Truthfully, can you both have careers and have 3+ kids?

[Anonymous]

No part of the lifestyle the posters on the past 3 pages are describing (3 kids 5 and under in 5 different activities per week and w/ a nanny and preschool) sounds fun at all to me.

I want to actually spend time w/ my kids. I want my kids to have time w/ me just focusing on them 1:1. I want to get to know my kids as people and not just shuttle them around to one activity after another (or have a nanny do it). I want to have a life where we (my spouse and kids and I) can relax and enjoy each other's company and not every waking minute is spent engaged in some "elite sport", working, or driving to/from work or elite sport. That does not sound enjoyable at all.

Think about what is best for your kids and you and your spouse, OP. Do you envision a lifestyle where everyone is always stressed, always going from one thing to the next? Or do you envision a lifestyle where you have a nice family dinner at home most nights and read your kids stories and put them to bed on time and talk about their day and sit on the couch cuddling with them? I think only you can decide what it is that works best for you and your family. Hopefully whatever you choose will also work for your kids as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No part of the lifestyle the posters on the past 3 pages are describing (3 kids 5 and under in 5 different activities per week and w/ a nanny and preschool) sounds fun at all to me.

I want to actually spend time w/ my kids. I want my kids to have time w/ me just focusing on them 1:1. I want to get to know my kids as people and not just shuttle them around to one activity after another (or have a nanny do it). I want to have a life where we (my spouse and kids and I) can relax and enjoy each other's company and not every waking minute is spent engaged in some "elite sport", working, or driving to/from work or elite sport. That does not sound enjoyable at all.

Think about what is best for your kids and you and your spouse, OP. Do you envision a lifestyle where everyone is always stressed, always going from one thing to the next? Or do you envision a lifestyle where you have a nice family dinner at home most nights and read your kids stories and put them to bed on time and talk about their day and sit on the couch cuddling with them? I think only you can decide what it is that works best for you and your family. Hopefully whatever you choose will also work for your kids as well.

I’m one of the pps with 3 kids. It is not so easy have one on one time with kids when you have three. I did not shuffle my kids to five different activities. Sports daily was when kids were older. When my kids were in preschool, we went to the park, stroller walks, to the zoo, nature center, museums, etc.

[Anonymous]

Pp again. My kids did play soccer and tennis but it was not 5x per week, more like once per week and Dh did that since those were his sports. He loved playing with the boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No part of the lifestyle the posters on the past 3 pages are describing (3 kids 5 and under in 5 different activities per week and w/ a nanny and preschool) sounds fun at all to me.

I want to actually spend time w/ my kids. I want my kids to have time w/ me just focusing on them 1:1. I want to get to know my kids as people and not just shuttle them around to one activity after another (or have a nanny do it). I want to have a life where we (my spouse and kids and I) can relax and enjoy each other's company and not every waking minute is spent engaged in some "elite sport", working, or driving to/from work or elite sport. That does not sound enjoyable at all.

Think about what is best for your kids and you and your spouse, OP. Do you envision a lifestyle where everyone is always stressed, always going from one thing to the next? Or do you envision a lifestyle where you have a nice family dinner at home most nights and read your kids stories and put them to bed on time and talk about their day and sit on the couch cuddling with them? I think only you can decide what it is that works best for you and your family. Hopefully whatever you choose will also work for your kids as well.

I’d argue you can still have a career and live a low stress life.

A lot depends on kids’ activities and especially the number of kids. For many of us 2 to 3 wouldn’t be manageable. Even without a job I can’t imagine the logistics for three kids.

OP go for it if you absolutely love kids and chaos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a nanny who works for us full time even though all three kids are in elementary school. She does all of the shopping and laundry, is here if there is a sick day or no school, and does some of the early evening shuttling to activities.

Even with all of that we have maybe an hour a day at most during the week to do something that is non-work or kids, like watch a show. The rest of the time is either work or kids/necessities like cooking. That’s fine because we both like to work, but if you want hobbies, etc. you put those aside for 15 years.

With three kids and 2 careers your kids are your hobbies. You need the weekends for spending time together. Your social life will be limited and mostly involve other kids and families.

Hate to break it to you but this is the same with two kids.

It doesn't have to be. We have two kids and both work. They're both competitive athletes who travel. Our social lives include friends with kids our kids are friends with as well as other friends. We travel for weekends with friends, we both have hobbies (mine is relatively time-consuming) and we spend a lot of time together as a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious how many of these responders have three kids. Everyone I know with three+ kids wouldn’t change it. It’s human nature to adapt. If you have a strong marriage, similar desire for more kids, and means - go for it.

I'm a previous responder, and I have three kids, and my husband and I both work. It's really hard, and I am at a breaking point at least 1-2 times a week, because I feel like I haven't had sufficient 1-1 interaction with my kids (much less my husband). We are generally just cars passing each other in the driveway as we drive the kids to all of their things (our kids are 14, 11, and 8).

Of course I wouldn't change my family - I can't imagine life without my kids! I love watching them grow and I love watching each and every sporting event (maybe not winter swim meets, but oh well!) But I also agree with a previous poster that you need to also think about your own happiness and mental health. There are days when I have basically no time for myself, and despite my husband (who works remotely full-time) pulling a ton of weight, if you're a mom, the likelihood is that you're still going to carry much more of the domestic and emotional load (even, if as in my case, you are the priority breadwinner.)

Again! Wouldn't change my 3 kids. But I worry about my stress and emotional health, and probably as a result of those two things, am prone to yelling when frustrated.

How old are your kids? Do you work from home? I usually can spend at least 30 minutes to multiple hours 1:1 with each kid each day and my kids are 5 and under. Also, my husband and I have a lot of intimacy, talk multiple times a day, and hang out at night. We’re very connected.

DP, but that's because you have very young children still that are napping, going to bed early, and not in extracurriculars. PP said she has 8, 11, and 14 year olds, which is fundamentally different parenting than babies and preschoolers. Try not to sound so smug when you just don't know yet.

None of my children nap and my youngest wakes up multiple times a night.

I think it comes down to what you prioritize.

Oh and my oldest does field hockey on the weekends and during the week gymnastics, swimming, water polo, and tennis. My child is swimming and gymnastics.

Not trying to sound smug but as your children get older it should be easier to spend 1:1 time with them and talking to your spouse during the day is about picking up the phone occasionally and chatting…and chatting before bed. If you are chaperoning your kids to activities can’t you talk to them? Isn’t it easier to spend time with your spouse when your kids don’t need constant supervision…and if they are going to be late why can’t you spend any of that time with them?

Wait, are you the PP who has three kids under 5?! Because if so, I can tell you based on the bolded why you have so much energy and time to chat with your spouse on the phone… it’s because you stick your children in a ridiculous and age-inappropriate number of activities to avoid spending any of your own precious energy actually parenting them. One on one time as you act as the chauffeur is legitimate for teens who can and often do engage in deep conversations, but your car time is talking about Bluey or listening to KidzBop. Then you pay someone else to entertain them (read: take them off your hands) for an hour while you call your husband at what what must be a complete BS job to chat.

Priorities indeed

My eldest will be 5 at the end of the week and all of her activities are done with kids in her age group and my 3 year old does swimming and gymnastics… also with kids in her age group.

My kids have a lot of energy and sports are a good outlet for that and allow them to socialize with their peers when they are not in PreK and preschool respectively (the youngest has no activities). So weird that you think having kids in activities means someone isn’t parenting… are you not parenting if your kids are in activities? Am I not parenting because I work full time and rely on a nanny during my work hours Monday to Friday? Just trying to follow the completely illogical through-line… You know the OP asked about parenting three kids while both spouses work, right?

If you’re not having sex or spending time with your kids or talking to your spouse then you don’t feel great so I won’t go for blood here but I felt it was important to provide a different perspective to OP around 1:1 time with kids and intimacy. Your experience is not my experience.

NP, but if your kids are 5 and under, you can quietly take a seat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious how many of these responders have three kids. Everyone I know with three+ kids wouldn’t change it. It’s human nature to adapt. If you have a strong marriage, similar desire for more kids, and means - go for it.

I'm a previous responder, and I have three kids, and my husband and I both work. It's really hard, and I am at a breaking point at least 1-2 times a week, because I feel like I haven't had sufficient 1-1 interaction with my kids (much less my husband). We are generally just cars passing each other in the driveway as we drive the kids to all of their things (our kids are 14, 11, and 8).

Of course I wouldn't change my family - I can't imagine life without my kids! I love watching them grow and I love watching each and every sporting event (maybe not winter swim meets, but oh well!) But I also agree with a previous poster that you need to also think about your own happiness and mental health. There are days when I have basically no time for myself, and despite my husband (who works remotely full-time) pulling a ton of weight, if you're a mom, the likelihood is that you're still going to carry much more of the domestic and emotional load (even, if as in my case, you are the priority breadwinner.)

Again! Wouldn't change my 3 kids. But I worry about my stress and emotional health, and probably as a result of those two things, am prone to yelling when frustrated.

How old are your kids? Do you work from home? I usually can spend at least 30 minutes to multiple hours 1:1 with each kid each day and my kids are 5 and under. Also, my husband and I have a lot of intimacy, talk multiple times a day, and hang out at night. We’re very connected.

DP, but that's because you have very young children still that are napping, going to bed early, and not in extracurriculars. PP said she has 8, 11, and 14 year olds, which is fundamentally different parenting than babies and preschoolers. Try not to sound so smug when you just don't know yet.

None of my children nap and my youngest wakes up multiple times a night.

I think it comes down to what you prioritize.

Oh and my oldest does field hockey on the weekends and during the week gymnastics, swimming, water polo, and tennis. My child is swimming and gymnastics.

Not trying to sound smug but as your children get older it should be easier to spend 1:1 time with them and talking to your spouse during the day is about picking up the phone occasionally and chatting…and chatting before bed. If you are chaperoning your kids to activities can’t you talk to them? Isn’t it easier to spend time with your spouse when your kids don’t need constant supervision…and if they are going to be late why can’t you spend any of that time with them?

As someone who played water polo in college, I'm dying laughing imagining PP's four-year old taking water polo lessons. Lady, you're nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious how many of these responders have three kids. Everyone I know with three+ kids wouldn’t change it. It’s human nature to adapt. If you have a strong marriage, similar desire for more kids, and means - go for it.

I'm a previous responder, and I have three kids, and my husband and I both work. It's really hard, and I am at a breaking point at least 1-2 times a week, because I feel like I haven't had sufficient 1-1 interaction with my kids (much less my husband). We are generally just cars passing each other in the driveway as we drive the kids to all of their things (our kids are 14, 11, and 8).

Of course I wouldn't change my family - I can't imagine life without my kids! I love watching them grow and I love watching each and every sporting event (maybe not winter swim meets, but oh well!) But I also agree with a previous poster that you need to also think about your own happiness and mental health. There are days when I have basically no time for myself, and despite my husband (who works remotely full-time) pulling a ton of weight, if you're a mom, the likelihood is that you're still going to carry much more of the domestic and emotional load (even, if as in my case, you are the priority breadwinner.)

Again! Wouldn't change my 3 kids. But I worry about my stress and emotional health, and probably as a result of those two things, am prone to yelling when frustrated.

How old are your kids? Do you work from home? I usually can spend at least 30 minutes to multiple hours 1:1 with each kid each day and my kids are 5 and under. Also, my husband and I have a lot of intimacy, talk multiple times a day, and hang out at night. We’re very connected.

DP, but that's because you have very young children still that are napping, going to bed early, and not in extracurriculars. PP said she has 8, 11, and 14 year olds, which is fundamentally different parenting than babies and preschoolers. Try not to sound so smug when you just don't know yet.

None of my children nap and my youngest wakes up multiple times a night.

I think it comes down to what you prioritize.

Oh and my oldest does field hockey on the weekends and during the week gymnastics, swimming, water polo, and tennis. My child is swimming and gymnastics.

Not trying to sound smug but as your children get older it should be easier to spend 1:1 time with them and talking to your spouse during the day is about picking up the phone occasionally and chatting…and chatting before bed. If you are chaperoning your kids to activities can’t you talk to them? Isn’t it easier to spend time with your spouse when your kids don’t need constant supervision…and if they are going to be late why can’t you spend any of that time with them?

Wait, are you the PP who has three kids under 5?! Because if so, I can tell you based on the bolded why you have so much energy and time to chat with your spouse on the phone… it’s because you stick your children in a ridiculous and age-inappropriate number of activities to avoid spending any of your own precious energy actually parenting them. One on one time as you act as the chauffeur is legitimate for teens who can and often do engage in deep conversations, but your car time is talking about Bluey or listening to KidzBop. Then you pay someone else to entertain them (read: take them off your hands) for an hour while you call your husband at what what must be a complete BS job to chat.

Priorities indeed

My eldest will be 5 at the end of the week and all of her activities are done with kids in her age group and my 3 year old does swimming and gymnastics… also with kids in her age group.

My kids have a lot of energy and sports are a good outlet for that and allow them to socialize with their peers when they are not in PreK and preschool respectively (the youngest has no activities). So weird that you think having kids in activities means someone isn’t parenting… are you not parenting if your kids are in activities? Am I not parenting because I work full time and rely on a nanny during my work hours Monday to Friday? Just trying to follow the completely illogical through-line… You know the OP asked about parenting three kids while both spouses work, right?

If you’re not having sex or spending time with your kids or talking to your spouse then you don’t feel great so I won’t go for blood here but I felt it was important to provide a different perspective to OP around 1:1 time with kids and intimacy. Your experience is not my experience.

NP, but if your kids are 5 and under, you can quietly take a seat.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No part of the lifestyle the posters on the past 3 pages are describing (3 kids 5 and under in 5 different activities per week and w/ a nanny and preschool) sounds fun at all to me.

I want to actually spend time w/ my kids. I want my kids to have time w/ me just focusing on them 1:1. I want to get to know my kids as people and not just shuttle them around to one activity after another (or have a nanny do it). I want to have a life where we (my spouse and kids and I) can relax and enjoy each other's company and not every waking minute is spent engaged in some "elite sport", working, or driving to/from work or elite sport. That does not sound enjoyable at all.

Think about what is best for your kids and you and your spouse, OP. Do you envision a lifestyle where everyone is always stressed, always going from one thing to the next? Or do you envision a lifestyle where you have a nice family dinner at home most nights and read your kids stories and put them to bed on time and talk about their day and sit on the couch cuddling with them? I think only you can decide what it is that works best for you and your family. Hopefully whatever you choose will also work for your kids as well.

If you have kids in travel sports you are probably not having dinner together every night - regardless of whether you have 2 or 3 children. If your spouse has a big job and gets home at 7 or 7:30 (as my husband does) you are not having family dinner together until your kids are in middle school. Another child does not make “getting to know” your children and family dinners impossible.

Your argument is dumb. Go away. You don’t belong in this forum anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No part of the lifestyle the posters on the past 3 pages are describing (3 kids 5 and under in 5 different activities per week and w/ a nanny and preschool) sounds fun at all to me.

I want to actually spend time w/ my kids. I want my kids to have time w/ me just focusing on them 1:1. I want to get to know my kids as people and not just shuttle them around to one activity after another (or have a nanny do it). I want to have a life where we (my spouse and kids and I) can relax and enjoy each other's company and not every waking minute is spent engaged in some "elite sport", working, or driving to/from work or elite sport. That does not sound enjoyable at all.

Think about what is best for your kids and you and your spouse, OP. Do you envision a lifestyle where everyone is always stressed, always going from one thing to the next? Or do you envision a lifestyle where you have a nice family dinner at home most nights and read your kids stories and put them to bed on time and talk about their day and sit on the couch cuddling with them? I think only you can decide what it is that works best for you and your family. Hopefully whatever you choose will also work for your kids as well.

If you have kids in travel sports you are probably not having dinner together every night - regardless of whether you have 2 or 3 children. If your spouse has a big job and gets home at 7 or 7:30 (as my husband does) you are not having family dinner together until your kids are in middle school. Another child does not make “getting to know” your children and family dinners impossible.

Your argument is dumb. Go away. You don’t belong in this forum anyway.

We have family dinner Friday-Sunday but my kids go to bed at 8 so it is not realistic.

I am so sick of reading this stupid stuff from people who pretended that when you have three kids you can’t know them.

[Anonymous]

I know a family (not in the DC area) that is similar - 3 kids, mom is a physician and dad is a big 4 consultant. Here is how they make it work:
- Mom is only on service 5 days per month plus 2 holidays/year. She teaches the rest of the time.
- Dad is WFH when not traveling.
- Mom's parents live nearby and watch the kids when mom is on service and dad is traveling.
- The kids (none of which are school age yet) go to daycare on campus of mom's work.

Mom has told me they will probably need a nanny soon because the oldest starts K in the fall not on campus and her dad is beginning to have health problems that make watching all 3 kids challenging. Nanny would care for the baby during the day and do pickup for the older two kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No part of the lifestyle the posters on the past 3 pages are describing (3 kids 5 and under in 5 different activities per week and w/ a nanny and preschool) sounds fun at all to me.

I want to actually spend time w/ my kids. I want my kids to have time w/ me just focusing on them 1:1. I want to get to know my kids as people and not just shuttle them around to one activity after another (or have a nanny do it). I want to have a life where we (my spouse and kids and I) can relax and enjoy each other's company and not every waking minute is spent engaged in some "elite sport", working, or driving to/from work or elite sport. That does not sound enjoyable at all.

Think about what is best for your kids and you and your spouse, OP. Do you envision a lifestyle where everyone is always stressed, always going from one thing to the next? Or do you envision a lifestyle where you have a nice family dinner at home most nights and read your kids stories and put them to bed on time and talk about their day and sit on the couch cuddling with them? I think only you can decide what it is that works best for you and your family. Hopefully whatever you choose will also work for your kids as well.

If you have kids in travel sports you are probably not having dinner together every night - regardless of whether you have 2 or 3 children. If your spouse has a big job and gets home at 7 or 7:30 (as my husband does) you are not having family dinner together until your kids are in middle school. Another child does not make “getting to know” your children and family dinners impossible.

Your argument is dumb. Go away. You don’t belong in this forum anyway.

My "argument" is not an argument. It's an explanation of what kind of lifestyle I want. I do not want the always stressed out running around from one thing to the next lifestyle. I have 2 kids in upper elementary. They do not play travel sports (that would change everything and I'm glad that they do not want to do that. If they wanted to play at that level, we would allow it but it would be a major change.) I didn't say dinner together every night...I think of it more like is family dinner a goal for you? If it is, maybe don't have 3 kids because it'll be harder to achieve that goal the more kids you have as they get older.

And why are you telling me to go away and that I "don't belong in this forum?" Only people w/ 3 kids belong in this forum? Only people who want the hectic lifestyle belong? I suspect you react so strongly to my post because you see in it that not everyone is "super busy and stressed" just because they have kids and careers. That it is in fact possible to have a more relaxed, enjoyable lifestyle where you actually have conversations w/ each other and are not always rushing from one thing to the next. I suspect you seem so hostile toward me because there is some part of you that is unfulfilled w/ your go-go-go always busy life.

[Anonymous]

No not a good career. You can have a job though. You have to decide what trade-offs are worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No part of the lifestyle the posters on the past 3 pages are describing (3 kids 5 and under in 5 different activities per week and w/ a nanny and preschool) sounds fun at all to me.

I want to actually spend time w/ my kids. I want my kids to have time w/ me just focusing on them 1:1. I want to get to know my kids as people and not just shuttle them around to one activity after another (or have a nanny do it). I want to have a life where we (my spouse and kids and I) can relax and enjoy each other's company and not every waking minute is spent engaged in some "elite sport", working, or driving to/from work or elite sport. That does not sound enjoyable at all.

Think about what is best for your kids and you and your spouse, OP. Do you envision a lifestyle where everyone is always stressed, always going from one thing to the next? Or do you envision a lifestyle where you have a nice family dinner at home most nights and read your kids stories and put them to bed on time and talk about their day and sit on the couch cuddling with them? I think only you can decide what it is that works best for you and your family. Hopefully whatever you choose will also work for your kids as well.

If you have kids in travel sports you are probably not having dinner together every night - regardless of whether you have 2 or 3 children. If your spouse has a big job and gets home at 7 or 7:30 (as my husband does) you are not having family dinner together until your kids are in middle school. Another child does not make “getting to know” your children and family dinners impossible.

Your argument is dumb. Go away. You don’t belong in this forum anyway.

We have family dinner Friday-Sunday but my kids go to bed at 8 so it is not realistic.

I am so sick of reading this stupid stuff from people who pretended that when you have three kids you can’t know them.

I am PP writing from my lived experience as a kid who grew up one of 3 kids. My parents both worked demanding jobs. They are not emotionally close to me or my siblings as adults because they never did have enough time for us when we were kids. They didn't give us enough attention. We were always treated as a pack of kids, not as individuals. I'm not saying every family w/ 3 kids and 2 working parents is the same, of course. But it is just practically speaking a lot harder to spend time and give attention to your kids the more kids you have, especially when you and your spouse are also working a demanding job. It just is a practical matter. Time is finite. There is no practical way that a parent w/ 3 kids can give each kid as much attention as a parent w/ 2 or 1 kids can. So, I'm not saying you personally won't be able to "know your kids" just because you have 3. But it is a lot less likely that each kid will get the attention they need the more kids you have and that is nothing personal against you it's just a fact.

I wish my parents had scaled back their careers and had more time for me as a kid. I wish I had a close relationship w/ them. I wish I felt seen and heard and understood in my family growing up. But that was not their priority. Their priority was working first, family unit second, individual kids last/never.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No part of the lifestyle the posters on the past 3 pages are describing (3 kids 5 and under in 5 different activities per week and w/ a nanny and preschool) sounds fun at all to me.

I want to actually spend time w/ my kids. I want my kids to have time w/ me just focusing on them 1:1. I want to get to know my kids as people and not just shuttle them around to one activity after another (or have a nanny do it). I want to have a life where we (my spouse and kids and I) can relax and enjoy each other's company and not every waking minute is spent engaged in some "elite sport", working, or driving to/from work or elite sport. That does not sound enjoyable at all.

Think about what is best for your kids and you and your spouse, OP. Do you envision a lifestyle where everyone is always stressed, always going from one thing to the next? Or do you envision a lifestyle where you have a nice family dinner at home most nights and read your kids stories and put them to bed on time and talk about their day and sit on the couch cuddling with them? I think only you can decide what it is that works best for you and your family. Hopefully whatever you choose will also work for your kids as well.

If you have kids in travel sports you are probably not having dinner together every night - regardless of whether you have 2 or 3 children. If your spouse has a big job and gets home at 7 or 7:30 (as my husband does) you are not having family dinner together until your kids are in middle school. Another child does not make “getting to know” your children and family dinners impossible.

Your argument is dumb. Go away. You don’t belong in this forum anyway.

We have family dinner Friday-Sunday but my kids go to bed at 8 so it is not realistic.

I am so sick of reading this stupid stuff from people who pretended that when you have three kids you can’t know them.

And I am tired of reading stuff from people who pretend that you have just as much time/attention for each kid when you have 3 kids as you do when you have 2 kids or 1 kid.