New AP never leaves the house...

[Anonymous]

So let me get this straight....you are frustrated because she doesn’t leave the house, but she can’t drive, you live in a suburb, the weather has been awful, and it’s too far to walk anywhere? Where exactly do you want her to go and how do you want her to get there? [/quote

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So let me get this straight....you are frustrated because she doesn’t leave the house, but she can’t drive, you live in a suburb, the weather has been awful, and it’s too far to walk anywhere? Where exactly do you want her to go and how do you want her to get there?

We leave the house several times a day. We offer to include her, drop her off or pick her up, pay for her to go places, take her to dinner or a movie.
She prefers to stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It also sounds like she may be going through culture shock and is retreating to her bedroom so she can talk with her family and friends from home. Def get your LCC involved asap. That's your LCC"s job and she would want to know sooner rather than later

Thanks so much for this advice. Our family is also going through a bit of a shock because it's been such a change to have someone we don't know in our home!
Any idea how long it might take her to improve her English? She's smart, and she's trying, but I think that's a big part of the challenge.

She can't drive, but then she also can't really communicate with my kids who are 8 and 10. My daughter likes to hang with her a bit but then gets frustrated because they don't understand each other.

Culture shock can happen both ways, and if you're feeling uncomfortable having her in your home, she is probably picking up on those feelings. Plus it looks like she has a lot of free time on her hands without many ideas on how to fill up those hours. She needs to practice English in order to improve it, so she should be talking to your kids, making friends with other au pairs who don't speak her language, going to her ESL class, signing up for free ESL conversation groups at the library, watching American shows on Netflix/Amazon (Glee, The Royals, Younger, The Arrangement, anything the WB produces) etc. If she's staying in her room talking with her family and friends in her native language then she isn't giving herself a chance to truly switch to English. Once she is saturated with the language, she will start thinking in English, dreaming in English etc. I'm a LCC in another state and I can't overemphasize the importance of getting your LCC involved. This is her job and you are not the first host family who has reached out to her about this issue. As an LCC, I can tell you I prefer to know about these issues ASAP when there is still time to fix them.

Thank you, I will call our LCC tomorrow

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

she's also kind of lazy and entitled

what is she doing that is entitled? Entitled to what?

You don't sound happy with her all around...not just because she isn't leaving the house. I do not understand why she isn't driving on her IL? That really needs to get sorted out. But really, sounds like she is not a good personality fit for your family.

Also, do you really want/need an AP if you are working from home and clearly don't need an AP who drives if she has been with you for a couple of months and isn't driving. Most APs are going to spend time in your house in the middle of the day. Yes, they may go to the gym or for coffee, but they are going to be in the house.

How is she getting to class in the morning?

I've invited her to join me to go grocery shopping, not that exciting but nice to get out of the house. We've invited her to cook with us, again not exciting but she could join in.
She says no thanks to everything.
She doesn't clean up after herself, or cook for herself. She waits for us to do everything.
I know if it's because she's shy or because she doesn't want to engage.

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t sound like you really need an AP right now (you are around to drive her to class, nanny is still involved, etc) so maybe she is dragging her feet.
Stop enabling her and make her get it together. Bring in your LCC. There is no way I would be carting my AP back and forth to school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are you doing about the driving situation?!

Waiting for her bank card, then going back to the DMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t sound like you really need an AP right now (you are around to drive her to class, nanny is still involved, etc) so maybe she is dragging her feet.
Stop enabling her and make her get it together. Bring in your LCC. There is no way I would be carting my AP back and forth to school.

It was supposed to be temporary, last month..

[Anonymous]

OP, this isn’t how this is supposed to work. Call your LCC. Make a plan. Set a date and if expectations aren’t met, rematch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t sound like you really need an AP right now (you are around to drive her to class, nanny is still involved, etc) so maybe she is dragging her feet.
Stop enabling her and make her get it together. Bring in your LCC. There is no way I would be carting my AP back and forth to school.

As soon as she's driving our nanny will be cutting back and then eventually leaving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It also sounds like she may be going through culture shock and is retreating to her bedroom so she can talk with her family and friends from home. Def get your LCC involved asap. That's your LCC"s job and she would want to know sooner rather than later

Thanks so much for this advice. Our family is also going through a bit of a shock because it's been such a change to have someone we don't know in our home!
Any idea how long it might take her to improve her English? She's smart, and she's trying, but I think that's a big part of the challenge.

She can't drive, but then she also can't really communicate with my kids who are 8 and 10. My daughter likes to hang with her a bit but then gets frustrated because they don't understand each other.

This sounds miserable for everyone involved. Doesn’t she ever leave the house with the kids? Speaking as someone who has had a non-driving au pair for the last two years (but we live inside DC proper), you’ve go to come up with a plan for her to easily go places, and in the suburbs that means driving or maybe you could give her credits for an Uber. Also, all our European au pairs have been good drivers, and drove when they just had the IL. Our South America au pairs, not so much (but as I said not relevant in our case).

Yes she leaves the house with the kids and our nanny. Or with me on the wekends.
We have bikes and there have been some warm days when she could have taken a bike ride but she chose not to.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she's also unhappy to work with the nanny.
I would have hated that situation.

You need to talk to her, ask her if she's happy.
Sometimes just asking that simple question can make people open up. Ask her what you can do to help her be happy.

From what I've seen for myself, families in Italy are very close knit, her mom has probably done everything for her since she was born and that's why she doesn't clean up after herself.
You need to ask her to do so.
Maybe make her a weekly schedule and remind the basic tasks on it like cleaning up after oneself.

She's also not used to the snow ...

[Anonymous]

In the current arrangement, your AP has zero reason to pull it together. You work from home, your nanny is still working, it sounds like your 2 year old goes to daycare or nanny is in charge (you wrote AP is only working early morning and a few mornings, so where is 2 year old the rest of the day?). The nanny or you drive AP around when she needs/wants to leave the house. What a pain for your nanny who probably feels like she is now responsible for a 4th child.

Anyway, until you turn this over to your AP, I imagine she will remain stuck. Most of us wouldn’t be able to even be at this point 2 months into a 12 month program. Most of us need AP up and running full swing within a few days of her arrival.

In my opinion, until you insist that she drives and let go of your nanny and perhaps even “go to the office” (even if that means a coffee shop), your AP will confine in this 4th child role. Unfortunately it sounds like your current set up has enabled an already immature AP.

[Anonymous]

Set a date (end of March?) that would allow you to get another out of country AP before the nanny leaves. She is probably homesick, bored, culture shocked. There is only a small chance that this will work out, given the situation and the time that has passed. Are there other Italian APs in your area (won't help with her English but will help with the other problems which are the biggies, in my opinion)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she's also unhappy to work with the nanny.
I would have hated that situation.

You need to talk to her, ask her if she's happy.
Sometimes just asking that simple question can make people open up. Ask her what you can do to help her be happy.

From what I've seen for myself, families in Italy are very close knit, her mom has probably done everything for her since she was born and that's why she doesn't clean up after herself.
You need to ask her to do so.
Maybe make her a weekly schedule and remind the basic tasks on it like cleaning up after oneself.

She's also not used to the snow ...

Too bad. This is our arrangement and our nanny has been going out of her way to be accommodating.
She won’t be working at all if she doesn’t step it up.

[Anonymous]

Why would she change? It sounds like she has little to no responsibilities. You and the nanny are treating her like a child.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.