What are we missing?

[Anonymous]

DS's nanny (Awesome nanny - AN) has been with us for over a year. In the last few months we've started to notice that she seems to struggling and in turn we're struggling trying to figure out how to address the situation. DH & I work from home full-time. DS is 18 months old. Awesome nanny is the mother of two daughters and previously nannied for several girls up to elementary school and one infant boy for a few month stint. DS is a very outgoing boy, but is in that awkward age of wanting to play with everyone but his first instinct is the "zombie baby" walk, which usually results in a forced hug or occasional pinch. We're working on addressing how to appropriately greet other kids at the playground, but AN has taken the unspoken position that there is something wrong with him medically. His pediatrician confirmed he's completely normal and he's just very advanced both physically and verbally. E.g., if you saw him you would assume he's 2+ yo because he's a massive boy.

Since taking the unspoken position that DS is anything other than a boy too big for his own britches, AN is more withdrawn, always asking if DS "is like this with you (meaning DH & I) about everything from wanting to do animal noises constantly to reading/not reading depending on his mood, etc. She also has taken issue with DS's love for my DH. DH & I try to keep to our offices as much as possible, but do come out for food and to say hello a few times a day - we do not step in to assist unless AN asks us to, but the biggest perk of being at home is to get baby kisses in the middle of the day and that will not change. AN has expressed that she no longer feels DS is attached to her and that he's more attached to my DH. I agree that DS loves his father (as he should), but do not understand the negative connotations behind AN's statements to us about the father/son bond. DS still asks for AN by her nickname on the weekends and seems to have tons of fun with her when they are together despite AN seeming more withdrawn as the weeks pass.

Our concern is that AN's relative inexperience with toddler boys may be informing her approach to DS and clouding her judgment of his actions - particularly after confirmation with DS's pediatrician that he's totally normal. I don't know how to help AN get back to her awesomeness. Any insight would be appreciated!

[Anonymous]

Your coming out of your home offices to talk to him "a few times a day" is a huge problem. I eat breakfast with my kids, then we all say goodbye and I go into my office. I come out at lunch and eat lunch with the nanny and the kid who's still at home. Then I read him a book or two while the nanny cleans up from lunch, then the nanny puts him down for a nap and I go back to work. So during the day, I see him at lunch. That's it.

Aside from that, your nanny has run her course. Time for a few one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your coming out of your home offices to talk to him "a few times a day" is a huge problem. I eat breakfast with my kids, then we all say goodbye and I go into my office. I come out at lunch and eat lunch with the nanny and the kid who's still at home. Then I read him a book or two while the nanny cleans up from lunch, then the nanny puts him down for a nap and I go back to work. So during the day, I see him at lunch. That's it.

Aside from that, your nanny has run her course. Time for a few one.

OP here - I should probably clarify the "pop outs." AN & DS are out of the house all morning and only come home mid-day for nap/lunch. We pop out for lunch and one of us will get his lunch together and then we go back to our respective offices. Our "pop outs" are limited to a goodbye kiss as he's out the door in the morning after breakfast, a quick snuggle at our lunchtime if he's awake, and then a brief snuggle and hello during the afternoon handoff. I am concerned that your last point may be correct and that AN may be wanting a change and is putting a voice to that desire through her interactions with DS.

[Anonymous]

You completely lost me with all the rambling. He should be attacked more to his parents than nanny. However, you need to address the bad behavior and do a time out every time.

[Anonymous]

Pinching can be normal but still needs to be corrected. I would try and have a sit down chat with your Nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your coming out of your home offices to talk to him "a few times a day" is a huge problem. I eat breakfast with my kids, then we all say goodbye and I go into my office. I come out at lunch and eat lunch with the nanny and the kid who's still at home. Then I read him a book or two while the nanny cleans up from lunch, then the nanny puts him down for a nap and I go back to work. So during the day, I see him at lunch. That's it.

Aside from that, your nanny has run her course. Time for a few one.

+1.if you insist on continuing to do this, you will not keep a good nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your coming out of your home offices to talk to him "a few times a day" is a huge problem. I eat breakfast with my kids, then we all say goodbye and I go into my office. I come out at lunch and eat lunch with the nanny and the kid who's still at home. Then I read him a book or two while the nanny cleans up from lunch, then the nanny puts him down for a nap and I go back to work. So during the day, I see him at lunch. That's it.

Aside from that, your nanny has run her course. Time for a few one.

+1.if you insist on continuing to do this, you will not keep a good nanny.

NP. This not a concentration camp. Mom and Dad have every right to move around the house. Work from home is not their fault, this is what a lot of families are dealing with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your coming out of your home offices to talk to him "a few times a day" is a huge problem. I eat breakfast with my kids, then we all say goodbye and I go into my office. I come out at lunch and eat lunch with the nanny and the kid who's still at home. Then I read him a book or two while the nanny cleans up from lunch, then the nanny puts him down for a nap and I go back to work. So during the day, I see him at lunch. That's it.

Aside from that, your nanny has run her course. Time for a few one.

+1.if you insist on continuing to do this, you will not keep a good nanny.

NP. This not a concentration camp. Mom and Dad have every right to move around the house. Work from home is not their fault, this is what a lot of families are dealing with.

“Concentration camp?” Oops, Godwin’s Law. You lose.

Of course they “have every right to” come out of the room multiple times a day, upset their kid and undermine the nanny all they want. As I’ve already explained, their nanny will quit, and so will her replacement(s). If that’s their goal, go for it.

[Anonymous]

For whatever reason, your nanny seems uncomfortable with your son & the situation overall now.

The pedi could be right or the nanny could be right about developmental appropriate behavior. The unwanted touching by your son, the pinching especially, needs to stop regardless.

The pandemic dynamic of WFH means your son knows you are there now that he has object permanence. I suspect the baby kisses take place more than you realize & undercuts the nanny.

I can't tell if the nanny is awkwardly saying your sons bond with his dad is getting in the way of her performing her duties (read: dad is a non helpful disruptor) or if the nanny has some odd issue.

Nevertheless, I would end this nanny relationship on a high note before everything sours. Look for another nanny but treat this one well while she is there. You said your son is precocious which means he is learning & observing your behavior at all times.

[Anonymous]

Ridiculous responses here, as always, sorry, OP.

WFH mom and dad here with nanny and toddler boy. We are very deferential to our nanny that when she is working she is in charge and we do not intervene unless she asks for a hand (which she almost never does). We are also not prisoners in our offices who are required to hide and starve. When we come out to get food or run errands we also make eye contact with our son and wave or give him a kiss. JFC - you're his PARENTS in your own home. Of course you want to enjoy his presence. (Also the same people scolding you would also probably throw stones if you WAH and 'abandoned' him to be raised by someone else - it's just misogyny, whatever mom does is wrong.)

ANYWAY, trust your gut. Sounds like your nanny is not comfortable or has run her course. Give her a good honest effort to talk about it - ask her point blank. "We love you and so does DS but we've sensed this, is there something in the job that is making you unhappy?" Maybe she wants a raise depending on how long she's been with you? If it doesn't end in clarity and / or improvement, time to hit those nanny job boards / neighborhood listserves, etc. Not everyone is cut out for everything.

Oh and time outs are not the solution at all ages for all kids, smh...

[Anonymous]

Pinching hurts and really hurts with a 18-month old! Worse than pinching is you coming out several times a day to see him. You have driven her crazy. If you need to see your child all day then you quit your job and take care of your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your coming out of your home offices to talk to him "a few times a day" is a huge problem. I eat breakfast with my kids, then we all say goodbye and I go into my office. I come out at lunch and eat lunch with the nanny and the kid who's still at home. Then I read him a book or two while the nanny cleans up from lunch, then the nanny puts him down for a nap and I go back to work. So during the day, I see him at lunch. That's it.

Aside from that, your nanny has run her course. Time for a few one.

+1.if you insist on continuing to do this, you will not keep a good nanny.

NP. This not a concentration camp. Mom and Dad have every right to move around the house. Work from home is not their fault, this is what a lot of families are dealing with.

When you find a nanny who will work with both parents working from home then you cede authority to nanny during her working hours. If she needs you, she will let you know. Parents can come out when nanny takes child outside. Otherwise, find a job where you work onsite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your coming out of your home offices to talk to him "a few times a day" is a huge problem. I eat breakfast with my kids, then we all say goodbye and I go into my office. I come out at lunch and eat lunch with the nanny and the kid who's still at home. Then I read him a book or two while the nanny cleans up from lunch, then the nanny puts him down for a nap and I go back to work. So during the day, I see him at lunch. That's it.

Aside from that, your nanny has run her course. Time for a few one.

+1.if you insist on continuing to do this, you will not keep a good nanny.

NP. This not a concentration camp. Mom and Dad have every right to move around the house. Work from home is not their fault, this is what a lot of families are dealing with.

When you find a nanny who will work with both parents working from home then you cede authority to nanny during her working hours. If she needs you, she will let you know. Parents can come out when nanny takes child outside. Otherwise, find a job where you work onsite.

LOL

[Anonymous]

Nanny here.

18 months old is too young (IMO) for time out. I watch like a hawk and quickly take (grab, if necessary) my charge's hand and say "gentle." If you focus on negatives "no pinching!" the child focuses on negatives versus focusing on the desired behavior.

18 month old toddlers can vary between just starting to walk up through running and climbing. With a child who is big and active, but not of an age that they understand cause-effect yet, you have to be on your toes and right next to them.

It sounds to me that OP's child is normally developing, though nanny and parents need to be on the same page to stop unwanted behaviors. It's possible that the nanny simply can't handle this child and needs to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ridiculous responses here, as always, sorry, OP.

WFH mom and dad here with nanny and toddler boy. We are very deferential to our nanny that when she is working she is in charge and we do not intervene unless she asks for a hand (which she almost never does). We are also not prisoners in our offices who are required to hide and starve. When we come out to get food or run errands we also make eye contact with our son and wave or give him a kiss. JFC - you're his PARENTS in your own home. Of course you want to enjoy his presence. (Also the same people scolding you would also probably throw stones if you WAH and 'abandoned' him to be raised by someone else - it's just misogyny, whatever mom does is wrong.)

ANYWAY, trust your gut. Sounds like your nanny is not comfortable or has run her course. Give her a good honest effort to talk about it - ask her point blank. "We love you and so does DS but we've sensed this, is there something in the job that is making you unhappy?" Maybe she wants a raise depending on how long she's been with you? If it doesn't end in clarity and / or improvement, time to hit those nanny job boards / neighborhood listserves, etc. Not everyone is cut out for everything.

Oh and time outs are not the solution at all ages for all kids, smh...

You’re ridiculous if you believe what you’re saying! I’ve been a nanny to a family for the past 3 years, the first 2 we spent inside at home
Because of covid, the last year has been very hard! MB works from home every other week a lot, but every other week only a few hours as she works 12h weekend shifts (she’s ER dr). She’s around non stop, dictating what we should do, and she has so much “anxiety” that her kids is full of anxiety , scared of eating bc she taught him he could choke to death, he’s scared of booster seats bc he could die in it, he could die on the stairs and so on. Every 5 min she yells at him and makes him Cry, then when he eats I need to watch him like a hawk and repeat don’t choke every 2 seconds, she hears everything, makes comments sometimes.

Would you like it, if your boss was watching you in your office all day long, or if your boss called you twice or 3 times every hour to check on you????
Let’s see how you would like it!