Better for kids to stay in roommate marriage with DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know about research, but from my own experience, yes, it is better for your kids for you to stay in your low conflict (and low affection) marriage. Frankly, your affection level doesn’t make much difference to your kids. They would much rather that, that dealing with your boyfriends/dad’s new girlfriends, babysitters regularly so you can date, having much of your attention funneled into online dating, and then there’s the boyfriend’s kids..

When you decide to have children, you owe them a stable life. They should have to deal with your love life BS because you find your marriage low affection. Get your freak on when they go off to college.

+1000

I love how all of these “oh my parents lack of affection was SO TRAUMATIZING” posters think having the kids bounce back and forth between homes, deal with a parents new love interest, a potential new marriage and all the crap an associated blended family brings, is the better alternative.

Marriage is hard. That feeling of constant skyrockets and butterflies in the stomach is long gone for most people. You enter into a marriage for the long haul. Think about your kids - not your lack of spark with your spouse. It’s pathetic.

OP is thinking about the kids. It's OP's therapist who isn't.

I vote OP gets a new therapist.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am wondering if there is any research on the question of what is better for kids:

(1) seeing parents in a low conflict, but low interaction and zero affection marriage (basically living separate lives under one roof, but with zero fighting); or

(2) a low conflict divorce.

I am currently living in situation (1) purely for the benefit of my kids. I am in individual therapy and my therapist didn’t seem convinced that this IS necessarily better for them than a low conflict divorce.

I am not aware of any research or expert opinions on this specific question and wondering if anyone else is?

As a child of divorce, I still think it would have been better for the family if my parents had stuck it out in (1), for the simple reason that I didn’t like living between two separate residences. This is a big part of why I stay.

How can it be good for a child to be in a setting where the parents essentially hate each other. At some point and, probably often, one of you will explode. It's an unnatural way to live.

Your children never see affection or love with their parents. In my opinion, this is a truly stupid idea. Get a divorce and this way both of you have the freedom to find love again.

Kids can stay in house and you and ex can switch off staying at house

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thank you for the replies.

For clarity, this is WAY beyond a situation where we’ve simply moved past the lust stage or lack butterflies. When I say there is no conflict, what I mean is the kids do not see us fighting. There are massive amounts of dysfunction in our relationship. Even though we don’t fight, there is still a lot of toxicity that is only getting worse over time and I do feel overwhelming resentment and disappointment in DH.

We have tried going to couples counseling multiple times over multiple years. It did not help us.

I don’t know where we go from here. But wanted to clarify this is way beyond a situation of me yearning for more romance or something.

[Anonymous]

I’d wager at least half of married people are staying together for the kids. Some of those couples are working hard on their marriage… also for the benefit of the kids, since they would have given up long ago otherwise. That’s us.

I don’t think there’s a right answer for you to find. There are trade offs no matter what decision you make. What I realized is even if I ended it, DH would still be in my life as the father of my kids. And existing challenges would be replaced with new challenges. Challenges which would impact the kids just as much as us, probably more since they’re still developing.

I don’t care about “finding love” again. Honestly that seems a bit immature to me. What I need is mutual respect and a friendship (with benefits) with my partner with a focus on doing the best we can for our kids. If there were abuse or drugs or something major I would not stay, but that’s not the case.

I wish you the best!

I honestly see life in seasons, of which this is one. My priority is my children and I’m committing to being with my DH at least until they’re adults. I hope as we continue to work on our relationship that we’ll want to stay together at that point, but if we don’t, I’ll feel a lot better about parting ways then.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don’t know how bad your situation is, but are you and DH at least friendly/civil towards one another? My parents stayed together at least 10 years past the expiration date of their marriage. Ill be honest: their eventual separation was a relief to me and my sibling. Forget lack of affection, we never did anything together as a family - no dinners, movie nights, outings, trips - nothing. They didn’t even sit together at school functions (even when older sibling graduated high school). Sure, there wasn’t much fighting - easy because they almost never spoke to each other. Literally one of them would walk into the house and not address the other. If you are living like this, don’t even worry about pulling the rug from beneath your kids or that they’ll think their childhood was a lie. They recognize the dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

Yes it’s better for your kids if you stick it out.

There is a tummy research showing that it’s the kids of low conflict marriages who care worst upon divorce because of the shock factor, whereas in a turbulent marriage, divorce can sadly be a relief for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you for the replies.

For clarity, this is WAY beyond a situation where we’ve simply moved past the lust stage or lack butterflies. When I say there is no conflict, what I mean is the kids do not see us fighting. There are massive amounts of dysfunction in our relationship. Even though we don’t fight, there is still a lot of toxicity that is only getting worse over time and I do feel overwhelming resentment and disappointment in DH.

We have tried going to couples counseling multiple times over multiple years. It did not help us.

I don’t know where we go from here. But wanted to clarify this is way beyond a situation of me yearning for more romance or something.

I think the main thing is to really think about just how much hostility is seeping out. Because that isn’t “low conflict” even if you are not yelling at each other.

[Anonymous]

Finding love again should not be considered immature. With an existing partner, it’s true that you won’t replicate the chemical new relationship butterflies stage. But it’s not immature—if you value it—to work to rekindle romance and affection and being “in love” with your partner. You and your partner might decide—together—you value other things you want to nurture. But this domain isn’t per se immature.

Anonymous wrote:I’d wager at least half of married people are staying together for the kids. Some of those couples are working hard on their marriage… also for the benefit of the kids, since they would have given up long ago otherwise. That’s us.

I don’t think there’s a right answer for you to find. There are trade offs no matter what decision you make. What I realized is even if I ended it, DH would still be in my life as the father of my kids. And existing challenges would be replaced with new challenges. Challenges which would impact the kids just as much as us, probably more since they’re still developing.

I don’t care about “finding love” again. Honestly that seems a bit immature to me. What I need is mutual respect and a friendship (with benefits) with my partner with a focus on doing the best we can for our kids. If there were abuse or drugs or something major I would not stay, but that’s not the case.

I wish you the best!

I honestly see life in seasons, of which this is one. My priority is my children and I’m committing to being with my DH at least until they’re adults. I hope as we continue to work on our relationship that we’ll want to stay together at that point, but if we don’t, I’ll feel a lot better about parting ways then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you for the replies.

For clarity, this is WAY beyond a situation where we’ve simply moved past the lust stage or lack butterflies. When I say there is no conflict, what I mean is the kids do not see us fighting. There are massive amounts of dysfunction in our relationship. Even though we don’t fight, there is still a lot of toxicity that is only getting worse over time and I do feel overwhelming resentment and disappointment in DH.

We have tried going to couples counseling multiple times over multiple years. It did not help us.

I don’t know where we go from here. But wanted to clarify this is way beyond a situation of me yearning for more romance or something.

I think the main thing is to really think about just how much hostility is seeping out. Because that isn’t “low conflict” even if you are not yelling at each other.

When dysfunction is normalized it also creates more dysfunction. It isolates you and your children. I said I didn’t have friends over because I was embarrassed. I felt isolated because my parents kept pretending everything was normal while sleeping in separate rooms, being passive aggressive to one another, and at the same time telling me and my sibling they felt trapped in the dynamic and it was basically our fault because they were together for us. It felt very unstable and chaotic and caused a lot of emotional damage. My parents are separated now and have been for almost two decades, but not divorced. Yet my mom also tells my kids she is married to their grandfather who lives in a different state and who she refuses to see in person or spend time with (they won’t spend holidays together). I wish she would just say they weren’t together or something to that effect because it is very confusing for them. All this to say that I’m sorry about your situation, OP. There is not a good answer. I would try to prioritize therapy for all of you including the kids.

[Anonymous]

There’s the book the Two Parent Privilege by Melissa Kearney that might offer the kind of info you’re looking for

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for all the replies. I’m specifically wondering if there are any studies or experts that speak to this-does anyone know?

Not super interested in everyone’s opinion on what I should do

The most important is to not make your kids be your therapist.

[Anonymous]

There’s also a book called the A General Theory On Crime that cites a lot of data and statistics. Spoiler alert: the percentage of one-parent households in a community is the most powerful predictor of crime rates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you for the replies.

For clarity, this is WAY beyond a situation where we’ve simply moved past the lust stage or lack butterflies. When I say there is no conflict, what I mean is the kids do not see us fighting. There are massive amounts of dysfunction in our relationship. Even though we don’t fight, there is still a lot of toxicity that is only getting worse over time and I do feel overwhelming resentment and disappointment in DH.

We have tried going to couples counseling multiple times over multiple years. It did not help us.

I don’t know where we go from here. But wanted to clarify this is way beyond a situation of me yearning for more romance or something.

Clearly you’re looking for a justification that will allow you to overcome your guilt in crapping on your kids by divorcing.

If you want to do what’s best for the kids, you stay together and both of you put in some effort to fix your toxic selves. Anything else is just selfishness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I’ve read is kids do fine in households with low conflict unhappy marriages.

I don’t have time to look up citations but I have read about it (Google?). For example: https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-2001-jul-09-cl-20178-story.html

There was at least one publicized study a decade or two ago. Think this is the basis of the article PP posted. But at this point, I had thought it is prevailing sentiment that kids do better when parents stay together provided it is a low conflict situation.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4240051/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Finding love again should not be considered immature. With an existing partner, it’s true that you won’t replicate the chemical new relationship butterflies stage. But it’s not immature—if you value it—to work to rekindle romance and affection and being “in love” with your partner. You and your partner might decide—together—you value other things you want to nurture. But this domain isn’t per se immature.

Anonymous wrote:I’d wager at least half of married people are staying together for the kids. Some of those couples are working hard on their marriage… also for the benefit of the kids, since they would have given up long ago otherwise. That’s us.

I don’t think there’s a right answer for you to find. There are trade offs no matter what decision you make. What I realized is even if I ended it, DH would still be in my life as the father of my kids. And existing challenges would be replaced with new challenges. Challenges which would impact the kids just as much as us, probably more since they’re still developing.

I don’t care about “finding love” again. Honestly that seems a bit immature to me. What I need is mutual respect and a friendship (with benefits) with my partner with a focus on doing the best we can for our kids. If there were abuse or drugs or something major I would not stay, but that’s not the case.

I wish you the best!

I honestly see life in seasons, of which this is one. My priority is my children and I’m committing to being with my DH at least until they’re adults. I hope as we continue to work on our relationship that we’ll want to stay together at that point, but if we don’t, I’ll feel a lot better about parting ways then.

Finding love again at the expense of your child living with both parents is immature.