a barbarian. Accept it for now and focus on the absolute must haves: you must have a safe environment hit your infant. She must not treat him like a doll. He is breakable.

Focus on that and only that with her. You can't re-parent her this summer. Try to let her bad manners be like background noise. Let DH handle her as much as possible, or not. Focus on your boy and on strengthening your bond with DH.

I know know know this is hard...I'm a teacher and refraining from constantly redirecting and correcting my DSD takes huge effort. But DH and I have a son together who needs our marriage intact, and I am not her mom. The better I am as a patent to our son, the more DH realizes what he could and should have been doing with DSD. But I can 't come in and try to reparent his kid the way I would have parented her.

OP here. This is very helpful. Thank you.