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Initially, maybe. But that is because for 22 years she has gotten little true emotional support from her parents (who likely have childhood trauma from growing up in poverty that has stunted them emotionally). I do think she could eventually learn though. I grew up with similar parents and was very whiny at that age because I had so many unmet emotional needs and had absolutely no clue how to meet them myself, so I complained a lot. It's called "externalizing" because you lack the personal reserves to work through this stuff yourself. But OP asked how they can avoid this in the first place, and that's much easier than addressing it at 22. If you are emotionally supportive of your kids starting when hey are very young, you can naturally teach them emotional resilience and skills for working through emotional challenges so that they never get to the point as adults where the only tool they have for dealing with frustration, confusion, anger, or ambivalence is to complain. You start with little kids, allowing them to have feelings not shutting them down when the cry or get upset. You empathize with them, even with things that seem very small and unimportant to you, recognizing that to a 3 or 4 year old, it might feel like a very big thing. But you also stay calm when they get upset, so you are always modeling for them the idea that you can have big emotions, big reactions to things, but also you can stay clam and level headed and return to a place of practicality -- okay, how do we proceed? At first you have to teach them the tools for moving forward, for bringing rationality and productivity into problems so that you a solve them instead of wallowing in them. With time you let them do more of this themselves while you are just nearby, supporting and encouraging. Eventually you wind up with teens and young adults who can experience a set back like realizing they don't like their chosen profession, or feeling like Covid robbed them of a "normal" college experience, or feeling socially isolated and out of step with peers, and they can feel their justified anguish over these things, but also return to those skills of residence to work through them. Ideally also kids like this will be self-aware enough to avoid some of the worst mistakes, but people make mistakes and there are some things (like a global pandemic or your parents moving you across the country at the age of 16) that you might not have control over. People have to learn how to work through tough problems, but it's clear that this young woman's parents didn't do much to provide her with that education. You won't get it in school. I think it might be the biggest legacy I leave my own kids. They are resilient, practical people who might complain now and then but know how to figure it out and push through to make better or different choices. They are also very self aware and will often check themselves when they get whiny or start spiraling and realize, eh, they are just hungry or need to get more sleep, and then can tackle the problem again later with a better attitude. I did not have those skills AT ALL at 22 but my kids already have them as teenagers. I think it makes a huge difference. |
It's the family's money. No one tells a SAHM she is not entitled to her husband's money because well it's the family's money. Children's needs, preferences and experiences should be taken into account when making financial decisions. It's hard to go to the book fair with $20 when most of your schoolmates were given $100. Double hard if your parents can afford it. I get it most kids can't afford even the $20 but this boy is not surrounded by those kids. He may understand rationally that he has a better life than most yet feel awful on a day to day basis because on a day to day basis he is at the bottom of the pecking order. |
He is not though, he just feels that he is. And we absolutely do give him money. Just because someone buys $300 in shoes and clothes every week doesn’t mean we should be spending that on him. |
PP, you seem insufferable. You are definitely one of those annoying parents who believe in "gentle parenting" and validating your kids' emotions. Guess what? That shouldn't apply to posters like the one OP linked, or her sister, because these narcissists will just take, take, and take. If you give these children (and that's fundamentally what they are, kids, because regardless of their age they will never mature until they are invalidated) an inch, they WILL take a mile. This is why basically every kid I knew growing up who had "gentle parents" who "validated their emotions" ended up being insufferable, self-indulgent young adults. Pushing past your kids' emotions to make them choose reasonable decisions (whether it's forcing themselves through a lucrative but boring major, which BTW, I'm sure this poster will thank her parents for in a couple of years) and DISREGARD their emotions is the most valuable gift you can give them as an adult. I am glad that your kids have self awareness and are able to stop whining when they go down a negative spiral. But strict, tough-love parenting is the best way to produce such a result. Indulging in your kids' emotions is a one-way ticket to get them to navel-gaze and excessively ruminate on their emotions. |
Entitled self indulgent adults raise entitled self indulgent children. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
As an example, whenever my children introduce me to a friend who is great, I want to meet their parents because I know they will be great. Same goes if the kid is crappy. I don’t want to know their parents. There are a few exceptions to the rule of course, but this is the norm. |
Teach them personal responsibility and accountability for their choices. |
How do you know? |
Because he has more money to spend than a lot of kids. He gets an allowance and I pay for meals, gas, some clothes on top of it. He also works. He just doesn't like to ever spend any of "his" money, but he gets money from us too and also will in college. |
IME, this kind of parenting is a good way to produce compliant kids who follow all your rules until at some point they freak out, melt down, and spend the next 20 years in therapy trying to figure out why their parents hated them. It is not the best way to develop independent, confident, resilient kids unless by "independent" you mean "doesn't really speak to me anymore, recently blocked me on Facebook for some reason." But best of luck to you and your kids! |
I agree. And your mom sounds kind of mean, calling your sister names. |
I’m a PP who argued for flexible parenting depending on the kind of kid you have. I think some kids thrive on tough-love, some will do better with emotion-focused gentle parenting, etc. You can get miserable kids through any parenting style depending on the personality and interests of the kid. For example, the PP arguing that no one likes to be at the bottom of the pecking order/have money/etc. That attitude is alien to me — I don’t care or am proud of myself when I’m able to be happy on less money especially if it means I can save more so I’d be inclined to parent like the PP who feels like her son might be ungrateful. But the other PP who feels judged for being at the bottom of the pecking order has sympathy for the son and probably would do a better job parenting him through this issue because she gets it. I appreciate the perspectives shared because hopefully it’ll help me understand and sympathize with my kids (and be flexible) if they hit a point where they feel like I’m stingy. |
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Entitled adults raise children who become entitled adults. It's a vicious cycle. Parents who value the following typically raise children who have similar values: 1. Express gratitude toward others for their kindness, generosity, time, etc., not solely for material objects they give. 2. Expect children to earn money through additional chores, yard work, babysitting, etc. 3. Require that all members of the family contribute toward the function of the household. Everyone should have chores, Everyone should help with snow removal, yard maintenance, cleaning, etc. 4. Require community service of some sort from the time children are four or five years old. It could be as simple as picking up trash in the neighborhood, helping a neighbor spread mulch, delivering food to a food bank, or growing vegetables for the animals at a local farm. 5. Demonstrate that other people matter. 6. Do not ever talk "down" about anyone or any profession. 7. Have pets whose care is the responsibility of the child. 8. Value free and low-cost activities even if your family can afford more expensive choices. |
PP here. There are countless studies done on it, it's not an attitude it's simply human nature. We are at the top of the pecking order, statistically speaking, and yet i am careful not to put my children in a position where most of the kids they are surrounded by are 0.01%ers for example. |
I am the poster with the ungrateful kid. I said it before, but we are not at ALL in the environment you describe. We're definitely top half of earners where we are, if not higher, and it's not a wealthy town. |