Anyone’s kid deciding not to go to college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine. She turned 21 yesterday. It kind of kills me. She is living with her boyfriend and his father. She had a nervous breakdown in high school and I think she's associated learning with all her mental illness issues. She couldn't complete HS and it took her three years to work up to taking her GED, which she passed on the first try. She works at a smoothie shop - I can't get a clear answer how many hours a week it is. She claims she doesn't want to go to college because she doesn't know what she wants to do and so it would be a waste.

She says she wants to work with her hands - I told her fine, go become a plumber or an electrician. No. She doesn't want to have to talk to people. I told her fine, go become a dishwasher in a restaurant. No, she doesn't want to work in the food service industry. Fine, go be a hotel maid and work in hospitality. No, she doesn't want to have to wear a uniform. Fine, go become a car mechanic at a big place, where someone else deals with the customers and you just work on the cars. No, that doesn't appeal to her. And on and on.

Every so often she'll ask me how to become some random profession. I think I want to be a writer - how did Elizabeth become an online editor? She went to school and double majored in English and journalism.

I just don't know how to help this kid. Who is now an adult.

Beauty industry is the answer. Massage therapy, nail tech, hairdresser, etc. You work with your hands and set your own hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you should proceed as if he's going. Don't entertain his negative attitude. If he doesn't end up going, that's his choice, but you need to be perfectly prepared for him to go. And encourage it.

In our family, be anything you want.
After getting that college degree.

How are you going to be anything you want if you are thousands of dollars in debt?

My girls will go to college, not because I’m forcing them, but because everyone they know who is successful went to college. It also helps that sorority rush is all over their social media and that my oldest wants to play her sport in college. Neither girl is interested in trade school. They don’t want to work with their hands.

College is for most people, but you can’t force a square peg in a round hole. You can always go to college but you can’t take back thousands of dollars of debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Show him the chart of lifetime earnings of college degree vs not. It’s pretty eye opening.

Only for specific majors…it’s not eye opening for many majors, even STEM majors like Biology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine. She turned 21 yesterday. It kind of kills me. She is living with her boyfriend and his father. She had a nervous breakdown in high school and I think she's associated learning with all her mental illness issues. She couldn't complete HS and it took her three years to work up to taking her GED, which she passed on the first try. She works at a smoothie shop - I can't get a clear answer how many hours a week it is. She claims she doesn't want to go to college because she doesn't know what she wants to do and so it would be a waste.

She says she wants to work with her hands - I told her fine, go become a plumber or an electrician. No. She doesn't want to have to talk to people. I told her fine, go become a dishwasher in a restaurant. No, she doesn't want to work in the food service industry. Fine, go be a hotel maid and work in hospitality. No, she doesn't want to have to wear a uniform. Fine, go become a car mechanic at a big place, where someone else deals with the customers and you just work on the cars. No, that doesn't appeal to her. And on and on.

Every so often she'll ask me how to become some random profession. I think I want to be a writer - how did Elizabeth become an online editor? She went to school and double majored in English and journalism.

I just don't know how to help this kid. Who is now an adult.

Beauty industry is the answer. Massage therapy, nail tech, hairdresser, etc. You work with your hands and set your own hours.

DP Nope, this child has no grit, no real work ethic (yet) to work towards a long term goal. Doesn’t matter what mom suggests. Until she wants it for herself, she will stay adrift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine. She turned 21 yesterday. It kind of kills me. She is living with her boyfriend and his father. She had a nervous breakdown in high school and I think she's associated learning with all her mental illness issues. She couldn't complete HS and it took her three years to work up to taking her GED, which she passed on the first try. She works at a smoothie shop - I can't get a clear answer how many hours a week it is. She claims she doesn't want to go to college because she doesn't know what she wants to do and so it would be a waste.

She says she wants to work with her hands - I told her fine, go become a plumber or an electrician. No. She doesn't want to have to talk to people. I told her fine, go become a dishwasher in a restaurant. No, she doesn't want to work in the food service industry. Fine, go be a hotel maid and work in hospitality. No, she doesn't want to have to wear a uniform. Fine, go become a car mechanic at a big place, where someone else deals with the customers and you just work on the cars. No, that doesn't appeal to her. And on and on.

Every so often she'll ask me how to become some random profession. I think I want to be a writer - how did Elizabeth become an online editor? She went to school and double majored in English and journalism.

I just don't know how to help this kid. Who is now an adult.

Beauty industry is the answer. Massage therapy, nail tech, hairdresser, etc. You work with your hands and set your own hours.

I tried that - she doesn't want to have to deal with people/touch them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine. She turned 21 yesterday. It kind of kills me. She is living with her boyfriend and his father. She had a nervous breakdown in high school and I think she's associated learning with all her mental illness issues. She couldn't complete HS and it took her three years to work up to taking her GED, which she passed on the first try. She works at a smoothie shop - I can't get a clear answer how many hours a week it is. She claims she doesn't want to go to college because she doesn't know what she wants to do and so it would be a waste.

She says she wants to work with her hands - I told her fine, go become a plumber or an electrician. No. She doesn't want to have to talk to people. I told her fine, go become a dishwasher in a restaurant. No, she doesn't want to work in the food service industry. Fine, go be a hotel maid and work in hospitality. No, she doesn't want to have to wear a uniform. Fine, go become a car mechanic at a big place, where someone else deals with the customers and you just work on the cars. No, that doesn't appeal to her. And on and on.

Every so often she'll ask me how to become some random profession. I think I want to be a writer - how did Elizabeth become an online editor? She went to school and double majored in English and journalism.

I just don't know how to help this kid. Who is now an adult.

Beauty industry is the answer. Massage therapy, nail tech, hairdresser, etc. You work with your hands and set your own hours.

DP Nope, this child has no grit, no real work ethic (yet) to work towards a long term goal. Doesn’t matter what mom suggests. Until she wants it for herself, she will stay adrift.

Yep. I think she genuinely thinks she works hard at life, but I don't think she knows what hard work is at all. I had to emotionally disconnect during the pandemic to keep my sanity. When we get together I keep things light. I'm always available to listen, will always send her an uber to get her home safely if she needs it, and always bring a snack when we get together. She hasn't grasped the concept that her issues that prevented her from excelling in HS are NOT an excuse not to do things, but a reason you need to dig in even harder and work harder than other people. She doesnt' want to believe that/wont hear that. I'm in a holding pattern. She also has a TON of shame for not "producing" academically, and in the spring of 2025 it's going to get even worse when her old friends start graduating from college.

[Anonymous]

None of us know your child like you do. My only advice to make sure that your child isn't aiming lower due to anxiety or the fear of failing. The competitive obsession with college admissions in this area is very real and I can see how many teens just don't want to even go down that road because of all the high stakes doom and gloom they often hear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be very upset, but it's true that college isn't for everyone.

Having stated that, you should show your kid the income trajectory for those with degree and those without.

I just heard an interesting article on average wages for those who go to college and they are about half of what my union member tradesperson earns. Given the guaranteed wage increases, I’m not sure you can say college is necessarily the best option for all.

That may be true right out of college but isn't always true 20 years down the road. And the physical toll of some trades is something to be considered (I have a family full of tradesmen and women).

Being in a trade can absolutely be a good thing. And they can go on to VERY successful lives. But it's a myth to say they all do.

[Anonymous]

My younger brother, a happy, easygoing B student, did not want to go to college. He wanted to be a personal trainer.
My parents were both the first in their families to attend college and insisted that he go. He dropped out a day after they could have gotten any money back. They lost thousands of dollars.
It really hurt their relationship.
He got a job at a gym; eventually took classes at a community college towards a certificate in personal training. He's doing fairly well now.
Another friend's son did not go to college, but landed a job in sales at a software company. Computer geeks don't rely on college degrees too much. The poster whose daughter is introverted might consider a career in programming--a lot of people who don't want to deal with people end up there, and do well.
I do want to caution people about comparing salaries: I've never been as miserable as I was when I worked as a highly paid lawyer in a large law firm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My teen keeps showing me every negative article about college. He’s leaning on not going. I’m disappointed, he’s a pretty good student.

Show him positive articles and let his guidance counselor or therapist or some mentor talk to him as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be very upset, but it's true that college isn't for everyone.

Having stated that, you should show your kid the income trajectory for those with degree and those without.

I just heard an interesting article on average wages for those who go to college and they are about half of what my union member tradesperson earns. Given the guaranteed wage increases, I’m not sure you can say college is necessarily the best option for all.

That may be true right out of college but isn't always true 20 years down the road. And the physical toll of some trades is something to be considered (I have a family full of tradesmen and women).

Being in a trade can absolutely be a good thing. And they can go on to VERY successful lives. But it's a myth to say they all do.

Private equity is now buying up all of the trades and ruining them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My teen keeps showing me every negative article about college. He’s leaning on not going. I’m disappointed, he’s a pretty good student.

Show him positive articles and let his guidance counselor or therapist or some mentor talk to him as well.

That actually will make him more adamant about not going.

Figure out what he wants to do in life and then show him honest research/articles that support a college degree…but don’t try to railroad articles if they don’t support it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My teen keeps showing me every negative article about college. He’s leaning on not going. I’m disappointed, he’s a pretty good student.

My first question would be - what's your plan? And if he doesn't have a plan then I'd be asking him to research and prepare a plan because there is an inertia to education that stops once you step off the track. It's not impossible to get back on, but it is much harder without a plan.

[Anonymous]

The Washingtonian magazine's March issue has a cover story called, "Cool Jobs." Even if none of them fits your child perfectly, they're interesting to peruse and could spark conversation:
https://www.washingtonian.com/2024/02/22/march-2024-cool-jobs/

Two of my siblings really didn't want to go to college: one dropped out; one finished at the bottom of her class and her self-esteem took a while to recover (she ended up as a booker at a TV show--she booked guests and liked it!) College is truly not for everyone--and definitely not for everyone at age 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be very upset, but it's true that college isn't for everyone.

Having stated that, you should show your kid the income trajectory for those with degree and those without.

I just heard an interesting article on average wages for those who go to college and they are about half of what my union member tradesperson earns. Given the guaranteed wage increases, I’m not sure you can say college is necessarily the best option for all.

Plus not everyone has the primary goal of a million dollar salary. Trade wages are equal to a lot of jobs college educated people have.

If your kid has a plan that’s reasonable and doable and a parent still objects, that’s because they are superficial and worry more about what people think than their child’s goals to his own life. If a parent has done his job and instilled a good work ethic he’ll be great.