I just don't get people who jeopardize their reality for fantasy. |
I agree with this, I bet she was embarrassed, but also mad at you for being suspicious because she hadn’t acted on those feelings. |
Based on her reaction, she acted all over your neighbor. |
^^^ This ^^^ |
she's gaslighting, plain and simple. |
To the person who is outraged that I am suggesting a broken home for the kids, no, I’m suggesting that divorce is a viable option, just like selling the house and moving is a viable option, and that plan will cause stress too. The marriage may survive a “let’s talk about divorce talk” better than an actual move, yet somehow divorce talk is … just not allowed.
For whatever reason, this situation is something the op is no longer willing to tolerate, and he doesn’t have to. The wife is closer to a man then most people would like, I know I’d not be pleased if my husband was going out with a woman this evening instead of one of his buddies. OP was fine with what his wife was doing until well, he wasn’t. If the wife was a good person, she at least be talking with her husband about all this. She isn’t, and if she’s going to behave this way, far better for op to take care of himself and start the divorce process v. Sitting around waiting and hoping. Me, personally, I could care less what they do. I didn’t post and my husband’s behavior has been fine. If it wasn’t, I’d do what I could about it and the one thing I could do with no participation on his part is end the marriage. OP can too. Being divorced would be preferable then watching your spouse get all gooey over someone else then freeze you out when you point it out to her. F*** that. |
I’ve met a few guys like the OP. They tend to be very passive and submissive. Their wives end up gravitating to a real man who takes charge. The OP won’t change her mind and even if she concedes or admits what she did, it won’t change what happened or what she really wants deep inside. |
You say, "Mostly innocent" texts, which ones weren't "innocent?" Also you say they don't talk much now but what did the texts show since you looked?
Your gut is your gut and you should 100% trust it. |
Agree with PP regarding aggressive but in a good way. If the male friend was giving your DW attention compliments right in front of you which it sounds like that is aggressive and it likely turned her on. I had/have a similar situation and my “friend” approached me at a social function years ago and basically excluded my spouse from the conversation to the extent my spouse went to another room of the party. My friend still seeks me out makes sure I have a drink and comes straight to me whenever I see this person at a social function. And yes I get dressed up for this person. It also has to do with the emotional affair thats been discussed here. If there is a spark between your DW and this friend the EA builds trust and then it is just a matter of time. So I think if your DW was being approached right in front of you it likely was a turn on for her. Whether she acted physically on it who knows but she cheated in a willing way emotionally with him and definitely fantasizes about him. |
Yes, the OP has indeed jeopardized his relationship by letting his imagination take over. He needs to act like an adult and actually talk with his wife. He swears he didn't accuse her of anything, but if he cannot comprehend that anyone would view his actions so far as incredibly accusatory in nature, he's a lost cause. She's immature to go silent, but she also likely feels totally blindsided, and is wondering if he's spent the last several years stewing over this silently, while putting on a fake-happy face in front of her. He seems oblivious to this, and prefers thinking he's in the right to actually communicating like an adult with the person he's supposed to love. It's almost as if OP wants to find out she had an affair, so he can feel justified in his suspicions and snooping. The people posting glib little "listen to you gut" jabs here about the wife are aholes contributing to his Need To Be Right and probably to the demise of the marriage, too. A woman can have a male friend who really is only a friend, but that seems to be beyond OP's and DCUM's ability to understand. And yeah, I'd say the same about a husband with a female friend. |
Yes, really. Of course I communicate with my husband and I do tell him to his face when I have an issue, but I can also vent with my friends about the fact that he left the soy sauce contained sitting directly under the cabinet in which it lives for two days until the cleaners came because we like to laugh about the fact that our husbands sometimes do dumb things. I'm not angry with him about it. I don't need to talk to him about it. But he also doesn't need to know that my friends and I make fun of our husbands sometimes. It's not like I'm telling my friend that I hate my husband or want a divorce or have big issues in our marriage. That I would obviously discuss with him. But I also appreciate the ability to be able to vent with my friends without my husband knowing about it. So yeah, I would be upset if he read through all my messages because I didn't do anything wrong but I could nonetheless see how his feelings could be hurt and why bother having that conversation? I love him deeply, our marriage is amazing, our life is wonderful, but living with another person means sometimes they get on your nerves and it's ok to talk to friends about that without needing to bring it up to your spouse. |
I'm similarly a woman with male friends, but if my husband questioned any of those relationships (depending on how he did it), I would respond kindly and acknowledge his feelings. I would be upset if he didn't believe me that nothing was going on, but I wouldn't be a jerk about it and ignore his perceptions or his feelings or how he thought it looked. I wouldn't just give up the relationship with my friend, but I think it's unkind to say that you would be upset if your husband came to you and said he was bothered by it. |
OP, as a wife with a generally awesome marriage, I can say that if my husband came to me like you did (and I had done nothing with this man), I would probably have the following reactions all at once: 1) Anger/betrayal that you had read my texts. My husband and I know each other's phone passwords and we regularly leave our phones out when we're not around or we use each other's phones if needed, but I would still be upset if my husband went behind my back to read my texts because we have never discussed doing that and have a general notion of respecting each other's privacy. 2) Sadness/sympathy that I had made my husband feel insecure about our marriage and sadness/sympathy that I had done anything to make him think I didn't love him enough to never cheat on him and sadness/sympathy that he had felt embarrassed by things other had said. 3) Offense/astonishment that my husband would think I am the kind of person who would ever cheat on him, given that I have never intentionally given him any reason to think I would do something like that or that I was the kind of person who would cheat on their spouse. There are probably more emotions I would have, but my point to you was that depending on which emotion escaped my body first (i.e. 1 or 3), I could see that perhaps my initial reaction might not be to respond kindly. Over the course of 2 days I would hope I would be able to see things more rationally, but it's possible that even though I love my husband very much and would never want to see him upset or embarrassed and it would break my heart if he thought I would cheat on him, I would also have conflicting negative emotions that might be what comes out of me. |
This is a great post. And bonus points for the use of perseverating. |
Reaction # 1 is moot - OP clarified that he never let his wife know that he read her texts. OP - is there a status update? |