I think clique status depends a little bit on how people conduct themselves within the broader group. If you have a setting with a large group of people (an office, a school community, etc.), of course some people are going to form friendships within the bigger group and will sometimes get together with those friends without inviting others. I don't think that's cliquey by itself. But how that group conducts itself when they are with the rest of the community could be cliquey. Things like: - A group of friends in an office who talk about their weekend or evening outings in front of others, or who only ever want to work with people in their friend group - A group of moms on the PTA who don't invite other parents to volunteer and just do all the events with just one another. Or, in OP's case, if the women who get together for these Friday outings often talk about them in front of her without inviting her (unclear if that happens) I also think that if a friend group encompasses almost everyone in the broader community except a few people, it's cliquey not to just invite those few people. You might not like it because there might be reasons you find those people annoying or not as fun. But then form a smaller group. If there are 20 moms in the neighborhood who all send their kids to the same school, getting together with 15 of them but not inviting the other 5 is cliquey even if you have a reason not to want to invite them. People still do it, but don't be surprised when it the people who were excluded then dislike you or feel hurt because duh. |
Your story isn't of a mom clique. |
+2 |
Op, I'm curious what your upbringing was like? I can't really judge the situation or the tension but what you described sounds innocuous. |
Also just noting that a lot of this behavior is something prior generations would have viewed as just being a function of manners. Like I think of my mom and my aunts, and they would consider it just poor manners to have a party where you invite 3/4 of the people on the block but not the other 1/4. You might be tempted to do it, but good manners would dictate you be inclusive and also be polite and welcoming to the people you were reluctant to invite. Doing otherwise would be considered tacky, even though it would be easier and certainly more comfortable. You make the sacrifice out of an ethical obligation, in order to promote more social cohesion and avoid making enemies. I think when we tossed out other ideas about manners that started to seem antiquated (using more formal language in addressing each other, treating men and women very differently, etc.) we also got rid of these manners because people started to dislike the idea of basically forcing yourself to do something unpleasant in the name of being polite. But manners designed to be inclusive and avoid creating factions and bad feelings are actually fundamentally progressive. And the funny thing is that some people DO enforce these manners for their kids, but not themselves. Like a lot of parents will tell their kids "no, you can't invite just 8 of the 10 girls in class to your party -- you can have a small party with just 2-3 friends OR you can invite all the girls, but you can exclude just a couple people." But then they would absolutely do this exact thing themselves when organizing a party of their own. People don't always recognize why their own behavior is rude, and are good at normalizing/justifying rude behavior for themselves even if they could easily recognize the issue with it if someone else did it. |
[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The worst part is OP its making it unnecessarily hard for her kid(s) to socialize. And even if your kids are prefectly nice, one wants to engage with the Red Flag Mama [/quote]
Red Flag Mamas are a hard no for me. Their kids can be really nice but I only let my kids play with them at school because I don't want to have to coordinate a playdate with RFM.[/quote] Nice projection, Red Flag “Mama”! p.s.: Mama? Really? |
+1 |
She could have just let it roll off her back and been as unbothered as she claims. |
The only information we have is they all have kids at the same school. This doesn’t sound like everyone on her street but her, all the other girl moms in the class, all the team moms but her, all the PTA moms but one, etc. 15 moms from one school means a whole lot of people were excluded. |
She could’ve done a backflip with corks in her ears too, but this is irrelevant. |
Everyone’s being a little hard on OP. I can imagine scenarios where it would be clearly clique-y - what if half of that group is at the OPs bus stop or some other type of group, where they all planned something together & saw OP that morning but did not extend the invite? We don’t know the details, if OP feels there was an awkwardness about it, I believe her.
No, you don’t have to invite everyone to everything. But there are people who can be clique-ish, & this may be one of those situations. It can be tricky navigating adult friendship groups. |
DP. It very much sounds like something similar. |
I’ve gotten to the point in my life and self acceptance that I honestly don’t care if my kids’ friends’ moms are hanging out without me. I’d rather not anyway. As long as my kid is included. That’s the part that sucks |
+1 Except that she has people on her side too. |
+1 OP, you need to arrange you own group, and stop worrying so much about who is doing what without you, OP. Chances are, you are not missing anything at all. If you think you are, arrange your own group for coffee, tea, drinks, dinner, whatever. Why is that so difficult? You are an adult - time to adult! As long as your intent is good and not devious, sneaky, underhanded, manipulative, etc. Some moms are just social, and accustomed to being around big groups of low-drama people. OTOH, some (other) moms want to be included to align their kids up with certain other kids, or maybe slide their kid in where someone else's kid might be (to the other kid's detriment). Or sometimes they let someone else be invited/slide in that would not get along with an original invitee, and cause unnecessary drama, because they like drama, whether or not they admit it. I have seen both, and the moms that do (the latter) inevitably feign oblivious, but tend to fault others for imaginary slights or grievances. THAT would be really low, OP. As long as that is not your intention, as long as your intentions are good (and not looking for drama), go ahead and socialize to your heart's desire! You have to control your own life, no one else is going to arrange your social calendar for you. |