And to clarify, my kids have not been exposed to any of this in divorce one likely won’t be (5 years divorced and counting) |
You’re both clearly such amazing people. Much, much better than what OP describes. Kudos 🙄 |
+100 |
So when SHOULD you get divorced? Never? Never any reason ever? |
Maybe your home but not mine. And it doesn't take guts to leave it takes guts to stay, ride the roller coaster, and work on issues. Leaving is the easy gutless thing to do. |
No in some cases it truly takes guts to leave. It’s like you’ve never heard of abuse. Are you dumb? |
What a privileged and dumb thing to say. Would you say the same to a woman who is being physically abused? How about the one whose husband isolates her from friends and family so he can control her? |
The "save the marriage" baby. An attempt to try to salvage the family. |
I'm staying and I have no idea if it's the right choice or not. I don't know how everyone's so sure either way. I had one couple's therapist who thought we were great together and one was giving me domestic abuse hotlines. For right now I'm getting as much space as I can while still living together, and we'll see how it goes. |
Staying is easy. Leaving is hard. Cowards stay. And women who can’t support themselves. Many times, issues can’t be “worked out.” |
+1 and financial abuse, and emotional abuse and public disrespect, and marital rape or reproductive coercion |
NP but based on OP's argument, I think they are basically saying you should avoid divorce when kids are young enough for it to impact their day to day. I would also assume that in cases of abuse, the inconvenience of divorce would be worth not modeling an abusive relationship. This is basically an argument for people in non-abusive relationships to tough it out for the kids even if bored, not having sex, growing apart, etc. And I think it's a good argument. Everyone makes sacrifices for their kids (or should). |
Don’t model for your children things you don’t expect them to tolerate. |
Yes, but the point here is that some of the reasons people get divorced are actually things we DO expect kids to tolerate. Boredom is part of life. Long-term relationships with anyone require dealing with annoyances, reconciling different goals and needs, working through conflicts to remember what you liked about them in the first place. Abuse is a hard line for me, and not just physical abuse-- verbal or emotional abuse, or abusive patterns of gaslighting and undermining that really mess with a person psychologically. You don't want to expose your kid to any of that. But often people get divorced because they "grew apart" or "want different things" or one or both think they *might* be happier with someone else. And if you don't have kids or your kids are grown? Why not, to for it. But those are really not good reasons to throw out a family and force children into joint custody arrangements. Divorce also has an annoying ability to create continual conflict in families, because the second you split, the parents are now in competition with each other for time with kids, time without kids, resources, etc. If there is not abuse, be a freaking grown up and figure out how to do what is best for the kids. Most divorced compromise the kids' well being. I'll allow that some small percent manage a cordial divorce with minimal impact on kids (live near each other, co-parent well, no custody or support arguments). Most don't. |
Stay or go. It's all hard. marriage is just plain hard. Just be present if you are staying.You are staying right now but you can go at any time. |