Wife friendship with male neighbor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has a crush on the guy, but they haven’t taken it to the next level.

Tell her you don’t want solo contact between them and you or his wife must always be included in texts.

We have a wife in our group who insists she is on all texts involving her husband. None of the rest of us do that. And honestly, her husband isn't at the top of anyone's list anyway, so it's odd to me that she's so possessive. It feels like she treats him like a child.

He probably cheated in the past and she has PTSD.

Therapists often recommend this type of transparency when there has been past cheating and the couple decides to stay married.

It sounds exhausting to me, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has a crush on the guy, but they haven’t taken it to the next level.

Tell her you don’t want solo contact between them and you or his wife must always be included in texts.

I agree with the first part but not the second.

Maybe she likes him, likes talking to him, etc. But if the texts were all innocuous then it is a non-issue.

And trying to be included on all the text strings is annoying and not useful. Won’t keep anything from happening if something is going to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If there’s nothing in the texts for years then there’s nothing going on

Or, they are simply bright enough to not memorialize their infidelity. I had a 2 year affair in my first marriage and I never discussed sex via text. My AP's name was Lindsey but I put her in my phone as Justin who was a coworker.

[Anonymous]

OP, let her process this. Let her process what you said. Don't need to further emphasize your point of view. She will likely tweak/pivot re: this neighbor relationship. She will find a new normal and even if she doesn't give your comments as a reason, they likely mattered. Just don't press it for now. don't apologize either. Before you could assume she hadn't cheated. Assume it now. Assume it for a bit longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheaters cheat, non-cheaters don't cheat

Is your wife character... a cheater or not.

That is your answer.

I don't know about this. I use to think that. I never thought my spouse was the type of person who would ever cheat and they did. I'm a pretty judge of character and I would have said they weren't a cheater by character. It appears that life is not so black and white.

No, it’s not that complicated. You married a cheater and he cheated.

You’d like to think his character is better just like you imagined it was before you Caught him cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheaters cheat, non-cheaters don't cheat

Is your wife character... a cheater or not.

That is your answer.

I think this is largely true HOWEVER, I wouldn’t be so sure that we are not all capable of it under the “right” circumstances. Ie my husband is not a cheater but it’s not totally impossible that one day in a particular situation, he might not be tempted beyond his own expectations.

No that's not how it works. If you think that, you are a cheater who has been really good at not cheating. Congrats to you.

Non-cheaters... just never enters the realm of possibility.

NP and I don’t think this is true in general in life. Yes, a person’s character matters but there are many examples of generally decent people who have been in situations where they did not do the right thing. Sometimes “character” is more or less a product of circumstance and a person should not be defined by their worst actions.

Nope.

I’m not defining anybody by their worst actions. I’m just saying that a cheater cheats non-cheaters don’t cheat.

I’m not saying they’re a horrible person and that they have no value, I’m just saying they are cheaters

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheaters cheat, non-cheaters don't cheat

Is your wife character... a cheater or not.

That is your answer.

I think this is largely true HOWEVER, I wouldn’t be so sure that we are not all capable of it under the “right” circumstances. Ie my husband is not a cheater but it’s not totally impossible that one day in a particular situation, he might not be tempted beyond his own expectations.

No that's not how it works. If you think that, you are a cheater who has been really good at not cheating. Congrats to you.

Non-cheaters... just never enters the realm of possibility.

“A cheater who has been really good at not cheating”

🤔🤨

Yet

[Anonymous]

That's how my DH and his mistress started. It's called an emotional affair. "innocent" texts, for years, then more, then much more, then physical, then he filed for divorce to be with her.

Get to marriage counseling asap, to help her realize the path she's on, and fix it/your marriage

[Anonymous]

How frequently were they texting in the old thread?

If you're ever at a point when things happen during your day and your first thought is to text your "friend" of the opposite gender and not your spouse, you are basically having an emotional affair.

Relationships are what you put into them. If you choose to put a lot of energy into a friendship, especially ahead of your marriage, the results will speak for themselves after some time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How frequently were they texting in the old thread?

If you're ever at a point when things happen during your day and your first thought is to text your "friend" of the opposite gender and not your spouse, you are basically having an emotional affair.

Relationships are what you put into them. If you choose to put a lot of energy into a friendship, especially ahead of your marriage, the results will speak for themselves after some time.

This is the salient point. If they are texting a few times per week about personal stuff (feelings, anecdotes, joking around, etc), that's basically indicative that more is happening (either emotionally or physically).

I have long-time friends who I met before my spouse. We live all over the country and mainly stay in touch by sending each other memes over Instagram and occasionally chatting about personal stuff maybe once a month. But mostly our convos are limited to funny memes and commenting on each others pics ("awesome trip! would you recommend that hotel in Mexico for the kids?").

TBH, what you're discussing feels different. This is person who entered your lives in recent years and is in close proximity. There's smoke.

[Anonymous]

Not now but at some point maybe around Christmas, maybe around family reunion time and become super duper interested in ancestry and where you come from and have the whole family do 23 & me😇

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m of the opinion that if you feel uncomfortable about something that your partner is doing you should feel comfortable talking to your spouse without fear of anger or the silent treatment.

Yes but he only talked to her after he snooped through her phone and concluded his investigation into her activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How frequently were they texting in the old thread?

If you're ever at a point when things happen during your day and your first thought is to text your "friend" of the opposite gender and not your spouse, you are basically having an emotional affair.

Relationships are what you put into them. If you choose to put a lot of energy into a friendship, especially ahead of your marriage, the results will speak for themselves after some time.

Wait! This isn’t fair. What if it’s something your bestie can relate to but your husband doesn’t care about? This is on a case by case basis…and not an emotional affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheaters cheat, non-cheaters don't cheat

Is your wife character... a cheater or not.

That is your answer.

I don't know about this. I use to think that. I never thought my spouse was the type of person who would ever cheat and they did. I'm a pretty judge of character and I would have said they weren't a cheater by character. It appears that life is not so black and white.

No, it’s not that complicated. You married a cheater and he cheated.

You’d like to think his character is better just like you imagined it was before you Caught him cheating.

OP here. Lol maybe you are right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m of the opinion that if you feel uncomfortable about something that your partner is doing you should feel comfortable talking to your spouse without fear of anger or the silent treatment.

+1 it’s lousy that she’s giving you silent treatment for telling her your concerns. She’s making it seem like you did something wrong for bringing it up.

Maybe she’s assessing how she feels about the massive breach of privacy her husband committed. I’d be reevaluating whether I wished to stay in a marriage to an insecure, jealous, man who doesn’t trust me and is a poor communicator.