Better for kids to stay in roommate marriage with DH?

[Anonymous]

What I’ve read is kids do fine in households with low conflict unhappy marriages.

I don’t have time to look up citations but I have read about it (Google?). For example: https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-2001-jul-09-cl-20178-story.html

[Anonymous]

When I was considering divorce, the books I read suggested staying together for the kids really is better.

But the real answer, I think, is “it depends.” Is it even remotely possible for your marriage to ever get better? Then stay. Is it REALLY low conflict, with no abuse/infidelity/addiction? Then you should probably stay. Do you have any love for DH hidden away in your heart, even if only as a father? Then probably stay.

Or is there a lot of resentment and sadness curdling under the surface, waiting for an explosion? 💥 That is the type of unhealthy relationship dynamic I think people want to avoid. The “roommate marriage” is just what people used to consider normal. It’s unusual for people to stay passionately in love forever, to have great sex forever, no matter what people on this forum say.

I decided that I love DH and want to make things work and it got much better. Not perfect but better.

[Anonymous]

My husband grew up in scenario 1 and I think it's really damaged him. He doesnt know how to show affection, he shuts down during even the tiniest conflict. He's told me multiple times he wished they'd just divorced.

As much as you think its "low conflict" and "zero fighting" doesnt usually pan out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband grew up in scenario 1 and I think it's really damaged him. He doesnt know how to show affection, he shuts down during even the tiniest conflict. He's told me multiple times he wished they'd just divorced.

As much as you think its "low conflict" and "zero fighting" doesnt usually pan out.

He prob won’t divorce you cuz his parents didn’t divorce. There’s a positive outcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband grew up in scenario 1 and I think it's really damaged him. He doesnt know how to show affection, he shuts down during even the tiniest conflict. He's told me multiple times he wished they'd just divorced.

As much as you think its "low conflict" and "zero fighting" doesnt usually pan out.

I get it but divorce certainly does not guarantee that they will observe a healthy affectionate relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for all the replies. I’m specifically wondering if there are any studies or experts that speak to this-does anyone know?

Not super interested in everyone’s opinion on what I should do

Studies are impossible to conduct well in this instance. You can’t do randomized controlled trials. Only rich people can afford divorce, and that money impacts outcomes in other ways. Measuring degree of conflict is just about impossible, and ignores whether there is an undercurrent of tension. Many “studies” will be funded or conducted by Christian groups who have a philosophical stake in encouraging marriage and discouraging divorce regardless of other outcomes.

I admire your desire to do well by your children, but science will be of limited help here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was considering divorce, the books I read suggested staying together for the kids really is better.

But the real answer, I think, is “it depends.” Is it even remotely possible for your marriage to ever get better? Then stay. Is it REALLY low conflict, with no abuse/infidelity/addiction? Then you should probably stay. Do you have any love for DH hidden away in your heart, even if only as a father? Then probably stay.

Or is there a lot of resentment and sadness curdling under the surface, waiting for an explosion? 💥 That is the type of unhealthy relationship dynamic I think people want to avoid. The “roommate marriage” is just what people used to consider normal. It’s unusual for people to stay passionately in love forever, to have great sex forever, no matter what people on this forum say.

I decided that I love DH and want to make things work and it got much better. Not perfect but better.

I think OP's specifically looking for the names of the books you read, then. That's what she said she came here for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband grew up in scenario 1 and I think it's really damaged him. He doesnt know how to show affection, he shuts down during even the tiniest conflict. He's told me multiple times he wished they'd just divorced.

As much as you think its "low conflict" and "zero fighting" doesnt usually pan out.

I get it but divorce certainly does not guarantee that they will observe a healthy affectionate relationship

*shrug* he's in therapy and that is one thing they discuss.

I think people just overestimate how "low conflict" they are, and kids definitely pick up on these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband grew up in scenario 1 and I think it's really damaged him. He doesnt know how to show affection, he shuts down during even the tiniest conflict. He's told me multiple times he wished they'd just divorced.

As much as you think its "low conflict" and "zero fighting" doesnt usually pan out.

I get it but divorce certainly does not guarantee that they will observe a healthy affectionate relationship

*shrug* he's in therapy and that is one thing they discuss.

I think people just overestimate how "low conflict" they are, and kids definitely pick up on these things.

DP. We all have baggage, right? A lot of people in unhealthy marriages would call themselves “happy” because honestly, people are not super self aware. My parents had a toxic marriage and divorce and that’s baggage I brought to my marriage, but DH’s parents aren’t divorced and he also had a lot of baggage from their relationship.

There has to come a point where you decide to move forward despite your past.

[Anonymous]

I don't think the kids growing up in a zero affection marriage household is remotely healthy. Agree it's modeling a bad marriage for them, even if it's not a toxic one. It will still mess them up significantly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the kids growing up in a zero affection marriage household is remotely healthy. Agree it's modeling a bad marriage for them, even if it's not a toxic one. It will still mess them up significantly.

False

[Anonymous]

OP I don’t think there’s a “right” answer here.

I’m also a child of divorce and am choosing a neutral platonic marriage over divorce because I believe it is better for my kids than the way I grew up, and continue to be impacted by my parents divorce. My parents divorce was amicable, but been over 40 years, and they’re still divorced. It’s still two different trips to take the kids to see my side of the family, for example.

I have no idea whether it would have been better for them to stay married, that isn’t what I’m saying, though I do remember wishing for that at least into my teens. But I know what divorce is, in very good circumstances, and I know what my marriage is for my kids, and I’m choosing my marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was considering divorce, the books I read suggested staying together for the kids really is better.

But the real answer, I think, is “it depends.” Is it even remotely possible for your marriage to ever get better? Then stay. Is it REALLY low conflict, with no abuse/infidelity/addiction? Then you should probably stay. Do you have any love for DH hidden away in your heart, even if only as a father? Then probably stay.

Or is there a lot of resentment and sadness curdling under the surface, waiting for an explosion? 💥 That is the type of unhealthy relationship dynamic I think people want to avoid. The “roommate marriage” is just what people used to consider normal. It’s unusual for people to stay passionately in love forever, to have great sex forever, no matter what people on this forum say.

I decided that I love DH and want to make things work and it got much better. Not perfect but better.

I think OP's specifically looking for the names of the books you read, then. That's what she said she came here for.

One that I remember is “What about the Kids?” By Judith Wallerstein. I liked this book a lot- it made it clear that divorce isn’t the end of the world but even the author conceded that a low conflict marriage is probably better for the kids.

[Anonymous]

I don't know of research about this but wouldn't want to show this as an example to my kids of what a marriage should look like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the kids growing up in a zero affection marriage household is remotely healthy. Agree it's modeling a bad marriage for them, even if it's not a toxic one. It will still mess them up significantly.

So separate households and shuffling the kids back and forth is better?

Sometimes I just can’t with you people.