If you were from a family with a golden child and scapegoat, how did they turn out as adults?

[Anonymous]

The dynamic when we were growing up with a personality-disordered parent was my older sister was the scapegoat and brother was the golden child. I, the middle child, probably had the easiest time in avoiding her attention and venom. My sister and I always distracted our mother when she was losing it with the other child. So, the roles varied sometimes. My sister carries a lot of baggage, and is the only one still in contact with our mother. My brother loves with me, and still hasn’t launched, even as he pushes 40.

I did learn that being either scapegoat or golden child are their own kinds of abuse and hell. We are all damaged, but not all in the same way. We are all close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does it mean to be the scapegoat?

The scapegoat is blamed for everything that goes wrong.

[Anonymous]

I was my mother’s scapegoat and my father’s golden child. It was the reverse for one of my brothers. I’m fine today. My brother is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does it mean to be the scapegoat?

The scapegoat is blamed for everything that goes wrong.

I think in some cases it can be renamed “punching bag”..the one who receives all the hatred.

[Anonymous]

I think my Golden Child brother is the one most likely to reproduce similar dynamics in his own family due to never having examined his own psychological issues. He clearly has assigned roles to his own children with a clear golden child and scapegoat. scapegoats are sometimes labeled “escape-goats” because we know enough to get away from the dysfunction as adults and we are the most likely to get therapy and not pass on dysfunctional patterns to the next generation. Yay us!

[Anonymous]

Is having the good one and the screwup the same dynamic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am realizing I have always been my mother and brother’s scapegoat. I didn't recognize this dynamic as a child and told myself they had much more in common. As an adult, it's heightened as my brother who was groomed to be highly successful hasn't lived up to my family’s expectations and has ramped up his cruelty, and a lot of times, it feels like my mom goes along with it to make him feel better. Ironically, I ended up doing better academically and financially as an adult and have some nice kids but it still feels like no matter what I'm still the difficult or crazy one.

I completely relate. Brilliant GC is now unemployed due to difficult behavior in workplace. Relationships go up in flames. Still the favorite and very enmeshed with Mommy. I can do no right, but am happily married, enjoying motherhood and love my job.

This is more common than I thought. I’m also the scapegoat. My Golden child brother is violent, mentally ill and has chronic health issues due to obesity and general neglect of his health. At 40 he still lives with my parents and can’t hold a job long. Dropped out of college. I’m not super successful, but I make 6 figures, have a nice family, own a home and have some good friendships despite having a lot of emotional issues due to my upbringing.

[Anonymous]

My nephew was the golden child, mÿ son the scapegoat.

My nephew is a snob. At family gatherings he and his wife will sit off by themselves quietly talking. He said that's the only way they can have intelligent conversations.

My son struggles. Depression, anxiety, lack of meaningful relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does it mean to be the scapegoat?

The scapegoat is blamed for everything that goes wrong.

I think in some cases it can be renamed “punching bag”..the one who receives all the hatred.

00:11 here. That certainly describes my son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother, 2 years older than me, was the namesake of my grandfather and of the infant child who died earlier. Golden Boy suffered from mental illness, as did my father. Golden Boy sodomized me when I was 11, both parents knew, did not care. Haven’t spoke with Golden Boy since 1989, Father died in 1995, spoke to my mother briefly twice between 1989 and her death in 2020. I did not attend her services. P

Wow I am so sorry

[Anonymous]

I’m giving my narcissistic mother credit for doling out cruelty, gaslighting, neglect and manipulative behavior evenly between me and my sibling. At various times we were the golden child or the scapegoat as she always needed to pit us against each other. As adults we are quite close and have bonded over our shared experiences.

[Anonymous]

Scapegoat sister: Degrees from top universities, unemployed, volatile, challenging relationships, nasty divorce (due to her cheating and vindictiveness), uses her child as a pawn, enmeshed with mom, gets lots of handouts and help from mom. Constant dramas. Will deal with the same things we all deal with, but it erupts and she is the victim. Tries to throw me under the bus, even after we distanced completely. Now mom will accuse me of not returning her calls, i simply say "that is correct" and change the subject.

Me/scapegoat: Enjoy my job, happily married, enjoy motherhood and protect my kids. Have faced many challenges, but I deal with them without drama and chaos. I get therapy when needed and don't expect anyone to rescue me or be my pacifier. Nice friends. Very vigilant for red flags and avoid/distance from those like sibling. I have strong boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think my Golden Child brother is the one most likely to reproduce similar dynamics in his own family due to never having examined his own psychological issues. He clearly has assigned roles to his own children with a clear golden child and scapegoat. scapegoats are sometimes labeled “escape-goats” because we know enough to get away from the dysfunction as adults and we are the most likely to get therapy and not pass on dysfunctional patterns to the next generation. Yay us!

I just posted, but had not heard this before and it totally fits. Yes, I went from "scapegoat" to "escape goat." My father didn't scapegoat me and he also was a buffer so once he passed away I had to distance more and I finally got therapy to face the family dynamics. The sad thing is, I couldn't do it for me, but when it saw how it impacted my kids I got into therapy and now for the sake of them, my husband and me, I have rock solid boundaries. they keep trying to draw us back in and it's just constant chaos. The sad thing is what sets off chaos is every day things. I have annoying coworkers, so i am polite and professional, but don't get involved. My sibling, starts fights, files complaints, makes accusations, gets fired. I disagree with my husband calmly, there was a rough patch when one of our kids was diagnosed with special needs and we got help. She backstabbed, cheated, tired to destroy her husband's career and tried to turn the kids against him, but she is totally against therapy and looks down on it. If a relative pissed her off she calls that cousin's parent and tries to start trouble. I literally just excuse myself, talk to someone else, assume the cousin had the best of intentions and let it go. A cousin we barely see didn't invite any of us to his wedding. I didn't mind at all and still congratulated him and welcomed his wife when I saw him a year later. No hard feelings. She started a huge family drama and got herself a last minute invite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am realizing I have always been my mother and brother’s scapegoat. I didn't recognize this dynamic as a child and told myself they had much more in common. As an adult, it's heightened as my brother who was groomed to be highly successful hasn't lived up to my family’s expectations and has ramped up his cruelty, and a lot of times, it feels like my mom goes along with it to make him feel better. Ironically, I ended up doing better academically and financially as an adult and have some nice kids but it still feels like no matter what I'm still the difficult or crazy one.

I completely relate. Brilliant GC is now unemployed due to difficult behavior in workplace. Relationships go up in flames. Still the favorite and very enmeshed with Mommy. I can do no right, but am happily married, enjoying motherhood and love my job.

This is more common than I thought. I’m also the scapegoat. My Golden child brother is violent, mentally ill and has chronic health issues due to obesity and general neglect of his health. At 40 he still lives with my parents and can’t hold a job long. Dropped out of college. I’m not super successful, but I make 6 figures, have a nice family, own a home and have some good friendships despite having a lot of emotional issues due to my upbringing.

Very similar here. I'm the scapegoat. My Golden Child brother is in his 50s and has been unemployed for the better part of the last decade (and has been divorced even longer). He can't hold a job and is (in my opinion) unpleasant to be around. I'm not super successful, but own a home and "have some good friendships despite having a lot of emotional issues due to my upbringing." I arguably should be a lot more successful, but it's a miracle to me that I'm doing as well as I am. Moving away from the dysfunction probably helped.

[Anonymous]

If you ask the golden child they will still feel like victims and blame everyone for their problems so not having any self awareness is hard for them to see they were ever the favorite