How do parents avoid raising entitled, self-absorbed adults?

[Anonymous]

You are very judgmental, that's a recipe for disaster.

Good parenting is about being curious, attentive, empathetic and flexible in guiding the kid you've been handed and the circumstances life throws your way.

I have learned there is always a good reason why people act the way they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually don't know and struggle with this. Just has a huge talk with ds and dd just yesterday about money. I knew something was wrong, and finally got to the root of it: They think we are loaded and cheap, and ds especially is resentful, and jealous of his friends who get so much more. No amount of talking to him about how saving is important, talking about expenses in life like mortgage, emergency repair, a car breaking down, would convince him we are not in fact so loaded we should spend much more freely. He is very materialistic as well. We are not, I shop at Goodwill and TJ Maxx because that is what I like. He looks down on it. DD was entirely different in her approach and she got it. Her main concern is that she too can be too frugal and not spend her money. I went to bed thinking that dd was raised right, and ds wasn't. We're the same parents to both. I fear how he'll be as an adult.

Is he surrounded by people that either have more than you or spend a lot more than you? It's a tough situation for a kid to handle. He may be more sensitive than your daughter in picking up social cues and/or have a harder time dealing with big emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually don't know and struggle with this. Just has a huge talk with ds and dd just yesterday about money. I knew something was wrong, and finally got to the root of it: They think we are loaded and cheap, and ds especially is resentful, and jealous of his friends who get so much more. No amount of talking to him about how saving is important, talking about expenses in life like mortgage, emergency repair, a car breaking down, would convince him we are not in fact so loaded we should spend much more freely. He is very materialistic as well. We are not, I shop at Goodwill and TJ Maxx because that is what I like. He looks down on it. DD was entirely different in her approach and she got it. Her main concern is that she too can be too frugal and not spend her money. I went to bed thinking that dd was raised right, and ds wasn't. We're the same parents to both. I fear how he'll be as an adult.

Is he surrounded by people that either have more than you or spend a lot more than you? It's a tough situation for a kid to handle. He may be more sensitive than your daughter in picking up social cues and/or have a harder time dealing with big emotions.

I think we are making slightly more than a lot of people but also are younger and have different benefits so it’s hard to say. Our area is not ultra wealthy, homes all under 1 mil and that’s not ours which we paid half that for. Yes, I would say people spend more as a whole. He claims only his friends whose parents are much less well off have as little as he has, does not understand why we do not spend more. We do spend a lot to visit my family abroad and just has a ski trip this winter, mostly for his sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are very judgmental, that's a recipe for disaster.

Good parenting is about being curious, attentive, empathetic and flexible in guiding the kid you've been handed and the circumstances life throws your way.

I have learned there is always a good reason why people act the way they do.

This is so tiring. There are positive behaviors in life and non positive behaviors in life. We don't have to indulge all behaviors. The sister sounds very annoying to be around. It's reasonable how to ask how to help your kids avoid this problematic behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m just gonna say it. Trying to prevent what you see as an adverse outcome, you are already displaying a judgmental and negative attitude, which will just affect your kid in a different way. Life isn’t perfect. We need to stop trying to make it perfect.

I agree. The child in question had parents who tried to prevent the major challenge of their own pasts: poverty. And by doing that they caused new problems. Kids’ lives and futures are not about your own past. Not even about you at all.

How is it judgmental to not want your kid to be a whiny brat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was reading the Jobs and Careers forum when this question popped up:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1194239.page

TLDR: A 22 year-old girl from a wealthy family is bemoaning how "everyone in her life has abandoned her" because... She has the privilege of ending up with a Computer Science degree from an excellent college. But still, she can only focus on the negatives in her life and not the wonderful blessings she has!

My sister is like this; my mom calls her an "injustice collector" as she regularly comes to family gatherings and blathers on about how "abusive" my mom and dad were to her as a child (spoiler alert: there was no abuse at all). Because of her extreme sensitivity, inflexibility, selfishness, and lack of empathy, my sister has had a middling career and a divorce (with no kids).

How do I avoid raising such selfish, entitled kids? My parents mostly raised my sister and I the same way, and we ended up totally different. My biggest fear would be for my kids to end up as "injustice collectors" like my sister or the post in the Jobs Forum that I linked above.

Spoiler alert we found the golden child that perpetuates the family narrative. Compassion goes a long way. Look at life through her eyes without judgment. Is she a middle child?

[Anonymous]

Some of this is just temperament op, sadly. My spouse's sibling is the same despite their parents being wonderful people and my spouse being the same. Sibling's temperament/personality traits are from a grandparent along with their mental health issues (ADHD/anxiety) and it is just a combo that can make for a fairly difficult person.

So, some of this parenting stuff is luck. We like to think we have a lot more control than we do unfortunately. Of course you can make things better and worse by some of your parenting choices. But you can also do everything right and still have a kid who struggles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are very judgmental, that's a recipe for disaster.

Good parenting is about being curious, attentive, empathetic and flexible in guiding the kid you've been handed and the circumstances life throws your way.

I have learned there is always a good reason why people act the way they do.

This is so tiring. There are positive behaviors in life and non positive behaviors in life. We don't have to indulge all behaviors. The sister sounds very annoying to be around. It's reasonable how to ask how to help your kids avoid this problematic behavior.

It is tiring to people who have little mental flexibility and see things as black and white.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually don't know and struggle with this. Just has a huge talk with ds and dd just yesterday about money. I knew something was wrong, and finally got to the root of it: They think we are loaded and cheap, and ds especially is resentful, and jealous of his friends who get so much more. No amount of talking to him about how saving is important, talking about expenses in life like mortgage, emergency repair, a car breaking down, would convince him we are not in fact so loaded we should spend much more freely. He is very materialistic as well. We are not, I shop at Goodwill and TJ Maxx because that is what I like. He looks down on it. DD was entirely different in her approach and she got it. Her main concern is that she too can be too frugal and not spend her money. I went to bed thinking that dd was raised right, and ds wasn't. We're the same parents to both. I fear how he'll be as an adult.

Is he surrounded by people that either have more than you or spend a lot more than you? It's a tough situation for a kid to handle. He may be more sensitive than your daughter in picking up social cues and/or have a harder time dealing with big emotions.

I think we are making slightly more than a lot of people but also are younger and have different benefits so it’s hard to say. Our area is not ultra wealthy, homes all under 1 mil and that’s not ours which we paid half that for. Yes, I would say people spend more as a whole. He claims only his friends whose parents are much less well off have as little as he has, does not understand why we do not spend more. We do spend a lot to visit my family abroad and just has a ski trip this winter, mostly for his sake.

It's hard even for adults to cope with feeling like they are at the bottom of the social pecking order. Just look at this forum how many posts there are about comparing houses, vacations, cars, schools and feeling inadequate etc. In your son's case he feels like you are putting him at the bottom of the pecking order even though you have the means not to. I don't think you need to indulge him, but try to understand his feelings. At the end of the day he sees the majority of the adults that sorround him on a day to day basis approach money differently than you.

[Anonymous]

Move to some rural community and have them be as poor as dirt and study and work from dawn to dusk, but they still get a first-class education.
Best possible outcome. Oh, and you cook and clean and work all day with them, and no nannies, no take-out, make their own clothes.
They will watch you work so hard, which we know you will not do, and not turn into mini yous and mes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are very judgmental, that's a recipe for disaster.

Good parenting is about being curious, attentive, empathetic and flexible in guiding the kid you've been handed and the circumstances life throws your way.

I have learned there is always a good reason why people act the way they do.

This is so tiring. There are positive behaviors in life and non positive behaviors in life. We don't have to indulge all behaviors. The sister sounds very annoying to be around. It's reasonable how to ask how to help your kids avoid this problematic behavior.

It is tiring to people who have little mental flexibility and see things as black and white.

You are projecting and black and white. I'm sure OP cares about family members while also not wanting to raise a child with problematic behaviors. Even people who are this way don't want to hang out with each other. It's not an attractive behavior.

[Anonymous]

The teens in my family spent summers as counselors working with *severely* handicapped kids and other teens. Unpaid. It was not asked of us if we were interested in this type of work, it was an expectation. Certainly grounded us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound very judgmental yourself, in particular the disdain towards your sister. I'm sure your kids won't pick up on these character traits at all...

this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually don't know and struggle with this. Just has a huge talk with ds and dd just yesterday about money. I knew something was wrong, and finally got to the root of it: They think we are loaded and cheap, and ds especially is resentful, and jealous of his friends who get so much more. No amount of talking to him about how saving is important, talking about expenses in life like mortgage, emergency repair, a car breaking down, would convince him we are not in fact so loaded we should spend much more freely. He is very materialistic as well. We are not, I shop at Goodwill and TJ Maxx because that is what I like. He looks down on it. DD was entirely different in her approach and she got it. Her main concern is that she too can be too frugal and not spend her money. I went to bed thinking that dd was raised right, and ds wasn't. We're the same parents to both. I fear how he'll be as an adult.

Is he surrounded by people that either have more than you or spend a lot more than you? It's a tough situation for a kid to handle. He may be more sensitive than your daughter in picking up social cues and/or have a harder time dealing with big emotions.

I think we are making slightly more than a lot of people but also are younger and have different benefits so it’s hard to say. Our area is not ultra wealthy, homes all under 1 mil and that’s not ours which we paid half that for. Yes, I would say people spend more as a whole. He claims only his friends whose parents are much less well off have as little as he has, does not understand why we do not spend more. We do spend a lot to visit my family abroad and just has a ski trip this winter, mostly for his sake.

It's hard even for adults to cope with feeling like they are at the bottom of the social pecking order. Just look at this forum how many posts there are about comparing houses, vacations, cars, schools and feeling inadequate etc. In your son's case he feels like you are putting him at the bottom of the pecking order even though you have the means not to. I don't think you need to indulge him, but try to understand his feelings. At the end of the day he sees the majority of the adults that sorround him on a day to day basis approach money differently than you.

I personally don't find it hard at all because i like what I do have. I understand envy to some extent, but not to the extent of actually telling my parents I feel entitled to their money and they should spend more on me and I should spend my money differently and x and y way.

[Anonymous]

I think ultimately a lot of this comes down to individual personality.