You're so brave. Putting your needs first. Quitting is easy. |
Oh but you didn't mention abuse now did you? The examples you DID mention can be worked through if you're made of strong enough stuff, don't give up so easily, and put in the effort. |
otherwise you work through it "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until parted by death." remember those vows? all those clauses are in there for a reason. |
I've been married for 20 years and know plenty. My parents had a highly dysfunctional marriage. I have two divorced siblings and one long married sibling. I'm not being judgmental, I know marriage is hard, but I truly believe that if you have children, you owe it TO THEM to try to make it work unless you are dealing with actual abuse in which case I hope you get the support you need to leave. The key here is that you have to *work* on it. The idea that your options are "put up with a crap marriage" or "divorce" is in itself a childish way of thinking about this. You had children with this person, sit down and try to hammer it out so it works. You owe your kids that, at a minimum. |
There’s less nuance than you seem to think. Yes if marriages can be improved in the relatively short term (not years, because by that point you’ve already wrecked your children’s childhood and given them warped ideas about healthy relationships) you might be well served to do it. On the other hand, again, I’m not raising my kids to think you tolerate high conflict or freeloading or laziness. “Improving” it for years and years is just tolerating it by a different name. You’ve decided to tolerate your husbands freeloading, which is a choice you can make for yourself and your kids, but isn’t a choice you can make for someone else. |
So now everyone gets married in your church? God you’re just self righteous. |
You are the best person. Better than your parents and siblings. Definitely let your entire family know how awesome you are and how much they are hurting your nieces/nephews. |
I’m a DP, but I think a lot of the people who think they’re “working on it” aren’t actually giving their children what they owe. There are people who have been in marital therapy for years. Years. A kid is home for 18 years, building memories for about 14-15 of those, if you spend 1/3-1/2 of their childhood so unhappy you needed professional intervention, do you really think you gave them the “best” upbringing? |
those are pretty standard Courthouse wedding vows as well. What were yours? "I promise to love, honor and cherish you all the days of my life[u] until I don't?" |
The alternative is shuttling between mom and dad's house like a nomad. This isn't best either. |
You're also teaching your kids that when the going gets tough, get going. People want to screech about academic rigor, resilience, and grit in their children making them standouts, but don't exactly model that themselves. |
This. We had a friend who left her husband “because of his drinking” which was well known and widely observed. A few people preached to her about how she was abandoning him in an illness when she needed to be his support. She later told a select few of us (the ones that didn’t drop her or preach to her) that every time he got drunk he beat her. Be careful when you pass judgement. Pointing a finger points three back at you. |
Except if you read what I said, I don’t say get going. I say if things can be improved in the short term, it’s worth it to try. But no I wouldn’t counsel my children to waste their lives or their children’s lives tolerating poor treatment so they could give themselves a gold participation badge. |
Had a similar childhood and agree. |
Ok but don't go on and on about modeling healthy relationships as being the utmost importance when you turn around and offer the kids a crap alternative like having no regular home and living out of a suitcase that goes back and forth because you couldn't figure out how to divide household labor. You obviously win, but the kids aren't better off. |