Do I just let my kid quit and fail?
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Anonymous
OP, you're not really responding to things people are saying to you, which I find kind of odd. Your kid is hurting and you don't seem terribly interested in figuring out what's going on. You just want to make him stop. Yelling at him and seeing how far he pushes your boundaries and waiting to see what happens next is probably not going to give you the results you're hoping for. |
Anonymous
You're not listening to him. He told you exactly what he wants to do this summer: bum around and chill with friends. Which, at 13/14 is perfectly normal, acceptable and healthy |
Anonymous
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As previously suggested, chat with the counselor to get their perspective. A good counselor obtains feedback on the dynamics among the students and the teachers often have a sense of how things are going for students. After that, chat with the pediatrician.
Limit the screentime if you see this as a contributor, listen without judgment (hard to do, I know) ie write down what he says and don't respond in the moment but come back to it when you and he are both calm, and ask what he has enjoyed about this year. The latter may help you get to what he might want to explore on his own. The social dynamics of middle school are a landmine. Being and maintaining popularity becomes prevalent in middle school, and kids are cruel to one another. When I stopped judging and listened as well as simply acknowledged when things sucked, seemed unfair, and/or likely hurt, I got a lot farther with my tween. Most important, I have seen my tween be able to deal more effectively with toxic personalities at school. Retreating may make some sense but being part of your family comes with expectations and responsibilities. Vacation, chores, and showing up for one another's big events are non-negotiable though. Reinforce that you expect your child to go to school, put forth effort, and learn. If they need help, you are there. As for vacations, involve him in the planning. Getting some buy-in on the front end sounds like it could be helpful. When middle school life starts spiraling for them, tweens and teens seek ways to exert control over parts of their lives and defiance also comes into play. I hope that getting more information from professionals, trying to hear his perspective a bit more, laying out the non-negotiables and having him outline what he does care about helps. |
Anonymous
Screams depression. |
Anonymous
| I would talk to the guidance counselor to see if your son’s teachers have seen a big change in him. Do you also look at his phone—this is mainly to set your mind at ease over the drug stuff. Do you have discussions about upcoming vacations? Maybe you should all stay home this summer and have a big yard project. Maybe your son needs a job this summer. |
Anonymous
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You are responding to the threats your mind has created such as:
If he quits sports he'll become a couch potato/not have good activities for college/lose friends. If he is late to school he'll never be responsible. If he skips the recital he won't have a good relationship with his sister or we won't be a close family, etc. You need to rewrite those stories into something less threatening to you. Like if he skips school today, he can catch up on his project, period. That's it. It's not determining his whole future. That's just an example; you can make school mandatory but I might not have in that situation. In a similar situation, I let my child go late to school, which is not something I ever could have pictured doing a few years ago, but what it did was make them feel heard when they were struggling and they've gone to school on time since. Nothing catastrophic happened. I think we tend to go to the worst case scenario. It can be very helpful to tell yourself the neutral scenario (this is simply one missed day). |
Anonymous
I don't think it's that normal. He sounds depressed. I'd absolutely make the beach house with friends happen, but I'd also tell him to pick a sleep away camp and to go unplug for a few weeks. Something about his current situation isn't feeling good and it's stressing you both out. Suggest going to a camp and see what he says. (It could be a sports camp or a nature camp or whatever topic he wants to try.) |
Anonymous
I disagree. We've learned: - he's behind on schoolwork - forced to play sports he doesn't like - dad yelled at him after a tennis match Sounds like "I want to spend the summer chilling with my friends" is a pretty reasonable response to the stressors in his life. Obviously he'll need to complete his school work. But I think its ok for him to have a "de-stress/unplug" type of summer. As a kid, I used to hate summer camp. I much prefered my lazy days walking around the neighborhood, exploring the woods, builting stuff out of crap you find in basements & garages. It sounds like this kid just needs downtime. Away from sports. Away from school. And at home with no pressure |
Anonymous
I'm not sure his home with ever be no pressure given his parents. The suggestion of going away is to separate from the unhealthy pressure he faces at home. |
Anonymous
I agree with downtime especially at this age. I remember tween summers as being just empty and peaceful and perfect. I did a couple of hours of sport a week and spent the rest of my time reading and talking with friends. Literally nothing productive got done and it was great! If you can’t promise to leave him alone at home offer him a very chill sleep away camp (if you can find one). |
Anonymous
Things are different now with screens and most kids are busy. My summers were also like this but there were a ton of neighborhood kids around and we had nothing else to do but hang out with each other. If you let a 13/14 year old with a phone sit around all summer with no parameters, it won't be this idyllic. |
Anonymous
| Hi OP - you honestly sound pretty pushy and that you have put a lot pressure on this child. I don't blame him for pushing back. This does sound unpleasant, especially given all that you have provided. However, it is not fair that you have put the burden of being the popular, smart, athletic golden child on him. Let him stop the sports. He will likely pick up one or two again. |
Anonymous
You are way too invested in his sports. It comes oozing out of your posts. When he was little it was okay for you to push him into certain sports but now you have to let him drive the bus. If he doesn’t want to go that’s his choice. If he wants to quit let him. Maybe he will find another sport. It literally does not matter if he is great at tennis; that’s not a real life skill. I think you need to give him more autonomy on activities, so long as he’s not doing drugs or shoplifting he can choose how to spend his time. |
Anonymous
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Could be
Depression Trauma Drugs Porn addiction Gaming addiction In the process of getting catfished online Bullying Phone addiction, especially if it cuts into his sleep. Some people just cannot function normally without sleep So many possibilities. Sounds like the pediatrician is a first step while you get on a wait list for a psychiatrist and psychologist. Or could just be normal teenage identity finding and separation |
Anonymous
| If your child was flagged as gifted think of that more like a diagnosis rather than a statement on him being smart. If he is truly clinically gifted that usually comes along with struggles. Among other issues, gifted kids can struggle socially as they age, can suffer anxiety and depression and can feel crushing boredom leading to lack of engagement at school and even failing classes. Since this is a radical change in his behavior, I would start with the pediatrician but also reach out to a therapist. It may be your child is simply wanting to try new things after years of the same activities — normal teen behavior— or your child could be slipping into a major depression with lack of interest in previously enjoyed activists as a sign. |