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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
Wife is not a good sham
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Anonymous
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I've put off making this post for while because I feel like I already know the responses I will get but just need to make it. I need some guidance to understand and keep my sanity. Help me navigate this.
My wife and I have two children, an infant and a toddler. She is a great mom who adores our kids. My wife worked PT with our older child but transitioned to a stay-at-home mom when our second came. I was fully on board because I felt it would take a lot of stress off her plate and make life easier. So far, that hasn't been the case. She doesn't seem like she does much. The house is a disaster every night, I do 90% of the cooking, and I try to help out as much as I can on the weekends. Our oldest is in PT daycare and we have a PT nanny that helps with both kids. We have semi-weekly housekeeper but my wife has been insisting we need her every week to help manage the house. I thought my wife would be more involved, not less. I'm growing tired of it. I feel she should be more active in parenting and maintaining our house. I want to approach the subject but I don't want to cause hurt her feelings or make her think I feel she's a bad wife/mother. |
Anonymous
| Infant and toddler are really hard years. Kids that age require endless work and attention, except for when they are asleep. Your wife probably has no break except for the PT nanny and PT daycare, but then she's probably scrambling to do grocery shopping and laundry? Really, there is just so much to do at those ages, I am exhausted again just thinking about it. My kids are teens now and everything is much more calm, and I'm back at work. Just let the house go for a few more years, continue to be as supportive as you can, and things will get better I promise. And also, enjoy the kids while they are little, because those are the cutest years!! |
Anonymous
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Probably hormonal changes during pregnancy, childbirth and babies are exhausting your wife.
She might be mildly depressed so suggest walking and working out for her. |
Anonymous
| Question for the OP: Do your infant and toddler sleep through the night? Or if they do, how early do they wake up? Who gets up when they wake up, either in the middle night or in the morning? Is your wife breast-feeding? Don’t underestimate the need for sleep and the impact it can have and you’re chronically not getting it. |
Anonymous
| If I were in your position I’d be pretty annoyed too, OP. If she has a nanny and daycare, she should be able to keep on top of the house easily. Women who work with kids do this just fine. Maybe suggest she go back to a part time job? |
Anonymous
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Have you asked your wife if she likes being a SAHM? Is it what she expected? In her opinion, what works well and not well? How does she structure her days?
I think you need to get her to open up on all of this as a starting point. |
Anonymous
OP here. I do the laundry on the off weeks and the housekeeper does all the linens and laundry when she’s here. We both do grocery shopping on the weekends once every 3 months ( Costco) and get weekly groceries delivered. She gets a break. Our son goes to PT daycare ( full day) 3 days a week. Our nanny is there there for half days 5 days a week. On the daycare days, she cares for the baby, and cares for my oldest son on days they are both home. Both kids sleep through the night and take solid naps. Our 6 month old is still napping 3.5 hours out of the day. Our 2.5 year old naps 2 hours at the same time as our infant. |
Anonymous
All this—also—how old is said infant? And might your wife be suffering from PPD? Tool. |
Anonymous
| For the sake of your marriage, try to hold off discussing this for a few more years. I had twins and under 3 was the worst. |
Anonymous
| Why is she a SAHM? Does she think it is something she SHOULD do vs something she wants to do? I was a SAHM and it made my PPD worse. I wasn't as bad as your wife but I struggled hard to do things. I went back to work PT and it made a huge difference. |
Anonymous
| What happens after you get home? |
Anonymous
I have teens and I have done both WOH and SAH, without the amount of help OP's DW has. Let the house go and continue to be supportive is one way to go, but returning to work PT might be a better plan. OP you need to sit down with DW to discuss finances, and come to a decision together. |
Anonymous
| But is she a good pillowcase |
Anonymous
| She’s taking care of a baby all day OP. Slow your roll. You can clean when you get home. She’s not actually your housekeeper. |
Anonymous
OP here. Both sleep through the night. 6 month old sleep - 7pm - 7am. Naps 9-10, 12-2, and 4-4:30. 2.5 year old - 8pm - 7am, naps 12-2. They both rarely ever wake up. My 2.5 year old will wake up maybe once a week but that’s usually to potty and that’s it. We both get up depending on the week. Our 6 month old is sleep trained and doesn’t need to tended to during the night. If he wakes up, it’s usually to reposition and he goes back to sleep. We all get up together as a family. I get up earlier to work out + get ready for work. I make everyone breakfast and we all eat together. Then I start work at 8am. At night, I’m done working by 5/6pm and I cook, spend time with the kids, and help put them to bed. We tackle this together. Then I will clean up for the day while my wife showers or relaxes. My wife isn’t breastfeeding. She stopped at 4 months. |