Mom Cliques. I had no idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh yes, very much so. The deal is that some women never move out of the clique mentality of needing to have a group of women they are a part of that other women are excluded from. To them, this is just how life is and it does not occur to them that there is another way to do it.

The key is to not buy into it, OP. If those women want to go hang out together without you, who cares? You give them power by buying into the idea that they have something valuable that you are excluded from. They don't. Do you really think "Moms wine night" is super fun? It's not. That's too many people, most are probably boring. I'd way rather grab a drink with one of my longtime friends, or even one newish friend, than go spend an evening with 10+ moms from my kids school who I kind of know making small talk.

Adjust your attitude. Think "wow, thank goodness I don't have to come up with a lame excuse not to attend crap like this" and move on. You make it into more than it is by allowing yourself to feel left out. Embrace JOMO (the joy of missing out).

This is a nice response. While I also was put off by OP's attitude a bit, I could certainly empathize. And obviously, the vicious cliquey girls jumped all over it.

This. Some of the responses to this thread have been rational, even while telling OP that sending that text was probably not a good idea. But it should be obvious that many of these responses are actually emblematic of clique, "mean girl" behavior that SOME women love to engage in. People ripping OP apart, saying she was excluded because she's horrible (there is absolutely not enough info in this thread to conclude that, it's just a typical mean girl response "we don't like you because you suck"), refusing to empathize with the totally relatable feeling of wondering if everyone is hanging out without you, etc.

The obvious solution here is to recognize that women who act like this are not worth spending time on. They are playing a game that is rigged for them to win, even if you successfully get them to "like" you, it will always be conditional on them coming out on top and you making them look good. People like this are exhausting.

Being left out of a clique is always, always a blessing in disguise. Because cliques suck! They encourage group think and limit your social horizons, and they are the natural habitat of dull people who are incapable of independent thought and lack the maturity and character to just do their own thing without worrying what other people think of it. Cliques are dull and I don't know why anyone would want to be a part of one, especially after the age of about 25.

Women who act like what? It is not possible to invite every friend and acquaintance to everything- actually to anything if we are being real. There always has to be people that aren’t invited. It doesn’t make it clique behavior. If OP was there, then it wouldn’t be a clique? It wouldn’t be mean? That makes zero sense

I think OP's issue is specifically with the women she knew well enough in the group that it seemed odd they had not invited her. Like she is probably most hurt by the one woman she texted afterwards. Whether that woman was excluding her or not is impossible for us to know. But I do get why someone would feel hurt if a very large group of people they know and thought they were friends with all got together without inviting her. It's normal to feel excluded in that situation. There might be an explanation that makes it not a clique, but there might not. It does sound like OP knew at least some of the women in the group well enough for it to be strange they didn't extend the invite to her.

She needs to make up her mind. Her OP is all smily green emoji and "LMAO" but now you're saying she is really hurt. Which is it? Doesn't seem like she likes these women at all why would she expect to be included?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you made unnecessarily awkward. People are allowed to meet up without you. If you had just been friendly and not made an issue of it, you might have been invited to the next one.

+1

+1

[Anonymous]

Lol at all the people scolding the meanies on this thread. This is dcum, the 4chan of upper class urbanites.

Put away your phone and go outside, it's a beautiful day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lol at all the people scolding the meanies on this thread. This is dcum, the 4chan of upper class urbanites.

Put away your phone and go outside, it's a beautiful day.

You first, scold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol at all the people scolding the meanies on this thread. This is dcum, the 4chan of upper class urbanites.

Put away your phone and go outside, it's a beautiful day.

You first, scold.

I'm addicted to my phone and inexplicably drawn to this forum like a mosquito to zapper light, just like you. We are one.

I am, however, a bit more self aware

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just hang out with different moms. The clique stuff abates later on.

No, it does not. These groups actually expand and solidify. The DC will join the same travel teams with dad coaches. Carpools form. Then exclusive sport specific summer training camps. Girls Weekends. Multi-Family Vacations. Social engineering: the DC will take each other to Homecoming, Prom. Parents will join same church. Parents will host huge parties for each other (40th/50th). Kids will serve as bartenders.

DCs will be the Mean Girls/Guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol at all the people scolding the meanies on this thread. This is dcum, the 4chan of upper class urbanites.

Put away your phone and go outside, it's a beautiful day.

You first, scold.

I'm addicted to my phone and inexplicably drawn to this forum like a mosquito to zapper light, just like you. We are one.

I am, however, a bit more self aware

That's what you think, but obviously not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just hang out with different moms. The clique stuff abates later on.

No, it does not. These groups actually expand and solidify. The DC will join the same travel teams with dad coaches. Carpools form. Then exclusive sport specific summer training camps. Girls Weekends. Multi-Family Vacations. Social engineering: the DC will take each other to Homecoming, Prom. Parents will join same church. Parents will host huge parties for each other (40th/50th). Kids will serve as bartenders.

DCs will be the Mean Girls/Guys.

It only bothers you if you let it. Find your own friends and group and then you won't notice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you made unnecessarily awkward. People are allowed to meet up without you. If you had just been friendly and not made an issue of it, you might have been invited to the next one.

See I’m not hearing that at all. sounds like the knew they were being exclusionary and it was obvious. If anything cracking a joke about it diffuses the awareness.

[Anonymous]

OP, if I had any connection to these women, I would have been a little upset, too. These cliques, groups, friendships, what have you, are largely of convenience because the only thing you have in common is your kids. My real friends are those I’ve had for years and through work and other interests. I can’t tell you how many “mom friends” can’t muster up a simple hello once the kids have grown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just hang out with different moms. The clique stuff abates later on.

No, it does not. These groups actually expand and solidify. The DC will join the same travel teams with dad coaches. Carpools form. Then exclusive sport specific summer training camps. Girls Weekends. Multi-Family Vacations. Social engineering: the DC will take each other to Homecoming, Prom. Parents will join same church. Parents will host huge parties for each other (40th/50th). Kids will serve as bartenders.

DCs will be the Mean Girls/Guys.

I am so glad that this is not actually true where I live. This is a small town or very insular suburb thing. My kids are not going to go to high school with the exact same group of kids they rode the bus with in early elementary, and everyone in my community has broader horizons than what you describe here.

[Anonymous]

I’ll never understand people who think any group of friends is a clique, and that everybody has to be invited to everything. If you have a dinner party with 3 other couples, are you a clique because you didn’t invite every couple you know? If you have a sleepover and only invite 2 kids, are they a clique? No. Get a grip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you made unnecessarily awkward. People are allowed to meet up without you. If you had just been friendly and not made an issue of it, you might have been invited to the next one.

See I’m not hearing that at all. sounds like the knew they were being exclusionary and it was obvious. If anything cracking a joke about it diffuses the awareness.

How many people have to be invited to not be exclusionary? The whole class? Entire grade? All school? What is the rule here you seem to be applying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if I had any connection to these women, I would have been a little upset, too. These cliques, groups, friendships, what have you, are largely of convenience because the only thing you have in common is your kids. My real friends are those I’ve had for years and through work and other interests. I can’t tell you how many “mom friends” can’t muster up a simple hello once the kids have grown.

Very much agree with this. I have mom friends, but those friendships are more fragile because they were formed based on having kids the same age or in the same grade/class. That by itself can be tricky to navigate because it means your kids are going through stuff at the same time and you have to be careful with comparison/competition (which even non-competitive people can fall into with kids). But even if you get through that no problem, if the kids grow apart, do you actually stay friends? Usually not really, you just fade to acquaintance because the underlying connection was purely based on the kids and without that, you might not have enough to sustain a friendship. It's normal.

But my friends from before I had kids are still my friends and will be whether are kids are friends are not (our kids are all slightly different ages and all go to different schools, so we encourage them to be friendly enough to play if the families get together, but we don't force close friendships -- they are like cousins in this way).

This is why it's good not to make your social life revolve around your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here—I didn’t ask for your kind opinions on my mom clique story. Believe the post asks to share your favorite mom clique story.

The only problem is that yours is not a mom clique story. It’s a you being weird story.