If you were from a family with a golden child and scapegoat, how did they turn out as adults?

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to say I’m sorry for everyone who had this tough family dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Sort of random, but one of the best fictional explorations on dysfunctional families and complex PTSD is the show "Flight Attendant" on HBO Max. The first season was incredible, second was less so. I'm sure it's not for everyone but I've watched it several times all the way through and I think they nail the family dynamics so well. I see something different each time I watch. (I was the scapegoat in my family of origin.)

[Anonymous]

I was the golden child my sister was the scapegoat. Both parents abused her. She's on 4th marriage, never went to college, is a SAH wife now. I have a graduate degree, one spouse, decent marriage but super high anxiety and depression. I have no relationship with anyone in my family including sister as seeing any of them is too painful.

[Anonymous]

Scapegoat (that's me) moved far away to avoid getting drawn into that dynamic, living my best life. Have a somewhat distant but otherwise positive relationship with parents.

Golden child stayed golden until around age 40, when she suddenly realized that she was totally enmeshed with our parents and that the flip side of getting all their love and attention is that she also got all their expectations, meddling, neediness, etc. She basically does not speak to our parents anymore except to demand money (and I mean demand, she feels owed). My parents give it to her because it's the only way they ever see her or her kids. It's messed up.

Sister and I have no relationship at all, I only hear about this second hand from my mom, and when I do I say "I'm sorry to hear that, it sounds hard" but otherwise do not involve myself.

[Anonymous]

I'm the scapegoat and my next younger brother is probably the golden child, although not entirely clear now whether it was really my older brother to begin with. Five kids total. My older brother is a sad case. He was closet gay, and my parents rejected him. He is brilliant, but you wouldn't know it now. Was a national merit scholar semifinalist and graduated from Haverford. He lives with my parents and works as a caregiver. My younger brother is now the clear golden child. He is mostly doing fine, married with one kid and happy but with limited career success: self-employed in an artistic field and they struggle at times to make ends meet. He rarely attends family events, and has a testy relationship with most of the siblings. My younger two siblings are not married: one has substance abuse problems and is usually only semi-employed; the other got pregnant when she was 15 and has mostly gotten it together since then but has never maintained a serious relationship, and left raising her daughter mostly to my parents. I'm married with three kids, and have been quite successful in my career. Still the scapegoat.

[Anonymous]

The dynamic when we were growing up with a personality-disordered parent was my older sister was the scapegoat and brother was the golden child. I, the middle child, probably had the easiest time in avoiding her attention and venom. My sister and I always distracted our mother when she was losing it with the other child. So, the roles varied sometimes. My sister carries a lot of baggage, and is the only one still in contact with our mother. My brother loves with me, and still hasn’t launched, even as he pushes 40.

I did learn that being either scapegoat or golden child are their own kinds of abuse and hell. We are all damaged, but not all in the same way. We are all close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does it mean to be the scapegoat?

The scapegoat is blamed for everything that goes wrong.

[Anonymous]

I was my mother’s scapegoat and my father’s golden child. It was the reverse for one of my brothers. I’m fine today. My brother is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does it mean to be the scapegoat?

The scapegoat is blamed for everything that goes wrong.

I think in some cases it can be renamed “punching bag”..the one who receives all the hatred.

[Anonymous]

I think my Golden Child brother is the one most likely to reproduce similar dynamics in his own family due to never having examined his own psychological issues. He clearly has assigned roles to his own children with a clear golden child and scapegoat. scapegoats are sometimes labeled “escape-goats” because we know enough to get away from the dysfunction as adults and we are the most likely to get therapy and not pass on dysfunctional patterns to the next generation. Yay us!

[Anonymous]

Is having the good one and the screwup the same dynamic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am realizing I have always been my mother and brother’s scapegoat. I didn't recognize this dynamic as a child and told myself they had much more in common. As an adult, it's heightened as my brother who was groomed to be highly successful hasn't lived up to my family’s expectations and has ramped up his cruelty, and a lot of times, it feels like my mom goes along with it to make him feel better. Ironically, I ended up doing better academically and financially as an adult and have some nice kids but it still feels like no matter what I'm still the difficult or crazy one.

I completely relate. Brilliant GC is now unemployed due to difficult behavior in workplace. Relationships go up in flames. Still the favorite and very enmeshed with Mommy. I can do no right, but am happily married, enjoying motherhood and love my job.

This is more common than I thought. I’m also the scapegoat. My Golden child brother is violent, mentally ill and has chronic health issues due to obesity and general neglect of his health. At 40 he still lives with my parents and can’t hold a job long. Dropped out of college. I’m not super successful, but I make 6 figures, have a nice family, own a home and have some good friendships despite having a lot of emotional issues due to my upbringing.

[Anonymous]

My nephew was the golden child, mÿ son the scapegoat.

My nephew is a snob. At family gatherings he and his wife will sit off by themselves quietly talking. He said that's the only way they can have intelligent conversations.

My son struggles. Depression, anxiety, lack of meaningful relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does it mean to be the scapegoat?

The scapegoat is blamed for everything that goes wrong.

I think in some cases it can be renamed “punching bag”..the one who receives all the hatred.

00:11 here. That certainly describes my son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother, 2 years older than me, was the namesake of my grandfather and of the infant child who died earlier. Golden Boy suffered from mental illness, as did my father. Golden Boy sodomized me when I was 11, both parents knew, did not care. Haven’t spoke with Golden Boy since 1989, Father died in 1995, spoke to my mother briefly twice between 1989 and her death in 2020. I did not attend her services. P

Wow I am so sorry