AP one month in - help me salvage the coming year

[Anonymous]

I'm a long-time host parent, but its been a while since I had one that needed more management.

I treat my au pairs like an adult member of the family (they are adults!) - no curfew, they're not here to clean up after us, they have my full support with regards to handling situations with the kids (I'm not going to contradict the au pair if the kids complain). For reference, I'm talking about a male AP, 22yo, taking care of two boys, 7 and 10 yo, gets the kids to school in the morning and then works 2:45 - 6/6:30, weekend work is very rare.

This one is, uh, lackluster - though we had a great rapport during the interview process. Its clear now that he comes from a family of means in his community and likely hasn't had to handle all the stuff that comes with living on ones own (or with others). So, I guess now its my job to teach him, and I'd rather teach him than rematch, and I don't think we are too far into this to course-correct, but how do I approach this with him in a manner that is not going to be taken critically when I literally have to teach him how to wash dishes?

He's VERY social and goes out nearly every night after dinner and almost the entire weekend (fine with me, as I said, he's an adult and that's his free time), but it also means we haven't gotten to know him as much yet, which maybe is part of my problem and I don't know how to appeal to his sense of humor or whatnot.

How would you handle the situation at this point?

[Anonymous]

Schedule the training time - maybe take a half day off work while the kids are in school and have a "boot camp" where you walk him through the various machines in the house, your expectations etc. Follow up with written instructions. If you do it with a bit of good humored ribbing/teasing, maybe it comes across better than as a big serious "reset" kind of thing...

[Anonymous]

Im the 12:16 poster - maybe tell him you had this boot camp with prior APs so he feels like its a normal thing, not a criticism

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im the 12:16 poster - maybe tell him you had this boot camp with prior APs so he feels like its a normal thing, not a criticism

Agree. It's a white lie that won't hurt anyone. "For our dishwasher, you need to rinse the food off plates/scrape food into the compost bin before putting anything into the dishwasher."

[Anonymous]

I had to do the same with my AP. I tried to balance and let go of a lot - otherwise I would be instructing her all day every day and I knew she’d take it all as criticism. So instead I tried to make a lot of comments as they came up - “we actually have to break down boxes before throwing them away; oh I see you’re doing laundry - you actually don’t fill the washer with clothes past this line, etc etc). I had to let A LOT go because she was pretty fragile.

[Anonymous]

Good for you for addressing this early. Just like with teenagers, you have to pick your battles. I would choose 2-3 things that are important to you and go with them. I like the PP's idea of a boot camp idea (including the white lie). But I would focus on a handful of main points and let the smaller ones go. Good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

if you are treating them as an adult that you say, then accept they don't want to spend time with you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:if you are treating them as an adult that you say, then accept they don't want to spend time with you

You clearly did not read the OP or chose to pick a fight or something.

This is about the young man having no basic home living skills such as how to wash dishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:if you are treating them as an adult that you say, then accept they don't want to spend time with you

Hi Aupair. Your host family probably didn't want to spend any time with you at all ::

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if you are treating them as an adult that you say, then accept they don't want to spend time with you

Hi Aupair. Your host family probably didn't want to spend any time with you at all ::

What a ridiculous response. Sorry you’re so immature. Insert childish emoji here.

-not PP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had to do the same with my AP. I tried to balance and let go of a lot - otherwise I would be instructing her all day every day and I knew she’d take it all as criticism. So instead I tried to make a lot of comments as they came up - “we actually have to break down boxes before throwing them away; oh I see you’re doing laundry - you actually don’t fill the washer with clothes past this line, etc etc). I had to let A LOT go because she was pretty fragile.

I relate to this a lot but I didn't notice how fragile our au pair was until maybe it was too late. I tried to ask about her travel plans to see if I could help to change the schedule so she could get an earlier flight (and not risk the last flight of the night cancelations that seem to happen regularly); her interpretation of this was that I was treating her like a child and trying to control her life. The examples like this go on and on, and she is unwilling to entertain the idea that my comments come from a place of trying to help her save money or be able to do more in her free time...rather than ruin her life.

I think there is always this risk, but if you fluently speak the same language as your au pair, perhaps it is less likely to happen no matter what the subject matter. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

PP, did your AP ask you to help her with her travel arrangements? The way she reacted shows she did not, so why did you step in ? Of course you came out as someone who's trying to control her life.
It was none of your business and her reaction was normal.
Next time, you'll mind your own business.

[Anonymous]

I was an au pair at 18. I came from England. I had never used a dishwasher, washing machine or dryer. Never really cooked dinner either. I like the boot camp idea but write stuff down too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had to do the same with my AP. I tried to balance and let go of a lot - otherwise I would be instructing her all day every day and I knew she’d take it all as criticism. So instead I tried to make a lot of comments as they came up - “we actually have to break down boxes before throwing them away; oh I see you’re doing laundry - you actually don’t fill the washer with clothes past this line, etc etc). I had to let A LOT go because she was pretty fragile.

I relate to this a lot but I didn't notice how fragile our au pair was until maybe it was too late. I tried to ask about her travel plans to see if I could help to change the schedule so she could get an earlier flight (and not risk the last flight of the night cancelations that seem to happen regularly); her interpretation of this was that I was treating her like a child and trying to control her life. The examples like this go on and on, and she is unwilling to entertain the idea that my comments come from a place of trying to help her save money or be able to do more in her free time...rather than ruin her life.

I think there is always this risk, but if you fluently speak the same language as your au pair, perhaps it is less likely to happen no matter what the subject matter. Good luck!

I don’t think yours is a fragile au pair problem. You offered to rebook her flights? She picks her flights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had to do the same with my AP. I tried to balance and let go of a lot - otherwise I would be instructing her all day every day and I knew she’d take it all as criticism. So instead I tried to make a lot of comments as they came up - “we actually have to break down boxes before throwing them away; oh I see you’re doing laundry - you actually don’t fill the washer with clothes past this line, etc etc). I had to let A LOT go because she was pretty fragile.

I relate to this a lot but I didn't notice how fragile our au pair was until maybe it was too late. I tried to ask about her travel plans to see if I could help to change the schedule so she could get an earlier flight (and not risk the last flight of the night cancelations that seem to happen regularly); her interpretation of this was that I was treating her like a child and trying to control her life. The examples like this go on and on, and she is unwilling to entertain the idea that my comments come from a place of trying to help her save money or be able to do more in her free time...rather than ruin her life.

I think there is always this risk, but if you fluently speak the same language as your au pair, perhaps it is less likely to happen no matter what the subject matter. Good luck!

App is talking about skills needed to do what is necessary in her house. You’re talking about taking over something that the AP has already done, and somethings that they should be capable of doing as an adult. Totally different scenarios.