Wife friendship with male neighbor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here (there was a previous "OP" with a flip response - not me)

wasn't expecting quite the lengthy thread. Thanks for the serious replies.

The irony in all of this is that I brought up this topic to improve our relationship for the long run. Let me explain. I'm not a perfect husband. I've given her the silent treatment on occasions over the years as has she. Our communication in general needs improvement. Maybe some counseling. Recently i've been opening up about various things to mixed/surprised reactions from her. I love her dearly and I believe she loves me. We have our health, awesome kids, financial stability, and generally a great life. I'm not looking to blow it up. On the contrary, I wanted to pull the band aid on something that has been on my mind for quite a while. It may be (and i hope it is) perfectly innocent. Great! But as her husband I want her to know how i've been perceiving all of this.
One pp noted that in a healthy relationship, both spouses have a right to discuss their concerns, suspicions, etc openly. 100% pp. 100%.

To be clear, I did NOT accuse her of any wrong doing and made it very clear to her that I was not doing so when we talked. I stated my observations and thoughts that are a culmination of multiple years of experiences. We're in the midwest, so it could be a cultural thing? (we're both transplants here) I truly don't know if anything has transpired and I may never know. What I do know with near certainty is that others in our neighbor group have noted and they likely noted years ago. I can read a room.

As soon as Ryan's name left my lips I could see her tense up and flush. She wasn't surprised so much about the topic more so than the timing. Why not a few yrs ago during the "gym" years - which could have been construed as inappropriate? She made clear nothing went on between them. Fine. But i've cleared the air and she's upset. I can see from her perspective how insulting this might be. But my feelings are valid too and I don't regret bringing it up. It's been 2 days. I'll give her space and see what she has to say when she's ready.

OP, as a wife with a generally awesome marriage, I can say that if my husband came to me like you did (and I had done nothing with this man), I would probably have the following reactions all at once:
1) Anger/betrayal that you had read my texts. My husband and I know each other's phone passwords and we regularly leave our phones out when we're not around or we use each other's phones if needed, but I would still be upset if my husband went behind my back to read my texts because we have never discussed doing that and have a general notion of respecting each other's privacy.
2) Sadness/sympathy that I had made my husband feel insecure about our marriage and sadness/sympathy that I had done anything to make him think I didn't love him enough to never cheat on him and sadness/sympathy that he had felt embarrassed by things other had said.
3) Offense/astonishment that my husband would think I am the kind of person who would ever cheat on him, given that I have never intentionally given him any reason to think I would do something like that or that I was the kind of person who would cheat on their spouse.

There are probably more emotions I would have, but my point to you was that depending on which emotion escaped my body first (i.e. 1 or 3), I could see that perhaps my initial reaction might not be to respond kindly. Over the course of 2 days I would hope I would be able to see things more rationally, but it's possible that even though I love my husband very much and would never want to see him upset or embarrassed and it would break my heart if he thought I would cheat on him, I would also have conflicting negative emotions that might be what comes out of me.

Reaction # 1 is moot - OP clarified that he never let his wife know that he read her texts.

OP - is there a status update?

Nope and we are still waiting on the "mostly innocent texts" which were not "innocent?" No response from OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I don’t know, op, where were you when she was sidling up to this neighbor? Fine if all they did was run together, fine if all they did was chat at neighborhood parties, but why the texting and leaving you out? That would annoy me. I’d also be annoyed if my husband preferred to sit with another woman then with me, to the point that I’d go over and have a seat or my husband and I would not be having a pleasant evening when we got home.
Your problem is you let this go on to long. Your other problem is that you weren’t present enough meaning, you treated your wife well like a wife and not like a beloved partner. Go back to how you treated her when you guys were newly dating and with that mindset nobody can mess up the relationship… unless something is wrong with one of you or one of you didn’t like the other one as much as you might have hoped.
This isn’t keeping an eye on someone it’s letting them and the world know you have a special relationship and that relationship is known and respected by everybody you interact with.
As for the wife giving you the silent treatment, that’s abusive.If that’s what she’s doing I’d call her out on it. I might even say “you like this guy enough to stop speaking to me.. let’s discuss divorce”. Say it without anger and mean what you say, there is nothing wrong with discussing changing the legalities of a relationship. People do it all the time, think marriage and adoption and those are happy conversations if not just conversations. No reason divorce can’t be handled in the same way.

I'm pretty sure you don't actually have a husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here (there was a previous "OP" with a flip response - not me)

wasn't expecting quite the lengthy thread. Thanks for the serious replies.

The irony in all of this is that I brought up this topic to improve our relationship for the long run. Let me explain. I'm not a perfect husband. I've given her the silent treatment on occasions over the years as has she. Our communication in general needs improvement. Maybe some counseling. Recently i've been opening up about various things to mixed/surprised reactions from her. I love her dearly and I believe she loves me. We have our health, awesome kids, financial stability, and generally a great life. I'm not looking to blow it up. On the contrary, I wanted to pull the band aid on something that has been on my mind for quite a while. It may be (and i hope it is) perfectly innocent. Great! But as her husband I want her to know how i've been perceiving all of this.
One pp noted that in a healthy relationship, both spouses have a right to discuss their concerns, suspicions, etc openly. 100% pp. 100%.

To be clear, I did NOT accuse her of any wrong doing and made it very clear to her that I was not doing so when we talked. I stated my observations and thoughts that are a culmination of multiple years of experiences. We're in the midwest, so it could be a cultural thing? (we're both transplants here) I truly don't know if anything has transpired and I may never know. What I do know with near certainty is that others in our neighbor group have noted and they likely noted years ago. I can read a room.

As soon as Ryan's name left my lips I could see her tense up and flush. She wasn't surprised so much about the topic more so than the timing. Why not a few yrs ago during the "gym" years - which could have been construed as inappropriate? She made clear nothing went on between them. Fine. But i've cleared the air and she's upset. I can see from her perspective how insulting this might be. But my feelings are valid too and I don't regret bringing it up. It's been 2 days. I'll give her space and see what she has to say when she's ready.

OP, as a wife with a generally awesome marriage, I can say that if my husband came to me like you did (and I had done nothing with this man), I would probably have the following reactions all at once:
1) Anger/betrayal that you had read my texts. My husband and I know each other's phone passwords and we regularly leave our phones out when we're not around or we use each other's phones if needed, but I would still be upset if my husband went behind my back to read my texts because we have never discussed doing that and have a general notion of respecting each other's privacy.
2) Sadness/sympathy that I had made my husband feel insecure about our marriage and sadness/sympathy that I had done anything to make him think I didn't love him enough to never cheat on him and sadness/sympathy that he had felt embarrassed by things other had said.
3) Offense/astonishment that my husband would think I am the kind of person who would ever cheat on him, given that I have never intentionally given him any reason to think I would do something like that or that I was the kind of person who would cheat on their spouse.

There are probably more emotions I would have, but my point to you was that depending on which emotion escaped my body first (i.e. 1 or 3), I could see that perhaps my initial reaction might not be to respond kindly. Over the course of 2 days I would hope I would be able to see things more rationally, but it's possible that even though I love my husband very much and would never want to see him upset or embarrassed and it would break my heart if he thought I would cheat on him, I would also have conflicting negative emotions that might be what comes out of me.

Reaction # 1 is moot - OP clarified that he never let his wife know that he read her texts.

OP - is there a status update?

When I read OP's post to which I responded he had not stated that he hadn't told her he read his texts.

But so what? Remove #1 and I'd still be offended that my husband thought I would do something as disgusting as cheat on him.

[Anonymous]

I am not reading through pages of responses, but this is a hard no for me. And frankly, both of them know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here (there was a previous "OP" with a flip response - not me)

wasn't expecting quite the lengthy thread. Thanks for the serious replies.

The irony in all of this is that I brought up this topic to improve our relationship for the long run. Let me explain. I'm not a perfect husband. I've given her the silent treatment on occasions over the years as has she. Our communication in general needs improvement. Maybe some counseling. Recently i've been opening up about various things to mixed/surprised reactions from her. I love her dearly and I believe she loves me. We have our health, awesome kids, financial stability, and generally a great life. I'm not looking to blow it up. On the contrary, I wanted to pull the band aid on something that has been on my mind for quite a while. It may be (and i hope it is) perfectly innocent. Great! But as her husband I want her to know how i've been perceiving all of this.
One pp noted that in a healthy relationship, both spouses have a right to discuss their concerns, suspicions, etc openly. 100% pp. 100%.

To be clear, I did NOT accuse her of any wrong doing and made it very clear to her that I was not doing so when we talked. I stated my observations and thoughts that are a culmination of multiple years of experiences. We're in the midwest, so it could be a cultural thing? (we're both transplants here) I truly don't know if anything has transpired and I may never know. What I do know with near certainty is that others in our neighbor group have noted and they likely noted years ago. I can read a room.

As soon as Ryan's name left my lips I could see her tense up and flush. She wasn't surprised so much about the topic more so than the timing. Why not a few yrs ago during the "gym" years - which could have been construed as inappropriate? She made clear nothing went on between them. Fine. But i've cleared the air and she's upset. I can see from her perspective how insulting this might be. But my feelings are valid too and I don't regret bringing it up. It's been 2 days. I'll give her space and see what she has to say when she's ready.

OP, as a wife with a generally awesome marriage, I can say that if my husband came to me like you did (and I had done nothing with this man), I would probably have the following reactions all at once:
1) Anger/betrayal that you had read my texts. My husband and I know each other's phone passwords and we regularly leave our phones out when we're not around or we use each other's phones if needed, but I would still be upset if my husband went behind my back to read my texts because we have never discussed doing that and have a general notion of respecting each other's privacy.
2) Sadness/sympathy that I had made my husband feel insecure about our marriage and sadness/sympathy that I had done anything to make him think I didn't love him enough to never cheat on him and sadness/sympathy that he had felt embarrassed by things other had said.
3) Offense/astonishment that my husband would think I am the kind of person who would ever cheat on him, given that I have never intentionally given him any reason to think I would do something like that or that I was the kind of person who would cheat on their spouse.

There are probably more emotions I would have, but my point to you was that depending on which emotion escaped my body first (i.e. 1 or 3), I could see that perhaps my initial reaction might not be to respond kindly. Over the course of 2 days I would hope I would be able to see things more rationally, but it's possible that even though I love my husband very much and would never want to see him upset or embarrassed and it would break my heart if he thought I would cheat on him, I would also have conflicting negative emotions that might be what comes out of me.

Reaction # 1 is moot - OP clarified that he never let his wife know that he read her texts.

OP - is there a status update?

When I read OP's post to which I responded he had not stated that he hadn't told her he read his texts.

But so what? Remove #1 and I'd still be offended that my husband thought I would do something as disgusting as cheat on him.

First post on page 6 - if it is indeed the OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here (there was a previous "OP" with a flip response - not me)

wasn't expecting quite the lengthy thread. Thanks for the serious replies.

The irony in all of this is that I brought up this topic to improve our relationship for the long run. Let me explain. I'm not a perfect husband. I've given her the silent treatment on occasions over the years as has she. Our communication in general needs improvement. Maybe some counseling. Recently i've been opening up about various things to mixed/surprised reactions from her. I love her dearly and I believe she loves me. We have our health, awesome kids, financial stability, and generally a great life. I'm not looking to blow it up. On the contrary, I wanted to pull the band aid on something that has been on my mind for quite a while. It may be (and i hope it is) perfectly innocent. Great! But as her husband I want her to know how i've been perceiving all of this.
One pp noted that in a healthy relationship, both spouses have a right to discuss their concerns, suspicions, etc openly. 100% pp. 100%.

To be clear, I did NOT accuse her of any wrong doing and made it very clear to her that I was not doing so when we talked. I stated my observations and thoughts that are a culmination of multiple years of experiences. We're in the midwest, so it could be a cultural thing? (we're both transplants here) I truly don't know if anything has transpired and I may never know. What I do know with near certainty is that others in our neighbor group have noted and they likely noted years ago. I can read a room.

As soon as Ryan's name left my lips I could see her tense up and flush. She wasn't surprised so much about the topic more so than the timing. Why not a few yrs ago during the "gym" years - which could have been construed as inappropriate? She made clear nothing went on between them. Fine. But i've cleared the air and she's upset. I can see from her perspective how insulting this might be. But my feelings are valid too and I don't regret bringing it up. It's been 2 days. I'll give her space and see what she has to say when she's ready.

OP, as a wife with a generally awesome marriage, I can say that if my husband came to me like you did (and I had done nothing with this man), I would probably have the following reactions all at once:
1) Anger/betrayal that you had read my texts. My husband and I know each other's phone passwords and we regularly leave our phones out when we're not around or we use each other's phones if needed, but I would still be upset if my husband went behind my back to read my texts because we have never discussed doing that and have a general notion of respecting each other's privacy.
2) Sadness/sympathy that I had made my husband feel insecure about our marriage and sadness/sympathy that I had done anything to make him think I didn't love him enough to never cheat on him and sadness/sympathy that he had felt embarrassed by things other had said.
3) Offense/astonishment that my husband would think I am the kind of person who would ever cheat on him, given that I have never intentionally given him any reason to think I would do something like that or that I was the kind of person who would cheat on their spouse.

There are probably more emotions I would have, but my point to you was that depending on which emotion escaped my body first (i.e. 1 or 3), I could see that perhaps my initial reaction might not be to respond kindly. Over the course of 2 days I would hope I would be able to see things more rationally, but it's possible that even though I love my husband very much and would never want to see him upset or embarrassed and it would break my heart if he thought I would cheat on him, I would also have conflicting negative emotions that might be what comes out of me.

So I am the only one who would laugh and be kind of flattered. I'd be glad that DH still thinks I have it and that the neighbor would be interested. I cannot believe getting upset about this since it seems so far fetched for me.

[Anonymous]

Op around?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheaters cheat, non-cheaters don't cheat

Is your wife character... a cheater or not.

That is your answer.

I don't know about this. I use to think that. I never thought my spouse was the type of person who would ever cheat and they did. I'm a pretty judge of character and I would have said they weren't a cheater by character. It appears that life is not so black and white.

Definitely!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is wildly overreacting to you reading her texts.

Also, texts can deleted so not sure that this helped. Emails can be deleted too. Internet history can be cleared. Without an IT background and a lot of work, checking her phone won’t yield useful information even if she was.

She probably has feelings for him. I know I would in that situation. What you don’t know is if she did anything with those feelings and you may never know.

To you and others it is always the woman to blame. If it was the opposite and the wife snooped and found nothing but was upset you would say she's a shrew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I don’t know, op, where were you when she was sidling up to this neighbor? Fine if all they did was run together, fine if all they did was chat at neighborhood parties, but why the texting and leaving you out? That would annoy me. I’d also be annoyed if my husband preferred to sit with another woman then with me, to the point that I’d go over and have a seat or my husband and I would not be having a pleasant evening when we got home.
Your problem is you let this go on to long. Your other problem is that you weren’t present enough meaning, you treated your wife well like a wife and not like a beloved partner. Go back to how you treated her when you guys were newly dating and with that mindset nobody can mess up the relationship… unless something is wrong with one of you or one of you didn’t like the other one as much as you might have hoped.
This isn’t keeping an eye on someone it’s letting them and the world know you have a special relationship and that relationship is known and respected by everybody you interact with.
As for the wife giving you the silent treatment, that’s abusive.If that’s what she’s doing I’d call her out on it. I might even say “you like this guy enough to stop speaking to me.. let’s discuss divorce”. Say it without anger and mean what you say, there is nothing wrong with discussing changing the legalities of a relationship. People do it all the time, think marriage and adoption and those are happy conversations if not just conversations. No reason divorce can’t be handled in the same way.

But op has admitted that he also gives silent treatment to his wife. Is that obusive or only when the wife is doing it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here (there was a previous "OP" with a flip response - not me)

wasn't expecting quite the lengthy thread. Thanks for the serious replies.

The irony in all of this is that I brought up this topic to improve our relationship for the long run. Let me explain. I'm not a perfect husband. I've given her the silent treatment on occasions over the years as has she. Our communication in general needs improvement. Maybe some counseling. Recently i've been opening up about various things to mixed/surprised reactions from her. I love her dearly and I believe she loves me. We have our health, awesome kids, financial stability, and generally a great life. I'm not looking to blow it up. On the contrary, I wanted to pull the band aid on something that has been on my mind for quite a while. It may be (and i hope it is) perfectly innocent. Great! But as her husband I want her to know how i've been perceiving all of this.
One pp noted that in a healthy relationship, both spouses have a right to discuss their concerns, suspicions, etc openly. 100% pp. 100%.

To be clear, I did NOT accuse her of any wrong doing and made it very clear to her that I was not doing so when we talked. I stated my observations and thoughts that are a culmination of multiple years of experiences. We're in the midwest, so it could be a cultural thing? (we're both transplants here) I truly don't know if anything has transpired and I may never know. What I do know with near certainty is that others in our neighbor group have noted and they likely noted years ago. I can read a room.

As soon as Ryan's name left my lips I could see her tense up and flush. She wasn't surprised so much about the topic more so than the timing. Why not a few yrs ago during the "gym" years - which could have been construed as inappropriate? She made clear nothing went on between them. Fine. But i've cleared the air and she's upset. I can see from her perspective how insulting this might be. But my feelings are valid too and I don't regret bringing it up. It's been 2 days. I'll give her space and see what she has to say when she's ready.

OP, as a wife with a generally awesome marriage, I can say that if my husband came to me like you did (and I had done nothing with this man), I would probably have the following reactions all at once:
1) Anger/betrayal that you had read my texts. My husband and I know each other's phone passwords and we regularly leave our phones out when we're not around or we use each other's phones if needed, but I would still be upset if my husband went behind my back to read my texts because we have never discussed doing that and have a general notion of respecting each other's privacy.
2) Sadness/sympathy that I had made my husband feel insecure about our marriage and sadness/sympathy that I had done anything to make him think I didn't love him enough to never cheat on him and sadness/sympathy that he had felt embarrassed by things other had said.
3) Offense/astonishment that my husband would think I am the kind of person who would ever cheat on him, given that I have never intentionally given him any reason to think I would do something like that or that I was the kind of person who would cheat on their spouse.

There are probably more emotions I would have, but my point to you was that depending on which emotion escaped my body first (i.e. 1 or 3), I could see that perhaps my initial reaction might not be to respond kindly. Over the course of 2 days I would hope I would be able to see things more rationally, but it's possible that even though I love my husband very much and would never want to see him upset or embarrassed and it would break my heart if he thought I would cheat on him, I would also have conflicting negative emotions that might be what comes out of me.

So I am the only one who would laugh and be kind of flattered. I'd be glad that DH still thinks I have it and that the neighbor would be interested. I cannot believe getting upset about this since it seems so far fetched for me.

lol same. If I try to dress sexy DH laughs at me

[Anonymous]

Just tell DW to have sex with him and get it over with