Better for kids to stay in roommate marriage with DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the kids growing up in a zero affection marriage household is remotely healthy. Agree it's modeling a bad marriage for them, even if it's not a toxic one. It will still mess them up significantly.

So separate households and shuffling the kids back and forth is better?

Sometimes I just can’t with you people.

For some reason when I come to this thread, I keep hearing every single Everclear song about divorce in my head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the rude PP.
I'm not sure what's better for you - but financially and for kid logistics, I think it's better if you stay together. Was there or is there infidelity? Could you both find some form of love again?

This.

And before you throw in the towel completely try a Gottman based therapist, it is research based. Also, treat any underlying mental health issues: anxiety, ADD, bipolar, etc.

https://www.gottman.com/about/the-gottman-method/

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

It’s definitely better for kids in all situations for parents to stay married and research bears this out over and over. People still justify putting their own happiness over their children’s future all the time.

[Anonymous]

The hard answer, that you don't want to hear, is that its better for the kids to live in one house.

It just is.

And if you and your husband can be cordial to each other, and live separate but overlapping lives, that is 100% best for the kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband grew up in scenario 1 and I think it's really damaged him. He doesnt know how to show affection, he shuts down during even the tiniest conflict. He's told me multiple times he wished they'd just divorced.

As much as you think its "low conflict" and "zero fighting" doesnt usually pan out.

I get it but divorce certainly does not guarantee that they will observe a healthy affectionate relationship

Right. He's comparing it to some unknown alternative.

Nobody is saying that scenario 1 is actually good. We're just saying its better that scenario 2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s definitely better for kids in all situations for parents to stay married and research bears this out over and over. People still justify putting their own happiness over their children’s future all the time.

It’s not better for the kids if it’s a high conflict environment. When I was getting divorced, I read that in many places (sorry don’t have citations in front of me). For OP , it probably does make more sense to stay together for kids sake since they don’t fight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s definitely better for kids in all situations for parents to stay married and research bears this out over and over. People still justify putting their own happiness over their children’s future all the time.

👏 👏 👏 👏
<louder for the people in the back>

[Anonymous]

I think it is what it is

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I’ve read is kids do fine in households with low conflict unhappy marriages.

I don’t have time to look up citations but I have read about it (Google?). For example: https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-2001-jul-09-cl-20178-story.html

I remember reading about a similar study, but done years later than this one cited. Same outcome as this one. So there is some data out there about the differences between high and low conflict marriages and children. Unfortunately I don’t remember enough about the study to find it.

I was a kid whose parents divorced after a high conflict marriage. It was a relief to finally have stability in our home. So when I read that study years ago, it definitely felt like it rang true to me.

[Anonymous]

Factors that you need to consider include the much higher likelihood that children of divorce will be abused, children of two-parent HHs are much more likely to flourish, and financial considerations. Most divorcees say they wish they had worked harder to save the marriage

Of course, emotional or physical abuse is a huge consideration but that doesn’t sound like it applies in your case.

When did this distance happen? If it happened after having kids, then it might be possible to repair.

I do think in this country there’s a rush to divorce if your life is not the idealized version you see in the movies. Other cultures are more practical and do not operate that way, and it’s worked out for better or worse.

I don’t have citations off the top of my head but you can do internet search to confirm.

[Anonymous]

The kids will do best in one stable home with two parents who love them and aren't fighting. The kids will not be affected by the parents having or not having passionate sex twice a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were the kid, #1 for sure so I don't have to move back and forth every week plus deal with mom and dad's new relationship drama.

Also, do you have the financial means for 2 or would life change drastically? You need to be clear-eyed about the financial impact of 2 for you and them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kids will do best in one stable home with two parents who love them and aren't fighting. The kids will not be affected by the parents having or not having passionate sex twice a week.

This. Remember, divorcing does mean just replacing one stable home with two stable homes but replacing one stable home with two likely unstable homes as the kids now have to deal with their now single parents' future various romantic partners which introduce a lot of turmoil and potential for abuse.

[Anonymous]

You could reduce shootings by 90% in this country by refusing the 2a to broken home kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband grew up in scenario 1 and I think it's really damaged him. He doesnt know how to show affection, he shuts down during even the tiniest conflict. He's told me multiple times he wished they'd just divorced.

As much as you think its "low conflict" and "zero fighting" doesnt usually pan out.

I get it but divorce certainly does not guarantee that they will observe a healthy affectionate relationship

*shrug* he's in therapy and that is one thing they discuss.

I think people just overestimate how "low conflict" they are, and kids definitely pick up on these things.

This. My parents were in a “low conflict” marriage where my mom said disparaging passive aggressive this about my dad constantly and my dad stayed very late at work and acted passive aggressively towards my mom by spending money my parents didn’t have. There was not lots of yelling and fighting but it was tense and was by no means normal-seeming. Around 4th grade my dad stopped going to holiday gatherings with my mom’s family so we would go without him, sometimes spending Christmas and other holidays without him. That was hard. My parents slept in different rooms starting around 4th grade too. I stopped having friends over for sleepovers because I found it embarrassing. When my sister and I were 16 we actually asked our parents to consider divorce. There relationship was so broken and destructive. They were angry and depressed.

I have been married for six years and have three kids and I feel like my marriage is strong but I have had to do a lot of work to get here. I did not see a healthy relationship modeled. I did not know how to deal with conflict (shut down? walk away? say something nasty? summer?). I understand most people can’t divorce and sometimes it’s not so bad. But if you are creating a lot of stress and tension for your kids try to address that. Speak to the reality of the situation instead of pretending it is all normal.