Expectations with a live in nanny

[Anonymous]

We are considering offering our nanny to live in our in-law suite, primarily because she’s hinted that she’d like to live here to save money. We would also benefit in that we’d feel better asking for early morning or evening help occasionally. If we do this, will she expect to eat with us? Go out if excursions with us? My biggest concern is that she’ll interfere with family time. It’s harder for me to bond with my children if she’s always around…

[Anonymous]

Aren't you already bonded to your kids?

[Anonymous]

I think you are mistaking a live-in nanny for an au pair. Au pairs are part of a live-in cultural exchange program where the expectation is to treat them as an extended family member and provide them with experiences such as outings and meals with the family.

A live in nanny is simply an employee that lives in your home. Outside of working hours, live in nannies will not want to hang out and it's actually better for all parties if they don't because it can be really hard for kids to understand boundaries around a live in nanny and that she isn't always "on" as an adult for them like parents are.

If it's a full in law suite, wouldn't nanny have her own kitchen? Make her space conducive to self contained living. If there's no kitchen get a mini fridge, an instapot, a kitchen cart, etc. Set up a small table and chair she can eat at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are mistaking a live-in nanny for an au pair. Au pairs are part of a live-in cultural exchange program where the expectation is to treat them as an extended family member and provide them with experiences such as outings and meals with the family.

A live in nanny is simply an employee that lives in your home. Outside of working hours, live in nannies will not want to hang out and it's actually better for all parties if they don't because it can be really hard for kids to understand boundaries around a live in nanny and that she isn't always "on" as an adult for them like parents are.

If it's a full in law suite, wouldn't nanny have her own kitchen? Make her space conducive to self contained living. If there's no kitchen get a mini fridge, an instapot, a kitchen cart, etc. Set up a small table and chair she can eat at.

Thanks. We have a mini-kitchen in the suite which includes a minifridge, microwave, sink, cabinets, etc. She would also have a table and there is a second laundry room in the area.

I understand the difference b/w a nanny and au pair. We've never considered an au pair because we didn't want an extended family member. We'd be doing our nanny a favor by letting her move in, but recognize that we'd also benefit in some ways with feeling more comfortable asking for help at odd hours. We pay her enough to live on her own (she makes more than a public school teacher in our district, for example), so that isn't the issue. She wants to save more money and also ditch her commute and she likes our house and kids a lot. Our nanny is also clingier than others we've had, so really just wondering how to set up boundaries in a way that is kind but clear? Like, am I a jerk if I don't invite her up for dinners on Friday through Sunday nights? Do I need to invite her to kid's events on the weekend, or excursions we do that I know she'd enjoy?

[Anonymous]

your nanny being ridiculous, do not do it op.

[Anonymous]

Having been a live-in nanny, I did not want to be “part of the family” after my work was completed. That’s maybe more of a young au pair thing.

If the parents needed extra help, they simply asked if I was interested and available. If not, no big deal. They had sitters they could call.

The arrangement worked well for three years, but you need to communicate.

[Anonymous]

Don’t do it. A lot of live in nannies would complain about being expected to do the extras like early morning or late evening help you are suggesting.

If you don’t want an au pair for the reasons you stated, don’t go for a live in nanny. You never know how they will mesh with your family once they move in.

[Anonymous]

A line in nanny should have set hours and her off time should not be infringed upon by you, your DH, children or anyone else. Also, her quartets are always off limits to all of you. She should be able to have visitors during the day of her off time. Overnight visitor is something you can determine.

You said that you would likely ask for early or late help and this screams "job creep.".

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't let this particular nanny live in. You've raised two red flags already - she's clingy and has hinted at wanting to move in. This sounds like a Lifetime Movie waiting to happen.

[Anonymous]

Are you reducing her rate in exchange for rent? If not, that is a gigantic favor for her, and from what you describe, a huge inconvenience for you as you prefer privacy and family time. It is not at all standard to have live in nanny join you in her off time but from your description it sounds like she would be unhappy and you will be pressured into an uncomfortable situation of having “an extra family member”. And asking her to move out will be more fraught with issues.

[Anonymous]

I would not make her a "live-in nanny". Keep her your nanny and have a separate and different contract for her to rent a room in your home. The two are different. She is a tenant. You would not invite a tenant to family dinner. You might occasionally have them over for a meal or event, but keep that part of the relationship separate. Pay her the normal rate you pay her now and then negotiate what you feel like is fair rent for her in-law area. Is there a way to close it off but have a separate entrance? Like a door that locks between the house and the in-law area and also an actual exterior door? You could lock the door between and then have her enter and leave through the front door of the house as she normally does and walk to her "home" and enter the back door to the inlaw area. That would really help re-enforce boundaries.

I would also then keep strong boundaries about early arrival / late exit / can you watch them for an hour while I run to the store? You need to keep that as clear employer relationship, not a friend or relative visiting and you can use them for a quick second. I can understand that if nanny previously had a long commute, asking her to come earlier or stay later or do weekend sitting may have been less desirable to you all, but if she is your tenant, you should still operate as you used to. Ask if she is willing. Adjust the time or pay overtime. Don't expect / hope / hint that you could use help a little. Be direct and pay for the time worked.

[Anonymous]

You should talk explicitly about expectations. The issue is that if there is a problem, there goes your nanny. If you charge her rent and she didn’t pay, you’ll have to evict, and there goes your nanny. What if she does want to have overnight guests; is that a problem to you? If so, there goes your nanny. I see a lot of risk for you to lose your childcare here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should talk explicitly about expectations. The issue is that if there is a problem, there goes your nanny. If you charge her rent and she didn’t pay, you’ll have to evict, and there goes your nanny. What if she does want to have overnight guests; is that a problem to you? If so, there goes your nanny. I see a lot of risk for you to lose your childcare here.

+1. I know a couple who have basically become their nanny’s b—-h because they don’t want to lose their childcare. Their nanny moved into their basement apartment. Then she got a dog. Then she started dating someone. The girlfriend moved in, with two dogs of her own. So they have this couple now living in their basement with three dogs. Apparently the relationship is rocky with lots of fights and the dogs tear up the backyard and the nanny never cleans up after the dogs and this couple just puts up with it all, because they’ve had the nanny since their oldest was born and they are scared the nanny will leave if they don’t placate her. That’s nuts!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should talk explicitly about expectations. The issue is that if there is a problem, there goes your nanny. If you charge her rent and she didn’t pay, you’ll have to evict, and there goes your nanny. What if she does want to have overnight guests; is that a problem to you? If so, there goes your nanny. I see a lot of risk for you to lose your childcare here.

+1. I know a couple who have basically become their nanny’s b—-h because they don’t want to lose their childcare. Their nanny moved into their basement apartment. Then she got a dog. Then she started dating someone. The girlfriend moved in, with two dogs of her own. So they have this couple now living in their basement with three dogs. Apparently the relationship is rocky with lots of fights and the dogs tear up the backyard and the nanny never cleans up after the dogs and this couple just puts up with it all, because they’ve had the nanny since their oldest was born and they are scared the nanny will leave if they don’t placate her. That’s nuts!!!

Liar. You out did yourself this time.