advice for a new step-mom

[Anonymous]

This isn't just a step mom thing, but more of a mom with several kids things.

Make a point, once a day, to say something to your infant son like "Hold on sweety, you need to wait a minute. It's time for our big girl. When we are finished with her, it will be your turn."

I recommend doing this when your baby is showing he neds attention, but before her gets really upset.

While he won't understand what you are talking about, the older child will, and this will make a difference.

She is going into a situation where she will be told often to be quiet because the baby is sleeping, or to wait because the baby needs her.

Let her know that she is important to you by telling the baby he needs to wait for her too.

This simple trick will go a long way to cultivating a good sibling relationship and hopefully cut back on some of the resentment towards the baby. Very likely, your step daughter will start telling you to take care of the baby first. When she does, hug her, heap praise on her, tell her what a wonderful, caring big sister she is, etc.

[Anonymous]

DEFINITELY read Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin. It will show you how important it is for the two of you to be on the same page. Good luck - it's a difficult job at best.

[Anonymous]

OP here. This has been really tough so far. This girl appears to have been raised by wolves. She doesn't eat meals (only what she wants); she doesn't pick up after herself; she doesn't share; she lies; she yells in the house; etc. We visited with my parents and they literally told me they won't visit again if she's in town. My DH says he wants her to live with us PERMANENTLY. I hope & pray that never happens. Even still, there are still summers & vacations. What do I do?? I've tried to pick my battles & focus only on things that affect me, e.g., yelling in the house, but not refusing to eat what's for dinner. But the lying? The refusing to share? The being mean to friends? The always wanting things her way? She is a spoiled brat & I seriously can't take it. OK, vent over. If you have some suggestions, I surely would appreciate them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This has been really tough so far. This girl appears to have been raised by wolves. She doesn't eat meals (only what she wants); she doesn't pick up after herself; she doesn't share; she lies; she yells in the house; etc. We visited with my parents and they literally told me they won't visit again if she's in town. My DH says he wants her to live with us PERMANENTLY. I hope & pray that never happens. Even still, there are still summers & vacations. What do I do?? I've tried to pick my battles & focus only on things that affect me, e.g., yelling in the house, but not refusing to eat what's for dinner. But the lying? The refusing to share? The being mean to friends? The always wanting things her way? She is a spoiled brat & I seriously can't take it. OK, vent over. If you have some suggestions, I surely would appreciate them.

I don't believe this is OP....in previous postings you did not mention having this kind of behaviour from the child

[Anonymous]

Maybe she misses her mom. What have you done and how did you welcome her OP? Did you follow suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This has been really tough so far. This girl appears to have been raised by wolves. She doesn't eat meals (only what she wants); she doesn't pick up after herself; she doesn't share; she lies; she yells in the house; etc. We visited with my parents and they literally told me they won't visit again if she's in town. My DH says he wants her to live with us PERMANENTLY. I hope & pray that never happens. Even still, there are still summers & vacations. What do I do?? I've tried to pick my battles & focus only on things that affect me, e.g., yelling in the house, but not refusing to eat what's for dinner. But the lying? The refusing to share? The being mean to friends? The always wanting things her way? She is a spoiled brat & I seriously can't take it. OK, vent over. If you have some suggestions, I surely would appreciate them.

Again, urging you to read Stepmonster. It will keep you same.

I know it sounds crazy, but having her live with you full time might help her behavior; that is, if you and DH can be on the same page. But since he is overindulgent, it's going to be tough. Stepmonster has lots of examples of this, with some couples who successfully navigated the change and some who didn't.

My DSD moved in with us full time a couple of months ago and it has been pretty bad. Our circumstances are different - dhe's
19 and we have an infant - but like yours, mine is not used to any kind of rules or boundaries and she hates it, so she's moving in with her mom soon. We didn't have much in the way of rules---no drugs, no overnights with boyfriends, clean up after yourself, and let us know if you're not coming home. We also ask her to with be home or let us know if she'll be rating overnight somewhere else by 11pm on work nights. Since I have an infant, I have also asked that she have no overnight guests for the first couple of months that the baby is home, b:c I'm up all hours of the night nursing and don't want to encounter a stranger as I'm in my bra, half asleep. During the time she's been here she hasn't helped around the house at all, changed a diaper, or taken a bottle feeding. But I'm happy when she holds the baby because I want them to have a relationship. Unfortunately, she's going back to her mom.

The saving grace through all this upheaval is that DH and I have stayed pretty much on the same page. That's key. Good luck to you!!!

[Anonymous]

How is your DH responding to her?

Are the two of you at all on the same page?

If he is indulging her and being lenient (and that is also what she is used to at her moms) then there isn't much you can do.

[Anonymous]

I know this will sound corny, but have you tried loving her?

You cannot love her like her mom can, but you know-- her mom cannot love her like you can, because she is not a step mom. You have a love that you can give her as a step mom, and she has love that she can give you as a step daughter that your real daughter will never be able to give you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this will sound corny, but have you tried loving her?

You cannot love her like her mom can, but you know-- her mom cannot love her like you can, because she is not a step mom. You have a love that you can give her as a step mom, and she has love that she can give you as a step daughter that your real daughter will never be able to give you.

Ack! Pushed the send button too soon! Was trying to say -- try to take advantage of the special relationship you two have.

[Anonymous]

OP here. This has been really tough so far. This girl appears to have been raised by wolves. She doesn't eat meals (only what she wants); she doesn't pick up after herself; she doesn't share; she lies; she yells in the house; etc.

According to you your DH doesn't enforce rules/routines either. I hope your references above aren't a dig at child's mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she misses her mom. What have you done and how did you welcome her OP? Did you follow suggestions?

Of course she does. She's likely scared out of her mind to be suddenly without her mom, visiting a dad she barely knows. Maybe she is acting terrible in hope you will send her home.
For goodness sakes, stop worrying about what the heck she is eating. If she eats junk for a few days, it doesn't matter. Food is one of the ony things in her life right now that she can control.

[Anonymous]

OP.. please read the topic titled "Am I wrong?" under general parenting discussions.

This'll give you an idea of what NOT to do with your stepdaughter.

[Anonymous]

Think about things from her perspective. This is an incredibly difficult and confusing time for her. As a child, I didn't understand th reasons for my parents divorce and blamed myself for it. I also held out hope they'd figure things out and end up back together, but seeing my step-mom and step-dads was a visual answer to that hopeful question. It was difficult to process.

I also felt that I must have been a mistake if my parents weren't supposed to have been together. I was sad, angry, and hurt. It sounds like it might not be the case here, but my issues were exacerbated as my step-mom moved into my mom's physical space in the house. I had a breakdown when I saw her clothes lined up in my mom's closet. My dad and stepmom didn't see what the big deal was... Where was she supposed to keep her clothes? It was just very difficult for me to process.

My step-dad is closer to me than my step-mom is today. I think it partially because he let me come to him. He understood and tried to make things comfortable for me, but he never tried too hard or asked to go shopping or out golfing with me. My step-mom wanted to get nails done together, etc. but it just felt forced and a bit too much too quickly. For me, it was not only allowing this new person into my life, but also considering what my life was like and making sense of the separation/divorce.

I'm not sure if this is helpful or not, but I just really think the more you can put yourself into her shoes the better you will be able to react to and understand the situation. She is undoubtedly a sad little girl forced to grapple with questions and unrstandings she shouldn't have to at this age. I think it is important to have compassion for that.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I will definitely read the other thread & Stepmonster. I have a stepdad myself so I get that it's a different relationship. It took me a very long time to consider him family. I get that this is a big transition, but she adores her dad & they have frequent visits, so it's not the case that she's with a dad she hardly knows. Dad asks if she wants to call or Skype mom, but she's doesn't care to. This makes me think that she's not acting out, but that she has been raised by wolves (no manners, character, morals). And, yes, tha is a dig on both of her parents. Her behavior is out of control. Smacking, finger licking, eating for with her hands, yelling, bullying friends, lying about all kinds of stuff every day, playing with her little brother like he's a doll, lifting him up in the air & carrying him carelessly, etc. I repeat myself all the time. Have you washed you hands after using the bathroom? Please chew with your mouth closed & use utensils. When you don't tell me the truth it's hard to trust you. If you're going to hold your brother, you have to sit down and hold him on your lap. Etc. etc. I try to have fun it this is exasperating. Love her? Have compassion? I'm tryin to make sure she doesn't drop my son on his head & I don't wring her neck. I praise when she does a good job & implements something (good job sharing, thank you for picking up your plate). I try to play games & color & do fun things, but I honestly can't stand her. Harsh, but true. And I seriously wonder, who is this man I married? He has so e rough edges, but I never imagined that he would allow his daughter to act in such a manner. He literally said nothing as she ate chicken breast with her hands tonight. This feels impossible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I will definitely read the other thread & Stepmonster. I have a stepdad myself so I get that it's a different relationship. It took me a very long time to consider him family. I get that this is a big transition, but she adores her dad & they have frequent visits, so it's not the case that she's with a dad she hardly knows. Dad asks if she wants to call or Skype mom, but she's doesn't care to. This makes me think that she's not acting out, but that she has been raised by wolves (no manners, character, morals). And, yes, tha is a dig on both of her parents. Her behavior is out of control. Smacking, finger licking, eating for with her hands, yelling, bullying friends, lying about all kinds of stuff every day, playing with her little brother like he's a doll, lifting him up in the air & carrying him carelessly, etc. I repeat myself all the time. Have you washed you hands after using the bathroom? Please chew with your mouth closed & use utensils. When you don't tell me the truth it's hard to trust you. If you're going to hold your brother, you have to sit down and hold him on your lap. Etc. etc. I try to have fun it this is exasperating. Love her? Have compassion? I'm tryin to make sure she doesn't drop my son on his head & I don't wring her neck. I praise when she does a good job & implements something (good job sharing, thank you for picking up your plate). I try to play games & color & do fun things, but I honestly can't stand her. Harsh, but true. And I seriously wonder, who is this man I married? He has so e rough edges, but I never imagined that he would allow his daughter to act in such a manner. He literally said nothing as she ate chicken breast with her hands tonight. This feels impossible.

OP, judging from this post I think you need more help than we can give you. Find a therapist who is trained in family systems and working with blended families. I will tell you one thing -- this situation will improve when your DH and you get on the same page. Good luck.