How do parents avoid raising entitled, self-absorbed adults?

[Anonymous]

I was reading the Jobs and Careers forum when this question popped up:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1194239.page

TLDR: A 22 year-old girl from a wealthy family is bemoaning how "everyone in her life has abandoned her" because... She has the privilege of ending up with a Computer Science degree from an excellent college. But still, she can only focus on the negatives in her life and not the wonderful blessings she has!

My sister is like this; my mom calls her an "injustice collector" as she regularly comes to family gatherings and blathers on about how "abusive" my mom and dad were to her as a child (spoiler alert: there was no abuse at all). Because of her extreme sensitivity, inflexibility, selfishness, and lack of empathy, my sister has had a middling career and a divorce (with no kids).

How do I avoid raising such selfish, entitled kids? My parents mostly raised my sister and I the same way, and we ended up totally different. My biggest fear would be for my kids to end up as "injustice collectors" like my sister or the post in the Jobs Forum that I linked above.

[Anonymous]

Keep them off social media as long as possible.

Have them do something to help someone less fortunate every month.

Monitor their friends.

Teach them common sense.

Teach them to respect and honor their elders.

Teach them basic living and household skills like gardening, cooking, cleaning, budgeting, etc.

Limit screen time and focus on real life events.

Spend plenty of time together.

Model positive reactions to negative things.

Always show gratitude.

Don’t compare yourself to others

Teach the value of money from a young age.

Instill a love of learning.

Create an independent adult through direct parenting/helping you when they’re young.

Teach them to have conversations with people that don’t center on themselves.

Teach them to live in the moment and not worry about tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was reading the Jobs and Careers forum when this question popped up:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1194239.page

TLDR: A 22 year-old girl from a wealthy family is bemoaning how "everyone in her life has abandoned her" because... She has the privilege of ending up with a Computer Science degree from an excellent college. But still, she can only focus on the negatives in her life and not the wonderful blessings she has!

My sister is like this; my mom calls her an "injustice collector" as she regularly comes to family gatherings and blathers on about how "abusive" my mom and dad were to her as a child (spoiler alert: there was no abuse at all). Because of her extreme sensitivity, inflexibility, selfishness, and lack of empathy, my sister has had a middling career and a divorce (with no kids).

How do I avoid raising such selfish, entitled kids? My parents mostly raised my sister and I the same way, and we ended up totally different. My biggest fear would be for my kids to end up as "injustice collectors" like my sister or the post in the Jobs Forum that I linked above.

I think it's worth looking at what's making that poster unhappy. She's spent four years hopped up on drugs to earn a degree in a field she hates because her parents made her. She's got no friends, no hobbies, nothing she does to make her happy. I don't think her issue is that she's entitled, it's that her life is kind of miserable. You can't control your kid's life enough to make sure they don't end up feeling that way, but do what you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was reading the Jobs and Careers forum when this question popped up:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1194239.page

TLDR: A 22 year-old girl from a wealthy family is bemoaning how "everyone in her life has abandoned her" because... She has the privilege of ending up with a Computer Science degree from an excellent college. But still, she can only focus on the negatives in her life and not the wonderful blessings she has!

My sister is like this; my mom calls her an "injustice collector" as she regularly comes to family gatherings and blathers on about how "abusive" my mom and dad were to her as a child (spoiler alert: there was no abuse at all). Because of her extreme sensitivity, inflexibility, selfishness, and lack of empathy, my sister has had a middling career and a divorce (with no kids).

How do I avoid raising such selfish, entitled kids? My parents mostly raised my sister and I the same way, and we ended up totally different. My biggest fear would be for my kids to end up as "injustice collectors" like my sister or the post in the Jobs Forum that I linked above.

Don’t force your kids to major in a subject they can’t stand.

[Anonymous]

You sound very judgmental yourself, in particular the disdain towards your sister. I'm sure your kids won't pick up on these character traits at all...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound very judgmental yourself, in particular the disdain towards your sister. I'm sure your kids won't pick up on these character traits at all...

This is so tiring. There are positive behaviors in life and non positive behaviors in life. We don't have to indulge all behaviors. The sister sounds very annoying to be around. It's reasonable how to ask how to help your kids avoid this problematic behavior.

[Anonymous]

I am not sure you can control this. I think it's personality. Some people are complainers, and will always find something to complain about.

[Anonymous]

Be flexible with your parenting. Consider that how your parents raised you worked for you but obviously didn’t for your sister. I was probably raised not so differently than the kid in the thread you linked but I made a ton of friends in university and love computer science. There’s no right way and the right way for different kids will be different. So pay attention to the actual children you have and what they need rather than trying to stick to some kind of hard and fast rule of parenting. And model a pleasant, cheerful good attitude yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was reading the Jobs and Careers forum when this question popped up:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1194239.page

TLDR: A 22 year-old girl from a wealthy family is bemoaning how "everyone in her life has abandoned her" because... She has the privilege of ending up with a Computer Science degree from an excellent college. But still, she can only focus on the negatives in her life and not the wonderful blessings she has!

My sister is like this; my mom calls her an "injustice collector" as she regularly comes to family gatherings and blathers on about how "abusive" my mom and dad were to her as a child (spoiler alert: there was no abuse at all). Because of her extreme sensitivity, inflexibility, selfishness, and lack of empathy, my sister has had a middling career and a divorce (with no kids).

How do I avoid raising such selfish, entitled kids? My parents mostly raised my sister and I the same way, and we ended up totally different. My biggest fear would be for my kids to end up as "injustice collectors" like my sister or the post in the Jobs Forum that I linked above.

I think it's worth looking at what's making that poster unhappy. She's spent four years hopped up on drugs to earn a degree in a field she hates because her parents made her. She's got no friends, no hobbies, nothing she does to make her happy. I don't think her issue is that she's entitled, it's that her life is kind of miserable. You can't control your kid's life enough to make sure they don't end up feeling that way, but do what you can.

+1, there are a number of things about that OP's experience I have empathy for and are directly related to parental actions:

- Her parents moved across the country in the middle of her high school experience, destabilizing her social life right before she left for college. That's tough.

- Her parents pushed her into a major she has zero interest in based on earning potential, which both made her miserable during college and is setting her up to have zero enthusiasm for her career post college. She even has empathy for why her parents did this, understanding they fear her falling into the poverty they experienced as kids. But they were incorrect-- she would have been better off with a degree in a less lucrative but stable field she actually likes. This is someone who could be happy as a teacher, office administrator, medical technician, etc., all of which are stable, in demand careers her parents pushed her away from because they wanted her to be a "top earner."

- Her parents clearly don't know how to offer emotional support or encouragement, which is a major reason she comes off as whiny and engaged in a lot of black and white and catastrophic thinking. You can teach kids emotional resilience by showing them how to weather difficult feelings and experiences. But you have to show up for them and let them know they aren't totally alone in their bad feelings, and definitely don't pile on with judgment and reprobation ("you have no reason to be unhappy, you have a Computer Science degree from a great school and should just stop complaining and get a job"). Empathy and being people your kid can come to with even petty problems can give them the support they need to work through those issues and then be more resilient out in the world.

Also I think that PPs college experience regarding Covid must have really sucked and her ex-bf was really harsh during their break up, it is no wonder she's struggling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was reading the Jobs and Careers forum when this question popped up:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1194239.page

TLDR: A 22 year-old girl from a wealthy family is bemoaning how "everyone in her life has abandoned her" because... She has the privilege of ending up with a Computer Science degree from an excellent college. But still, she can only focus on the negatives in her life and not the wonderful blessings she has!

My sister is like this; my mom calls her an "injustice collector" as she regularly comes to family gatherings and blathers on about how "abusive" my mom and dad were to her as a child (spoiler alert: there was no abuse at all). Because of her extreme sensitivity, inflexibility, selfishness, and lack of empathy, my sister has had a middling career and a divorce (with no kids).

How do I avoid raising such selfish, entitled kids? My parents mostly raised my sister and I the same way, and we ended up totally different. My biggest fear would be for my kids to end up as "injustice collectors" like my sister or the post in the Jobs Forum that I linked above.

I think it's worth looking at what's making that poster unhappy. She's spent four years hopped up on drugs to earn a degree in a field she hates because her parents made her. She's got no friends, no hobbies, nothing she does to make her happy. I don't think her issue is that she's entitled, it's that her life is kind of miserable. You can't control your kid's life enough to make sure they don't end up feeling that way, but do what you can.

+1, there are a number of things about that OP's experience I have empathy for and are directly related to parental actions:

- Her parents moved across the country in the middle of her high school experience, destabilizing her social life right before she left for college. That's tough.

- Her parents pushed her into a major she has zero interest in based on earning potential, which both made her miserable during college and is setting her up to have zero enthusiasm for her career post college. She even has empathy for why her parents did this, understanding they fear her falling into the poverty they experienced as kids. But they were incorrect-- she would have been better off with a degree in a less lucrative but stable field she actually likes. This is someone who could be happy as a teacher, office administrator, medical technician, etc., all of which are stable, in demand careers her parents pushed her away from because they wanted her to be a "top earner."

- Her parents clearly don't know how to offer emotional support or encouragement, which is a major reason she comes off as whiny and engaged in a lot of black and white and catastrophic thinking. You can teach kids emotional resilience by showing them how to weather difficult feelings and experiences. But you have to show up for them and let them know they aren't totally alone in their bad feelings, and definitely don't pile on with judgment and reprobation ("you have no reason to be unhappy, you have a Computer Science degree from a great school and should just stop complaining and get a job"). Empathy and being people your kid can come to with even petty problems can give them the support they need to work through those issues and then be more resilient out in the world.

Also I think that PPs college experience regarding Covid must have really sucked and her ex-bf was really harsh during their break up, it is no wonder she's struggling.

Are we reading the same post? You seem deluded.

If you offer a kid (yes, maturity wise, she's a kid, not the 22 year old she actually is) as whiny as this "emotional support" or "encouragement," they will become even more self-pitying and won't do anything.

[Anonymous]

Parenting isn’t as important as we think. It can’t change someone’s whole personality.

[Anonymous]

I actually don't know and struggle with this. Just has a huge talk with ds and dd just yesterday about money. I knew something was wrong, and finally got to the root of it: They think we are loaded and cheap, and ds especially is resentful, and jealous of his friends who get so much more. No amount of talking to him about how saving is important, talking about expenses in life like mortgage, emergency repair, a car breaking down, would convince him we are not in fact so loaded we should spend much more freely. He is very materialistic as well. We are not, I shop at Goodwill and TJ Maxx because that is what I like. He looks down on it. DD was entirely different in her approach and she got it. Her main concern is that she too can be too frugal and not spend her money. I went to bed thinking that dd was raised right, and ds wasn't. We're the same parents to both. I fear how he'll be as an adult.

[Anonymous]

I’m just gonna say it. Trying to prevent what you see as an adverse outcome, you are already displaying a judgmental and negative attitude, which will just affect your kid in a different way. Life isn’t perfect. We need to stop trying to make it perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m just gonna say it. Trying to prevent what you see as an adverse outcome, you are already displaying a judgmental and negative attitude, which will just affect your kid in a different way. Life isn’t perfect. We need to stop trying to make it perfect.

I agree. The child in question had parents who tried to prevent the major challenge of their own pasts: poverty. And by doing that they caused new problems. Kids’ lives and futures are not about your own past. Not even about you at all.

[Anonymous]

Instill a value of service and thinking about others.