Am I bad for eeking out every hour from my au pair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I am an MB w/ a long-term nanny so I may not understand the whole au pair world, but it seems rather silly and petty to me that a parent would begrudge someone extra time off if they were around to stay w/ their children. I actually like being able to send my nanny home early b/c it means I can spend more time w/ my children. With two working parents any time we can spend with our children we do. I wouldn't spend any energy sending passive aggressive messages to my au pair and just do what works/is right for my family.

Maybe you didn't mean it like I took it but your post kind of illustrates why I feel guilty for using 45 hours and resent that. Of note, I have 3 kids under 6 (6, 4 and 3 to be exact). I work fulltime, so does my husband and we have no free help in the area (grandparents etc.).
When I have a federal holiday, I have our AP work because it is finally a day where I can relax, take care of somethings etc. Otherwise, it is ALWAYS me (and husband) taking care of the kids: mornings, evenings, weekends. I am not a machine and would soo much like a break sometimes. But you make me feel guilty because I sound like I don't want to spend extra time with my kids when I spent all of my none-working hours with them (excluding sleep).

Generally, when you have children, this is how life is. You don't get a special prize for taking care of your children when you are not at work.

Why so nasty? This poster wasn't asking for a "special prize" or even any sympathy. She was simply saying that one of the reasons she has an au pair is not only for childcare during work purposes, but also so she can get some me time. You have no idea how much of a break her au pair gets or how her au pair feels about the situation based on her tiny paragraph.

Did you even read her post? From it we can gather that 1) she feels guilty and resents being made to feel that way by posters who disagreed with her actions, 2) she feels that the expectation that she care for the children she chose to have mornings evenings and weekends is some Herculean task that only machines can do, and 3) that her AP does not get a break on holidays because HM needs the break, not her, from all the not child-caring she already does. You're right though, you cannot gather how the AP feels about situation, though I'm sure she is thrilled about it. Everyone loves working, while watching their boss kick back eating bon bons lamenting about how hard they work. Just thrilled.

PP, there's obviously a balance. And your approach of being nasty and sarcastic and basically purporting that if you want to be away from your kids for even a minute, then you shouldn't have been a mom is just unrealistic and unhelpful. I can appreciate some of what you're saying, but man, if you'd say it in a voice that was even a little kind, you'd get your point across much more successfully. I don't think the posters are reacting with defensiveness to your points, they're reacting with defensiveness to your sarcasm and meanness.

Why do you continue to insist that you are responding to one poster? I'm not the poster of the "nasty" prize post, I simply tried to further illustrate her point, and to point out the fallacies in your own post. The poster in question was looking for sympathy and does seem to have an attitude that caring for her own children is some kind of unrealistic expectation. She's really not helping the image of this program, and its attitudes like hers that disgust people in regard to the whole AP program. She sounds like a spoiled princess regarding her AP as little more than a workhorse. That's where the nastiness comes from. Its frustrating and angering to see these women exploited this way.

You got that her au pair is being "exploited" because she asked her au pair to work on a holiday when she would have otherwise been scheduled anyway?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I am an MB w/ a long-term nanny so I may not understand the whole au pair world, but it seems rather silly and petty to me that a parent would begrudge someone extra time off if they were around to stay w/ their children. I actually like being able to send my nanny home early b/c it means I can spend more time w/ my children. With two working parents any time we can spend with our children we do. I wouldn't spend any energy sending passive aggressive messages to my au pair and just do what works/is right for my family.

Maybe you didn't mean it like I took it but your post kind of illustrates why I feel guilty for using 45 hours and resent that. Of note, I have 3 kids under 6 (6, 4 and 3 to be exact). I work fulltime, so does my husband and we have no free help in the area (grandparents etc.).
When I have a federal holiday, I have our AP work because it is finally a day where I can relax, take care of somethings etc. Otherwise, it is ALWAYS me (and husband) taking care of the kids: mornings, evenings, weekends. I am not a machine and would soo much like a break sometimes. But you make me feel guilty because I sound like I don't want to spend extra time with my kids when I spent all of my none-working hours with them (excluding sleep).

Generally, when you have children, this is how life is. You don't get a special prize for taking care of your children when you are not at work.

Why so nasty? This poster wasn't asking for a "special prize" or even any sympathy. She was simply saying that one of the reasons she has an au pair is not only for childcare during work purposes, but also so she can get some me time. You have no idea how much of a break her au pair gets or how her au pair feels about the situation based on her tiny paragraph.

Did you even read her post? From it we can gather that 1) she feels guilty and resents being made to feel that way by posters who disagreed with her actions, 2) she feels that the expectation that she care for the children she chose to have mornings evenings and weekends is some Herculean task that only machines can do, and 3) that her AP does not get a break on holidays because HM needs the break, not her, from all the not child-caring she already does. You're right though, you cannot gather how the AP feels about situation, though I'm sure she is thrilled about it. Everyone loves working, while watching their boss kick back eating bon bons lamenting about how hard they work. Just thrilled.

PP, there's obviously a balance. And your approach of being nasty and sarcastic and basically purporting that if you want to be away from your kids for even a minute, then you shouldn't have been a mom is just unrealistic and unhelpful. I can appreciate some of what you're saying, but man, if you'd say it in a voice that was even a little kind, you'd get your point across much more successfully. I don't think the posters are reacting with defensiveness to your points, they're reacting with defensiveness to your sarcasm and meanness.

Why do you continue to insist that you are responding to one poster? I'm not the poster of the "nasty" prize post, I simply tried to further illustrate her point, and to point out the fallacies in your own post. The poster in question was looking for sympathy and does seem to have an attitude that caring for her own children is some kind of unrealistic expectation. She's really not helping the image of this program, and its attitudes like hers that disgust people in regard to the whole AP program. She sounds like a spoiled princess regarding her AP as little more than a workhorse. That's where the nastiness comes from. Its frustrating and angering to see these women exploited this way.

You got that her au pair is being "exploited" because she asked her au pair to work on a holiday when she would have otherwise been scheduled anyway?

Not "a" holiday. All holidays. She said whenever I have a holiday, AP works. And its not just the holidays, its the squeezing every hour possible out of her, without any real need. Its a crappy way to treat someone.

[Anonymous]

Ok, I apologize - when I read it, I was assuming she meant like Columbus Day and Veteran's Day since she was saying she used it as a time to relax and take care of things. I was assuming she didn't mean Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Year's Day, Memorial Day, 4th of July - the big ones where the PP wouldn't be relaxing anyway and probably has family plans. Yes, I agree with you that if you are literally having your au pair work her regular 9-hour schedule every single holiday, then that's too much given the spirit of the program.

And I did post earlier that I don't think the OP should be "squeezing every hour possible" out of her au pair either (which was an entirely different post).

But I wholeheartedly disagree that you can't use your au pair so you can have your me time or that you should give her off at the expense of your own mental sanity. Being a martyr about spending every minute with your kids is not pretty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I am an MB w/ a long-term nanny so I may not understand the whole au pair world, but it seems rather silly and petty to me that a parent would begrudge someone extra time off if they were around to stay w/ their children. I actually like being able to send my nanny home early b/c it means I can spend more time w/ my children. With two working parents any time we can spend with our children we do. I wouldn't spend any energy sending passive aggressive messages to my au pair and just do what works/is right for my family.

Maybe you didn't mean it like I took it but your post kind of illustrates why I feel guilty for using 45 hours and resent that. Of note, I have 3 kids under 6 (6, 4 and 3 to be exact). I work fulltime, so does my husband and we have no free help in the area (grandparents etc.).
When I have a federal holiday, I have our AP work because it is finally a day where I can relax, take care of somethings etc. Otherwise, it is ALWAYS me (and husband) taking care of the kids: mornings, evenings, weekends. I am not a machine and would soo much like a break sometimes. But you make me feel guilty because I sound like I don't want to spend extra time with my kids when I spent all of my none-working hours with them (excluding sleep).

Generally, when you have children, this is how life is. You don't get a special prize for taking care of your children when you are not at work.

Why so nasty? This poster wasn't asking for a "special prize" or even any sympathy. She was simply saying that one of the reasons she has an au pair is not only for childcare during work purposes, but also so she can get some me time. You have no idea how much of a break her au pair gets or how her au pair feels about the situation based on her tiny paragraph.

Did you even read her post? From it we can gather that 1) she feels guilty and resents being made to feel that way by posters who disagreed with her actions, 2) she feels that the expectation that she care for the children she chose to have mornings evenings and weekends is some Herculean task that only machines can do, and 3) that her AP does not get a break on holidays because HM needs the break, not her, from all the not child-caring she already does. You're right though, you cannot gather how the AP feels about situation, though I'm sure she is thrilled about it. Everyone loves working, while watching their boss kick back eating bon bons lamenting about how hard they work. Just thrilled.

PP, there's obviously a balance. And your approach of being nasty and sarcastic and basically purporting that if you want to be away from your kids for even a minute, then you shouldn't have been a mom is just unrealistic and unhelpful. I can appreciate some of what you're saying, but man, if you'd say it in a voice that was even a little kind, you'd get your point across much more successfully. I don't think the posters are reacting with defensiveness to your points, they're reacting with defensiveness to your sarcasm and meanness.

Why do you continue to insist that you are responding to one poster? I'm not the poster of the "nasty" prize post, I simply tried to further illustrate her point, and to point out the fallacies in your own post. The poster in question was looking for sympathy and does seem to have an attitude that caring for her own children is some kind of unrealistic expectation. She's really not helping the image of this program, and its attitudes like hers that disgust people in regard to the whole AP program. She sounds like a spoiled princess regarding her AP as little more than a workhorse. That's where the nastiness comes from. Its frustrating and angering to see these women exploited this way.

The host parents you and your buddies (so you claim) are disparaging work full time while the AP takes care of the kids, and then they take care of their kids the rest of the time, except for the small "bon bon eating" breaks every month or so, enabled by a few extra AP hours. The AP does NOT, therefore, work more hours and have less "me" time than the host parents. EVER. Whoever you and your buddies are, you are not only pointlessly and unconstructively vindictive; you are also severely, naively, and it seems deliberately misinformed about the lives of parents who work fulltime, as well as about the lives and needs of young people who work a normal 45-hour workweek.

[Anonymous]

People, if you are paying soooo much more for an AP than she actually receives you should hire a nanny and help someone actually support themselves. Of course APs are barely paid - no one said you don't pay fees and other costs but she as a person receives very little - so stop arguing against the facts.

And yeah, OP, since you asked you do sound like a night are. She's supposed to be a member of the family not an employee you penalize because you're annoyed she didn't want to work some weekend. The trade off for an AP, for working more than FT hours for less than minimum wage, is the chance to meet people, travel, and experience local culture. When you begrudge her that ("the times I've asked she's been busy") you're taking away the ONLY perk of the program. I agree with the PP who said she knows, or will notice soon, and her work will suffer. Your kids will be safe when you get home but she won't have nearly as much fun with them as she would if she knew you respected and appreciated her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course APs are barely paid - no one said you don't pay fees and other costs but she as a person receives very little - so stop arguing against the facts.

But see, I don't agree with this. Here are my facts. Obviously I can only base this on our experience, but I don't think we're atypical based on the host parents in the DC area that I know. Our au pair receives $800 cash a month, all of her food paid for, her cell phone bill paid, a place to live, a car to use (I also paid for her licensing fees and her car insurance for the year), she uses our YMCA membership for a gym. We give her extras here and there (Starbucks cards, etc), and pay for all activities and travel that she does with us. Host parents also hand their au pairs $500 in cash toward their classes for the year.

And I know you keep insisting that the $8,000 doesn't go to her, but it absolutely does. Yes, it's not direct compensation that I am handing to her. But it pays for her flight to and from the US and her transportation from the training school to us, it pays for background checks and LCC checks on us, it pays for her LCC's salary who supports her for the year and sets up social events and helps her if she needs anything, her health insurance for the year, etc.

I feel like our au pair receives a perfect amount of compensation (monetary and nonmonetary) for the work she does. And obviously she does too - she's extending with us another year and had so much fun this year both with us and out and about traveling and partying. And she's from Germany - it's not like she has nothing to go back for and is desperate for any reason to stay in the US.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course APs are barely paid - no one said you don't pay fees and other costs but she as a person receives very little - so stop arguing against the facts.

But see, I don't agree with this. Here are my facts. Obviously I can only base this on our experience, but I don't think we're atypical based on the host parents in the DC area that I know. Our au pair receives $800 cash a month, all of her food paid for, her cell phone bill paid, a place to live, a car to use (I also paid for her licensing fees and her car insurance for the year), she uses our YMCA membership for a gym. We give her extras here and there (Starbucks cards, etc), and pay for all activities and travel that she does with us. Host parents also hand their au pairs $500 in cash toward their classes for the year.

And I know you keep insisting that the $8,000 doesn't go to her, but it absolutely does. Yes, it's not direct compensation that I am handing to her. But it pays for her flight to and from the US and her transportation from the training school to us, it pays for background checks and LCC checks on us, it pays for her LCC's salary who supports her for the year and sets up social events and helps her if she needs anything, her health insurance for the year, etc.

I feel like our au pair receives a perfect amount of compensation (monetary and nonmonetary) for the work she does. And obviously she does too - she's extending with us another year and had so much fun this year both with us and out and about traveling and partying. And she's from Germany - it's not like she has nothing to go back for and is desperate for any reason to stay in the US.

New poster here. I agree with what you said, except one thing. When I was an au pair, I had to pay for my own health insurance. Also, my Australian au pair friends had to pay for their own flight. So it's not like every au pair has flight or health insurance paid for by the family.

[Anonymous]

But see, I don't agree with this. Here are my facts. Obviously I can only base this on our experience, but I don't think we're atypical based on the host parents in the DC area that I know. Our au pair receives $800 cash a month, all of her food paid for, her cell phone bill paid, a place to live, a car to use (I also paid for her licensing fees and her car insurance for the year), she uses our YMCA membership for a gym. We give her extras here and there (Starbucks cards, etc), and pay for all activities and travel that she does with us. Host parents also hand their au pairs $500 in cash toward their classes for the year.

And I know you keep insisting that the $8,000 doesn't go to her, but it absolutely does. Yes, it's not direct compensation that I am handing to her. But it pays for her flight to and from the US and her transportation from the training school to us, it pays for background checks and LCC checks on us, it pays for her LCC's salary who supports her for the year and sets up social events and helps her if she needs anything, her health insurance for the year, etc.

I feel like our au pair receives a perfect amount of compensation (monetary and nonmonetary) for the work she does. And obviously she does too - she's extending with us another year and had so much fun this year both with us and out and about traveling and partying. And she's from Germany - it's not like she has nothing to go back for and is desperate for any reason to stay in the US.

Ditto here. Our German AP is also extending. She'll go back to Germany and start university in the fall.

[Anonymous]

I'm the 21.55 poster w/ a nanny (my only post). Just to clarify, I don't have any issue w/ using an au pair for 45 hours or their pay. Our nanny works for 50 hours a week so I get what it takes to have a career and a family. I also think there is a lot of value for both families and au pairs with the program, and it fills an important child care need. What I was reacting to was the part of your message where you said you were bothered by the four days off for Thanksgiving (I can't remember the exact phrasing). As a working mother you have 1,000 things you need to worry about, and expending energy on whether you should use your AP when you don't really need her because she wasn't flexible in the past is just not something I would trouble myself with. I can get spun up on issues like that so I frequently have to remind myself that if it is not going to impact anything in 5 years to just let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the 21.55 poster w/ a nanny (my only post). Just to clarify, I don't have any issue w/ using an au pair for 45 hours or their pay. Our nanny works for 50 hours a week so I get what it takes to have a career and a family. I also think there is a lot of value for both families and au pairs with the program, and it fills an important child care need. What I was reacting to was the part of your message where you said you were bothered by the four days off for Thanksgiving (I can't remember the exact phrasing). As a working mother you have 1,000 things you need to worry about, and expending energy on whether you should use your AP when you don't really need her because she wasn't flexible in the past is just not something I would trouble myself with. I can get spun up on issues like that so I frequently have to remind myself that if it is not going to impact anything in 5 years to just let it go.

Obviously we got side tracked, but do note that on the OP's issue itself - am I bad for eeking out every hour even when I don't need it as payback for my au pair's inflexibility? - we ALL said a resounding "NO - you should not do that." I think we're all in agreement that doing that will end poorly for all involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course APs are barely paid - no one said you don't pay fees and other costs but she as a person receives very little - so stop arguing against the facts.

But see, I don't agree with this. Here are my facts. Obviously I can only base this on our experience, but I don't think we're atypical based on the host parents in the DC area that I know. Our au pair receives $800 cash a month, all of her food paid for, her cell phone bill paid, a place to live, a car to use (I also paid for her licensing fees and her car insurance for the year), she uses our YMCA membership for a gym. We give her extras here and there (Starbucks cards, etc), and pay for all activities and travel that she does with us. Host parents also hand their au pairs $500 in cash toward their classes for the year.

And I know you keep insisting that the $8,000 doesn't go to her, but it absolutely does. Yes, it's not direct compensation that I am handing to her. But it pays for her flight to and from the US and her transportation from the training school to us, it pays for background checks and LCC checks on us, it pays for her LCC's salary who supports her for the year and sets up social events and helps her if she needs anything, her health insurance for the year, etc.

I feel like our au pair receives a perfect amount of compensation (monetary and nonmonetary) for the work she does. And obviously she does too - she's extending with us another year and had so much fun this year both with us and out and about traveling and partying. And she's from Germany - it's not like she has nothing to go back for and is desperate for any reason to stay in the US.

New poster here. I agree with what you said, except one thing. When I was an au pair, I had to pay for my own health insurance. Also, my Australian au pair friends had to pay for their own flight. So it's not like every au pair has flight or health insurance paid for by the family.

I'm the one that posted what you quoted. We've used both Au Pair in America and Cultural Care. In those agencies, the au pairs get basic health insurance through the agency, although they can pay for more coverage. Additionally, the agency covers the flights for the au pairs to and from their country and the families pays directly for the au pair to get from the training school to wherever their home is. Beyond those two agencies, I don't know how it works, but those are two major agencies in the DC area.

[Anonymous]

Thanks OP. You are proof that the AP Program is indentured servitufe that only benefits lazy, cheap, immoral American women.

[Anonymous]

Oh, shut up, 19:36.

If you don't approve of the program, then don't sign up to be an au pair.

Simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, shut up, 19:36.

If you don't approve of the program, then don't sign up to be an au pair.

Simple.

^^The callous dismissal of their misdeeds and juvenile defensiveness of the guilty. They will never admit how messed up the program is so long as it benefits them. Just like people continue to shop at Walmart, don't recycle, etc. Its much easier to only care about yourself.

[Anonymous]

It should be noted that at least with Au pair in America if a second year Au pair does not like her situation she can leave at any point and the agency will pay her flight back home. Fwiw my Au pair is doing the program because she could not afford to study abroad and this was an opportunity for her to still have the foreign exchange experience. In addition if the Au pairs were so overworked after working 45 hours they would presumably be too tired to party and ALL my Au pair does is party when she is not working.