New AP never leaves the house...

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately you are in this situation because presently you don’t “need” your AP because your nanny is still doing everything. DH can put his head in the sand and make ridiculous rationalizations that waiting to see if she gets her NY license will somehow mean she is is a competent driver. You can be annoyed and make this about AP not leaving the house.

You and DH didn’t do the heavy lifting in January that it takes to get an AP (even the best ones) up and running. You didn’t have to because your wonderful nanny was there. For most of us, there is no AP/nanny/sitter overlap so when AP arrives we have to dig into the training fast and hard in order to get back to work. You should not be two months in with a non-driving clueless AP and without having reached out to your LCC. Even if you talk to LCC today, you will have to schedule a time to meet, go through mediation, House AP for 2 weeks while she looks for new family.

Comparing an AP to an American summer babysitter makes no sense. Apples and oranges.

You HAVE to do the tiring and challenging training up front and/or outsource the driving lessons. You have to train and then rip off any bandaid (nanny). AP arriving in Jan and nanny leaving in June was a bad call. Nobody had to change. And here you are.

[Anonymous]

And enough with the snow excuse. Your AP needs to learn to drive your car in your weather.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aside from the meetings, is she going to cluster events? I am outside of NJ, and our cluster goes to shows, sporting event, volunteer activities. I think these are more important than the meetings.

Yes, talk to LCC. She can get an experienced and outgoing AP to come pick her up.

If you are in a suburb, the inability to drive a is big issue! So, she doesn't need to drive your kids? That really needs to get figured out ASAP. How is she supposed to leave the house if she can't drive and you live in a suburb?

Thank you, we also live in a suburb and no she doesn't go to any events. She gets invited, and about twice a month she's had a friend pick her up to go to dinner, but that's it.
I think she might be trying to save money, I offered to pay for some of these things but she declined.
She only works about 30 hours a week, and the rest of the time she's in her room or hanging around the house.

She's our first AP and we hired her early to be ready for summer when our long term nanny is leaving, in June.
So right now our nanny is doing more than she's supposed to be doing, as we haven't been able to transition any of the responsibilities.

BTDT. These kind of personalities usually don‘t just change. I*ve also found that they lack good judgment, aren‘t proactive with the kids and generally don‘t take good care of their own mental and physical needs.
Now I‘m reading you still have your nanny for transition and thus for backup. I would call rematch with the LCC for personality reasons. Shouldn‘t you be entitled to rematch upon failure to present a valid drivers licence?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aside from the meetings, is she going to cluster events? I am outside of NJ, and our cluster goes to shows, sporting event, volunteer activities. I think these are more important than the meetings.

Yes, talk to LCC. She can get an experienced and outgoing AP to come pick her up.

If you are in a suburb, the inability to drive a is big issue! So, she doesn't need to drive your kids? That really needs to get figured out ASAP. How is she supposed to leave the house if she can't drive and you live in a suburb?

Thank you, we also live in a suburb and no she doesn't go to any events. She gets invited, and about twice a month she's had a friend pick her up to go to dinner, but that's it.
I think she might be trying to save money, I offered to pay for some of these things but she declined.
She only works about 30 hours a week, and the rest of the time she's in her room or hanging around the house.

She's our first AP and we hired her early to be ready for summer when our long term nanny is leaving, in June.
So right now our nanny is doing more than she's supposed to be doing, as we haven't been able to transition any of the responsibilities.

BTDT. These kind of personalities usually don‘t just change. I*ve also found that they lack good judgment, aren‘t proactive with the kids and generally don‘t take good care of their own mental and physical needs.
Now I‘m reading you still have your nanny for transition and thus for backup. I would call rematch with the LCC for personality reasons. Shouldn‘t you be entitled to rematch upon failure to present a valid drivers licence?

You can absolutely rematch for lack of driving ability. In addition you have a personality conflict. People rematch over far less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the current arrangement, your AP has zero reason to pull it together. You work from home, your nanny is still working, it sounds like your 2 year old goes to daycare or nanny is in charge (you wrote AP is only working early morning and a few mornings, so where is 2 year old the rest of the day?). The nanny or you drive AP around when she needs/wants to leave the house. What a pain for your nanny who probably feels like she is now responsible for a 4th child.

Anyway, until you turn this over to your AP, I imagine she will remain stuck. Most of us wouldn’t be able to even be at this point 2 months into a 12 month program. Most of us need AP up and running full swing within a few days of her arrival.

In my opinion, until you insist that she drives and let go of your nanny and perhaps even “go to the office” (even if that means a coffee shop), your AP will confine in this 4th child role. Unfortunately it sounds like your current set up has enabled an already immature AP.

I do go to an office, in my home, shut the door and work for up to ten hours a day.
I interact with clients and produce a lot of materials that require concentration.
I’m not sitting on the couch eating bonbons or available to watch or pick up my kids.
My nanny is a professional and has been a great asset for years, even for the last two months as she’s taken on a new charge

The nanny is simply doing the usual ‚orientation‘ and getting into the job which is mostly done by the hostmum. I honestly can‘t see anything wrong with that. I would certainly not get rid of the nanny right now. Being an au pair is also about finding your place within a household. The top priority here is that mum is able to fulfill her obviously challenging job. She has chosen to have a soft transition - and that should be fine. The family seems to have gone out of their way in including au pair in out of the house activities, she choose to stay alone and miserable. This is a personality problem. My au pairs work 2/3 of the legal hours plus often 2 extra days off per week. They have never had a problem filling their time. Also they have been working alongside a nanny, a dogsitter and a household help. An adult can fiigure it out when and where an extra pair of hands is needed or whether you‘d rather tend to something else - and whether to give the family some space and privacy! I have never had to shop, cook or clean after my au pairs. Your au pair is not making your life any easier - I‘d say get rid asap.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like the perfect storm of immature AP with little social awareness and a HF with unrealistic expectations. Seriously, I still don’t get the driving situation for 2 months!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the current arrangement, your AP has zero reason to pull it together. You work from home, your nanny is still working, it sounds like your 2 year old goes to daycare or nanny is in charge (you wrote AP is only working early morning and a few mornings, so where is 2 year old the rest of the day?). The nanny or you drive AP around when she needs/wants to leave the house. What a pain for your nanny who probably feels like she is now responsible for a 4th child.

Anyway, until you turn this over to your AP, I imagine she will remain stuck. Most of us wouldn’t be able to even be at this point 2 months into a 12 month program. Most of us need AP up and running full swing within a few days of her arrival.

In my opinion, until you insist that she drives and let go of your nanny and perhaps even “go to the office” (even if that means a coffee shop), your AP will confine in this 4th child role. Unfortunately it sounds like your current set up has enabled an already immature AP.

I do go to an office, in my home, shut the door and work for up to ten hours a day.
I interact with clients and produce a lot of materials that require concentration.
I’m not sitting on the couch eating bonbons or available to watch or pick up my kids.
My nanny is a professional and has been a great asset for years, even for the last two months as she’s taken on a new charge

The nanny is simply doing the usual ‚orientation‘ and getting into the job which is mostly done by the hostmum. I honestly can‘t see anything wrong with that. I would certainly not get rid of the nanny right now. Being an au pair is also about finding your place within a household. The top priority here is that mum is able to fulfill her obviously challenging job. She has chosen to have a soft transition - and that should be fine. The family seems to have gone out of their way in including au pair in out of the house activities, she choose to stay alone and miserable. This is a personality problem. My au pairs work 2/3 of the legal hours plus often 2 extra days off per week. They have never had a problem filling their time. Also they have been working alongside a nanny, a dogsitter and a household help. An adult can fiigure it out when and where an extra pair of hands is needed or whether you‘d rather tend to something else - and whether to give the family some space and privacy! I have never had to shop, cook or clean after my au pairs. Your au pair is not making your life any easier - I‘d say get rid asap.

FWIW, I‘m in Europe and have had outstanding North American au pairs. So to all you American moms, I don‘t second the critisism that American kids are brought up to be not independent enough. I have never had a problem with work ethics and initiative! Also, in my European homecountry we firmly hold the belief that Italians are the one‘s that live at home longest and get pampered the most by their mums. Maybe stereotyping but that‘s what we say here...

[Anonymous]

Also they have been working alongside a nanny, a dogsitter and a household help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This young lady is doing nothing to help herself. I’m not going to change my work environment and my nanny is trying to get the AP to step up.
We’ve had live in summer sitters for the last six years and they all engage, find a role and help out.
This AP seems to want everything handed to her.
She arrived in NY in January with no warm clothes, we got her everything she needed.
She arrived with no computer, we set up a laptop for her.
The equation is unbalanced because she’s contributing so little overall

After we match, we give our AP a list of things to bring, including weather appropriate clothes which they can choose to bring or buy once here. Especially an AP coming from a very different climate, it is important to explain and give examples of what are weather appropriate clothes - they may have no idea what it really means if they come from a tropical country and moves to Boston in the middle of a snow storm. I considers it my responsibility as a HM to at the very least not assume that she will just know what to pack but to guide her so if she still doesn't pay attention, then at least I tried to tell her.

We also ask if our overseas AP will be coming with a laptop. We do not assume anything. What may seem normal or common sense is only common sense to us, not necessarily to the AP, too.

As for having the nanny still there, as other PP mentioned, this AP (not all AP) but this one, seems very lost as to what her place is in the house. The long time nanny has the established relationship with the kids, just like a HM. It is very difficult for a new AP, especially one without natural confidence, to really insert herself. You need to remove the training wheels (the nanny) and have the AP just take care of the kids by herself and see if she sink or swim. Don't drag out the training. Take a couple of days to show how to do the KEY responsibilities and then let go. You may see the situation as the AP not doing much and being very lazy, but it could also be the AP doesn't know when to step in and afraid to, since there are "too many cooks in the kitchen". Tell her for the next 4 hours, she is IT (no nanny, no HM, no other adults). Then, see what she can really do. She will make mistakes and be inefficient in the beginning but that is part of the learning curve. Do not compare her to your nanny. It took your nanny many years to hone her skills and figure out your expectations. Give the AP some time to figure it out but make it clear ... tag "your IT".

Thank you, it never occurred to me to tell what to pack, clothes wise or IT, all of the other APs we see around here seem to be much more on top of stuff like this.

To be clear, our 'nanny' has worked for us for years. Her primary responsibility at this point is managing the household, she does all the errands, grocery shopping and cooking. She picks up the house each day but we have a weekly housekeeping service.
Overall she has very little interaction with our older children as they are not that interested in spending any time with her, they love our young summer sitters and that's one of the reasons we thought an AP would be a good next step.

[Anonymous]

To be clear, our 'nanny' has worked for us for years. Her primary responsibility at this point is managing the household, she does all the errands, grocery shopping and cooking. She picks up the house each day but we have a weekly housekeeping service.

You do know that when your nanny leaves by June, your AP won’t be filling in on these tasks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our AP started two months ago, tough weather wise and she hasn’t figured out her US DL yet, but she virtually never leaves our house.
On her days off she stays in her room all day. She has met several other APs but she told us she’s shy and prefers not to socialize too much.

I work from home so having her here all day every day is making me nuts.
Is there anything we can say to her to encourage her to get out more?
I know a group of APs meets up each day at a local coffee shop or library, I’ve offered to take her but she doesn’t seem to want to go.

She’s always complaining that she’s cold and leaves the heat on in her room 24x7.

Anything we can do, will it get better when the weather is warmer?

No. These are THE WORST kind of APs 4o have. I had one and it was pure misery. I counted down the days until she left. Now I screen for extrovert APs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My nanny is a professional and has been a great asset for years, even for the last two months as she’s taken on a new charge

Exactly. Which is why your AP has little reason to step it up.

Let's get real here people. Going from a nanny to an AP is like going form Flying 1st class to taking greyhound. Compounded with that she has a below average AP and the average to high baseline is still pretty bad as compared to a professional nanny.

[Anonymous]

Let's get real here people. Going from a nanny to an AP is like going form Flying 1st class to taking greyhound. Compounded with that she has a below average AP and the average to high baseline is still pretty bad as compared to a professional nanny.

Exactly. I am always baffled by the people who have the $ for a professional nanny AND dog sitter AND house cleaners/help....and then are shocked when they switch over to the AP program and don't receive the same level of care/attention/maturity/etc. The AP program is A LOT of work for the HF...at least on the front end...even for really good APs. We have had four successful years...in part because I spend so.much.time getting them organized personally and professionally at the beginning. You can't wing it. You can't turf it to the nanny. You can't expect it all to just happen on its own. Stick with a professional nanny if you don't have the time, desire, and energy to put into it. We are done this year. Fabulous AP and I want to end on a good note. I just can't bring myself to put in the work again this summer. I am done going to the bank, DMV, social security office, teaching someone how to drive, register for classes, take our public transportation to the city, host their friends/family, etc, etc, etc. DONE!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

She has an intl. DL but couldn't get a NY one yet because her name isn't the same on the different ID she brought with her, so she has to get a new bank card.

This makes absolutely no sense to me. If you live in the suburbs, your AP needs to drive. She isn't going to leave the house or meet people if she can't drive. She isn't going to learn English if she isn't leaving your house.

How is she getting to class?

Why can't she drive on the international? My APs have done it for years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Let's get real here people. Going from a nanny to an AP is like going form Flying 1st class to taking greyhound. Compounded with that she has a below average AP and the average to high baseline is still pretty bad as compared to a professional nanny.

Exactly. I am always baffled by the people who have the $ for a professional nanny AND dog sitter AND house cleaners/help....and then are shocked when they switch over to the AP program and don't receive the same level of care/attention/maturity/etc. The AP program is A LOT of work for the HF...at least on the front end...even for really good APs. We have had four successful years...in part because I spend so.much.time getting them organized personally and professionally at the beginning. You can't wing it. You can't turf it to the nanny. You can't expect it all to just happen on its own. Stick with a professional nanny if you don't have the time, desire, and energy to put into it. We are done this year. Fabulous AP and I want to end on a good note. I just can't bring myself to put in the work again this summer. I am done going to the bank, DMV, social security office, teaching someone how to drive, register for classes, take our public transportation to the city, host their friends/family, etc, etc, etc. DONE!

And let's face it, you get what you pay for as far as at home childcare, it's the equivalent of furniture from Value City. You get what you pay for. Cheap foreign labor that's looking to hang out in the US for a year. Note even close to what one gets with professional nanny.

By the time we needed an AP it worked for us. We needed someone who could keep the kids alive and a good driver.