Incident with Au Pair - Help me get through this week!
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Anonymous
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Looking for support / perspective. Our (first and only) au pair is finishing her second year with us. Her last day of work is Friday and she leaves us on Saturday.
Last week we took a ski vacation. We gave her the option of going or staying. We made clear that if she went, she would be working for some of it but we would give her several hours off each day to ski/enjoy herself. She wanted to go. We paid for her ski rentals, lift tickets and of course all food. Wanted her to have a good trip. On Saturday, we all watched Encanto together. She was super moody but that's normal for her. While the credits rolled, my kids (2, 4, 7) danced around. My 4 year old was tossing her teddy bear in the air and catching it. Au pair was sitting on the couch. The 4 year old tossed the teddy bear and it accidentally landed on the au pair. We're talking under arm toss from a four year old, who is singing and dancing and having fun. Au pair grabs the bear and forcefully throws it directly at my 4 year old's face. It hits my child in the face, hard. 4 year old stops dead in her tracks, and you can see the shock and fear pass through her face. Starts crying. Me: "what on earth are you thinking?!" Au pair: "she threw it at me first!" Me: "yeah, but she's a CHILD and she was having fun. You're an adult." (She's 22!) Au pair: "Fine, sorry." She then goes to her room. Husband wasn't there, but I tell him that night. He mentions it in passing to her again, basically asking, what the hell?! She gets upset that we are calling her out. She doesn't speak to us (or the children) the entire way home and when we arrive home, she immediately jumps out of my car and into our third car and takes off. Doesn't tell us where she's going. Doesn't help us unload the car, doesn't thank us for the trip. Is gone for several hours and when she comes back home at 10 PM, she slams her door shut. This is basically the straw the broke the camel's back. I start reflecting on the last two years. Her difficult personality. Her mental instability. Her immaturity. Her application said she loved kids and had lots of experience. In the months after her arrival, I begin to realize those were lies she told to get in the program. But by that time, she'd been with us for months, we were in a pandemic and I didn't want to go through rematch. So I compensated for her shortcomings and lowered my expectations. I didn't ask her to do anything more than watch the children (no laundry, no meal prep, no homework). But watching her throw something at my child, on purpose? It crossed a line. I only have 4 more days of her in my house, but I can't even look at her. We were going to host her au pair friends for a farewell dinner at our house tomorrow night. I was also going to do a cash bonus plus some gifts. Now I don't want to do anything. I just want her gone!!! Help me get through this week... should I cancel the farewell dinner or suck it up and host it? Given her appalling behavior I think the cash bonus and gifts are off the table. BTW according to my husband the reason she was moody was because she had just found out through social media that a guy she previously dated is now dating someone else. This girl has zero coping skills. There's no reason to hit a child with a toy, much less because some guy you casually dated has moved on... |
Anonymous
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wow! im shocked at your patience. i know the agency advocates to making it work during the "transition/final" days and i also understand your emotions regarding everything.
the biggest question i would ask myself if i were in your shoes is 1) are the kids safe in her care if yes, carry on. worth discussing it again with her even thought she doesnt care and just making the final days amicable if you feel like kids are not safe, contact the agency and local coordinator to discuss your options its also worth just talking to your local coordinator about it so that the incident is documenting so that it cannot get used against you in the future. the farewell dinner and/or bonus is your discretion. if you think she's done a good job over the past 2 years i would keep as planned. however i would again discuss the incident with her to ease the tension if possible |
Anonymous
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I've dealt with some difficult personalities, including wide mood swings, in previous aps. But never in my hosting history have I had someone deliberately throwing something at a child. It sounds like she has some mental illness to lash out at a child like that.
In your shoes I'd contact the LCC, document the incident. I'd probably take the week off and watch the kids myself, lest she gets into some mischief. I'm sorry but she seems unstable. |
Anonymous
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Those last few weeks are super difficult for everyone. Some people start lashing out and handling things poorly because you are trying to make yourself hate the family or the family hate you so that leaving isn't so hard.
How have the last two years been? You hosted her for a long time including an extension that you both agreed to. I would host the farewell dinner, lower the cash bonus out of spite and then wash your hands of it all. You will look back on this time differently. I would absolutely make it know that you still do not believe throwing anythign at your child is acceptable. It's not. Lying about cooking, playing iwth kids and doing laundry is so common for nearly every aupair. These are young people who rarely have done anything other than high school and maybe an entry level job somewhere or college. It's almost over. 3 more days? You can do it. Your kids will miss her and they need closure too. |
Anonymous
| Good for your aupair! Hope her next family has less bratty kids |
Anonymous
A 4 year old was dancing and tossing her own stuffed animal in the air. This is bratty? 
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Anonymous
Are you ok? |
Anonymous
| You can/should offer to just let her go immediately to whatever her plans are for the travel month. It is not like she will start caring and want to finish strong, so it just puts your kids in an unsafe position. No point on dragging it out. Cancel the dinner, no bonus, and just pay her the full final week stipend |
Anonymous
Don't host and don't do anything for her. Just be happy she's leaving. |
Anonymous
Oh look! Aupair is here! Go home. |
Anonymous
| Amazing boyfriend didn't drop her sooner. So she took it out on a four year old. What a memory for your kid. |
Anonymous
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I had a similar situation with an au pair and sucked it up for way too long. I am now very angry at myself for not advocating for my children.
There is no reason you need to put up with that behavior or disrespect. I would call the LCC and get her out now. She can go to a hotel for the last few days. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like your au pair has a personality disorder. She is difficult and will not change. You are a good person to have made it work for the past two years and have invested a lot of emotional energy into making someone who cannot and will not appreciate it. At this point she has been a significant part of your children's lives for two years and you should do whatever is the best parental role modeling for them in the situation. They will need an opportunity to say goodbye to her so they are not negatively affected by the sudden loss of one of their "family" members. You do not need to have her keep working or provide additional money or gifts. You could tell her that you appreciate her work over the past two years, are giving her the remainder of the time off, and she no longer has any childcare duties. Good luck this week and you will feel much better when she is gone. Let us know what happens. |
Anonymous
| Please call your LLC so that poor woman can stop feeling harassed! I wouldn’t want to stay with you or your kids either until the end of the week |
Anonymous
| Why doesn’t she just go stay w her boyfriend ? |