Vent: My son unintentionally shamed my brother, who then "told on me" to our parents
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Anonymous
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Like many other women who post here, I am in my 30's, married with three kids, a dog, a house, a job. I have an older brother who has none of those things and lives with our parents - my dad still works and mom works part time. It's not really clear WHY my brother doesn't work, or hasn't moved out of my parents' home. I moved out for college and never went back. He spent 6.5 years attempting college and never graduated but sure partied a lot, complete with DUI's and academic probation at least twice that I know about. I kind of pulled away to do my own thing.
Every two or three months my brother will come over for dinner, sleep here, have brunch, then go back to our childhood home. DS7 asked this morning what he does, when my brother said something about being exhausted. They started having a conversation about jobs and career, and DS got frustrated with not understanding why my brother doesn't work. After about 90 seconds (at most) I put a stop to it and we moved on. Eventually my brother went home but I just got a call from my father for allowing DS to shame my brother and nobody should be giving him a hard time. This has gone on so long that I no longer engage in arguments about why they're wrong for supporting my brother's inertia and lack of drive, but my father tried to insist DS and I owe my brother an apology. Absolutely not. Dad put my mom on the phone to talk me into it. She said my brother felt shamed and judged and his feelings are hurt. I pointed out that if a 42 year old man feels shame about never having held a job for more than a week, then that's his issue to sort out. The enabling is off the charts here. I won't even get into how much they coddled him as the first born and a son, and I started saving for college at 14 with babysitting and after school jobs and worked all through college. How my brother has never paid my parents rent or any of their bills or helped with groceries or cleaned their house or done his OWN laundry. If he takes out the trash it's such an exciting moment that it gets talked about. I love my parents. They're good, kind people who work hard. But they gave me an example of how NOT to raise a son. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like your son was parroting comments and sentiments you yourself had expressed. You invited someone to your home only to mock him and enlist your elementary school son in the process. That is no way to treat a guest. You owe him an apology. I suggest counseling to deal with your deep rooted latent hostility and anger towards your family. They’re all obviously fine with their living and support arrangements. You, on the other hand, are seething with rage. Please get help soon and stop attacking those who love you. |
Anonymous
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I completely empathize. My older brother is similar, though he finished college at a very impressive university and his mba. In his mid 20s, he got off track. In his case he definitely has untreated mental illness, bipolar, but refuses to acknowledge or get help. My parents paid for him until their death.
My kids know he’s not a good example but they know he loves them. Given his unpredictable behavior and the fact that we live far away, I limit their exposure to him. It is painful and hard to be the responsible sibling. I’m still dealing with taxes he didn’t file for my dad before he died, and of course he can’t contribute to pay them off… No answer, accept continue to keep him at a distance. The fact that he was shamed by innocent questions from a 7 year old tells you a lot. You wouldn’t want to trade laces with him, so maybe feel sorry for him . |
Anonymous
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Your seven year old got frustrated with not understanding why your brother doesn't work? LOL
Look clearly you are entitled to your opinion but you are in the wrong here. Don't be a jerk and don't project things on to your kids. |
Anonymous
+1,000. How passive aggressive and asinine OP! |
Anonymous
Are you the brother? |
Anonymous
| OP, I think you and your son haven’t done anything wrong but as you say in your post there’s little to be gained by fighting with your parents about it. The main thing in would say is that you should stop inviting your brother for dinner/overnight/brunch. Maybe give him a “sorry you felt uncomfortable” apology yourself, try not to speak judgingly of him in front of your DS, and move on with your life. |
Anonymous
DH and I are very careful to not talk in front of the kids about my brother. I think it was more that DS doesn't know any grown men without jobs, and was thinking out loud as he struggled to understand the situation. All he sees is my brother sitting or laying on the couch when he's here. He won't even play on the floor with the kids or go outside to draw with chalk on the driveway. Also, we don't invite my brother. My mother calls and announces she's "sending" him over. He used to try to bring dirty laundry thinking I'd do it for him. DH finally told him after the 4th or 5th time that was never going to happen. |
Anonymous
No OP, I’m not. |
Anonymous
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Give the apology.
However, also say that you hope he understands that you expect your son to be fully employed and are raising him that way. While he's at your home you expect him to instill those same values and not give your son the impression that not having a job and living with parents at 42 is acceptable. So wither own up to his mistakes, don't bring it up again, or don't come over. His choice. |
Anonymous
I don’t believe you. Seven year olds are not that obsessed with adult jobs, even in DC. You sound high pressure and anxiety ridden OP. I wouldn’t want to be your brother and I wouldn’t want to be your son! |
Anonymous
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1. Your son did nothing wrong.
2. You were right to put a stop to the interrogation. You did nothing wrong. 3. You were right to say what you did to your parents. You did nothing wrong. Most people like your brother have undiagnosed, untreated, mental health disorders. They are too old to change much, unfortunately. The most common disorder is autism, which comes with all sorts of executive function issues, mental rigidity, social anxiety and OCD. Usually it's one of the latter symptoms that people see. ADHD and anxiety can be medicated, but autism needs to be addressed behaviorally from a young age, because there's no medication and you can only build social skills and life habits, not change the underlying neurodivergence. If your brother is also tired, maybe he has a physical condition, such as sleep apnea. He should consult his doctor, if he can be persuaded to do so. |
Anonymous
| I don’t have a sibling that is non productive like this but I don’t find it odd that a 7 year old would know that most grown ups work - probably except for some parents that stay home to take care of their kids. Of course if a struck k the kid as confusing trying to understand what a grown adult without kids DOES for money if the answer is nothing. |
Anonymous
Right. My guess is that OP obsessed about these topics at home, and loudly. Seven year olds DO listen and pick up everything, even when you think they don’t. Shame on you OP. You’re letting your family issues spill over to your children. Do better! |
Anonymous
OP has nothing to apologize for. Children have the right to ask questions, and OP cut off her kid pretty quickly. If the brother has a problem with OP, he should approach OP directly. The parents are entirely out of line and OP owes them no apology. If the brother wants to contact OP directly, maybe she can apologize to her brother directly. |