Do I just let my kid quit and fail?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course not, but you need to figure out what is going on. Do you think he's using drugs .Being bullied? Molested?

I really don’t think he is being molested and I highly doubt anything bad happened on spring break. Minus the complaining, we had a good time. He also complained during our winter break but the complaining was just significantly worse during spring break. He seemed mad at me for always planning these extravagant trips and declared he only wants to do domestic and short trips. I heard him and noted that not everyone enjoys travel. I have friends and friends whose husbands don’t enjoy traveling, especially to far places.

I do think something may be going on at school and socially. It may be normal middle school drama or something more serious. He briefly mentioned he wasn’t popular a week or two ago. I reminded him that he has gone to more parties than our entire family combined. He recently went to a bar mitzvah and had a great time. I also told him that the cool popular middle school kids aren’t necessarily the popular kids in high school. He went on a field trip last week and a friend sent me a picture of him and he looked like he was having a great time. He was invited to another birthday party yesterday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

He doesn’t want to go or do any of the sports he played his entire life. This boy has played soccer since preschool and claims he hates it. He has played golf and tennis since kindergarten and is so talented and it is like pulling teeth trying to get him to go to his expensive lessons. I have to force him to go to tennis matches and tournaments. He constantly says he is tired.[/b]

We went on a few big trips in the past year and during spring break, he complained the entire time and declared he will not be going on any large international trips. He does not want to go on our three week summer vacation.

He probably is tired -- he's playing soccer, golf, and tennis? That's a lot. And I saw this as a parent who had a son crazy about sports and tried everything. But not all at the same time.

And for the trips, that also seems like a lot too. Three week summer vacation? He probably doesn't want to be away from friends, or his home for that long. If it was just once a year, but it sounds like your family is ripping and running constantly. How old are your other kids?

He is not playing soccer. He refused to play. After all those years of travel, he does not want to play.

He hasn’t said he wanted to quit tennis yet. He just finds every excuse not to go to clinic and lessons. DS has been having fits and tantrums not going to matches because he will say he didn’t have advance notice. WTF. He had been going to these matches for his entire life. We have friends whose kids work so hard at tennis and just aren’t that good. This is kid is talented and so lazy.

You sound very angry at your son. I get being frustrated with an adolescent who can be a pain, but it seems there really is more to this than he's just being lazy.

I am very angry at him! It was the worst morning we have had maybe ever. This includes younger days when kids throw up or having toddler tantrums. He refused to go to school and almost made both his siblings late for school. I basically had to force him to go to school.

I remember I used to think having 2-3 young kids was hard. That was a cake walk compared to now. I remember hearing older parents say that the teen years were the most difficult. They weren’t kidding!

My DS was acting like this when he was being bullied. Maybe you should ask the guidance counselor to talk to your DS, and they can find out if anything is going on.

[Anonymous]

It’s hard to know what’s going on here. You are low on details and you seem very reactive, like everything the kid does is a personal insult to you.

It could just be puberty and being over scheduled (you mention 3 sports, 20 birthday parties, etc). Or there could be something actually wrong, but you need to step back and be objective and figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

He doesn’t want to go or do any of the sports he played his entire life. This boy has played soccer since preschool and claims he hates it. He has played golf and tennis since kindergarten and is so talented and it is like pulling teeth trying to get him to go to his expensive lessons. I have to force him to go to tennis matches and tournaments. He constantly says he is tired.[/b]

We went on a few big trips in the past year and during spring break, he complained the entire time and declared he will not be going on any large international trips. He does not want to go on our three week summer vacation.

He probably is tired -- he's playing soccer, golf, and tennis? That's a lot. And I saw this as a parent who had a son crazy about sports and tried everything. But not all at the same time.

And for the trips, that also seems like a lot too. Three week summer vacation? He probably doesn't want to be away from friends, or his home for that long. If it was just once a year, but it sounds like your family is ripping and running constantly. How old are your other kids?

He is not playing soccer. He refused to play. After all those years of travel, he does not want to play.

He hasn’t said he wanted to quit tennis yet. He just finds every excuse not to go to clinic and lessons. DS has been having fits and tantrums not going to matches because he will say he didn’t have advance notice. WTF. He had been going to these matches for his entire life. We have friends whose kids work so hard at tennis and just aren’t that good. This is kid is talented and so lazy.

You sound very angry at your son. I get being frustrated with an adolescent who can be a pain, but it seems there really is more to this than he's just being lazy.

I am very angry at him! It was the worst morning we have had maybe ever. This includes younger days when kids throw up or having toddler tantrums. He refused to go to school and almost made both his siblings late for school. I basically had to force him to go to school.

I remember I used to think having 2-3 young kids was hard. That was a cake walk compared to now. I remember hearing older parents say that the teen years were the most difficult. They weren’t kidding!

My DS was acting like this when he was being bullied. Maybe you should ask the guidance counselor to talk to your DS, and they can find out if anything is going on.

I believe he has some final projects that he is behind on. He wanted to stay home to work on them. He said they weren’t doing anything in school. I told him missing school was non negotiable and that he could work on his assignments after school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

He doesn’t want to go or do any of the sports he played his entire life. This boy has played soccer since preschool and claims he hates it. He has played golf and tennis since kindergarten and is so talented and it is like pulling teeth trying to get him to go to his expensive lessons. I have to force him to go to tennis matches and tournaments. He constantly says he is tired.[/b]

We went on a few big trips in the past year and during spring break, he complained the entire time and declared he will not be going on any large international trips. He does not want to go on our three week summer vacation.

He probably is tired -- he's playing soccer, golf, and tennis? That's a lot. And I saw this as a parent who had a son crazy about sports and tried everything. But not all at the same time.

And for the trips, that also seems like a lot too. Three week summer vacation? He probably doesn't want to be away from friends, or his home for that long. If it was just once a year, but it sounds like your family is ripping and running constantly. How old are your other kids?

He is not playing soccer. He refused to play. After all those years of travel, he does not want to play.

He hasn’t said he wanted to quit tennis yet. He just finds every excuse not to go to clinic and lessons. DS has been having fits and tantrums not going to matches because he will say he didn’t have advance notice. WTF. He had been going to these matches for his entire life. We have friends whose kids work so hard at tennis and just aren’t that good. This is kid is talented and so lazy.

You sound very angry at your son. I get being frustrated with an adolescent who can be a pain, but it seems there really is more to this than he's just being lazy.

I am very angry at him! It was the worst morning we have had maybe ever. This includes younger days when kids throw up or having toddler tantrums. He refused to go to school and almost made both his siblings late for school. I basically had to force him to go to school.

I remember I used to think having 2-3 young kids was hard. That was a cake walk compared to now. I remember hearing older parents say that the teen years were the most difficult. They weren’t kidding!

My DS was acting like this when he was being bullied. Maybe you should ask the guidance counselor to talk to your DS, and they can find out if anything is going on.

+1 Some withdrawl and grumpiness is totally normal in middle school but school refusal suggests something more serious is going on so I'd ask the school for insight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to know what’s going on here. You are low on details and you seem very reactive, like everything the kid does is a personal insult to you.

It could just be puberty and being over scheduled (you mention 3 sports, 20 birthday parties, etc). Or there could be something actually wrong, but you need to step back and be objective and figure it out.

This is a kid who used to be a go go go kid. On any given weekend, he could have a sports game and birthday party and beg to have friends over. Or he would come home after sports, jump on fort nite and a group of friends would plan to go to Johnny’s house. This was the norm in our house ever since age 8. We were often the hang out house. In upper elementary, it would not be uncommon for this kid to have friends over 3-4x per week. We often would carpool to sports and other activities and kids would come to our house before or after.

[Anonymous]

When my 14yo DS gets like this, it's usually bc we haven't spent enough time together as a family.

Between his sports, and DD's sports and music, and two jobs, sometimes the days fly by and it feels like we haven't seen each other.

So we usually schedule some 'family-time.' That sometimes means letting the kids stay up later than normal on a school night to binge a show as a family, or a surprise ice cream sundae bar on a Wednesday, or a Sat night watching a movie that we would have never picked on our own, but a little togetherness sometimes shakes them out of their funk.

This is, of course, assuming that there's not a more serious underlying mental health issues. But kids get burnt out and into routines just like adults. And sometimes at this age (tbh, especially at this age) time spent with mom under a blanket watching a movie is the more important that an early bedtime or extra music practice or whatever

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to know what’s going on here. You are low on details and you seem very reactive, like everything the kid does is a personal insult to you.

It could just be puberty and being over scheduled (you mention 3 sports, 20 birthday parties, etc). Or there could be something actually wrong, but you need to step back and be objective and figure it out.

I don't normally join these threads to accuse the parents of something, but yes if I had a parent like this, I would push back hard, though I would have been classified as a "good kid."

[Anonymous]

I would have him checked for Lyme and pandas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course not, but you need to figure out what is going on. Do you think he's using drugs .Being bullied? Molested?

I really don’t think he is being molested and I highly doubt anything bad happened on spring break. Minus the complaining, we had a good time. He also complained during our winter break but the complaining was just significantly worse during spring break. He seemed mad at me for always planning these extravagant trips and declared he only wants to do domestic and short trips. I heard him and noted that not everyone enjoys travel. I have friends and friends whose husbands don’t enjoy traveling, especially to far places.

I do think something may be going on at school and socially. It may be normal middle school drama or something more serious. He briefly mentioned he wasn’t popular a week or two ago. I reminded him that he has gone to more parties than our entire family combined. He recently went to a bar mitzvah and had a great time. I also told him that the cool popular middle school kids aren’t necessarily the popular kids in high school. He went on a field trip last week and a friend sent me a picture of him and he looked like he was having a great time. He was invited to another birthday party yesterday.

OP, it seems like you're negating his feelings. He says he's not popular? You disagree with him and tell him he's wrong to feel that way. Then you tell him he's wrong to feel un popular and it will change in high school. I know you're trying to help but this will shut him down and keep him from telling you things. He legitimately feels unpopular for some reason. Listen and be curious and try to understand why, rather than disagreeing with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to know what’s going on here. You are low on details and you seem very reactive, like everything the kid does is a personal insult to you.

It could just be puberty and being over scheduled (you mention 3 sports, 20 birthday parties, etc). Or there could be something actually wrong, but you need to step back and be objective and figure it out.

This is a kid who used to be a go go go kid. On any given weekend, he could have a sports game and birthday party and beg to have friends over. Or he would come home after sports, jump on fort nite and a group of friends would plan to go to Johnny’s house. This was the norm in our house ever since age 8. We were often the hang out house. In upper elementary, it would not be uncommon for this kid to have friends over 3-4x per week. We often would carpool to sports and other activities and kids would come to our house before or after.

He isn’t 8 any more, he doesn’t want to be on the go all the time. You are overscheduling him. Back off the sports and stuff. Non-negotiable is going to school and on the family vacation (but don’t over schedule vacation.)

[Anonymous]

Hormones change people. Please try putting him on adderall and see if it helps. I discovered much later in my life that I have ADD and adderall not only motivates me, but also helps with depression. I have slight hypothyroidism, but thyroid medication never helped with my symptoms; however, adderall does help alleviate my hypo symptoms. I would love to not have to take ADHD meds, but it is the only thing that get me through the day.

[Anonymous]

What's your plan for him for the summer? If he's looking for independence I'd have him spend a few weeks at a quality sleep away camp. It could be good for him to get away from you, his school friends and his phone. He can pick the camp--whatever interests him--but a bit of space for you both could help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 13yo 7th grade DS who started middle school this year. This is a boy who was good at everything during preschool and elementary. He has always been Mr. Social making friends everywhere. He learned to read on his own at a young age, was a puzzle whiz and got flagged gifted in kindergarten. He loved chess and science. He has always gotten perfect grades and test scores with no effort. Whenever he does anything, it always comes easy for him and he immediately became one of the best.

In the past six months, his behavior has gone from a friendly happy boy to irritable and completely defiant. It has become increasingly more difficult to get him to do anything whether it is basic chores, chores he has done his whole life to doing anything with the family. He does not want to eat with us to a restaurant, even at his favorite places. He refused to go to his sister’s recital or brother’s tournament.

He doesn’t want to go or do any of the sports he played his entire life. This boy has played soccer since preschool and claims he hates it. He has played golf and tennis since kindergarten and is so talented and it is like pulling teeth trying to get him to go to his expensive lessons. I have to force him to go to tennis matches and tournaments. He constantly says he is tired.

We went on a few big trips in the past year and during spring break, he complained the entire time and declared he will not be going on any large international trips. He does not want to go on our three week summer vacation.

His grades are good, not perfect. He has As and Bs. I don’t think he has any disciplinary problems at school as the school has never contacted us. Friendships seem to be shifting but when I see him with others, he is smiling and looks ok. He has gone to around 20 birthday parties this past year and his recent birthday party was well attended.

School recently had a drug prevention parent meeting and DS shows signs for every red flag. I have not seen anything that looks suspicious yet.

Would you just let DS quit everything he did his whole life?

Would you let him skip the summer vacation?

I am so tired of fighting with him. Any advice would be appreciated.

I could have written this post about my son when he was in middle school. It was so frustrating at the time, what a battle. And of course, DH and I would fight about the best way to manage. We feel like we were "losing him." We did let DS drop his sport and replace it with a musical instrument (his request) and he did end up pursuing that pretty deeply. In retrospect, I think middle school is where kids start to think more about their identity, who they are etc. Their interests may shift, friends may shift, their clothing/hair may change, and it could all just be "trying out" new things, or it could be a permanent change. Our approach was to support the new interests, and give him more space to explore (and just space in general).

The good news is, after a horrible middle school experience, our DS

. did reengage with us and became a happy communicative kid again in HS.
. did become involved with his sport again on his own in HS and now loves it (after hating it in MS)
. kept up the musical instrument too

He was diagnosed with ADHD (inattentive) which may or may not be related to the above. Regarding ADHD, I would encourage you to get the testing done in MS because HS requires a higher level of executive function and ADHD kids can sometimes keep it all together until 9th grade. That was our experience. We got a diagnosis at the end of 9th grade, after a very bumpy academic year (very bright kid, kept missing deadlines, losing homework). Now that he is on meds, his ability to focus is off the charts, he is hitting his full potential academically but he still needed to overcome the poor GPA from freshman year, so best if you can avoid that scenario. You can get a diagnosis from ADHDonline, and they will refer you to a psychiatrist (you don't have to spend thousands of dollars).

Good luck and hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hormones change people. Please try putting him on adderall and see if it helps. I discovered much later in my life that I have ADD and adderall not only motivates me, but also helps with depression. I have slight hypothyroidism, but thyroid medication never helped with my symptoms; however, adderall does help alleviate my hypo symptoms. I would love to not have to take ADHD meds, but it is the only thing that get me through the day.

If he's having mental health issues Adderall could cause a psychotic break. Don't do this casually based on Internet advice.