Walking on egg shells around AP

[Anonymous]

One resource that we have used is to note for APs that graduate psychology programs of which there are many in DC/Maryland run clinics with sliding scales for patients, as a training resource for their doctoral students and a service to the community. Homesickness and winter blues are normal human emotions, especially for teenagers and folks in their 20s. Take the stigma out of it, and encourage them to try it, if you think they could benefit from this type of support. One suspects many HFs could themselves benefit from clinical support. Having someone live in your house is hard....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell the au pair that if she wants tranquil dinners like she had back home, she is free to go back home. I would be that blunt and that direct.
I assume that you and your husband argue appropriately, we had a live-in nanny when I was growing up, and my dad hated it because as he told me “You live like the President, someone outside the family knows everything about you, how you and your spouse are getting along, (both good and bad), what you discuss with your children, what your children discuss with you, what makes you happy, what doesn’t, and that these nannies/au pairs are too young to keep their opinions to themselves. They are teenagers in terms of outlook and just know they have all the answers.
You shouldn’t have to feel this way in your own home. You literally live there.
I’d also like to know what’s lovely about this au pair. She is stressed by life with children and can’t seem to deal with routine parental discussions. I’m not a fan of low-level moodiness, and that alone would cause me to send her packing. My rationale is that I’ve never met anybody who is moody who is healthy, either physically or mentally. They may become healthy in time, but right now they are not. I wouldn’t want someone around my children who is moody. By moody, I assume you don’t mean appropriate emotions of sadness, anger or frustration, I am thinking the low-level, how dare you tell me a joke, or tell me anything you saw that made you happy, I’m pissed at the world and don’t have the desire to even try to be nice.

In all seriousness, mention to the au pair program that you suspect mental health issues. They need to care about that, and a lot of people go into the au pair program with undisclosed or undiagnosed mental health problems. Legitimate cultural difference make it very difficult to know what is normal v. what isn’t.

One of the best tips I ever got when I had kids was to find childcare providers who’s culture was one I was familiar with. It doesn’t have to be my own culture, but it does need to be one where I can spot red flags should that be necessary. Your first job as a mother is to protect your children both physically and emotionally, your second is to protect your husband physically and emotionally, the au pair’s comfort is way down on the list especially when she chose to work as an au pair and has the choice to leave. No way would I accommodate this au pair based on what you’ve written.

Once I mentioned that to CCAP, and their "psychologist" spoke with the AP and said she's fine. She was not.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We've given her more time to adjust and I think we've turned a corner. Having a license and car was a big booster, so was gaining some perspective. She was comparing her gig with her AP friends at the begining and thinking they have it easier. But they're all dealing with some issue or other by now due to changing circumstances in the host families. I think she's appreciating the fact that our family life is, after all, quite normal.

Overall we're happy with her currently. Occasionally there will be incidents that remind us that she still needs a lot of emotional handholding. But I think we've arrived at a good place finally.

[Anonymous]

Glad to hear it’s getting better!